NYPD Blue: Season One
(1993-94)
page one
"Pilot"
"4B Or Not 4B"
"Brown Appetit"
"True Confessions"
"Emission Accomplished"
"Personal Foul"
"NYPD Lou"
"Tempest in a C-Cup"
"Ice Follies"
"Oscar, Meyer, Weiner"
"From Hare to Enternity"
Andy Sipowicz: Hey, Ms. District Attorney, you really prosecuted the crap
out of that one.
Sylvia Costas: I went with the crap that I had, detective.
Andy Sipowicz: Oh, you think that was a hummer bust? You saying I queered
that guy's tire?
Sylvia Costas: I'd say res ipsa loquitur if I thought you knew
what it meant.
Andy Sipowicz: (grabbing his crotch) Hey, ipsa this, you
pissy little bitch!
Mr. Wig says, "Alfonse has to go outside, now!"
--Andy Sipowicz, using Alfonse Giardella's wig like a hand puppet
(just before Giardella shoots Andy)
Alfonse Giardella: Say something smarter than that, Sipowicz. You're
gonna be dead a long time.
Andy Sipowicz: I'd rather be dead than walkin' around with that mop on my
head.
You know, it just seems that no mater how much you feel about someone, you
never really get it squared away. You never really get to understand them the
way you wanted.
--John Kelly, talking to Janice Licalsi about Andy Sipowicz, but really talking
about his ex-wife Laura
(on Kelly's vigalante campaign against the Marino family)
Inspector Anthony Lastarza: You got no straddle here. You rein the
guy in or you don't. You don't, you face the consequences.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Would that include our not having these little visits?
(after Andy comes out of his coma)
John Kelly: How's the drying out going?
Andy Sipowicz: It helps when the first week's unconscious. Now, I go two,
three minutes where booze never crosses my mind.
John Kelly: You want some magazines or something when I come back
tomorrow?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah... something dirty.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: I do have my doubts about you coming back, and I'm
going to give myself time to make up my mind. And while I do, you're on
restricted duty in the station house.
Andy Sipowicz: Great, I can make those paper clip chains.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Andy, I don't know if you should be a cop, but you've
got a lot of guts.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, well, for awhile there, I was wearing them outside
my clothes.
(as Andy struggles down the stairs)
James Martinez: Hey, detective, how you making out?
Andy Sipowicz: I don't know, kid. I can't sit down. I'm trying to figure
out if a soda's worth having my next two birthdays on these stairs.
James Martinez: What kind of soda you want? I'm on my way back down.
Andy Sipowicz: (thinks for a minute) Cherry.
James Martinez: Diet or regular?
Andy Sipowicz: What, are you a smartass?
James Martinez: No!
Andy Sipowicz: Regular.
Judge: We govern by law, not your whim.
John Kelly: Don't tell me how you govern. I work your streets. I clean up
after how you govern. The way you govern stinks.
John Kelly: Andy, stay cool, alright? Fancy wants to make sure you've got
your feet on, that's all.
Andy Sipowicz: Oh, is that so, huh? I'm figuring he's seeing if I can set
a world's record for twiddling my thumbs.
So you got your coat hangers hangin' from your windows, right? Did you string
four hangers per pane? Radio and ultraviolet waves, yeah, yeah. Any attempt
whatsoever to control your mind from beyond your windows, those hangers are
going to neutralize. Right. What about the aluminum foil; did you cover your
ceiling? Well, then, you're in business. You've got yourself an
alien-thought-proof room there, right. Look, one other thing effective with
these control rays is, uh, refuse to think about 'em, yeah. Take a walk, read a
book. We call that the "delusion technique." You fend them off with what you're
thinking, and it gradually weakens their hold. Alright, yeah. Wonderful, yeah...
sure thing, keep in touch.
--Andy Sipowicz on the phone with a mentally unstable caller
(just after Frank Kennedy was brought in on a solicitation charge)
Frank Kennedy: I can't believe I let something like this happen to me.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, well, sometimes we follow our little captains into
battle.
Hey, Walker, we don't have to hold hands, but would you mind not talking to
me like I'm Timmy the Laundry Boy?
--Andy Sipowicz to Detective Walker, trying to get some respect
Detective Walker: This is notice: I'm not taking any crap from your fat
friend.
