NYPD Blue: Season One
(1993-94)
page two
"Up on the Roof"
"Abandando Abandoned"
"Jumpin' Jack Fleishman"
"A Sudden Fish"
"Steroid Roy"
"Black Men Can Jump"
"Zeppo Marks Brothers"
"Serge the Concierge"
"Good Time Charlie"
"Guns 'n Rosaries"
"Rockin' Robin"
(two uniformed officers bring in a homeless black man draped in a blanket
and wearing a knit cap)
Sergeant Agostini: What have we got?
Officer Martelli: Public lewdness, Sarge.
Buck Naked: It's January and it's shirt-sleeve weather! It's 80 degrees
outside!
Sergeant Agostini: So where's your shirt?
Buck Naked: Where is my shirt? (looks down at his chest and
throws off the blanket) AAAAAAAGH! I'M BUCK NAKED!!!
Officer Martelli: (taking his arm) Oh, come on.
Buck Naked: (while being led away) Hey, all aboard for Coney
Island! Whoo-whoo!
Gina Zarone: If you've got it in your minds that I'm cooperating, then
your minds must be up your asses with the rest of your heads.
Andy Sipowicz: Hey, Gina, you eat with that mouth?
Gina Zarone: That's one of the things I do with it.
(after Jerry, a hitman, is shot in a hostage situation)
Inspector Anthony Lastarza: Son of a bitch.
John Kelly: I guess that's just your way of sayin' "Thank goodness that
hostage is safe," huh?
I love you and your sister. (quietly) And I love mommy, too. It's just
that sometimes mommies and daddies have to get away from each other for awhile.
You know, to-to figure out their-their problems. You know, like Kevin Appley's
mom and dad. (pause) What? Who told you that? (pause) Yeah, well,
you tell Bobby Walden that that's not true, and it's none of his business who
Kevin Appley's mother was intercoursing!
--Greg Medavoy, on the phone with his daughter Jamie after leaving his wife the
day before
"Jumpin' Jack Fleischman" (01.14)
(in a room where a three-day-old dead body was discovered)
Mr. Harmon: Whew! Who's burning coffee grounds here?
Andy Sipowicz: What, you wanna take a whiff in here without 'em? (to
Greg) Hey Medavoy, put out the coffee grounds.
Mr. Harmon: No, wait. I just got a smell.
John Kelly: You have any disturbances in here last week?
Mr. Harmon: Neighbor complained about a ruckus early Saturday morning. I
come down, I knock. Some guy answered through the door, said everything was
okay.
Andy Sipowicz: So you got complaints of a disturbance -- shouting, sounds
of a struggle. Then some strange guy talks to you from behind the door and he
tells you everything is beautiful in here. Then you left to go upstate and never
talked to the tenant.
Mr. Harmon: What do you gotta use that tone of voice for?
Andy Sipowicz: You got a lot of morons in your family? Because that could
be genetic.
(a minute later, after Greg gets Harmon to start working on a list of stolen items)
Andy Sipowicz: You wanna check out that moron thing before you have
any late-in-life children.
Mr. Harmon: (whispering to Greg) What's his problem?
Greg Medavoy: The detective's a little short-tempered. He's in dental
agony, y'know?
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Your jaw looks swollen.
Andy Sipowicz: I think I got an infected tooth.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: You gonna get it looked at?
(Andy shrugs)
John Kelly: That would make too much sense, Lieutenant.
I say the glass is half-full, John. True, you may lose a guy who did five
rape-murders, but hey, here we are to do a relief stint stakin' out some asshole
so burnt out on crack he thinks he's Doris Day.
--Andy Sipowicz to John Kelly after they're reassigned from a stalled
rape-assault case to staking out a junkie wanted for murder
Roy Larson: Janice.
Janice Licalsi: Yeah?
Roy Larson: Listen, don't let anyone tell you that I didn't I.D. myself
to that perp last night, because I did.
Janice Licalsi: No one's saying you didn't, Roy. You can let that go.
Roy Larson: Because I know what went down out there, and I am fine with
it. Okay, and if it was a quesiton of your safety, I would do the same thing
again. It's your ex-boyfriend, y'know, trying to make it look like I screwed up.
