NYPD Blue: Season Two
(1994-95)
page one
"Trials and Tribulations"
"From Whom the Skell Rolls"
"Cop Suey"
"Dead and Gone"
"Simone Says"
"The Final Adjustment"
"Double Abandando"
"You Bet Your Life"
"Don We Now Our Gay Apparel"
"In The Butt, Bob"
"Vishy-Vashy-Vinnie"
"Trials and Tribulations" (02.01)
Andy Sipowicz: Did [District Attorney] Abrams come after you?
John Kelly: Yeah, big time. Made it look like Licalsi confessed because I
found out.
Andy Sipowicz: I hate that fat prick with his wimpy beard.
I'm telling you, John, you should have done with that ledger what Nixon
should have done with the tapes.
--Andy Sipowicz to John Kelly over an incriminating ledger Kelly allowed Janice
Licalsi to tamper with
Andy Sipowicz: (walking from the bedroom with a small scale)
You're not dealing, huh, Ramos? So these are the scales of justice? They say
you're a lying turd. (Andy steps on the scale and smashes it)
Jose Ramos: I'm asking you guys to leave, okay?
Andy Sipowicz: First we've got to counsel you how to handle a robbery
attempt should it happen again. We've found the best way an asshole like you
should respond is to seize up the barrel of the intruder's gun in your mouth.
You try to jerk it from his possession. If it goes off in your throat,
we'll arrest the guy, and there's justice all around. You keep that in mind if
you get another scale, you jerk.
Tahir Sewell: Boosting that CD player was a mistake, but I only did that
because I moved into a new place.
Andy Sipowicz: Gave yourself a housewarming present.
Andy Sipowicz: We don't want to see you dirty on this camera, Tahir. You
understand? All we want on that camera is if you get robbed.
Tahir Sewell: Could you see into the crapper?
John Kelly: No. No camera in the crapper.
Tahir Sewell: So, anything self-incriminating, that'd be the place to do
it.
Andy Sipowicz: Why don't you just use your head and keep your mouth shut.
Clients with conscience make for complicated lawyering.
--James Sinclair
The truth and a trial have about as much to do together as a hot dog and a
warm puppy.
--James Sinclair
Andy Sipowicz: I'd like to ask you out to dinner.
Sylvia Costas: Tonight?
Andy Sipowicz: I've got to work with John. How about tomorrow night?
Sylvia Costas: I'd like that.
Andy Sipowicz: Good.
Sylvia Costas: I miss watching you mop your head when you eat.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, I still do that.
(after Andy and John arrested a pair of night tour cops for robbing a
dealer's apartment)
Officer Frank Quint: Who'd we hurt? Nothing but scums and drug dealers.
Andy Sipowicz: Do me a favor: don't whine.
"From Whom the Skell Rolls" (02.02)
Andy Sipowicz: You here for their statements?
Sylvia Costas: On standby. These IAB guys still think they're going to
give some names.
Andy Sipowicz: Then they're gonna go over to the switching yard and root
for a train wreck.
(on the swarm of IAB investigators in the squad room)
John Kelly: I've got no place to work.
Andy Sipowicz: Oh, they'll need our desks for the foreseeable future
analyzing files. They're gonna start with World War II.
Andy Sipowicz: What were we doing, Brigham? Were we running a shakedown,
looking to bust those cops to cut ourselves in?
IAB Lt. Brigham: Lower your voice.
Andy Sipowicz: You callin' us dirty, huh? Why don't you get the balls up
to say it?
IAB Lt. Brigham: I'll tell you this much, Sipowicz. If you weren't dirty,
you'd better pray these guys flip because right now you got dick-fist off
failure to notify.
Andy Sipowicz: I got dick-fist, huh? I got dick-fist?
(Fancy comes out of his office)
Lt. Arthur Fancy: We've got a homicide. (to Andy) Come on.
John Kelly: Let's go do our job. Come on, Andy.
IAB Lt. Brigham: We'll be here.
Andy Sipowicz: If I got dick-fist, Brigham, my fist looks like your face.
(interrupting a conversation between Fancy and Kelly)
Capt. Haverill: Excuse me. They're waiting for your DD5.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: He's conducting an interview on a double homicide.
Capt. Haverill: I don't care if he's conducting the New York
Philharmonic. I want that DD5.
Andy Sipowicz: We've got a warrant on you, Bernard.
Bernard: Look, I admit I've got a problem, a terrible problem with crack.
Andy Sipowicz: (reading the rap sheet) Parole violation,
association with drug users...