John Kelly: Why don't you give him a square shot?
Detective Walker: I'll give him the shot he earns. But I'm telling you,
if that drunk screws up my case--
John Kelly: You haven't been paying attention. He hasn't had a drink in
over two months, Walker, so why don't you take your attitude and shove it up
your ass?
Andy Sipowicz: Is this something the whole class can appreciate?
Detective Walker: Kelly... I got a positive ID from one witness. The
guy's name is Coleman, he's got the right priors. I want to pick him up;
Sipowicz thinks he may be too short.
Andy Sipowicz: No, no, let's pick him up. Maybe he was wearing lifts.
(while waiting for Howard Coleman to show up)
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, Bensonhurst, John, this is a likely locale, huh?
The guy lives here, wants to rob a liquor store in downtown Manhattan, all he's
got to do is make like what, nine, ten subway transfers?
John Kelly: Well, maybe he had business downtown, and came back and did
the store then.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, right. Maybe his doctor's down on James Street, huh?
The one that gives him his hormone injections that pump him up to 6'3" when he's
about to pull a job, and then shrink him down to his normal 5'9" right
afterward.
"Emission Accomplished" (01.05)
John Kelly: We got to talk to Stillwell. He's taking lunch orders [for
the prisoners] again.
Andy Sipowicz: Excuse me, Kelly? We don't gotta do anything. I've
filled my quota of buzzers, dribble glasses and fart pillows.
(at lunch while Stillwell hangs out in the restaurant kitchen)
Andy Sipowicz: What are you trying to prove here, John? You're not
going to raise this guy over again.
John Kelly: You don't think his stuff is starting to get weirder?
Andy Sipowicz: If Stillwell wants to be a practical joker, lose his
paycheck gambling every week, that's why they fought the Revolutionary War.
(on a DOA who fell through a sabotaged stair railing)
John Kelly: You think the old man could have had a heart attack or a
stroke?
EMS Technician: Sure. Before or after he fell thorugh the railing?
(Kelly finishes his shower in the squad locker room)
John Kelly: Look at this... I'm ankle-deep in water over here!
Andy Sipowicz: It's full of hair... I keep telling you, somebody's hair
keeps clogging up the drain.
John Kelly: You know, well, I guess that rules you out as a
suspect.
Lou the Werewolf: I need to see Detective Kelly.
Desk Sergeant: He's busy right now, Lou. You need to take a seat over
there.
Lou the Werewolf: Can you cuff me to the bench?
Desk Sergeant: The C.O. doesn't want anyone unnecessarily restrained in
public areas.
Lou the Werewolf: Unnecessarily?
Desk Sergeant: I don't wanna hear it, Lou.
Lou the Werewolf: And you don't wanna see it either. I'm telling you! You
wanna see a werewolf in a blood rage?
Andy Sipowicz: Bellevue Hospital has got a whole wing of padded kennels,
Lou. You oughta give them a howl. They'll lock you down tonight.
Lou the Werewolf: You think I'm crazy? I'm not crazy! I'm a werewolf!
Andy Sipowicz: But you could be a crazy werewolf, Lou. I mean, I hear a
lot of them are nuts. You ought to have it checked out.
Man, uh, I don't wanna be judgmental, but if you've got the missile, she's
got the silo. Kevin says she screws the head off and goes to work on the wires.
--Mr. Stipley describing Patty Constance, Andy Jr.'s supposed bride-to-be
Lou the Werewolf: Why can't I make you understand? Why can't I make him understand???
Desk Sergeant: I understand, Lou. You did it. Jimmy Hoffa, Malcolm X,
Sonny Corleone. You're guilty. You did it all. But I still don't got no room!
(on using Lou the Werewolf as a possible trial witness)
Sylvia Costas: Normally, I would be very happy with the package, but in this
instance, I am a little concerned.
John Kelly: In the area of...?
Sylvia Costas: Does it need saying, Detective Kelly? My chief witness thinks
that he is a furry carnivore.
John Kelly: Let me tell you something about Lou. He has his ways, but down
deep...
Sylvia Sylvia: ...he's a stand-up wolf.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Isn't that the guy we like on the Hernandez shooting?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, Luis Hernandez, the illustrated man.
