Part III
Meet Ph's Family

Chapter 6:   Ph's Brother and More Slime

      Ph had many other pets in his family even though none were his, but that's only because they were some one else's, like Ph's other brother.
      Once upon a time, there was a mommy frog and she had lots of baby frogs. The baby frogs were still in their eggs. They were still in their eggs because they hadn't hatched yet.
      One day the (my brother likes toads) babies popped out of their eggs just like buttered, unsalted popcorn. But the frogs weren't cats, and they weren't even frogs. They were tadpoles. I don't know why, but I think it's because the babies have tails that look like poles with just a tad of yellow. They were strange and they didn't even have legs. Ph's brother saw a movie and then he saw the tadpoles. He felt sorry for them so he tried to help them out. He took apart his G. I. Joe dolls and glued their legs onto the tadpoles. After all, lots of people without legs spend thousands of dollars to get artificial ones. He thought he was helping the green little things but they didn't like it. I know they didn't like it because the next time they saw Ph's brother, they stuck their tongues out at him and paddled him with their tiny little tails. Then he brought some of them home to watch them grow because he thought it would be better than watching paint dry, like he usually had done on weekends. He kept them in an empty film container because he already used the film.
      The next day, Ph's brother opened up the film container to feed the tadpoles some hot dogs, because he likes dogs. It took him all day to open it up because he super glued the cover shut so they wouldn't break loose and run away. When he looked inside, he noticed that they weren't moving. He thought that they were all asleep so he didn't bother them.
      A week later, they still weren't moving, so he got mad. He said they were no fun, and then he threw them out the window. Unfortunately, he forgot to open the window first, so the window busticated, kind of like a space shuttle crashing into a sky scraper. Ph told his brother that tadpoles need to live in water and not in film containers. He didn't believe Ph until after he tried it 19 more times, and the same thing happened (He spent a lot of money on buying windows that month).
      Ph's brother decided to put them in a tank of water. He tried to make them feel more at home by dumping bottles of green and brown food coloring and paint in the water, to make it look like real pond water.
      Ph's brother knew that Ph was right about tadpoles needing to live in water, but he didn't want to admit it, so he said the tadpoles still weren't alive. Ph asked him how they could swim if they were dead, and his brother said it was because he tied strings to all of them and pulled them to make it look like they were swimming. Ph knew that his brother was lying, but he didn't care because his brother always says things that don't make any sense, unlike Ph.
      A week later, the tadpoles grew legs, so Ph's brother tried tearing off the G. I. Joe legs, but this made them die so he stopped.
      Another week later, the tadpoles turned into frogs. Ph's brother was so happy that he gave some of them cake to celebrate, but some of them choked to death because he forgot to take the candles out of the cake.
      He still kept them in the water tank because he thought they had to live in water. Soon the frogs tried to jump out of the water so they could breath, but when they did, he threw them back in again. He got tired of throwing them back in, so he tied them down to the bottom of the tank so they couldn't jump out. Soon more frogs started to kick the bucket.
      Ph's brother finally decided to let them go. He tried to untie the strings, but the knots were too tight in his shoes. The knots on the frogs were too tight too, so he tried cutting off their legs, but this made them die, so he cut off part of the strings instead. All the frogs died except one of them. Ph's brother let it go and he was happy.
      A month later, there was an article in the newspaper. Next to this article was an advertisement for a back scratcher. Under this ad was another article which was about a boy who found a frog tangled in a tree with three real legs and two G. I. Joe legs, with string tied on to all of them. The article also said that the boy was going to sell the frog to a zoo for $200,000. When Ph's brother heard about this, he became very aggravated. He knew the frog was his, and thought that he should get the money. He went to the boy's house and asked him for the frog. The boy said, "O.K." but he was only joking, so Ph's brother grabbed the frog from him and ran like the wind. Lucklessly, there wasn't much wind that day so he wasn't running very fast at all. While he was running, he tripped on a stick that was shaped like a small tree branch. Then the frog hopped away from him. Then the other boy ran after it and got it. Ph's brother chased him, and the other boy tripped on the same stick and it broke into two sticks that looked like twigs. The frog hopped away again. Now Ph's brother and the boy were trailing after the five legged frog, but the frog couldn't outrun them even though it had an advantage of having three more legs. When the boys got near it, they both tripped on the two twigs. They started fighting and rolling around like a bunch of weirdoes. They fought for days. Ph started selling people tickets to watch the fight and he made $231.67.
      Finally, they stopped fighting because they broke almost all the bones in their bodies, and it kind of hurt when they tried to move. The other boy won the fight because he received the title belt, and also because he had one more unbroken bone than Ph's brother.
      The two boys had made such a huge dust cloud when they fought, that we had to wait six days for the dirt, dust, hair, and bones and what not, to clear out from the air before we could find the frog. When it was found, it wasn't alive. It wasn't alive because it had gotten crushed like a blueberry pancake when the boys tripped on the two sticks and fell on it. It was a sad day for everyone except for the boy's dog who ate the frog because it thought the frog was a pancake.

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Last Updated on January 31st, 1999
©1993-1999 B. Wood Bailey, Jr.