NYPD Blue: Season
Four
(1996-97)
page one
"Moby Greg"
"Thick Stu"
"Yes, We Have No Cannolis"
"Where's Swaldo?"
"Where'd the Van Gogh?"
"Yes Sir, That's My Baby"
"Ted and Carey's Bogus Adventure"
"Unembraceable You"
"Caulksmanship"
"My Wild Irish Nose"
"Alice Doesn't Fit Here Anymore"
James Martinez: Hey Greg, I thought you were starting a diet.
Greg Medavoy: Yeah, at 8:00 a.m. That-that-that's my farewell doughnut.
Greg Medavoy: Hey, Andy. All set for the weigh-in?
Andy Sipowicz: No.
Greg Medavoy: Andy!
Andy Sipowicz: I'm not startin' a diet today, Medavoy.
Greg Medavoy: This has become a nightmare, Andy... these continual
postponements.
Andy Sipowicz: Medavoy, I'm not startin' a diet today, all right? You
wanna start it, you start it yourself.
Greg Medavoy: Andy, we both require peer reinforcement. We've discussed
this.
Andy Sipowicz: Medavoy, shut up.
Andy Sipowicz: (indicating some drag marks on the pavement) You
see them drag marks, huh? That trunk got dumped over here and moved by hand over
there. (points across the street at two detectives) You see those two
humps over there?
James Martinez: That's Bauman and Giamatti from the 13th.
Andy Sipowicz: You can make book that they're the ones that moved it.
Detective Bauman: What do you got, Andy?
Andy Sipowicz: We got a dump job, Bauman, about 30 feet into our
precinct.
Detective Giamatti: Is that a body in that trunk, Sip?
Andy Sipowicz: Don't ask me what's in the trunk again.
Greg Medavoy: Some lucky break for you guys, huh, Bauman? It got dragged
clear out of your jurisdiction.
Detective Giamatti: We resent that inference.
Detective Bauman: You just lost yourselves help canvassing all these
witnesses.
Andy Sipowicz: Oh, now that's a laugh riot, Bauman. You keep crackin'
wise, I'll put you in there with the stiff.
Bobby Simone: You guys wanna take a ride with us down to 14th Street,
maybe we can make an I.D. off this?
Detective Bauman: Nah.
Detective Giamatti: You got it covered.
Greg Medavoy: They're still workin' off the Lord's instructions: "Do
nothing till I return to earth."
Detective Giamatti: You puttin' on a little weight, Medavoy?
Greg Medavoy: Hey, kiss my ass, Giamatti. Give it a big smooch.
Rosalie: Anything in here belongs to me. This is my building.
Andy Sipowicz: You want half the Sunday Post?
Rosalie: Well any money in here is mine!
Andy Sipowicz: You know, I don't usually hit women, but I don't mind
'cause when they hit back it don't really amount to much.
Bobby Simone: Diane, do you think we should buff up a little bit before
we go out?
Diane Russell: Is that what we're callin' it today?
Bobby Simone: I'm talkin' about changing clothes.
(throwing Hector onto a mattress so they can cuff him)
Andy Sipowicz: You're done! You're done!
Hector: I nearly got you too, pig.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, I'm the one you threw the shots at, Hector.
Bobby Simone: I got the gun.
Hector: You didn't hide like a bitch, I'd have took your ass out!
Bobby Simone: Shut up!
Andy Sipowicz: Oh, sticks and stones, Hector. Now we'll see how your
bones hold up.
Sylvia Costas: Remember making love?
Andy Sipowicz: What are you suggesting?
(Sylvia removes her robe)
Andy Sipowicz: (motioning to Theo's crib) I'd hate to wake him up.
Sylvia Costas: Well, just don't beat your chest and do your jungle yell.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, I guess I could leave that out.
(Stu Morrissey walks into the bathroom and sees Andy and Greg standing around
with their shirts off)
Stu Morrissey: What the hell are you doin' in here?
Greg Medavoy: Weighing ourselves. We're starting a competitive diet.
Stu Morrissey: Yeah, real interesting.
Andy Sipowicz: Anybody ask if you were interested?
Stu Morrissey: Yeah, that's a point. Hate to butt in with real
police work.
