Part III
Meet Ph's Family

Chapter 4:   The Impact of Ph's Father on Ph


      Ewe's death reminded Ph of his father's death. A few years ago, Mr. Ph (ok, his last name really isn't Ph, but we'll just pretend it is) fell down some stairs. He got hurt. Mr. Ph got hurt too (Huh?). Then Mr. Ph told people not to fall down stairs because it doesn't feel good, but no one believed him, not even Santa Clause. Mr. Ph became very enraged, so he decided to prove it. He paid a bakery to erect the biggest stairway that they could. When it was finished, he was going to fall down it to prove his theory.
      After 1 year, 2 months, 3 days, 4 hours, 5 minutes, and 0 seconds, the stairway was finally complete. It would've been done faster if brain boy, Mr. Ph, had asked a construction company to build the stairs instead of a freakn' bakery shop.
      Then the next morning, when Mr. Ph was to prove that falling down stairs hurts, he had a little bit of bad luck. When he poured his corn flakes into his bowl, one flake bounced and shot straight up at a speed of 2344 miles per second (approximately) up his left nostril and out his right ear. Surprisingly, he died instantaneously. His last words were, "Mmmm, I love corn flakes!"
      The world was woeful because there was a huge bet on how many steps he would fall down before both of his shoulders would dislocate and crush into his neck. Later, Ph announced to the solar system that he would prove it himself.
      The next day, Ph began his climb to the top of the stairs. Unfortunately, the elevator was out of order. The stairway was 1.54 miles high. I know this for a fact because I'm always right. It took Ph ten days to get to the top. It took him this long because every time he got 3/5 of the way up, he had to go to the potty. Everyone got so aggravated that they installed a toilet at every 39 steps. This didn't help though, because they forgot to give Ph some toilet paper.       Then it was time for the big fall. But right as Ph was about to fall, the thing fell apart. No! not Ph, the stairs fell apart, you schmuck! Later it was discovered that the warranty had just run out and everyone knows that when ever the warranty of an expensive item runs out, the thing will break. Then if you want the company who made it to fix it, you have to mail it to them with a proof of purchase and of course you usually end up throwing away the proof of purchase the day before. Then they still charge you twice as much as it would cost to buy a new one to fix it. And if you do decide to do this, right after you mail it, you find out that the company just went out of business. Isn't that a real bummer?
      Well because the stairway was too big to send in the mail, it never got fixed. Now people still donŐt know today that falling down stairs hurts, all because one man bought a faulty box of corn flakes. Ph was learned a lot from this though. From that day on, he would eat his cereal right out of the box. The only disadvantage was that his prize was always soggy.


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Last Updated on January 31st, 1999
©1993-1999 B. Wood Bailey, Jr.