NYPD Blue: Season Two
(1994-95)
page two
"Large Mouth Bass"
"Travels with Andy"
"A Murder with Teeth In It"
"Bombs Away"
"Unamerican Graffiti"
"Dirty Socks"
"Innuendo"
"Boxer Rebellion"
"The Bookie and Kooky Cookie"
"The Bank Dick"
"A.D.A. Sipowicz"
Five minutes after my shift. What am I still doing here?
--Andy Sipowicz in response to Capt. Bass' restrictions on overtime
(after the night shift nearly blew Andy and Bobby's case)
Detective Sharma: Tommy, come on, we're late.
Andy Sipowicz: You got a landscaping business out on the island, right?
Tommy Mulligan: What, do we got to apologize for that?
Andy Sipowicz: No. Go roll around in your fertilizer, you turds.
(after Andy and Bobby bring in Walter Cobb despite a big setback)
Capt. Clifford Bass: I'm just learnin' my job. I made a bad call last
night, and you guys bailed me out.
Andy Sipowicz: You can get drummed out of the boss' union, apologizing
like that.
(talking about Bobby's boyhood friend Ray diSalvo)
Benita Alden: I don't mean it harsh, but he seemed at that club like
another wise guy wannabe.
Bobby Simone: Hmm. Yeah, well, I guess that is what he seems like now,
huh?
Benita Alden: I guess you just had to know him when he was younger.
Bobby Simone: Yeah. Yeah. Nothing's what you thought when you're young.
It's like James Brown says: "Money won't change you, but time will take you
on."
(talking with the day manager of a diner about the murder of three of his
employees)
Phil Bagley: My God, can you imagine? And think about the murdered
people themselves getting shot. That is a tough break.
(a long pause while Bobby looks at him)
Bobby Simone: Yeah.
(as Dr. Paul waits to go on a date with Lesniak)
Dr. Paul Druzinski: You know, I think I've been in a police station
about twice in my life?
James Martinez: Yeah? I think I talked to a doctor without being billed
about twice in my life.
Dr. Paul Druzinski: I'll tell you what, I won't bill you if you don't
arrest me.
(driving through the countryside to interrogate a suspect being held upstate)
Bobby Simone: God, it's beautiful out here. Hey, how about this
temperature? I mean, what is that? Global warming? El Niño?
Andy Sipowicz: You realize we haven't seen another car in 15 minutes.
Bobby Simone: Yeah, these farm roads are great, right? There's no
traffic.
Andy Sipowicz: I dunno. I think we should have stayed on the throughway. (pointing
to his road map) See, it's this thick, red line here all the way through.
This road, it's not even on here.
Bobby Simone: No, the guy on the phone said that this is the shortest
route.
(leading Hanson Riker down the hall of the Cannonsville police station)
Bobby Simone: Come on, Riker. We're gonna take a little ride down to
New York.
Hanson Riker: No I'm not. Take your damn hands off me.
Andy Sipowicz: Keep your mouth shut. Maybe we'll get you a bottle of
Yoo-Hoo for the road.
(leading Hanson up the stairs of the precinct after getting him back to
Manhattan)
Hanson Riker: This is wrong.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah? So's doing it with sheep, but I'm betting you did
that too.
"A Murder with Teeth In It" (02.14)
(interviewing a hotel desk clerk about a pimp's murder)
Bobby Simone: How you doing, Mr. Sinks. What can you tell us about
the victim here?
Larry Sinks: His name's Ricky Martin. He lived in 212.
Bobby Simone: This is 242.
Larry Sinks: I'm the hotel clerk, not the social director. I don't know,
and I don't care what these people do.
Andy Sipowicz: Well, we're not exactly bubbling over with curiosity
either, Larry, but the fact is, one of your skell guests just got killed. That
tends to get our attention. Now you want to be a little more cooperative?
Larry Sinks: The guy lived in 12, ran his whore out of 42.
(leaving the hooker's seedy hotel room)
Andy Sipowicz: Y'know, I always used to figure I'd wind up dead in
one of these joints, and you'd be the prick who'd find me.