Greg Medavoy: Hey, let me loan you some of my kids' Mister Rogers tapes,
Morrissey. Give you a different approach to your begin-the-day attitude.
Stu Morrissey: Ah, save it.
(after the weigh-in)
Greg Medavoy: And I'll tell you something, Andy. I did not relieve myself
before the weigh-in. So I got that advantage.
(Andy walks out of the bathroom shaking his head and looking annoyed)
Greg Medavoy: (as the door closes) Number one or two!
It's a secret ballot, Martinez. That's what all them wars were for.
--Andy Sipowicz on whether he'll vote for James Martinez or Vince Gotelli
for the squad's union delegate
Look, the baby was in the stroller, my back was halfway turned talking to my
mother, and somebody picked her up. And if I find out who in the hell stole my
daughter before you guys do, then you're gonna have me in here for murder!
And I'll cop to it!
--Ricardo Garza, father of a missing baby, in an interview with
Bobby, Andy, and Stu
I love cannoli. Suck the goo right out of them.
--P.A.A. Geri Turner, as Andy walks by her desk
(after Vince Gotelli dropped off some cannoli to try and sway some votes)
Greg Medavoy: How about that, uh, Vince Gotelli? He's like a dealer with free
snorts. Appeals to a person's weaknesses.
Bobby Simone: Greg... (motions for Greg to wipe some powdered sugar off his
mouth)
(Bobby meets the son of the woman who left him an apartment building)
Henry Coffield: I'm done talking to you. Get the hell out of here.
Bobby Simone: You must get hit a lot, right?
Henry Coffield: Go ahead, hit me. I'll sue the city. Get straight.
(discussing a suspect who Vince wrongfully tuned up)
Andy Sipowicz: How do you say this guy's name?
Vince Gotelli: Nene.
Andy Sipowicz: Nene? He should be collared just for that.
(after their interview with Nene)
Vince Gotelli: You think I messed up?
Andy Sipowicz: I think you wasted a good beating, Vince.
Vince Gotelli: Oh, dammit.
"Yes, We Have No Cannolis" (04.03)
(Vince shows up at the squad drunk after finding out that Martinez won the
election)
Vince Gotelli: My loyal, fellow detectives... how's it going?
Bobby Simone: Hey, Vince.
James Martinez: Hey, Vince. I hope there's no hard feelings. I, uh, hope
I can make a good delegate like you.
Vince Gotelli: Yeah, so now I'm booted aside, right, Martinez? I sweat my
ass over a hot stove to make homemade cannolis for you bums, and this is the
thanks I get! You want the kid, you got him. He don't know nothin' from nothin'.
Bobby Simone: Come on, Vince.
Vince Gotelli: (to Geri) Bunch of ingrates. Sixteen years. What's
your name, dear?
Geri Turner: Geri.
Andy Sipowicz: You wanna sleep that off, Vince, huh? Let it go till you
nap.
Vince Gotelli: (comes up close to Andy) Did you vote for me, Andy?
Andy Sipowicz: (gets a whiff of Vince's breath) Hmm. You wanna
borrow my Lavoris?
Vince Gotelli: Did you? 'Cause I'm feeling like a thrown-away shoe.
Andy Sipowicz: (sighs) Yeah, I voted for you, Vince. And I feel
like a dope for doing it, with you carrying on like this. Now pull yourself
together and go home.
Vince Gotelli: You're right. You're right.
(Vince walks to the squad door, then turns around to face the detectives)
Vince Gotelli: Exception of Andy, if any of you day-tour guys think
that you'll be seeing any more of my homemade cannolis again, you're dumber than
you look.
(discussing Fancy's root canal)
Andy Sipowicz: I used to have just the cure for that.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: I'm a fifty-cent cab ride from trying it.
Bobby Simone: Do you believe this, Andy? We're gonna have to re-open this
case.
Andy Sipowicz: Ohhh, yeah. We're gonna make a lot of friends.
A.D.A. Leo Cohen: Don't they keep you guys busy enough?
Andy Sipowicz: Why, are you taking a survey?
Bobby Simone: Did you get us the orders to produce?
A.D.A. Leo Cohen: People who prosecuted that case still work in my
office. I had to fly through some heavy flak.
