For all of you who missed the urgent press bulletins on Monday, Dan Quayle has dropped out of the 2000 race for the Republican presidential nomination.

That's right, the same Dan Quayle who was vice president under George Bush. The same Dan Quayle who created a national stink over a fictitious TV character deciding to have a child out of wedlock (as opposed to having an abortion). The same Dan Quayle who made educators from one coast to another in this great land of ours cringe at his spelling ability. That very same man has dropped out of the presidential race, and let me clue you in, folks: it only goes downhill from here!

Dan Quayle was one of the last few glimmers of hope in what has so far proven to be one of the least exciting campaigns since... well, since the creation of the United States in 1776! That's right, it becomes more and more certain that the 2000 election will be a face-off between Vice President Al Gore (who still hasn't received credit for being Brent Spiner's stunt double on Star Trek: The Next Generation) and Texas Governor George W. Bush (who doesn't [snort] understand why everyone's making such a big deal over the drug issue).

Just think how much fun we could have had with Quayle. Without the ex-veep in the race, there won't be a continuation of his infamous collection of public gaffes, misstatements, and just plain stupid quotes. Dave Letterman and Jay Leno are already in mourning.

Many of us don't realize it (because we weren't paying attention to politics back then), but Quayle was the buoyant force which carried America through the dark, dull, early years of the Bush Administration. While Bush was overseas trying to squash the Commies once and for all, Dan was back here on the homefront to keep us entertained.

After all, we needed someone to remind us after the 1989 San Francisco earthquake that "the loss of human life will be irreplaceable." Even then, Quayle had the makings of an elder statesman written all over him. Of course, it was written in invisible ink, and spelled quite poorly, so it doesn't really count.

During the 1988 presidential campaign, Quayle distinguished himself as a master tactician, with a firm grasp on demographics. In one interview, he mentioned that the Bush campaign had three important areas to focus on when they campaigned in Pennsylvania: the eastern part, and the western part.

And even with all the big important duties that his job as vice president carried, Quayle managed to take time out of his busy schedule to support worthy causes like education. Indeed, when addressing the United Negro College Fund at an important banquet, he told the audience, "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful." Truer words were never spoken.

We shall miss you, Dan Quayle. Perhaps someday, somewhere, some late-night talk show host will be able to forget that you couldn't spell "potato". But until then, I'll join the rest of those late-night pranksters, and have a good laugh while I still can. After all, the election is just around the corner, and I'm going to be bored to tears.

© 1999, The College Reporter. Reprinted with permission.