Larry Sinks: No offense, you look like the type.
(interviewing a pimp about another pimp's murder)
Andy Sipowicz: You don't know who this dead Ricky is?
Silky: I mean, I know who he is, yeah.
Bobby Simone: He does what you do, Silky.
Silky: I guess not anymore.
Andy Sipowicz: Oh yeah, crack wise with us. That's a good idea.
(before running a photo array of a cop who killed a pimp)
Bobby Simone: That's the room clerk. We've got him in the other
interview room. We'll see what he says.
IAB Sgt. Martens: Where can we see that?
Andy Sipowicz: Get a stepladder. You can peek over the transom.
(after Benita Alden possibly used some pillow talk with Bobby to scoop the
Jerry McCabe story)
Bobby Simone: I felt I could trust her.
Andy Sipowicz: She'd be the first one in her occupation.
(after picking up his laundry from the cleaners)
Andy Sipowicz: Look at this. Hey. Here, another button missing!
Bobby Simone: Andy, with that pattern, I don't think anybody's going to
notice a missing button.
Andy Sipowicz: (looking at his shirts) Who made you the fashion
police?
(Andy removes a briefcase from Illiescu's car)
Bobby Simone: Andy, you wanna call the bomb squad?
Andy Sipowicz: Nah. (opens the briefcase a bit, sees the bomb
materials inside) Call the bomb squad.
Andy Sipowicz: I think you're full of crap.
Vartan Illiescu: Sipowicz. Is that right? Sipowicz?
Andy Sipowicz: Right.
Vartan Illiescu: I think you don't think. I think you are Polack.
Andy Sipowicz: That's right. I'm a Polack. At times I've been deeply
wounded by unthinking remarks. Somehow I find the strength to go on. Now how
about you telling me about the woman in your trunk?
Half the Romanian National Armory's in here.
--Andy Sipowicz, after discovering Illiescu's secret stash of explosives
Andy Sipowicz: We've been out to your place, Illiescu.
Vartan Illiescu: So... now you know I am ordinary man, a worker.
Andy Sipowicz: Are you a communist?
Vartan Illiescu: Discredited and corrput ideologies do not interest me.
Andy Sipowicz: That's good. Because if I thought you were some aggrieved
Third World piss-pot, I'd have to get the Antiterrorism Task Force in on this.
(after Andy takes a Polaroid of a suspect)
Jerry Penetti: Wh-what's that for?
Andy Sipowicz: My scrapbook.
Listen to these guys, you gotta wonder if the gene pool dried up.
--Andy Sipowicz on a pair of uncooperative suspects with bad alibis
(after Walter Hoyt identified two suspects connected with mobster Frank
Pischotta)
Andy Sipowicz: You keep your mouth shut in there.
Jack Palermo: Watch your tone of voice, detective.
Andy Sipowicz: You do not talk to that witness!
Jack Palermo: Hey, I was just being friendly. I happened to recognize the
guy.
Andy Sipowicz: You happened to be trying to send him a message Pischotta
knows who he is, and if you do it again, you will recognize my fist in your
smush. Now get back in there.
Andy Sipowicz: Did you have a good chat?
Jack Palermo: Yes, and now we’re done.
Andy Sipowicz: Alright. Before you go, I want you to see our lavatory.
Jack Palermo: I don’t need to see your lavatory.
(Andy pushes him toward the door)
Andy Sipowicz: It’s a wonderful, wonderful lavatory!
(investigating the scene of a double homicide)
Uniform Officer: His wallet was on the floor next to his pants and
jacket. No money, some credit cards. Licence says Jay Markowitz.
James Martinez: Markowitz for Men. I've seen this guy on TV. "We got
portlies, we got longs." He did his own commericals.
Bobby Simone: Yeah? Now we know what he did for breakfast.
(after Joyce Novak spent the night in a motel room guarded by Adrienne
Lesniak)
Bobby Simone: You sleep alright last night?
Joyce Novak: First pajama party in a while.
Bobby Simone: Detective Lesniak snore?