Andy Sipowicz: What about the topless bar undercover, Lieutenant?
Lt. Arthur Fancy: I thought I'd reassign it.
Andy Sipowicz: Well, uh, you think that's necessary? Kelly's gonna work
interrogation with Conklin and Roberts. He's gonna be schoolin' Martinez. I'd
just be like a fifth wheel.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: So you'd prefer to stay on the topless assignment?
Andy Sipowicz: Well, I think that's the most bang for our law enforcement buck,
manpower-wise.
Lt. Arthur Fancy: Take Medavoy.
Andy Sipowicz: (mildly disappointed) Yes sir.
Andy Sipowicz: We go in, we patronize, we see if the girls are offering anything
that isn't on the menu, huh? Kinda like a busman's holiday for me. (chuckles)
Objective's to squeeze the owner, who's laundering money for Tony Rago.
Greg Medavoy: Yeah, uh, listen, uh, uh, uh, Andy.
Andy Sipowicz: Yes, Medavoy. You will be seein' naked broads. You gonna have a
problem with that?
An A-plus in the tit department, Monique.
--Andy Sipowicz to a stripper at a topless bar before he arrests her
Monique: I hate what I'm doing. I hate this. I want to stop.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, well, my experience is, the feeling will pass as soon as you
make bail.
Detective Medavoy has taken a vow of silence until they sort out this mess in
Bosnia, huh?
--Andy Sipowicz to Donna Abondando on why Greg is tongue-tied when they're
introduced
John Kelly: What's on your mind, James?
James Martinez: I wanted to ask you, when you sent me outside, you gave me your
gun and so forth, uh... I wanted to ask you what happened in there, why the guy
gave it up.
John Kelly: You mean, did I beat it out of him?
James Martinez: Yeah, if that's why he confessed.
John Kelly: I didn't beat him.
James Martinez: Then why'd he give it up?
John Kelly: Because he's guilty, and he knew I was willing to beat it out of
him to get the truth.
James Martinez: So if it came to it, you would have beaten him?
John Kelly: Let me put it to you like this. I never raise my hand to a guy if
I think he's guilty or if I'm trying to find out if he's guilty. But if I'm sure
he's guilty and the case is gonna walk unless I raise my hand, I do what
I gotta do.
James Martinez: Even though you're breakin' the law?
John Kelly: Okay, you're askin' me if I believe in the Constitution. Yes, I
believe in the Constitution, and I hang on to that as long as I can. But in the
case of a murderer like this, who's gonna walk, I leave my gun and my jewelry
outside, along with the Constitution.
James Martinez: And if you're wrong about this guy?
John Kelly: Well, then God forgive me. (pause) If you... if you want, I
can make somethin' up prettier than that, James. But that's the way it is.
James Martinez: Okay.
(on the phone with a looney caller)
Donna Abandando: Yes, I got it all. An evil energy threatening the
galaxy. Right. Also threatening you personally with a laser death squad. I got
it. Nevermi-- (short pause) I'm not impatient. It's just, we're really
busy here with crimes on planet Earth. Okay. Thanks for your phone call. (to
Andy) A nut case.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, I gathered.
Donna Abandando: All part of my job.
(at Medavoy's birthday lunch)
Mike Roberts: How did you handle the big four-oh, Andy?
Andy Sipowicz: Well, as far as I can remember, I dedicated that year to
Seagram's 7.
(while ice skating)
Greg Medavoy: You remind me of Peggy Fleming.
Donna Abandando: Really? I always wanted to be her.
Greg Medavoy: I bet she'd want to be you.
Janice Licalsi: I'm glad he's dead... Angelo Marino and his driver. I
mean, they choose their work, these people, and whatever happens to them, I can
live with that. I can live with that.
Inspector Anthony Lastarza: Officer Licalsi--
Janice Licalsi: I knew the son of a bitch personally -- Marino. You ever
meet him or hear his voice on tape, maybe?
Inspector Anthony Lastarza: You're implying you had communications with
Angelo Marino prior to his death?
Janice Licalsi: Uh, prior to his death, yeah. Nothing since.
