Horoscopes: Aries ~ Taurus ~ Gemini ~ Cancer ~ Leo ~ Virgo ~ Libra ~ Scorpio ~ Sagittarius ~ Capricorn ~ Aquarius ~ Pisces Aries (Mar 21 - April 19) A gigantic lobster will throw you into a blackhole and you will be teleported to my television! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Evil apricots will attack your starship, and you will be forced to abort your mission. Gemini (May 21 - June 21) A bucket of love spray will be spilled on your from an airplane while you're walking to the store to buy a toothbrush. Your toothbrush will fall in love with you, and you will get married to it. Cancer (June 22 - July 22) A tiny rabbit will tell you how to become a billionaire, you will then e-mail me this information. Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) An eskimo will take over your hot dogs, and you'll need to purchase a new overcoat. Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) A flamingo will fly over your head and scream "I THINK I THINK I KNOW IT ALL". Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Your mother will force you to marry a buffalo, and you will love every freakin' minute of it! Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You will think your horoscope still sucks! Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) A giant will kick you in da face! Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) A paper clip will attack you on your way to the marker factory. Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Acne will break out on your potatos. You will then make a million dollars on the streets of 7-11. Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) You will learn how to fly, and will fly into a glass window.

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