Joyce Novak: I thought maybe you'd know.
Bobby Simone: No. Uh, we never guarded a material witness together.
What, are you pitchin' a tent up there?
--Andy Sipowicz, during his prostate exam
(The doctor has just finished a digital rectal exam of Andy’s prostate)
Dr. Hulce: Alright, you can stand up.
Andy Sipowicz: What makes you think so?
Dr. Hulce: When you finish this medicine, I'll want to see you for a
follow-up appointment.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah… I'll circle that on my calendar with a big happy
face.
Andy Sipowicz: I was having prostrate difficulties, but I think I'm on
the mend.
John Irvin: I'm glad. (pause) Have I been mispronouncing that word
all these years? I always thought it was prostate.
Andy Sipowicz: No, it's prostrate.
(Andy is holding a dictionary)
Andy Sipowicz: Did you put this on my desk?
John Irvin: Oh... yes, detective. I was looking up something else, and I
happened to notice that word we had talked about.
Andy Sipowicz: Live and learn.
John Irvin: I just thought you might find it interesting.
Andy Sipowicz: Oh, absolutely. This way, if I'm ever on that quiz show Jeopardy!,
and they ask about "prostrate," some other idiot's gonna say "The
gland behind the nuts," and I’m gonna say, "No, no, no, no... that
means to lie face-down in a posture of submission. My old friend P.A.A. Irvin
told me that. That other civilian aide we had, all she did was she just gave us
our messages, but this guy, he gives us definitions and everything!"
John Irvin: I'm sorry, was I inappropriate?
Andy Sipowicz: Nah. I'm just a little chatty. I almost got murdered
earlier.
(after Fancy knocks down Martinez in a practice sparring match)
Lt. Arthur Fancy: You alright?
James Martinez: Yeah, I'm getting used to it.
(Diane Russell walks into the locker room to change for her undercover
assignment)
Vinnie Greco: I gotta use the bathroom.
Bobby Simone: Hold it.
I’m gonna get a migraine tonight 'cause I didn’t beat you.
--Andy Sipowicz to Gallagher after pinning Mrs. Delgado's murder on him
"The Bookie and Kooky Cookie" (02.20)
(on Diane's first day on the job)
Bobby Simone: Listen. Are you gonna be all right about this?
Diane Russell: It's fate.
Bobby Simone: 'Cause you can say something to Fancy.
Diane Russell: "I'm sleeping with Simone. It might look better if
I'm at another desk?"
Bobby Simone: Yeah, that's the wrong approach.
(after talking on the phone with Mike Roberts about a case)
Andy Sipowicz: Mike's finding time for us.
Bobby Simone: Aww, there goes his bingo game.
(before going to lunch with Joyce Novak, an obsessed witness)
Bobby Simone: I gotta go shut this woman down.
Andy Sipowicz: Why don't you wear one of those beanies with a propeller
on your head. Maybe she'll lose interest.
He's a financial manager? And eggs come from the Easter Bunny.
--Bobby Simone to Earl Padzik on a dead bookie
(talking to the cranky mother of a suspect)
Andy Sipowicz: You got charm, you know that, Mrs. Padzick?
Mrs. Padzik: Back at you, dumpy.
There's an occupation... car rental to rapists.
--Bobby Simone
Andy Sipowicz: How are you doing?
Sylvia Costas: I'm in a state of ambulatory hysteria.
Andy Sipowicz: They've got medicine for that?
Sylvia Costas: Yeah, don't have a big Greek wedding.
Marie Medavoy: Thelma and Bob have rented that cabin again up north this
summer. Remember how much you loved it there?
Greg Medavoy: I had allergies there.
Marie Medavoy: (snippy) You took your pills. You enjoyed yourself.
Bobby Simone: Look, I got some friends over at your precinct. I hope the
guys that are hassling you aren't anybody I know. One of them isn't Dundee...?
Paul Caputo: Dundee wouldn't know if his wife was a transvestite.
Bobby Simone: Yeah, he's still that sharp, huh?
That church is liable to tilt, everyone on one side of the aisle.