Bernard: It put me in. It jammed me up on parole. But I hold a job. I'm
not robbing, and I'm not breaking in.
Andy Sipowicz: (reading from his notepad) "That bitch Barbara took
my money and didn't bring my rock. I'm gonna mess that bitch up good." Two
different witnesses heard you say that last night.
Bernard: Oh, look, I wasn't the only one gave Barbara money. Three, four
other dudes did too. See, you got to understand, when the weather's okay, that
building is wide open. I mean, it's like one great big party. People moving in
and out all night long.
Andy Sipowicz: Music, refreshments.
Bernard: Yeah, right! People movin' from one place, boom, to the next. So
when she gets back right before ten, I go over to this other woman's crib to
watch Star Trek on TV.
Andy Sipowicz: This is... Shawanda... that no one can find.
(asking Shawanda about Bernard's alibi)
Andy Sipowicz: What were you doing?
Shawanda Wilson: Fooling around, watching TV.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah? What'd you watch?
Shawanda Wilson: Why?
Andy Sipowicz: Go... just tell me.
Shawanda Wilson: Star Trek. Bernard watches the one with Spock. I
like the one with LeVar.
(while staking out a corner)
Bernard: Oh man, they gonna know I'm with the police.
Andy Sipowicz: You're a moron.
John Kelly: Bernard, these are tinted windows. They can't see in here,
and we are runnin' out of daylight.
Bernard: I see Calivn by the Caddy.
John Kelly: What does he got to do with this?
Bernard: Nothin', I just know him from the joint.
Andy Sipowicz: You tryin' to bust my balls, Bernard?
Bernard: No.
Andy Sipowicz: If you don't see the guy from the building last night, I
don't give a rat's ass what you see, so shut up.
Sylvia Costas: On the Andretti stabbings, his lawyer's all over me for
the paperwork.
Andy Sipowicz: (handing over a manila envelope) Oh yeah, well...
here. You can tell him that this is every piece of paper that I've got, except
I'm still trying to find those two Kleenexes I sneezed into at the crime scene.
Harold Ng: Hey, Andy. Lookin' good. Something about you different.
Andy Sipowicz: How's it goin', Harold?
Harold Ng: Where the cigarettes? All the time you smoking.
Andy Sipowicz: I quit.
Harold Ng: Must be it. Careful. You get fat like Goodyear Blimp.
Andy Sipowicz: It's nice to see you too, pal.
Adrienne Lesniak: This guy Carlin picked out from the mug books, I'm
gonna go talk to him and his parole officers.
Andy Sipowicz: Ask him about the grassy knoll in Dallas or the
whereabouts of the Lindbergh baby.
(as Capt. Haverill walks to Fancy's office)
John Kelly: Now there's a guy who wants my ass so bad he can taste it.
Andy Sipowicz: He can taste my ass, too, while he's at it.
(Fancy and Haverill enter the squad room as Harold gets ready to leave)
Harold Ng: See you, Lieu.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Hey, good job, Harold.
Harold Ng: John Kelly did some good job. He's some damn good cop. 'Night.
(Harold leaves)
Capt. Haverill: Why don't you people just put on cheerleading outfits?
Lt. Arthur Fancy: It's tough to fire someone who just brought down a cop-killer.
You know that cup you went and broke? Howie gave me that cup. That was my
tit cup!
--Vince Gotelli to Adrienne Lesniak, after she broke an obnoxious coffee mug
given by the late Howie Hornbeck
Andy Sipowicz: Those people that took you off the hook, those are the
people that want Kelly?
Capt. Haverill: He lied at that trial.
Andy Sipowicz: Everybody lies at trials.
Capt. Haverill: He embarrassed the job.
Andy Sipowicz: He embarrassed the job? Huh. And piss runs uphill,
right, Captain? And you're a stand-up guy.
Andy Sipowicz: It's no good, it's not gonna work out.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: What isn't?
Andy Sipowicz: I just met this new guy.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Umm, Simone?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, that's not gonna work out.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: What happened?
Andy Sipowicz: Oh, ho... don't get me started. I mean, his attitude is
all wrong. "How you doin'," this type of thing.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: He asked you how you were doing?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah.
(on a homicide investigation)
Lt. Arthur Fancy: World's coming up here because it's Marterano's
son. Organized crime... Intelligence.
Andy Sipowicz: Oh, now I know the case will clear.
Takes me 22 years to get second grade, this guy gets there shooin' away
squeegee bums.
--Andy Sipowicz on Bobby Simone
Sylvia Costas: Is that the new detective?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, Simone. What kind of name is that?
