Part III
Meet Ph's Family

Chapter 5:   Phetti and Her Snail

      Ph's father isn't the only strange person in the family. Ph's sister, Phetti, is fairly exotic too. Here is a little story showing how crazy she really is.
      One day, Phetti wanted to flatten a picture that she drew that had gotten wrinkled. The paper was only 3 years old but it looked like it was in its 70's because of all the wrinkles. The picture was of her favorite snail that she drew with red, green, blue, and yellow crayons and a rust brown magic marker. The marker was magic because it could do magic tricks. I can't tell you what kind of magic tricks because then you would know. The snail was her favorite snail because it was the only snail she ever knew. Oh! and of course the paper wasn't 8" by 11 5/8" because it was smaller. Anyway, the paper had gotten wrinkled when she ran it over with her bike. She was riding the bike while she ran it over. She didn't mean to run the picture over four times, but she had to because it was in her way and she hadn't learned how to turn on her bike yet. She couldn't practice turning because her right turn signal blinker light was broken, and she wanted to do it the right way, not the left. She is also a slow learner. Actually, she is so slow, (how slow is she?) that it takes her all night to wake up after going to bed for the night. So after she ran it over with her bike, she got off the bike (in a quite painful way, but at least she has another arm), and walked over to the picture to check out the damage. On her way to check it out, she ran it over again! What a weirdo. When she walked up to it, she didn't want to step on it, so she moved off to the side, but forgot she was pushing her bike, and wasn't paying attention to the front tire.
      In order to unwrinkle the paper, she had to make it smoother. To do this, she had to put it in a big book that weighed 3.67 pounds. Phetti didn't have enough money to buy a book, so she decided to sell pictures of grass for ten cents each. There was a huge complication though, because there was a lot of snow on the ground and she couldn't remember what grass looked like, so she couldn't draw any pictures.
      Then Phetti remembered that there was a place where people could borrow books for free as long as you had a credit card or something. She couldn't remember exactly what the place was called because it had been a few weeks since she had last been there. She called up the governor of the state, but he wouldn't tell her what the place was called because he was unmerciful. Then she called up Bill Clinton to see if he knew. (She dialed a wrong number first because the person that made the phone had put all the number stickers on the wrong buttons of the phone.) Billy didn't know either because that wasn't in his contract. Then good old Bill asked Mrs. C and she said, "I thinks it's called a library." Then Phetti thanked Mrs. C and went to the candy store. Then she went to the bank to look at all the little piggies because it was a piggy bank. After that, she couldn't remember where the place was so she looked it up in the library. Boy was she lucky! She was already there.
      Phetti went back home, but then she had to go back to the library again because she left her book there. When she got home, she put the book on the table while she looked for her picture. She looked for days before she found it because it was stuck to her shirt. While she was gone, her little brother ripped out page 239 and ate it because it was a cook book and he liked pumpkin pies. Her little brother was named P because he wasn't big enough to have a big boy's name, and also because he wasn't potty trained yet.
      Once Phetti realized the picture was on her shirt, she tried putting the picture in the book, but it wouldn't fit because it was a pitcher instead of a picture. Then she put her picture in the book and waited 27 days. When the 27 days was over, she took a shower and ate an apple, because waiting makes her hungry. Then she looked at a picture and threw it in the fire place. It wasn't her picture. When Phetti opened the book, she saw that the picture was ruined. It shriveled into a ball. She didn't know how it happened until she flipped through all the pages and saw that page 239 was missing, and therefore the book only weighed 3.669 pounds. She called The Police but they didn't care because she called The Police as in the music group. She got really mad and spit on the book, (the book spit back at her, (but it missed)).
      The next day, she opened up the book again to take the picture out so she could return the book. When she picked up the picture, it was in her hand. Then she noticed that the picture was perfect. The spit on the book must have added the extra weight that was missing from page 239. Does that mean spit is just as good as a pumpkin pie?
      When Phetti brought back the book, the librarian saw Phetti's glasses. This was terrible because in the reflection of the glasses, the librarian saw the spit on the book and told Phetti that she would have to pay a fine. She didn't have enough money because she put all her money in the bank and the piggies ate it all up. In order for her to get some money, she had to sell her picture to a museum. The first place she went to wouldn't buy it because this place wasn't a museum. Then she brought the picture to a food museum and they bought it. The food museum bought it because they thought it was a picture of a light bulb, and the museum needed more light. That's what happens when you have an exhibition of art from the dark ages. The museum got extremely mad after Phetti left because they found out that their floor had a crack in it.
      Now Phetti had plenty of money to pay for the book fine. She used all the extra money to buy a mansion for her snail. After she bought the mansion, the snail died because it took 18 days for it to get from its bedroom to the dining room, where all the food was.

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Last Updated on January 31st, 1999
©1993-1999 B. Wood Bailey, Jr.