Andy Sipowicz: You see, that's why we sleep easy, Cohen, knowing you're
up there in the fighter plane.
(after Leo Cohen tried to make a pass at Gina, the P.A.A. in Anti-Crime)
James Martinez: I'd like to give that Cohen guy a smack.
Andy Sipowicz: Line starts up on Fourth Street.
(discussing an old case with the retired detective who closed it)
George Harper: The payroll guard said it was him. The other witness,
he I.D.'d him. And now I got some... chauffeur here coming and telling me
I screwed up.
Bobby Simone: Hey, asshole, I had my shield before I drove for the P.C.
[police commissioner] And there were reasons why I took that job.
George Harper: Yeah, well, if you think I'm taking this too personally,
that's the way we used to do it, kid.
Bobby Simone: Oh, yeah, that must have been before you took
three-quarters off a five-mile-an-hour fender bender.
George Harper: Is that how you told him the story?
Andy Sipowicz: No, I told him it could've been six, George, but we
ain't here to talk about how you got your medical pension.
Andy Sipowicz: Where you from, Larry?
Larry Blueford: Helena, Arkansas.
Andy Sipowicz: That near where our blowhard president grew up?
(trying to get Larry to admit his involvement in an old robbery)
Andy Sipowicz: Past the immunity, maybe we could steer some
privileges your way.
Larry Blueford: You get me some conjugal visits?
Andy Sipowicz: Where's your wife at?
Larry Blueford: I'm not married.
Andy Sipowicz: That could hold you back some.
Larry Blueford: You all could, you know, bring a hooker up here and say
we're married.
Andy Sipowicz: Your mouth any better?
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Yeah. Still feels like I took a good right.
Andy Sipowicz: That's how Patterson felt after the first Johansson fight.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Had to go back a while, huh, Andy? A white heavyweight
who could punch?
Uniform: DOA in the back's holding a nine-millimeter and maybe half a
gram of coke.
Bobby Simone: Half a gram, huh? What'd you do, weigh it?
(reading a note found on the dead body of Brother Kwasi)
Bobby Simone: Aisha, 10:30.
Andy Sipowicz: What, is that some tribal name?
Bobby Simone: It's a woman's name.
Andy Sipowicz: Susan's a woman's name.
I guess the one DOA, he's now the dealer formerly known as "Prince."
--Greg Medavoy on one DOA's street name
(interviewing a hooker about a murder in a bodega)
Lisa: I cooperated fully. I wanna go.
James Martinez: You're staying here till we find Oswaldo.
Lisa: Oh, brother. Can I at least get some stuff from my girlfriend's?
Greg Medavoy: Who're you kidding, Lisa?
James Martinez: Forget about your crack pipe till we get Oswaldo in here.
Lisa: (sighs) Well, under those circumstances, Oswaldo's probably
over at his numbers room over here on Ninth.
Fat Cat: What's goin' on, man?
Bobby Simone: Gerard Markham?
Fat Cat: Oh, you call me that, my mama must've sent you.
(a moment later, as Bobby starts cuffing him)
Fat Cat: That mean we goin' in?
Bobby Simone: That's right, Fat Cat. We are going in.
Fat Cat: See, you call me that, now I know who you're talking about.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, you keep talking like we're chums, blimpy. We'll
give you the secret handshake back at the station house.
Fat Cat: Hey, you know, I was at the Javits boat show all yesterday with
my mother.
Andy Sipowicz: So you know he got hit yesterday?
Fat Cat: Newspaper said. Oh, Negroes read. How about them models at that
boat show with their titties hanging out? Man, white women smilin' at the
brothers. Huh! Got me all excited, Detective Sip-o-wicz.
Andy Sipowicz: Did you get excited, Fat Cat? How could you tell with your
belly hanging over your joint?
Your buddy just give you up, Trent, or am I taking that wrong? Is there
anything you want to do about that, or, uh, you want to start thinking about
being a husband to some guy named Joe?
--Andy Sipowicz to Trent, one of Fat Cat's button men
A.D.A. Leo Cohen: How do I get to be the bad guy?
Andy Sipowicz: Ask your parents.