(talking to the same guy from before over the phone)
Donna Abandando: Yes, I remember you. I'm glad you called back. My
superiors authorized me to release some classified information to you. This is
on a top-secret basis. They want me to let you know the gravity shelf is in
remission. The laser death team got recalled. (pause) Well, if the death
team disobeys orders from shelf headquarters...
Andy Sipowicz: (whispering) Aluminum foil.
Donna Abandando: In the small event that occurs, just crumple two pieces
of aluminum foil and stuff them in your undershorts. It defeats their sensor
rays. (pause) Definitely. This could collapse the empire of the gravity
shelf. Yes, these are great days. Okay. Goodbye.
Andy Sipowicz: (applauding) You saved the galaxy.
Mike Roberts: (to Andy) Hey, detective, as an experienced police
officer, have you noted the absence of the wedding ring on Medavoy's left hand?
Greg Medavoy: Yeah-yeah, that's right, but it-it's not what it looks
like.
Mike Roberts: Plus note: He seems to be showing guilty confusion over
there.
Greg Medavoy: Hey, Roberts, it's not what it looks like. I lost the ring
this morning down the sink.
Mike Roberts: Sure, Medavoy.
Andy Sipowicz: Hey, Roberts. You're an experienced police officer. When
did you notice the ring missing from Medavoy's finger?
Mike Roberts: It's missing right now.
Greg Medavoy: Hey, Andy, it's not what it looks like!
Andy Sipowicz: So Medavoy's ring wasn't off his finger yesterday when he
was supposedly trying to get over on Miss Abandando, who you told me was more
likely to be going out with Martina Navratilova anyways? Huh? Hmph. We wouldn't
be talking sour grapes here, now would we, Roberts? Huh, because Miss Abandando
told you to slap your hockey puck up your ass and take a hike?
Mike Roberts: (throwing down seven bucks) I'm only putting in half
for the coffee. I'm gonna be gone two weeks next month. Screw you, Andy.
"Oscar, Meyer, Weiner" (01.10)
Hey, did you know that New York City tap water tastes better than bottled
water? That's not me saying that. That's independent testing.
--Andy Sipowicz over the phone to a water delivery guy
Arland Rickman: The man who robbed me was just under six feet tall, 160
pounds, peaches and cream complexion and tousled, strawberry-blonde hair. No
scars or distinguishing makrs on his face or arms, but he does have a
pierced scrotum. He, uh, wears a little gold ball there.
Andy Sipowicz: You got a good look?
Arland Rickman: Oh, yes. From all angles.
(on a case Andy's been working more or less solo while Kelly keeps tabs on
Licalsi)
John Kelly: I'll start pulling my weight on this, all right?
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah. That's why I asked you. I keep very close tabs, you know? I
figure I carry you for another three or four years, you're gonna start owing me.
(on the value of a stolen Oscar)
Sammy Meyer: I've heard rumblings. Very preliminary. A colleague
didn't have the item yet, but he'd been approached. He wanted to know a ballpark
worth.
Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, what would that be?
Sammy Meyer: Twenty-five.
Andy Sipowicz: Thousand?
Sammy Meyer: You think that's inflated? When a matchbook John Lennon
wrote "screw you" on brings in fifteen?
(entering the wrong apartment)
Andy Sipowicz: Police!
Rajib: (from the bathroom) Be with you right away.
Andy Sipowicz: Police! You come out with your hands on top of your head!
Rajib: Please, I'm completing my business.
(Andy opens the bathroom door and is surprised to find an older Indian man on
the john)
Andy Sipowicz: You Coleman?
Rajib: Rajib!
Andy Sipowicz: (sniffing the air) Oh, man. What have you been eating? Some
kind of wild game?
"From Hare to Eternity" (01.11)
Andy Sipowicz: Hey Medavoy, how come I gotta be Santa Claus?
Greg Medavoy: Well, uh, Stillwell psychoed out and Walker's got jaundice. No
offense, but you're the fattest guy in the squad.
Andy Sipowicz: That hypocrite bastard Haverill knows Fancy's doin' the job. He
just wants to move his own man in there. Probably that ass-kisser Murphy.
John Kelly: How come he's got such a big smile for you?
Andy Sipowicz: Who knows? Screw him anyway.
John Kelly: You think he likes your sunny disposition.
Andy Sipowicz: You got a problem with my disposition?