Part II
A Night in the Life of Ph

Chapter 2:   The Football Game



     One night, Ph and his friend, Ewe, decided to go to the high school football game. At the football game were some football players. The football players were playing field hockey. Later, a couple coaches came on the field and said, "You stupid football players! You're supposed to play football, not field hockey!" The football players said, "So that's why they call us football players." Then they commenced to play football.
     Before the football game could officially start, the school band had to march into the stands, while expressing their so called talents in loud blasts. The band was led by their band director named Joe McShmoe, but everyone called him M.C. Johnny G. To sum it up, he was a very outlandish, stupid, goofy, ridiculous, crazy, obnoxious, bizarre, strange, odd, queer kind of guy. Once, he thought he could save money by knitting his own sweater, but he accidentally put the pockets on the shoulders, (Doorrrk!).
     One of the highlights of the night was when M.C. Johnny G was leading the band into the stands. He slipped and fell in a huge mud puddle, and then the game could officially start. The announcers announced the names of the players who weren't starting in the game, but no one could here it because those kinds of things always seem to happen. Sometimes Ph would wonder if they talked into a tin can with a string connected to another as a speaker. Anyway, the two teams not playing were the Giants and Dolphins. The two teams that were playing were the Donald High School Worms, and the Muddyville High School Mosquitoes, (Muddyville High School is really a low school, not a high school, because it sank in the mud). The Donald High School was named after Donald Fagen, because every one knows that Steely Dan is the greatest music group in the world. The game was being played in Muddyville obviously. That's why Johnny G. fell, because it is always muddy in Muddyville. Isn't that so ironic?

     The Worms decided to start the game with a kickoff. They're brilliant, huh? Well it only took the kicker three tries to hit the ball with his foot, so he got a standing ovation. Although there still has been a big controversy over whether that was better that Johnny G's belly flop. Ph gave it a 9.8, mainly because of its difficulty. It's not easy to break your eye glasses and not your nose. Getting back to the real sport, it was a very good kick, and so the Mosquitoes got it and ran 95 yards for the first touchdown, only 14 seconds into the game. After about two minutes, one of the Worms, number 34, got his arm severed off when he ran into the field goal post. Unfortunately, these kinds of worms don't grow parts back when they're cut off. So the ambulance drove onto the field to get the kid, but it ran over and slaughtered four players, including the injured one, because the driver was reading the newspaper while he drove. The guy even works part time at the DMV. Actually, that doesn't mean anything. He's the one who makes sure the camera takes your picture just before you're about to smile. Getting on the subject again, the game resumed in two hours, not one hour, because the ambulance got stuck on the 30 inch line in all the sludge.
     In the second quarter, the Worms made an 80 yard field goal. The Mosquitoes became jealous, so they ran the ball backwards to their own eleven yard line, and went for an even farther field goal, but the ball was blocked by M.C. Johnny G. He ran out into the field, chasing a butterfly. Well he thought it was a butterfly, but it was really a paper bag blowing in the wind. Remember, his glasses broke.
     After the first half, the Mosquitoes were winning 7 to 3. There were only five fatalities and two players in comas. The team budget was cut, so they could only afford to use paper bags for helmets. Maybe the next year they'll be able to upgrade their loudspeaker system from tin to aluminum cans.
     The rest of the game was pretty boring because all the players had to go home and do their homework. But something funny did happen. M.C. Johnny G farted and the whole band yelled doorknob. Soon there were about 150 kids pounding him with hammers, bricks, sticks, and salt licks. After 30 seconds, the kids stopped because the smell made them all faint. The next week, the kids woke up and everyone forgot what happened. This was good for the Worms because everyone forgot what the score was and so they had to have a coin toss to decide the loser. Unfortunately, the coin was never found when it was flipped into the mud, so the game was a draw.


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Last Updated on January 31st, 1999
©1993-1999 B. Wood Bailey, Jr.