Sylvia Costas: First or last?
Andy Sipowicz: If it was his first name, he'd be a girl.
(at a construction scene)
Ted: Everything alright, Pat?
Paddy Perkins: These guys are cops, they want me to go with them.
Ted: Yeah? What do you want to do?
Andy Sipowicz: Why, you writing a book?
Paddy Perkins: It's alright, it's alright, Ted. I'll go with them.
Ted: Hey, I know the law. They got no warrant, you don't got to go
nowhere.
Bobby Simone: Hey, Paddy's cooperating here. Now you stay out of this.
Nobody asked you anything.
Ted: Yeah, well I work with the guy and I'm tellin' him his rights.
Bobby Simone: Yeah? What about your rights to gettin' your ass kicked,
gettin' collared and windin' up in night court? You wanna go for those?
(after Greg sweet-talked a child molester into writing a full confession)
Arthur Davis: Is that satisfactory?
Greg Medavoy: Yeah. Yeah. This'll do the trick. (he moves behind him)
Mr. Davis... I'm placing you under arrest.
Arthur Davis: This is just another formality?
Greg Medavoy: (handcuffing him) Yeah. Yeah. This is the formality
that puts you in jail.
Arthur Davis: What are you saying? You promised I'd get off with
counseling!
Greg Medavoy: Someone else will make that decision. I'm putting you under
arrest.
Arthur Davis: You lied to me. You promised me if I made a statement, I
wouldn't have to go to jail.
Greg Medavoy: I said a statement's your best shot. The D.A. makes the
decision. You want my opinion... I hope they put you away, you sick son of a
bitch.
(discussing Bobby Simone)
Sylvia Costas: Seems like a nice guy. You want to invite him to dinner?
Andy Sipowicz: Hey, I'm working with this guy. I'm not lookin' to adopt him.
"The Final Adjustment" (02.06)
(after Greg runs some information on their homicide case)
Greg Medavoy: Uh, listen, guys, um... I gotta stay close to the
station house for a couple hours.
Bobby Simone: What's wrong, Greg?
Greg Medavoy: Well, I'm tryin' this high-fiber cereal, y'know, with dried
fruit? My digestive system is in complete upheval. (removes his overcoat and
moves toward the bathroom) Uh, excuse me.
(interviewing a woman about her connection to the husband of a homicide
victim)
Andy Sipowicz: So whenever you and him talk, it's always
business-related?
Judith Krasky: No, we talk socially. I mean, since I worked for him, we
stayed friends.
Andy Sipowicz: Like, uh, after the opera, him and the missus would stop
by for a little sherry?
Judith Krasky: I don't get what you mean.
Andy Sipowicz: I mean there's eighty-some calls to you in the past month
from a line in the doctor's house.
Judith Krasky: So?
Andy Sipowicz: So either you were screwin' the doctor or you were screwin'
his wife.
Judith Krasky: That's disgusting.
Walter Krasky: Oh, I don't believe how this stuff is always happening to
me.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, sit there feelin' sorry for yourself, Walter. Keep
circling the bowl 'til the suction takes you down.
(watching the surveillance on Judith Krasky's apartment)
Bobby Simone: Think she'll get the doc to go?
Andy Sipowicz: Depends is he chatty when his willie's up.
(after Dr. Shennon confessed to killing his wife while having sex with his
mistress)
Andy Sipowicz: Did you and Judith steal that step-over toehold move
from a wrestler called "Strangler" Ed Lewis, or was he before your time?
Dr. Peter Shennon: You think you're funny.
(Sipowicz winces from his back pain)
Dr. Peter Shennon: Back kicking up again, Detective? I’d say it’s a
degenerative disc. Better get used to it.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah? Maybe I can take my mind off it thinking about you
up there in Ossining getting acupuncture up your dirt chute.
(after Bobby "talked" to some kids who beat up 11-year-old Nick Williamson)
Bobby Simone: See, now I don't know if I saved this kid from a
beating or bought him another one.
Andy Sipowicz: Oh, I'm sure they saw the light. They may be on their way
to Scout registration now.
(after interviewing Mr. Bernstein, a shop teacher, about a school shooting)
Bobby Simone: What's the matter?
Andy Sipowicz: Nothin'.
Bobby Simone: You didn't like the way I did that interview?
Andy Sipowicz: You figure this guy told us everything he knew?
Bobby Simone: I figured to come back at him. Let his conscience eat at
him for awhile.
Andy Sipowicz: I don't think his conscience had an appetite. I think he
needed to be pushed.
