Part V
Ph Watches TV

Chapter 12:   Fans

      When Ph got home from his long day of shopping, he sat down, and then he got back up again. He got up again because he didn't see the cereal bowl on the couch. Then he sat down again. After about three hours he got bored. Then he turned on the t.v. He watched the news, and this is what was on:
      Thrice upon some time, there was a car, there was also a girl. She was a female girl, kind of like the ones with the eyes and ears and stuff. She had an electric fan that ran on electrical currents. Conductivity is the inverse of resistivity, Ph learned that in Materials class. When she turned it on, it would work, and it didn't even want to get paid! In the fan were some blades (they weren't saw blades, because it's a fan) and they would spin around in a circle. When they spun around, they would get dizzy, but they would also blow air out. She liked it when the fan did this because she could talk into it, and it would make her voice sound weird. The first time she did this, she got scared because she thought her voice broke, but now she does it every day, except on Tuesdays, because that's the way it is.
      One day there was a bad storm and the electricity went out. Since the electricity went out, she couldn't run her fan. She couldn't run it because the lights went out so she couldn't find the on button to the fan. She got so mad, that she yelled at the storm and told it to stop being mean. Then the storm stopped but only because it was tired. For some reason, the electricity still wasn't on so she couldn't run her fan. She got so mad that she couldn't even smile any more, and then she bought 88 nine volt batteries. She was very lucky. She only had to pay $3 for them. Since there was no electricity, the crazy guy at the check out register couldn't add up the price. He tried to do it in his head, but that was a big mistake, so he did it on paper. He did all the calculations perfectly, that is, until it was time to throw in the decimal point. Anyway, the batteries were nine volt batteries, because that's what the package said. The girl almost had a heart attack when the packages said this, because she'd never heard a package say anything to her before in such a high squeaky voice. The batteries were round, squares are not round, circles are round but they aren't batteries, don't ask me why because I don't know. Laa la laaa. She connected the batteries together, and hooked them up to the fan. She was very happy because now the fan worked again, and with 792 volts pumping through it, you couldn't even tell it was her voice (or if she was even talking at all).
      With having 88 nine volt batteries hooked up to the sucker, they produced a lot of heat. This gave the girl an idea. The whole system could be used as a heating unit! She got all her friends and family to pitch in, and started a heating company. Unfortunately, she didn't get many customers, and the company went bankrupt. It must have been poor advertisement or something.
      Then one day it was very hot. I don't like it when cold things are hot. It was so hot that all the telephones melted a little, so when people talked on them, they would get their mouths stuck in the melted phone. The girl turned on the radio, then she turned on the fan. She almost couldn't believe it! The sky was still blue, but more importantly, the fan made her cooler. She had just discovered a new use for electric fans. She told the whole world, but it didn't care because the world doesn't have ears. Then she told all the people in the world. It took her a long time to tell it to all the people because her name wasn't Speedy.
      This is why today people use fans to cool themselves when they get hot. If it wasn't for this girl, we would still be using fans to make our voices sound strange and discharge batteries.

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Last Updated on January 31st, 1999
©1993-1999 B. Wood Bailey, Jr.