Quotes from Love Actually

Karen: So what's this big news?
Daisy: We've been given our parts in the nativity play. [Karen gasps] And I'm the lobster.
Karen: The lobster?
Daisy: Yeah.
Karen: In the nativity play?
Daisy: Yeah. First lobster.
Karen: There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
Daisy: Duh.

Peter: No surprises?
Mark: No surprises.
Peter: Not like the stag night?
Mark: Unlike the stag night.
Peter: Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake?
Mark: I do.
Peter: And it would have been much better if they'd not turned out to be men?
Mark: That is true.

Jamie: Hello, what the hell are you doing here?
Jamie's brother: Oh, I just, uh, popped over to borrow some old CDs.
Jamie: The lady of the house let you in, did she?
Jamie's brother: Uh, yeah.
Jamie: Lovely, obliging girl.
Jamie's brother: Yeah.
Jamie: No, I just thought I'd pop back before the reception, see if she's better. (holding a CD) This is good.
Jamie's brother: Oh.
Jamie: Listen, um, I've been thinking. I think perhaps we ought to take Mum out for her birthday on Friday. What do you think? I just feel we've been bad sons this year.
Jamie's brother: Sounds fine. A bit, you know, boring, but fine.
Jamie's girlfriend: (calling down from the bedroom) Hurry up, big boy! I'm naked, and I want you at least twice before Jamie gets home!

Billy Mack: Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.
Mike the DJ: Uh, best shag you ever had?
Billy Mack: Britney Spears.
Mike the DJ: Wow.
Billy Mack: No, only kidding. (laughs) She was rubbish.

Oh, Mikey, you know as well as I do the record's crap. (laughs) But wouldn't it be great if number one this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager, but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? All those young popsters, come Christmas Day, they'll be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancin' on their balls. And I'll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager, Joe, ugliest man in the world. Fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn't pay off. So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.
--Billy Mack in his radio interview

Who do you have to screw around here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?

(Natalie comes in backwards with the tea cart)

Right.
--David (the Prime Minister) during his first cabinet meeting

Harry: Right. The Christmas party. Not my favorite night of the year, and your unhappy job to organize.
Mia: Tell me.
Harry: Well, it's basic, really. Find a venue, over order on the drinks, bulk buy the guacamole, and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts un-fondled.

Natalie: He said no one's gonna fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks. Not a nice guy actually, in the end.
David: You know, um, being prime minister, I could just have him murdered.
Natalie: (chuckles) Thank you, sir. I'll think about it.
David: Do. The S.A.S. are absolutely charming. Ruthless trained killers are just a phone call away.

You have this kind of problem?

(looks at portrait of Margaret Thatcher on the wall)

Of course you did, you saucy little minx.
--David

Hiya kids. Here's an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs.... Become a pop star, and they give you them for free.
--Billy Mack

Harry: What is this we're listening to?
Karen: Joni Mitchell.
Harry: I can't believe you still listen to Joni Mitchell.
Karen: I love her, and true love lasts a lifetime. Joni Mitchell is the woman who taught your cold English wife how to feel.
Harry: Did she? Oh, well that's good. I must write to her sometime and say thanks.

Aurelia: (in Portuguese) Fuck, it's cold!
Jamie: Fuck! It's freezing! Fuck!
Aurelia: (in Portuguese) This stuff better be good.
Jamie: It's not worth it you know, this isn't bloody Shakespeare.
Aurelia: (in Portuguese) I don't want to drown saving some shit my grandmother could have written.
Jamie: Just stop, stop.
Aurelia: (in Portuguese) What kind of idiot doesn't make copies?
Jamie: I really must do copies. (beat) You know, there'd better not be eels in here. I can't stand eels.
Aurelia: (in Portuguese) Try not to disturb the eels.
Jamie: (screams in shock when he rubs against an eel) Oh God, what the hell is that?

Tony: You'll come back a broken man.
Colin: Yeah. Back-broken, from too much sex.
Tony: You are on the road to disaster.
Colin: No, I am on shag highway, heading west.

Mia: You're not who I think you are, are you?
David: Yes, I'm afraid I am, and I'm sorry about all the cock-ups. Not my fault. My cabinet are absolute crap. We hope to do better next year. Merry Christmas to you.

Aurelia: Jamie's friends are so good looking. He never tells me this. I think maybe now I have made the wrong choice, picked the wrong Englishman?
Jamie: She can't speak English properly. She doesn't know what she's saying.

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