Janice Licalsi: Why don't you just drop it now, okay?
Roy Larson: Yeah, well, he better stay off my case if he wants to stay
intact, you know what I mean?
Janice Licalsi: Roy, you're embarrassed because you made a couple of
mistakes today. Don't try to put it on Kelly.
Roy Larson: I put it where it belongs.
Janice Licalsi: Oh, well in that case, put it up your ass.
(discussing Officer Roy Larson)
John Kelly: This guy is on somethin', Andy.
Andy Sipowicz: My vote is speed.
(the locker room door opens, and Roy emerges wearing nothing but a towel in
front of his bits and pieces)
Roy Larson: Hey, Kelly! You wanna sit on a butt like cottage cheese,
be my guest. Meanwhile, I'll be sittin' on this.
(Roy slaps his ass and walks back in the locker room. At the same moment, Lt.
Fancy exits the squad room to be greeted by the sight of Roy's naked ass)
Andy Sipowicz: You gotta admit, Lieutentant... the guy's got a hell of a
muscular ass.
Andy Sipowicz: (mopping his forehead) Boy, I'll tell you, I'm sweatin' up a
storm here.
Sylvia Costas: You're just a little nervous.
Andy Sipowicz: I'll come clean with you, Sylvia. I haven't had sex sober in about
twenty years.
Sylvia Costas: You're not gonna scare me off, Andy.
(just before "hitting the sack")
Andy Sipowicz: You realize that if I don't hold up my end, so to speak, I may
have to kill you.
Sylvia Costas: (chuckling) Somehow it doesn't feel like it's gonna be a
problem.
Judge: You gotten the cold from hell yet, Detective?
Andy Sipowicz: Maybe after we've spent some time together.
(after Sylvia and Andy had an argument about a new fish throwing his tank's
ecology out of whack)
Sylvia Costas: So you made no surprise moves to throw the ecology of Mr.
Ortiz's apartment out of whack?
Judge: Did I miss something?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, me gettin' my balls squeezed.
Andy Sipowicz: Hey, the shower in the men's room locker's on the fritz.
Maintenance Inspector: I got no report on it.
Andy Sipowicz: The pipes are blocked. Guys are bringin' in their own
drain cleaner. Somebody put some chemical reamer in there last night, and a
quart of some incompatible stuff got added this morning. The gas fumes are like
a World War I battlefield.
Maintenance Inspector: Yeah, it sounds bad.
Andy Sipowicz: What?
Maintenance Inspector: I said, "It sounds bad."
Andy Sipowicz: Well does it sound bad enough for you to do something
about it?
Maintenance Inspector: I'm here checking work orders, Detective.
(as Andy gets ready to leave on a case)
Andy Sipowicz: Real nose-to-the-grindstone type, aren't you, pal, huh?
Real problem-solvin' machine. Yeah, press hard on your little work order pad.
Make sure that copy number 27 doesn't come out faint.
John Kelly: Oh, this'll really speed things up.
Andy Sipowicz: You think I'm stallin' progress here, John? These guys
work in multiples of several years.
Maintenance Inspector: Anyways, a plugged shower falls under Custodial
Services.
Andy Sipowicz: You pencil-pushin' hump!
(Andy reviews private investigator Dick Corday's notes on a missing child
investigation bordering on fraud)
Andy Sipowicz: Who's this, uh... who's this Carolyn Case?
Dick Corday: Oh, a woman who has been very successful at finding lost
objects and people.
Andy Sipowicz: And how does she do that?
Dick Corday: She's worked with a lot of police departments.
Andy Sipowicz: Are we talkin' about the type of person that closes her
eyes and, uh, rolls her head around like Whoopi Goldberg sayin' stuff like "I'm
gettin' a vision of water," huh? Are we talking about a psychic here, P.I.
Corday?
Dick Corday: She has also worked with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and
Firearms.
Andy Sipowicz: Is she the one that green-lighted that raid down in
"Wacko," Texas, there? That was near water, wasn't it? I mean, they had a big
tank in their compound.
Sharon LaSalle: Thomas, where you are at, right here, right now, is the
best place you're gonna be in for a long time. You're in a position to help
yourself.