Bobby Simone: I'll tell you, Andy, I don't like to be second-guessed.
Andy Sipowicz: Then stop readin' my mind. I walked back here mindin' my
own business.
Bobby Simone: You walked back here with a face like you swallowed a turd.
Andy Sipowicz: Did you really want to hear what that teacher had to say?
Bobby Simone: What the hell does that mean? You think I don't want to
clear this case?
Andy Sipowicz: Hey, all I know, I partnered with the greatest social
worker since that nun from Calcutta, but he always made sure the cop part got
done.
Bobby Simone: You listen to me. When my wife died, this kid's mother sat
with her. Now do I hope this kid didn't pull the trigger? Yeah. (pointing his
finger at Andy's chest) But if you think that I'm tryin' to protect him in
any way, you can kiss my French-Portuguese ass.
Andy Sipowicz: You don't want to be pointin' that finger in my chest too
much.
Bobby Simone: Yeah, well, you don't want to be sayin' that I'm not doing
my job.
(Fancy walks to them from his office)
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Hey. Turn it down or take it someplace else.
You know, there's things I've really wanted and I could never have... without
a life like the life we're gonna have. (pause) There's some beautiful
triggerfish I could never mix in with those other kinds, and now I can get
those.
--Andy Sipowicz to Sylvia Costas after his fish died
(walking through a garbage dump)
Andy Sipowicz: Aw, man... What am I stepping in? What, is this a dog
run here?
Bobby Simone: You can hope it was a dog.
Rudy: Am I done?
Andy Sipowicz: No, you're gonna stick around.
Rudy: (winces) My stomach's killing me!
Andy Sipowicz: Well, we'll send you in some Tums.
(bringing in Bobby Ruiz and Sal Medina for questioning)
Andy Sipowicz: We'll discuss what it's about up here.
Bobby Ruiz: If it's about those parking violations, that got paid, okay?
Andy Sipowicz: Just shut up, you'll find out what it's about.
Sal Medina: All's I know is we didn't do nothin', right, Bobby?
Bobby Ruiz: That's right. Be tight and we're right.
Bobby Simone: He told you to be quiet.
Sal Medina: Hey, I know this guy since we were kids.
Bobby Simone: Well, good, so you've talked to each other for a long time.
Now shut up.
Andy Sipowicz: (to Bobby Ruiz) Just cut this nonsense.
Andy Sipowicz: Do you use drugs, Bobby?
Bobby Ruiz: No, no, no, I got nothin' to do with drugs. Y'know, I have to
take care of myself, I'm goin' back to school to take care of myself.
Andy Sipowicz: Wow, those are fine ideals.
Bobby Ruiz: Well, I want to better myself.
Andy Sipowicz: Sure. So after you got done bettering yourself
bangin' that hooker last night, what did you do then?
"Don We Now Our Gay Apparel" (02.09)
Somebody got their merit badge in knot-tying.
--Andy Sipowicz, viewing the bound body of a murder victim
Bobby Simone: We understand you found the victim?
Candace LaRue: How could anybody do a terrible thing like this?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, it's a big world.
Candace LaRue: When I first saw Peter all tied up like that, I'm
thinking, Mapplethorpe, fine. Then I realized he'd been shot, I just started
screaming. Then everybody else came in and they started screaming. It was like a
passion play. And Chaz, ignoring all the blood and vomit, refusing to take death
as an answer, desperately blowing breath into poor Peter's chest...
Lt. Arthur Fancy: (sniffing the air) Is that a new scent?
Donna Abandando: No, that's someone from the gay bar homicide. She's
about to be interviewed. You know, you'd think a person that spent all that
money on her appearance would at least spring for a better perfume.
Candace LaRue: Can I tell you my theory about what happened?
Andy Sipowicz: Sure.
Candace LaRue: Well, I'm a crime buff. Novels, not the real thing, Lord
knows. I think Peter might have met up with a new friend who played with
bondage and discipline.
Andy Sipowicz: Did you see him with anyone?
Candace LaRue: Not specifically, no, but whoever the person was, probably
tied Peter up a little too tight and a little too long. then tried to cover up
an unintended tragedy by making it look like a robbery.
Andy Sipowicz: Okay, Candace. Thanks for your cooperation.
Candace LaRue: Of course, it's also possible that he got mixed up
with some sadistic little leather boy who gets off on this sort of thing.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, well, we'll have to look into all of that.
(on the murdered owner of a gay nightclub)
James Martinez: As far as you know, did [Peter] have any enemies to
your knowledge?
Kyra Jeeter: Besides Jesse Helms, none that I know of.