"Where'd the Van Gogh?" (04.05)
(walking up to an art gallery)
Andy Sipowicz: You know, statistics show 85 percent of these art guys
are homos.
Bobby Simone: Yeah, huh?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah. 85 percent, minimum.
(after talking to several people at the art gallery)
Andy Sipowicz: Told you, Bobby. Three out of three. Statistics don't
lie.
You know, Jerry Springer did a whole theme show on what's up with her:
"Denial's Not a River in Egypt."
--Anna Ortiz, the other wife of Detective Jesse Ortiz
Geri Turner: Detectives, there's a Mike Roberts on the phone.
Andy Sipowicz: Does he sound like he's selling raffle tickets?
Geri Turner: He says it's regarding the Forsmann case.
(after getting off the phone)
Andy Sipowicz: Verrrrrry mysterious, Roberts. Verrrrry big deal.
Something very tasty for us.
Bobby Simone: Yeah, huh?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah. Probably yesterday's lunch.
Geri Turner: Do you have just a minute for me?
(Andy turns around as Geri gets up really close to him)
Geri Turner: Do you see what's under my blouse?
(she starts undoing buttons)
Andy Sipowicz: What, are you crazy?
Geri Turner: Oh, I'm not talking about my breasts.
Andy Sipowicz: Button your blouse.
Geri Turner: My undergarment is rubber. It's holding all my fluids
in.
(Andy quickly walks toward the coffee room)
Andy Sipowicz: Bobby. That girl is a menace.
Bobby Simone: Geri?
Andy Sipowicz: Just made a pass at me. Said she's wearing a diving suit
under her clothes.
Bobby Simone: How is that a pass?
Andy Sipowicz: I'm telling you what her intentions were.
(discussing the prince's likelihood of being convicted for the near-fatal
assault on his wife and the theft of her art collection)
Prince Laszlo Forsmann: Oh, yes, they won't be for me how they were
for O.J. Simpson.
Andy Sipowicz: You didn't bring them the same kind of wonderful thrills
on the football field.
Prince Laszlo Forsmann: You don't know what football is.
Jimmy Liery: How about my Christian forgiveness? Drop me, drop back in, I
don't yell, raise my hand.
Diane Russell: I didn't drop you, Jimmy.
Jimmy Liery: I didn't receive any long, teary letters from you.
Diane Russell: Did you wanna move to Omaha?
Jimmy Liery: Could've happened. I'd have liked the chance to choose, you
know, but... I harbor no ill will, which is another connection between me and
the lady in Calcutta.
Diane Russell: And now I'm back.
Jimmy Liery: There's talk that I'm her bastard child, you know.
"Yes Sir, That's My Baby" (04.06)
Geri Turner: Detective? I've got something for your desk.
Andy Sipowicz: Uh-huh.
Geri Turner: (getting too close) I noticed you had a frog.
(she produces a black rubber frog)
Andy Sipowicz: And here's another one.
Geri Turner: It's rubber.
(the frog squeaks as Andy squeezes it)
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah.
Geri Turner: Like the human condom cutoffs I've got on for underwear.
(Andy and Bobby push Luke up against the bar to cuff him)
Bobby Simone: Just like that, Luke.
Luke: How do you know my name?
Andy Sipowicz: He got hit in the head with a meteor when he was a kid,
gave him strange mental powers.
Bernard Mays: You don't wanna know what I'd do you didn't have that badge
and gun.
Bobby Simone: Shut up.
Jill Kirkendall: Well, that's gonna remain one of those theoretical
questions, Bernard.
"Ted and Carey's Bogus Adventure" (04.07)
That's two more policemen here, Annette! You feel special enough to come out
now?
--Thelma Morris, trying to get her sexually assaulted daughter to come
out of her bedroom
Bobby Simone: Annette, I'm Detective Simone. Do you want to talk to me?
Annette Morris: (through the door) I don't know.
Thelma Morris: You do it. He's a good man.
Bobby Simone: We just want to make sure that you're not hurt, all right?
Come on out and we'll talk about what happened.
Annette Morris: I don't want people mad at me.
Thelma Morris: Aw, you missed that boat, baby!
Andy Sipowicz: You gonna shut your yap anytime soon and let my partner do
his job?