Thomas "C-Dawg" Maddox: You got nice legs. Be all right if I look up your
dress?
Sharon LaSalle: What's your street name?
Thomas "C-Dawg" Maddox: (proudly) C-Dawg.
Sharon LaSalle: (chuckles) Well, C-Dawg, you must be some kind of
moron, because I'm tryin' to help you, and you go and say somethin' to piss me
off.
Thomas "C-Dawg" Maddox: What were you going to say before you got pissed
off?
Sharon LaSalle: You're past your sixteenth birthday now, Thomas. You're
not goin' into Spofford this time. You're goin' to Rikers. You heard about it,
now you're gonna see it. Welcome to the big leagues.
(While Kelly arrests Shabazz Hamilton, Greg comes in from the bedroom with a
.44)
Greg Medavoy: Look what I found in the bedroom.
Shabazz Hamilton: You got a search warrant for that, man?
Greg Medavoy: It was in plain sight!
Shabazz Hamilton: It was under the mattress, man!
John Kelly: Maybe it slipped out.
Andy Sipowicz: You told me two and a half years ago when Jenny
disappeared how much you blamed yourself for sending her to the bank with the
money from the store.
Dominic Bucci: I thought I was such a big man. Everybody in the
neighborhood respected me so much. That would protect her.
Andy Sipowicz: You feel like you might have cost your daughter her life.
Dominic Bucci: Her life, yes.
Andy Sipowicz: And if you could find her, you could correct that mistake.
But it doesn't work that way, Mr. Bucci.
Dominic Bucci: I hate myself. I lie awake at night sometimes doing that,
you know.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, I do know. (sighs) You gotta get on with your
life. Take your time and money and do things for yourself, and for your wife,
for other people... things that make you feel good again. And then if your
daughter does show up, it'll be a blessing. And, if she doesn't, then you're
doin' what you can to live.
Dominic Bucci: Maybe you're right. I don't know.
Andy Sipowicz: Knowing doesn't happen all at once. You have to grow into
it.
(Andy brings in Corday for defrauding the Buccis)
Andy Sipowicz: Okay, let's go, asshole.
Dick Corday: This is as pure a piece of entrapment I've encountered in 23
years as an investigator.
Andy Sipowicz: Shut your mouth.
Dick Corday: Hey, the bust isn't gonna hold up, Sipowicz. You're the one
proposed the bribe.
Andy Sipowicz: I say the bust is gonna hold up, and if it doesn't,
I've lost 'em before, but meanwhile, you're gonna be off the streets and outta
that man's life. Now sit down. (Andy pushes him into a chair)
Dick Corday: Yeah, probably trying to run some game of your own.
Tryin' to eliminate the competition?
Andy Sipowicz: (rolling his chair over) You know how I know that
I'm evolving towards a higher planetary consciousness, Corday, huh? Just like
your psychic friend said, I know I'm gettin' a better planetary tool kit 'cause
I didn't just punch your lights out.
John Kelly: You feel like slammin' a few club sodas?
Andy Sipowicz: Well, I'm off the stuff, but yeah, I could go for some
kind of regional soft drink.
"Zeppo Marks Brothers" (01.18)
Nicky Constantino: Come on, come on, don't push me. I'm goin' into major
back spasms here. Oh, oh! The pain's shooting down my leg now!
Andy Sipowicz: Well, maybe you shouldn't have jumped through that motel
room transom, huh, Nick? That could be hard on the sciatic.
Hey, Nick, didn't you play the Elephant Man in that school play? Let me hear
you say this with your nose all clogged: "I'm not an animal, I'm a human being."
--Andy Sipowicz to Nicky Constantino
Hey, guys, here's a little tip, you know? We try to alternate
the guys who are asleep. We try not to have both cops asleep in a motel room at
the same time. That way, the guy can't vault over your shoulders and out the
transom.
--Andy Sipowicz to the detectives from the D.A.'s office when they come back to
re-collect Nicky Constantino
Uh, he has 48 hours until he has to testify. If we could keep him in custody
until then, that'd be ideal.
