Part I
A Day in the Life of Ph

Chapter 1:   Coming Home from School


          Twice upon a time there was a boy. His name was not your name. It was Phlob. I don't like to spell his name, so I'll just call him Ph.
          One day Ph was coming home from school on the bus. This wasn't just any bus, it was a school bus. He was very tired and so he fell asleep. Luckily he didn't get hurt when he fell because he was wearing a helmet. Then when he woke up, he saw that everyone else on the bus was asleep too. This was strange, because usually only three people were allowed to sleep on the bus at a time, because of the new bus rule.
          Ph decided to do his homework on the bus, but then he remembered that the last time he did his homework on the bus, the bus almost blew up. So he decided not to do his homework, even though he had just finished it.
          Then the bus came to a stop, in front of a stop sign. The bus had to stop, because if it had kept on going, it would've run over the sign. Ph hated when that happened, because the stupid imbecile that built the bus had forgotten to put in the reverse gear, so all of the kids would have to go out and push. Since they always pushed, the bus always ran over the stop sign anyway. Some day they'll learn that they should pull, not push.
          Soon the bus driver fell asleep. The bus driver got hurt, because when he fell asleep, he hit his right retina on the first aid kit. Ph thought fast and got some Kool-Aid to use instead of the first aid and used that to help the bus driver. He helped the driver because he was out of putting range. Ph tried to go for birdie on the 19'th hole, but he hit a retarded squirrel that gotten in the way of the bird. The squirrel was deaf so it didn't see the ball coming. After Ph played a few rounds of golf, he played a few squares of golf. Then he left the course. He almost got run over on his way out because he was accidentally playing on a car racing course instead of a golf course. That must have been why the grass looked like asphalt. Then Ph went back on the bus.
          Ph had nothing to do, so he decided to do what his friend had done when she was in the same situation. This was to practice the alphabet. But then Ph remembered that this made the girl even more bored (not a board made of wood, bored as in nothing to do). Then Ph thought of trying to make a sentence starting with each letter. The sentences he made were about things that made him hostile. Below is a list of his fun filled activity.

B:Baseballs when they hit me in the face.
C:Cars that don't have any wheels.
E: Extra homework that my teacher gives me and she doesn't even know how to do it.
F: Funny jokes that I don't understand.
G: Gas stations that give away cheap plastic cups that melt in the dishwasher.
H: Hang gliders that crash into my house all the time.
L: Libraries that close before six o'clock.
N: Names that rhyme with the word lugubrious.
O: Opened doors that door close.
P: Pinnacle playing cards.
R: Rain, but only when it's wet.
S: Spider webs because they always stick to my face.
T: Triangles you have to draw with a crayon that have an angle of less than 4 degrees.
W: Waiting for the light of the sun to reach Earth.
X: Anything that starts with this stupid letter.
Y: Yo-yos that cut off the blood circulation to my finger.
Z: Zebras that have green stripes.


          Ph was still bored after doing this and he was tired of waiting for the people on the bus to unfall asleep, so he tried waking them up. He tried kicking, licking, punching, and poking their eyes out with pens to wake them up, but it didn't work. The reason for this was because the pens were really undercover pencils. The funny thing was that every time Ph touched someone, they would start snoring. Actually, this was so funny that Ph's side almost ripped open because he was laughing at a rate of 29 laughs per second. By now, the bus was a bus full of roaring snores and crushed animal crackers (don't worry, they weren't endangered animals).
          Ph decided to leave, but first he had to divide eleven by the cubed root of pi (no, not apple pie). He walked over to the bus door (he didn't trip on his shoelace) and grabbed the door handle. The handle didn't like this, so it grabbed Ph back. Ph tried pulling as hard as was possible at the time, but the door wouldn't open because it was closed. Then he decided to go out the emergency door because this was an emergency. He trekked to the back of the bus, (he wasn't chewing gum) but something was wrong. There wasn't an emergency door there. Ph thought there was an emergency door on all buses, but he was wrong because he wasn't right. Now he had to walk to the front of the bus again. This made him scared because he wasn't not scared. When Ph got to the front of the bus again, (in other words, the opposite side of the back) he was stupefied. This was inconceivable, since he had been taking anti-stupifying pills. Anyway, this happened because the door was open now. He thought that maybe the wind had blown it open, so he became unstupified.
          Ph got out of the bus, and stepped onto the ground, but the ground was a little dirty. Something wasn't correct. It was supposed to be about 2:34 pm, but the sun was no where to be seen. He couldn't see the sun because the sky was too dark. He pulled up his shirt sleeve to look at his watch, but his wrist wasn't there. Then he remembered that he puts his watch on his other arm (Ph lost his hand in an unfortunate fight with his sister). He pulled up his other shirt sleeve, but it wasn't there either. Ph concluded that it was missing. Then he thought that he might have left it in the bus, because every once in a while, there's usually a chance that nothing is never impossible, as long as it has happened at least three times before. He turned around to go on the bus, but guess what (you're wrong!) something was wrong. Ph hadn't gone any where yet but the bus was gone. He forgot why he wanted to go on the bus anyway so he didn't worry about it.
          Now Ph wanted to go home. He started running, but he didn't get very far. As a matter of fact, he only went two miles. He stopped running when he realized that he couldn't remember where he lived. You may forget your locker combination, your friend's phone number, your sister's name, or how this story began, but how could Ph forget where he lived? Then he dropped his pet letter q. Then he pulled out a deck of card, but he didn't play card very long (he lost the other 51 cards a long time ago). Then he told me not to use the word "then" again. Then I said "no" and then he said "oh." He didn't know what to do, so he did a hand stand (he kind of cheated a little though because he still had three of his feet on the ground). After a while, he passed out from all the blood filling his head like a balloon that's been filled with blood.
          When Ph woke up, he was flabbergasted to find himself lying on an airplane runway. He didn't have much time to think about how he got there, because a stealth bomber was heading right for him. He knew he wouldn't be able to run out of the way in time, so he jogged out of the way instead (funny funny, bees make honey.) The bomber just missed him. Unfortunately, it didn't miss his shirt, which got stuck on the wing of the plane (ha ha, if you're not laughing by now then you must not be a freak.) The plane broke because of this, and the plane guy made Ph glue it back together with tape. While Ph was gluing it back together, he got his nose stuck to the engine. He pulled with all his might, but unfortunately, he recently sold most of his might at a tag sale, so he couldn't pull very hard (what the?). Finally, his nose came off the engine, and he went crashing to the ground like a hot air balloon. This didn't feel very good for Ph because the plane was about 25,007 feet in the air when it happened, and he had forgotten to pack a parachute in his lunch. He landed on his feet luckily.
          When Ph got up, he was sitting on his bed, and had a big headache. For a few weeks he was confused, but then he realized that he was day dreaming for half the time, and the rest of the time was just a dream. What a relief.


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Last Updated on January 31st, 1999
©1993-1999 B. Wood Bailey, Jr.