I know him. I put him in Bellevue four years ago. He kept biting the heads
off his mom's parakeets.
--Andy Sipowicz describing Fred Dollinger
Andy Sipowicz: You know, I pulled some kind of back muscle twice up and
down seven flights of stairs.
Bobby Simone: Yeah, but you got your exercise.
Andy Sipowicz: Today through Friday.
(interviewing some transvestite prostitutes who might have witnessed a
murder)
Andy Sipowicz: Those are males.
Bobby Simone: Yeah, huh?
Diane Russell: I know Angela and Peaches from vice. A cop in a sector car
saw them working the corner a couple minutes before this happened.
Peaches: We don't know nothin' about this.
Bobby Simone: Are you Angela or Peaches?
Peaches: Peaches.
Bobby Simone: We got a sector car that puts you here.
Angela: Yeah, but we didn't do nothin'.
Andy Sipowicz: So you dress like that for comfort, then.
Peaches: Charge us for solicitation, you gotta catch us in the act,
pretty boy.
Andy Sipowicz: Don't tell me what I can do.
Bobby Simone: All right. We're going to the station house, we're gonna
look at some pictures.
Peaches: Man, we told you what you wanted.
Andy Sipowicz: Now you're gonna help us put a name to the guy that you
saw standing over Willie.
Bobby Simone: And you know why that is? Because underneath those skirts,
we know you got hearts of gold.
Andy Sipowicz: And johnsons in your underwear.
Angela: I'd like to be dismissed before this gets ugly.
Peaches: (snaps her fingers) You late to beat ugly.
Andy Sipowicz: Shut up!
(as the prostittues leave the squad)
Peaches: These people are ruthless... but the tall one is cute.
Andy Sipowicz: I'm wondering how Phesians got his staph infection.
Bobby Simone: Yeah, I don't know.
Andy Sipowicz: How many naughty things can you do with your left calf?
Arthur Cartwell: I didn't do nothin'.
Bobby Simone: I don't know how the hell you got out.
Arthur Cartwell: 'Cause I didn't do nothin' last time, either.
Bobby Simone: Shut up.
Andy Sipowicz: Upside with our penal system, Arthur, locked up repeatedly
for crimes you don't commit, at least we don't make you do too much time, huh?
Rickie: Last week, Willie's out there throwin' bullets at me, I don't see
you all movin' on him.
James Martinez: You make a complaint, Rickie?
Rickie: No, I takes care of my own business.
Andy Sipowicz: Attaboy, Rickie. It's bright choices like that put you on
the successful path.
The future keeps telling us what the past was about. You make the past mean
different things by the way you use the time that comes after.
--Lt. Arthur Fancy to Maceo Williams
(describing the relationship between the DOA and her cleaning lady)
Len (the building superintendant): They used to chew the fat when
Mildred was done working. Summers, I'd see 'em outside with their tea. Both
Polacks, you know.
Andy Sipowicz: Polacks? The tea dribble down their chins?
Bobby Simone: Meet Detective Sipowicz...
Len: Hey, how's it goin'? Uh... no offense.
Andy Sipowicz: Too stupid.
Len: You need me for anything else?
Andy Sipowicz: No, just don't go anywheres. Don't leave town.
Len: Why, what's the problem?
Andy Sipoiwcz: No problem as long as you stay within this jurisdiction.
Len: I'm a suspect? You gotta be kiddin'.
Andy Sipowicz: Just stick around like I said.
(reaches into his coat for a note pad and pen)
Len: (to Bobby) You can tell I'm not a suspect, right?
Bobby Simone: His case.
(Andy holds out the pen)
Andy Sipowicz: Protrude the point for me.
(Bobby clicks the top of the pen with his middle finger)
Andy Sipowicz: I keep sticking myself in the eye.
Len: Oh boy.
(regarding a suspect who keeps pushing his finger into Andy's chest)
Andy Sipowicz: If I restrain myself from breaking his jaw, is what
he's doing assault?
Bobby Simone: (nods) Yeah.
Richard Manzak: (poking Andy again) I'm telling you--
(Andy and Bobby grab him and cuff him)
Bobby Simone: You were pushin' him. Now you're under arrest. That
makes you a collar. You understand that?