--John Kelly to the D.A.'s detectives on slippery witness Nicky Constantino
(on Nicky Constantino’s girlfriend Kimmy, who witnessed his murder, but
doesn’t want to testify about it)
John Kelly: I don't wanna wind up a liar with this girl.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, I like to try and keep a promise to a witness once a year,
just to remember the feeling.
(while arresting Zeppo)
Zeppo Marchansky: Woah, woah, woah, you made a mistake! I got one of
these faces. People think I'm somebody else. Happens all the time.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the same problem. A woman stopped me on the
street the other day. She says, "Bob, I thought you were just marvelous in
The Sting."
(during uniform inspection for parade duty)
Desk Sergeant: Careful where you point that thing while you're out on the
street, Detective.
Andy Sipowicz: What are you talkin' about?
Desk Sergeant: Your uniform. Those buttons poppin' off could be lethal weapons.
Join the police department: stand up to your knees in gooey condoms!
--Greg Medavoy, knee-deep in a landfill
(after getting crapped on by seagulls while searching a landfill)
Greg Medavoy: That's it! That's it! (throws his rake) That's it!
John Kelly: Greg.
James Martinez: Easy, man.
Greg Medavoy: (unbuttoning his jacket) I'm taking these birds out, John!
John Kelly: No, you're not. Do not take that weapon out, Greg.
Greg Medavoy: (pulls out his gun and aims) I've been crapped on three
times in the last 20 minutes!
James Martinez: Woah, woah, woah, woah!
John Kelly: Do not discharge that weapon. Greg, put it away.
Greg Medavoy: Awww... I got a rash!
John Kelly: I hear ya.
Greg Medavoy: (scratching his arm with the gun) I can feel it under my
overalls!
(on finding out that his mistress is trying to extort money from him)
Charlie Lear: Minette? That little bitch. She maneuvered me into
these photographs. That's it. She probably paid the photographer with my own
money. I open up my heart and allow her to make a home there, and what does she
do? She defecates in my broadloom! Well, the scales have fallen
from these eyes of mine. I am gonna put a ten-ton weight on that worthless bag
of gumbo if I ever find her!
John Kelly: Charlie, you're talking like an asshole.
Charlie Lear: Listen to me, John. If I wasn't really rich, I'd be an
asshole!
(after Andy gets the information on a DOA)
John Kelly: That's Minette Coleman?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah. Shooting homicide. White female.
John Kelly: That's Charlie Lear's mistress.
Andy Sipowicz: Your friend that stole that "F" train two years back?
(on their way out the door)
Andy Sipowicz: It's hard to figure your buddy would come in here and talk to you
and then go whack this girl.
John Kelly: I know.
Andy Sipowicz: Of course, he did steal the "F" train.
(Andy and John finish with round one of interviewing Charlie Lear)
John Kelly: Sit down.
Charlie Lear: Come on, John, I've gotta go pick up my Trevor. Poor guy. He's
an alky. I pick him up every week at this time.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah? What, you take him to a meeting or something pious like that?
Charlie Lear: No, I take him to the Harvard Club to get loaded.
(after reading Charlie Lear his rights)
John Kelly: He make his call?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah... to "The Cobra." I think all lawyers should have reptile
nicknames.
Norman Gardner: Is it possible the victim had no weapon?
Andy Sipowicz: Hey, all's we know so far, Norman, is we heard some
reporter called a lowlife asshole turd pimp with the brains of a flea and the
balls of a moth. But we haven't nailed down yet who was bein' referred to.
Norman Gardner: A touch of the poet there, Sipowicz.
(discussing Janice Licalsi)
John Kelly: A friend of mine needs a lawyer.
James Sinclair: Everyone's entitled to an attorney, Detective Kelly. They're
just not entitled to me.
Janice Licalsi: I'm not sure I want you representing me, Mr. Sinclair.
James Sinclair: That is entry-level perception, Miss Licalsi. Once the doors of
a courtroom close, reputations quickly subordinate to the quality of the
practitioner.
James Sinclair: Is there any special reason for you to be in jail right now?
Janice Licalsi: It's where I'm ending up. I thought I might as well get used to
it.
James Sinclair: We're all gonna die. That doesn't mean we've all gotta camp out
in graveyards.