How's Jonathan?

Someone asked me this question a bit earlier today, and its funny cause I've kinda been asking me the same thing. Honestly, who asks themselves how they're feeling? Well, I'm just not so sure. I mean, I'm pretty sure I know how other people think I'm feeling. I mean, its easy to rock the positive mental attitude and smile all the time. Especially when nearly all of the time I mean it. At least I think I do. Sometimes I wonder if I've just been thinking positive for so long, I just ignore the negative. Does that mean the negative is gone? I doubt it.
I go out alot now and have a blast. I've made new friends and new relationships, but I did lose a best friend and a very strong relationship. Does that mean I have regret? Ab-so-lutely not. I did what I did, and while I cannot explain it most of the time, I know it was right and was for the best for everyone at that time. I know we're both having more fun now. Its funny how people will tell you "you're too young to settle down," and while you're in the relationship you say, "piss off mom, what do you know!" (applies to more than mom). But then, once you're out of it (at least now that I'm out) I see what they mean. This age is a time to go out and have fun. Or maybe that age happened a couple years ago and I was in a relationship at the time. But the phase has to happen. What phase? I haven't quite given it a name, but I think its the "go out, have fun, meet many people, and drink enough booze to sedate an elephant." I think that phase is an important part of growing up. Some people can do that while in a serious relationship, but I have yet to meet them. More and more I realize this phase is an important life lesson...although sometimes I wonder exactly what I'm being taught.
So right now I go out like the boozehound I am. Usually, I think its a little excessive. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just trying to keep myself busy so I don't think about things. Like if all this is just a front because I don't want to say/feel what I really should. But ultimately I realize its a great time, and when I feel its time to "settle down" I will.
But I digress. How am I? Like I said, I can't be sure. Am I happier now than I was in August? I don't know. I think I've just become so used to rolling with the punches and looking on the bright side that every time of my life is the happiest time of my life. That works, right? The choice I made wasn't just for happiness anyway. There's a part of me that feels I have more growing to do on my own. I felt like I was growing to be dependant when I should have been growing to be strong and confident. Not that its bad to be dependant on the person you love, but I think its better to be your own person first, then when the two come together its just that much better.
And I digressed again, but if you read this blog with any sort of frequency, that should come as no surprise. So its hard to say exactly how I feel without making it seem like I'm just wearing the happy face. When I'm out with friends and family, that's when you'll find me happiest, I can't help but let the grinnin' idiot in me shine through.
I think its the time alone with my thoughts that I start to figure out how I'm doing. The journal helps clear my head. And times like this when I type away at the blog. I try to weigh my emotions. There's the bad: the sadness, the lonliness, the aggravation, the worry, the laziness, the fear. There's also the good: the hope, the laughter, the caring, the goals, the inspiration, the drive, the determination, the love, the friendship. Then there's the ones that fall in the grey area like gassiness and hungriness and "goddamn revolutions blew...but maybe it didn't" yeah, confusion.
But when i sit back with my engineering tendency to quantify and weigh them all I have to say that the summation of me is good. But I think that's always been the case and always will be the case. And if not there's always hard-core boozin :)

posted at 5:27 PM