(interviewing the very underpaid bouncer from the gay nightclub)
Andy Sipowicz: Suppose someone gave you a few dollars to turn that
[security] camera off, or maybe to leave the back door unlocked. There's no way
you're gonna think it's anything more than a robbery.
Bobby Simone: If that's the way it went down, Chaz, get in front of it
now and tell us who hired you.
Andy Sipowicz: Otherwise, it's 25 to life, Chaz, and upstate, you don't
get to pick your boyfriends.
Bobby Simone: You're a business associate of Peter Schelzo's, right?
Mauro Graciale: More with his uncle. I guess technically they both had a
piece of my restaurant, yeah.
Bobby Simone: And you were in default on a loan from them?
Mauro Graciale: I guess technically i was in default.
Bobby Simone: The uncle says he was about to take the place over.
Mauro Graciale: No, we were uhh... trying to work out an arrangement that
was equitable to all parties.
Andy Sipowicz: (annoyed) But pending this equitable arrangement,
technically, you're stiffin' 'em on a loan.
Arnie Gumble: Excuse me? Excuse me, I’m a little confused. I was
wondering how to get to Mott Street.
Adrienne Lesniak: Uhh, Mott Street...
Arnie Gumble: I got turned around in my head somehow.
Adrienne Lesniak: Alright, go straight down to the next light, make a
right, then two blocks and make a left.
Arnie Gumble: I got a map here. Could you point it out to me on that?
(shows her the map)
Adrienne Lesniak: This is a map of Texas!
Arnie Gumble: Well, maybe you could help me find Johnson City...?
(lifts the map and shows her “Johnson City”)
Adrienne Lesniak: You showed me yours, now I’m gonna show you mine.
(pulls her gun) You’re under arrest, you jerk! Zip it up, get out of the
car.
(Bobby runs into a reporter friend while examining a crime scene)
Bobby Simone: How you doing, Benita? They got you rollin' on DOAs
now?
Benita Alden: Well, you're not the only one who got sick of sitting
around City Hall.
(Benita tries to pump Bobby for information)
Bobby Simone: I can't give you any more play than that.
Benita Alden: Mind if I keep trying?
Bobby Simone: Hey, it's a free country.
Benita Alden: How about a ride downtown? You can handcuff me, put me in
the back.
Bobby Simone: Nah, I think that's against regulations.
(after offering Bobby $1 million to kill the serial murderer Webster)
Arnold Rudman: The offer stands. I want the man dead.
(he leaves the squad room)
Andy Sipowicz: Would that be in unmarked bills?
(Lesniak walks into the station house and sees Arnie Gumble standing by the
front desk)
Adrienne Lesniak: What'd he do?
Uniform Officer: Exposed himself on 11th Street. We had three different
calls.
Arnie Gumble: I don't know what comes over me.
Andrienne Lesniak: No D.A.T. for this guy. He was a collar yesterday. I
want him upstairs, I'm gonna bring a D.A. into this.
Arnie Gumble: This thing has a mind of its own.
(the Webster task force prepares to move in on a suspect)
Inspector Aiello: Alright, Solomon, I go in the front with you.
Strull and Dowdell, take the roof. (To Bobby) You and Sipowicz cover the
back alley.
Andy Sipowicz: You sure you don't want us to cover the Port Authority in
case he tries to escape by bus?
Andy Sipowicz: This thing with Haverill and Fancy...
Vinnie Greco: Yeah, I sense a tension between 'em.
Andy Sipowicz: I know about the tape, Vinnie. Haverill trying to screw
the Lieutenant.
Vinnie Greco: Sí.
Andy Sipowicz: That type situation, some people might consider working
both ends, multiply earning opportunities.
Vinnie Greco: Tell me you're not putting your hand out.
Andy Sipowicz: What I'm telling you, Vinnie, is if Fancy comes up short
on this, I'm gonna break all the bones in your hands and feet.
Vinnie Greco: Look, that kind of exaggeration is totally unnecessary,
it's out of proportion.
Andy Sipowicz: Like your hands and feet'll be.
(signing the paperwork to borrow the grenade launcher from the National
Guard)
Major Perkins: You mind my asking what your plans are for the weapon?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, every year we like to rattle their cage down at the
ACLU. This year we're gonna show up at their lobby and let them think we're
gonna incinerate them.
Major Perkins: Liability waiver should cover that.
I don't know about any killings. I don't know about any letters. The only
thing I know about Webster is he's that little black kid on TV.
--George "Webster" Putnam, trying to throw confusion onto his being a notorious
a serial killer