--Andy Sipowicz on his upcoming wedding with Sylvia
Bobby Simone:
We zeroed on the re-canvass on that Chinatown homicide.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, those people got looking the other way turned into
an art form.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: So where are you gonna take it?
Andy Sipowicz: Well, maybe if we had tanks patrolling Canal Street,
they'd think they were back in their homeland. They'd think they were riding
their bicycles again, wearin' those stupid hats.
Sylvia Costas: Andy, we got lucky. Remember I told you about that inn at
St. Adolphe?
Andy Sipowicz: That place in the forest?
Sylvia Costas: The Laurentian Wilderness. The travel agent called. They
had a cancellation. They can get us in for three nights!
Andy Sipowicz: What about our hotel in Montreal?
Sylvia Costas: I cancelled.
Andy Sipowicz: You canceled Montreal?
Sylvia Costas: Oh, Andy, I can't wait. Waking up with the sun, breathing
pristine air, listening to the birds, no phones, no TV.
Andy Sipowicz: (reading the brochure) Is it near anyplace?
Sylvia Costas: It's bordered by a trout stream. They cook your catch for
you.
Andy Sipowicz: I raise fish.
Sylvia Costas: Well, uh... we'll hike, then. We'll see deer, moose, maybe
even a bear. Oh, Andy, we'll be completely on our own.
Andy Sipowicz: We could be on our own in a civilized region, too, you
know. (a pause; she's disappointed) But yeah, this uh, this sounds
great... This... it's great. Yeah.
Andy Sipowicz: Someone's cut out of this picture. Is that your hand there
lining the dope up?
Francine: (scoffs) You know what? I did not have to come down
here.
Andy Sipowicz: (sarcastically) You want to see justice done.
Andy Sipowicz: Ahh, I was looking forward to Montreal. Now I gotta
honeymoon like some beaver-pelt trader.
Bobby Simone: Hey, maybe you'll like it out there.
Andy Sipowicz: Maybe I'll like it? Maybe I'd rather spend the time on
Riker's Island. Maybe I'd rather spend it on-on one of these skell junkie's
pissed-on mattresses. Maybe I'd like it.
Bobby Simone: Hey, Andy, Andy, Andy. I'm just trying to make conversation
here.
(talking over the phone with the Bureau of Criminal Information)
Andy Sipowicz: (on the phone) Do I think you're happy about
it? I don't think you're sittin' in a puddle of tears. Let me ask you this
question: what is your record this month for the longest period that
computer has not been down?
Bobby Simone: Andy, when are we gonna get these rap sheets?
Andy Sipowicz: (on the phone) Yeah, I heard of the term
"mutual respect." You ever heard the expression "kiss my
ass"?
Bobby Simone: I'm gonna take the guy in One.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, I'll take Two when this guy's done explaining
respect concepts.
Andy Sipowicz: You ready to go to jail, Toby, huh? Lose your good job at
the Video Barn?
Toby Ray: I didn't do nothin'!
Andy Sipowicz: No, you didn't do enough.
Toby Ray: Hey, look man, why don't you come into the store. I'll get you Forrest
Gump. We've got a ten-day waiting list!
Andy Sipowicz: Think about jail.
Toby Ray: Hey, what about Lion King?
Landlord says this Teniqua broad's up in 3G, and would we please remind her
her rent check's a week overdue?
--Andy Sipowicz before he and the other detectives grab a suspect in his
girlfriend's apartment
(at Andy's bachelor party)
Bobby Simone: You don't mind if I don't stay, do you?
Andy Sipowicz: Would you smuggle me out in your trunk?
(while Martinez belts out an awful rendition of "My Way" at Andy's
bachelor party)
Andy Sipowicz: Medavoy, promise me something.
Greg Medavoy: Andy, I will take care of your fish.
Andy Sipowicz: No. If this goes more than two choruses, I want you to
blow my head off.
Yeah, Arnold, well, why don't you leave me your card, and I'll call you the
second your comfort becomes important to me.
--Andy Sipowicz to A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal after Andy pretended to be a district
attorney when talking to a suspect