Movie Quotes (film titles A-M)

main | A-M | N-Z

No matter where you go, there you are.
--The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension

Deep Throat: What's the topic for tonight?
Bob Woodward: Rat-fucking.
Deep Throat: In my day, it was simply known as the "double-cross." In our present context, it means infiltration of the Democrats.
--All the President's Men

Lewis Rothschild: Who're we calling, sir?
Andrew Shepherd: I'm calling the Organization of the United Brotherhood of It's None of Your Damn Business, Lewis.  I'll be with you in a second.
--The American President

Andrew Shepherd: You're attracted to me, but the idea of physical intimacy is uncomfortable because you only know me as the President.  But it's not always going to be that way, and the reason I know that is there was a moment last night when you were with me, not the President.  And I know that was a big step for you.  So Sidney, I'm in no rush.  Here's my plan.  We're going to slow down, and when you're comfortable, that's when it's going to happen.

(she emerges from the bathroom wearing nothing but one of his shirts)

Andrew Shepherd: Perhaps I didn't properly explain the fundamentals of the slow-down plan.
Sydney Ellen Wade: (feeling the bed) No, you explained it great.
Andrew Shepherd: Are you nervous?
Sydney Ellen Wade: No.
Andrew Shepherd: Good.  My nervousness exists on... several levels.  Number one, and this is in no particular order, I haven't done this in a pretty long time.  Number two, uh, any expectations that you might have, given the fact that I'm... you know...
Sydney Ellen Wade: The most powerful man in the world?
Andrew Shepherd: Exactly, thank you.  I think it's important you remember that's a political distinction; it comes with the office.  I mean, if, uh, Eisenhower were here instead of me, he'd be dead by now.
--The American President

(watching his opponent's campaign ad on TV)

Andrew Shepherd: Wait, wait, here comes my favorite part.
Bob Rumson: My name is Bob Rumson, and I'm running for President!
Andrew Shepherd: Sure glad he cleared that up, 'cause those people were about to buy some Amway products.
--The American President

(as the staff tries to smuggle Sydney out of the White House past the press corps)

Lewis Rothschild: Can I just state very clearly that I can't be part of anything illegal?
A.J. MacInerney: Good for you, Lewis.
Lewis Rothschild: You can say what you want.  It's always the guy in my job that ends up doing 18 months in Danbury minimum security prision.
--The American President

Lewis Rothschild: People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand.
Andrew Shepherd: Lewis, we've had presidents who were beloved who couldn't find a coherent sentence with two hands and a flashlight. People don't drink the sand because they're thirsty. They drink the sand because they don't know the difference.
--The American President

Male Interviewer: (to Eddie and Gwen) You two look very comfortable together.
Eddie Thomas: I'll be honest. Before I came down from the room, I took about half a pound of Vicodin, so I'll be comfortable 'til late March.
Female Interviewer: You're funny. (to Gwen) How do you live with him?
Eddie Thomas: She doesn't! She lives with someone else!
--America's Sweethearts

Colonel Kurtz: Are you an assassin?
Captain Willard: I'm a soldier.
Colonel Kurtz: You're neither.  You're an errand boy sent by grocery clerks to collect the bill.
--Apocalypse Now

Austin Powers: Only two things scare me, and one is nuclear war.
Basil Exposition: What's the other?
Austin Powers: Excuse me?
Basil Exposition: What's the other thing that scares you?
Austin Powers: Carneys.
Basil Exposition: What?
Austin Powers: Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Small hands... smell like cabbage.
--Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Vanessa Kensington: You know, I sometimes forget that you’ve missed out on the last thirty years: fall of the Berlin Wall… first female British prime minister… the end of apartheid…
Austin Powers: Yeah, and I never would have guessed Liberace was gay. Women loved him! I didn’t see that one coming!
--Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential.
Therapist: On no, please, please, let's hear about your childhood.
Dr. Evil: Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds... pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I recieved my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian woman named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking. I suggest you try it.
Therapist: You know, we have to stop.
--Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Jerry Springer: Don't you have any secrets?
Dr. Evil: Okay. I have a vestigial tail. It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot -- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught en flagrance delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song-and-dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth, and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part, I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle "Piss" and my right testicle "Vinegar." I wrote "It's Raining Men," or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonz while I was in a coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven’t done that?
--Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (cut from second draft of the script)

There are only two things I hate: those who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.
--Nigel Powers; Austin Powers in Goldmember

Ah, well, I attended Julliard. I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague, and had a pretty good time during that. And I've seen The Exorcist about a hundred sixty-seven times, and it keeps getting funnier EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT!
--Betelgeuse, describing his qualifications; Beetlejuice

