Part V
Ph Watches TV

Chapter 13:   The Other Kind of Fans

      After that news report, Ph had to watch the next one, because it said stayed tuned for their next report. This is what it was about:

      One day, a baseball player found out that he had a lot of fans. Then he wanted to use them to cool him off. He paid each fan seven dollars to sit down in front of him on a metal chair. The people got mad because they had to sit in front of him, so every time he turned around, they had to move to the other side so that they'd still be in front of him. Then when they were all seated, he had to go to the bathroom, because mother nature paged him, and he thought that's where the nearest phone was. Then all the people had to squeeze into the paper towel dispenser so that they were in front of him. Luckily, the water in the sink was left on, and the calming sound of trickling water made them happy. Soon it started to get crowded because the little bathroom just wasn't designed to hold 73 (thousand) people.
      After the baseball player finished his business, he left the bathroom, and all the fans followed him out. Next, he bought a hot dog, but he couldn't eat it because it was one of those rubber dog toys that sound like a cat having an asthma attack when you squeeze them. Then the player started wondering why there were thousands of people following him, but soon he remembered why, so that was that. Then he made all the fans sit back down in the metal chairs. Then fans were unglad because they didn't like sitting with their backs down. Then the baseball man attached a wire through all the chairs. He was good at this because he attaches wire to various household objects in his spare time. Then he bought one million and two batteries. He paid for them with a personal check, but that's all I'll tell you about that, because it's personal. They were only five volt batteries because the nine volt batteries lost one of their volts during shipping, one volt got sick, and the other was fired for being late. Then he hooked up the batteries to the wire like the girl with the fan did. First he tried to hook them up with fishhooks, but the worms were a tad bit too messy. Then he used a multipurpose chair hook, and that worked just dandy.
      Oh no, all the fans didnŐt work! They just jiggled a little and then started to smoke. Then a police player found out about this and he arrested the baseball ociffer (Humm, I think the news reporter put a little too much grain alcohol in his orange juice that morning). Then the baseball player was fined ten dollars for making the people smoke in a non-smoking area.

      Ph found that news reports to be very uninteresting. He already knew about the little girl because she was his cousin. He also knew about the baseball player because he was one of the fans that made an easy seven bucks.

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Last Updated on January 31st, 1999
©1993-1999 B. Wood Bailey, Jr.