Richard Manzak: You guys are fags, right? Yeah. You're fags from some
women's group.
Andy Sipowicz: That don't make us bad people.
(discussing the DOA's maid)
Richard Manzak: She's got sticky fingers. She stole from Kate. I say,
"Kate, when are you gonna fire this dumb Polack?" Now she starts on me using
Polack. "I'm a Polack. She's a Polack." (to Andy) Are you a Polack?
Andy Sipowicz: Absolutely.
Richard Manzak: It's different us calling each other that, right?
Andy Sipowicz: I'm not a big expert with ethnic sore points.
Andy Sipowicz: That could be a criminal mastermind in that room. I come
out of there, I don't know what happened. Plus, I don't know what she said.
Plus, I don't know if she knows.
A.D.A. Leo Cohen: Where are you guys on the Dabrowski homicide?
Bobby Simone: It's the cleaning lady or the husband, or maybe both of
them.
A.D.A. Leo Cohen: Any evidence other than their statements?
Andy Sipowicz: Not at present.
A.D.A. Leo Cohen: When you decide who you like, remember,
non-corroborated conversation between husband and wife is privileged unless both
parties waive.
Bobby Simone: Yeah, well, our idea was one flips, and then the other one
confesses.
A.D.A. Leo Cohen: They knock New York on a lot of quality of life issues,
but no one can deny this is the state to live in if you wanna keep your spouse
from sending you to jail.
Andy Sipowicz: (as Leo leaves) Ever wonder what he does at nights
for fun?
Next time someone tells a joke about dumb Polacks, you tell them one of these
two people, both Polish, is a criminal genius.
--Andy Sipowicz, on Mildred and Stanley Superczynski
Tommy Mullen: I wasn't here. I don't know what happened to him.
Greg Medavoy: It doesn't bother you? Auctioning off effects in the
corpse's presence?
Tommy Mullen: We don't know the man.
Greg Medavoy: Oh! Oh! I didn't know you weren't acquainted. Yeah, that's
why I was setting the bar too high.
Bobby Simone: This is an AK-47. What are you, with the Russian military?
Jimmy Liery: Da.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Who's this?
Bobby Simone: This is James Liery. I was investigating a complaint on a
firearms discharge. He had an AK-47 on his bed.
Jimmy Liery: Yeah. I use it for a pillow. (to Gina) James Liery
requesting his precious right to counsel.
I got a fan club at One P.P. meets in a storage closet.
--Andy Sipowicz
Frank Pisciotta: Y'know, this is a sick perversion on American justice.
Jack Palermo: All right, Frank.
Frank Pisciotta: You hound working people till they give up their dear
ones like Nazi fascist Germany.
Andy Sipowicz: You get told how you look like Hitler, Frank? And a little
bit Bongo the Chimp?
Walter Hoyt: I'm gonna try more direct expression in my work. A long
time, my painting's been inferential... define things by what they're not. But
my heart is so full now, if I don't engage the canvas more, this thing's gonna
beat me.
Andy Sipowicz: Does that make that painting you gave me worth more or
less?
Walter Hoyt: Depends on what happens next.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, yeah, I guess that's true generally.
"Alice Doesn't Fit Here Anymore" (04.11)
Give me a heads-up when it's gonna come to shots. I'll make for the fish
tank.
--Andy Sipowicz after Diane overheard Bobby and Jill Kirkendall
discussing dinner plans
Hyman Kozler: If you're going to do it, you ought to get going.
Bobby Simone: Sure.
Andy Sipowicz: That's probably the last scheduling advice we're gonna
need from you.
(while frisking a suspect)
Greg Medavoy: This is an illegal knife, pal.
Harvey Doss: Aww! They sell them in the stores.
Greg Medavoy: What's this, huh? Oh, a crack pipe.
Harvey Doss: I found that. That's not mine.
Greg Medavoy: Yeah, not anymore.
(at dinner)
Jill Kirkendall: What'd you work today?
Bobby Simone: Um, homicide off a jewelry theft.
Jill Kirkendall: Oh.
Bobby Simone: Perp went and hung himself.
Jill Kirkendall: Hmm. They should popularize that as an alternative to
trial.