Bridget Jones: He's just a big knobhead with no knob... (sees Daniel standing over her desk) ...is some people's opinion of Kafka, but they couldn't be more wrong. This book is a searing vision of the wounds our century has inflicted on traditional masculinity. It's positively Vonnegut-esqe. Thank you for calling, Professor Leavis. (hangs up phone)
Daniel Cleaver: (hands over sheet of paper) Guest list for launch party.
Bridget Jones: Ah.
Daniel Cleaver: (walking away) Was that... F.R. Leavis?
Bridget Jones: (smiling) Mm-hmm.
Daniel Cleaver: Wow. Huh. The F.R. Leavis who wrote Mass Civilization and Minority Culture?
Bridget Jones: Mm-hmm.
Daniel Cleaver: The F.R. Leavis who died in 1978?
(Bridget frowns, and the word Fuuuuuuuuuuuck! appears across the screen)
Daniel Cleaver: Amazing.
--Bridget Jones' Diary

Bridget Jones: Ohh, Daniel?
Daniel Cleaver: Yeah?
Bridget Jones: What happens at the office?
Daniel Cleaver: Oh. Well, I'm glad you asked that. You see, it's a publishing house. So that means that people write things for us, and then we print out all the pages, and fasten them together and make them into what we call a book, Jones.
--Bridget Jones' Diary

TVC News Executive: What do you think of the El Niño phenomenon?
Bridget Jones: Um... it's a blip. I think, basically, Latin music is on its way out.
--Bridget Jones' Diary

Burke Bennett: You're gonna be so rich, you'll be pissin' on hundred dollar bills just to see the look on Franklin's face!
Sheldon Mopes: I don't think I could do that.  I have much too much respect for the things that man has accomplished.
--Death to Smoochy

(after Smoochy saves face by claiming Rainbow Randolph's penis-shaped cookie is a rocketship)

What are you, blind?  It's a cock!  It's not a rocket, you sick fuck!  It's a cock!  Look.  It's a cock and balls!  A dick!  Chorizo and the huevos!  It's a big stiffy!  It's a penis!  Penis maximus!  A willie!  A weenie!  Mr. Jingle Daddy!  The one-eyed wonder weasel!  Don't you see that?  It's Jimmy and the twins!  Rumple Foreskin!  He made this!  It's made from dil-dough!!
--Rainbow Randolph; Death to Smoochy

I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion, and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
--General Jack D. Ripper; Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Gentlemen! You can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
--President Merkin Muffley; Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Group Captain Lionel Mandrake: Colonel, I must know what you think has been going on here!
Colonel "Bat" Guano: You wanna know what I think? I think you're some kind of deviated prevert. I think General Ripper found out about your preversion, and that you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now move!
--Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Lt. Jonathan Kendrick: I have two books by my bedside, Lieutenant: the Marine Corps Code of Conduct, and the King James Bible. The only authorities I am aware of are Colonel Nathan R. Jessup and the Lord our God.
Lt. Daniel Kaffee: At your request, Lieutenant Kendrick, I can have the record reflect your lack of acknowledgement of this court as a proper authority.
--A Few Good Men

People will come, Ray. They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up your driveway, not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at your door, innocent as children, longing for the past.
--Terrence Mann; Field of Dreams

The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and that could be again. Oh people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come.
--Terrence Mann; Field of Dreams

Adrian Cronauer: Remember the people who brought you Korea? That's right, the U.S. Army. If it's being done correctly here or abroad, it's probably not being done by the Army.
"Gomer Pyle" voice: I heard that!
Adrian Cronauer: Oh-ho, you're here!
"Gomer Pyle" voice: I'm here to make sure you don't say anything contra-vershal.
Adrian Cronauer: Speaking of things controversial, is it true that there's a marijuana problem here in Vietnam?
"Gomer Pyle" voice: No, it's not a problem, everybody has it...
--Good Morning, Vietnam

(after arriving at the Happiness Hotel)
Pops: Hey, how are you guys fixin' to pay?
Kermit the Frog: What are our choices?
Pops: A, credit card; B, cash; C, sneak out in the middle of the night.
Fozzie Bear: We'll take C.
Pops: Very popular choice!
--The Great Muppet Caper

If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
--Frederick; Hannah and Her Sisters

A pity they let the old punishments die. Was a time detention found you hanging by your thumbs in the dungeons. God, I miss the screaming...
--Filch; Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

(Tensy tries to give "Ulga" another kiss)
Max "Ulga Yevanova" Conners: Oh, no, no... we mustn't. God is everywhere.
William B. Tensy: Yes he is, isn't he? Nosy bastard.
--Heartbreakers

Sgt. Garfield: Are you a faggot, Nash?
Connor MacLeod: Why? You cruising for a piece of ass?
--Highlander

Central Intelligence Agency... now there's a contradiction in terms!
--Commander Bart Mancuso; The Hunt for Red October

(in the baggage car, after Claire blows her cover to a disguised Ethan Hunt, and Jim Phelps reveals himself)

Claire: You knew about Jim?
Jim Phelps: Of course.  Just exactly when he knew is something of a question.  Mind telling me, Ethan?  Before or after I showed up in London?
Ethan Hunt: Before London.  But after you took the Bible from the Drake Hotel in Chicago.
Jim Phelps: They stamped it, didn't they?  Those damned Gideons.
--Mission: Impossible

If it's the truth you want, then what are you doing in the Senate?
--Mr. Smith Goes to Washington