The Meaning of Life

Chapter 20:   Josam

      Ph went on to live the rest of his life after the beginning part of his life. While he was in high school, he was a Senior. When he was a Senior, he met a new bunch of friends. His friends weren't the most normal people in the world. Here is a story of their lives:
      Once a while ago, there was a group of people. They were strange people because they went to school every day. This was strange because most kids only go to school on school days. The reason why they went to school every day was because they liked it. All they would do was go to study hall. You may think this would be boring, but what do you know (besides knowing how to read). They were obsessed with going there because they found a special power there (they found it in a crack by the window, just kidding). This power was the power of the vortex. Once they had found this, they discovered a whole new meaning of life. The meaning of life was to never go to school again. Since this group of kids was so rebellious, they did the opposite of what they were supposed to do. One day, one of the group followers said, "Maybe we should never go to school like we were told," but of course nobody heard him so that was that.
      In the beginning, the people knew that there was a vortex some where in the study hall but they didn't know where. They knew there had to be one because of the clues like chairs being stacked in the corner and little notes saying there was a vortex. The reason why they didn't know where it was was because they were always standing on it. Then one day, a little bunny rabbit told them where it was. Unfortunately, the rabbit couldn't finish telling them how the vortex worked because it was so hot that the bunny melted into a chocolate puddle. Then a little boy walked by and slipped on a banana peel. Then the boy stood up and kept on walking like nothing happened. Then he slipped in the chocolate puddle. After this, he decided to become a professional slipper since he was so good at it. Anyway, since the people didn't know how the vortex worked, they had to ask somebody. Then they had to clean up the chocolate puddle because when they went to go ask Mr. Somebody how the vortex worked, they all slipped in it. They were never able to clean it up with paper towels though because every time somebody (no, not Mr. Somebody) tried to get near it to clean it up, they would slip in it so the paper towels would go flying about the room. One time a paper towel went out of control and crashed into a little freshman. It wasn't good because the towel broke the little lad's leg. Luckily the towel was not damaged beyond repair.
      Finally the people made it to Mr. Somebody to ask him about the vortex. It took them a little while to get there because they were slow. Mr. Somebody couldn't help them because he was too busy trying to button up his zipper. A year later, the people went back to him after he had figured out that only buttons can be buttoned up, and that zippers are zipped up. He had to wear the same pair of jeans for two months because he didn't know that zippers could also be zipped down. Well, when they asked him how the vortex worked he said, "Hummm... I know, why don't you just turn it on!" Then the people thanked him and went back to the vortex. They didn't slip in the chocolate puddle on their way back because they took the new ferry across.
      Later they looked at the vortex which was a little round contraption built into the floor tiles. Now there was one problem, they couldn't find the on switch. Then Whacko Willy went over to it and pretended to flip a switch. The vortex was fooled by this and so it turned on. Now that the vortex was turned on, it could be used, but since it couldn't be used for anything that they could tell, they decided not to use it. They told Whako Willy to turn it off but he didn't know how to pretend to turn a switch off because he hadn't read that far into his book of pretending. He would have been able to finish the book, had his teacher not made him read another stupid book about a country eating babies (don't worry, it was supposed to be a funny story, but I guess it only works if you read it backwards or something).
      Since the vortex was always on, the people decided to make a big sandwich. They made a turkey sandwich that was made of cheese, bread, leggos, and chicken. Then one of the people, Gary Soscarie, decided to eat the sandwich, but then he remembered that he didn't like ham so he decided to change his mind. He changed his mind with a new screwdriver that he won at a record store. Ph went to a record store once because he thought he may have held the record for saying the word "then" more than anyone else in the world. To his dismay, he was just beaten out by some old man. It wasn't really fair though, because the old man stuttered a lot.
      One day, one of the people dropped a star fish near the vortex, and when he went to pick it up, he noticed something written on the vortex. Next to the word something, he noticed that there was another word. The word was Josam. He was so excited that he had to wet his pants. His friend got angry because the excited boy used his soda to wet himself. Now that they saw the word Josam, they were dumbfounded. It wasn't very hard for Mr. Dumb to find them because he could hear the 20 gallon barrel of soda that the boy used to wet himself with when the boy who owned it threw it at the wetted boy. Thirty thousand people came to school that day because when the boy threw the soda at the other boy, everyone thought it was a baseball game.
      Later, one of the people came up with an idea. He smelled bad because he had come up with it out of the sewer. The idea was irrelevant to this story so I won't tell you what it was. Then another person came up with an idea. His idea was irrelevant to this story too so I'll tell you what it was. The idea was that he thought people should worship the vortex and that they should call it Josam. It wasn't a very good idea but it was better than making a sandwich, so they decided to do it. So from then on, they went to school every day and worshipped Josam. They thought that if you didn't worship it then you would die and have to live the rest of your life with Gary. The people thought that living with Gary wouldn't be fun because he always pronounced the word Josam as Yosam. Because of this wrongdoing, every time Gary said this, Sam would think that Gary was calling him.
      Finally one day, (actually it was a Friday) when the people were all about 23 years past their birth, they realized that if they died from not worshiping Josam then they wouldn't have to live the rest of their life with Gary because if they died then their life would be over already. Then when Gary heard about this he began to cry like a baby. He cried because little tears started to form on his eyes, but there was a rumor going around saying he was crying because his glasses were made of onions, and that made him sad. He was also sad because he wanted to live with the people who died. Because of this, all the people kept on worshiping the vortex so Gary would stop crying.
      When all the people were about 56 years old, Gary slipped in the crusty chocolate. He started to laugh so hard that he died. Then all the rest of the people could stop worshiping Josam. The only perplexity was that they all wanted to worship Josam still. Then they decided to have a secret meeting of the Josamites. At this meeting, they decided to keep worshiping it until they had to go to the bathroom. About seven minutes later, Josam was finally lost forever, or at least until the next day when Ph and his friends had nothing to do again.

      As you just saw, Ph lived a happy life, spending most of his time living in school worshiping that stupid metal plate in the ground that had the name of some company on it.
      Eventually death overcame Ph by circumstances unknown to man, or at least unknown to me. He died on August 21, 1993, just one day before he was to become 100 years old. His last words were:
"I can't wait to be 100 years old tomorrow! Uh oh! "




Where ever you are

don't forget to write

Go Back to Ph Stories

Last Updated on January 31st, 1999
©1993-1999 B. Wood Bailey, Jr.