Part VI
The Sixth Part

Chapter 16:   Cafeteria Catastrophe

      Now that you've heard a lot about Ph's family, friends, and daily life, it's time to hear about his life at school.
      Since Ph was a kid, he had to go to a place. At this place, there was a school. This was no idiot's school, or driving school for that matter. It had a lot of baseball pitchers, trouble makers, and candle stick makers. One day they were all acting better than usual, and this was very unusual. Only four kids and two teachers had to go to the hospital (they had to go to the hospital because they each hurt someone, and Ph's school requires every student to visit every person they made go to the hospital). Since they were so good, the teachers let them eat their lunches, as long as they promised to close the refrigerator door. Usually the teachers didn't let the kids eat, because they were mean teachers. All the kids were happy because they had forgotten what food tastes like. They all went to the cafeteria and sat down at the tables. They got kicked out because the cafeteria was for employees only. Then they left the paper factory, and went to their school's own cafeteria.
      The cafeteria was very dirty, and all the tables were covered with dust, grime, and spider webs because it had been eight years since anyone had eaten there. Since the teachers never had to bring a lunch before, they didn't bring a lunch that day, hence they didn't have any food to eat. They became very voracious from watching the kids eat, so they tried to steal the kid's lunches. All the teachers had different methods of trying to take students' food. Mrs. Witchly walked behind the kids and when they weren't looking, she grabbed their food. Mr. Badteach tried sitting on the ends of the tables, but for some reason, nothing happened. He was trying to tip the tables a little so all the food would slide down to him. He didn't know that the tables were bolted to the floor to prevent the kids from throwing them at the garbage cans (which we all know is almost a nation wide problem). Mrs. McSnort tried to get food by pretending she was a seal, and hoped some kids would throw some food to her. She only got a few sardines and pencil shavings. Mr. I.C. Nothing tried to grab the kids' food by using one of those sticky stretching hands that you can get out of a gum ball machine. Unfortunately, on his first attempt, he caught nothing but his glasses, and gobbled it up before he realized what it was. Then, having poor vision, all he grabbed were some spiders and peanut shells, but he ate them any way because he needed something to get the glasses taste out of his mouth. Mrs. Smellalot tried to sneak up behind the kids, put them in a head lock, and then grab their food. Her scheme never worked though, because the kids could smell her coming. Mrs. Avery Cheep tried to buy some food, but all she had were thirteen cents and two shiny buttons. The reason why the buttons were shiny was because they reflected a lot of light (their index of refraction was 2.34!). Mr. Ugleephace didn't get any food because he scared everyone away. Mrs. Loleda didn't get any food because she was absent that day. Mr. Notsobrite went to a store and bought a food stealing machine, but by the time he got back to the U.S. and to the school, lunch time was over.
      After a while, the kids became bored and wanted some excitement. Someone pulled out a Slim Jim, but that didn't do anything. Then somebody accidentally hit a spoon with their elbow when they tried to blow their nose. The spoon had some vegetable oil in it. The spoon was halfway off the table, so when the kid hit it, it flung the oil all over some other kids. The other kids got mad and tried to spray some cheese wiz on the kid, but they missed and hit some other kids. Soon all the kids were throwing food. For a while, no one got hit, because they were throwing the food at the ground. That changed when the class nerd came up with the idea to throw the food at each other. Then the class bully said it was a bad idea, and then hit the nerd with a gallon of jello. Then the whole nerd herd started throwing food at the bully. By this time, the baseball pitchers were already throwing 2/3 eaten apples and frozen pizzas across the room at about 98 mph. Then the teacher, Mr. Bigears, got a twinkie stuck in his ear. He got mad and threw a carrot at Mrs. Opinmowth and it got lodged in her mouth. It was so funny that everyone in the room fell to the floor burping. This caused an even greater level of funniness, so everyone fell laughing to the next floor below (they all fell at the exact same time so the floor collapsed, and it sounded really interesting). That made everyone laugh even harder. One by one, all the kids' and teachers' sides started splitting open like a pop coming out of a corn (I mean popcorn popping).
      All the people died except for Mrs. Opinmowth because she couldn't laugh with a carrot crammed in her mouth. Yesterday she still couldn't laugh because she can't get the carrot out.

      Luckily for Ph, he had diarrhea that day, so he was in the bathroom when all this happened, so he didn't die.

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Last Updated on January 31st, 1999
©1993-1999 B. Wood Bailey, Jr.