There's Something About Mary (1998)
      
Directed by Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly
      
Screenplay by Ed Decter & John J. Strauss 
and Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly 
      
Story by Ed Decter & John J. Strauss

(FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY)
   
FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT
OCTOBER 21, 1997
   
Cameron Diaz .................... Mary Jensen Matthews
Matt Dillon ................................ Pat Healy
Ben Stiller ........................... Ted Stroehmann
Lee Evans ....................... Tucker/Norman Phipps
Chris Elliott  ........................ Dom Woganowski
Lin Shaye ...................................... Magda
Jeffrey Tambor ................................. Sully
Markie Post ............................... Mary's Mom
Keith David  .............................. Mary's Dad
W. Earl Brown ................................. Warren
Sarah Silverman ............................... Brenda
Khandi Alexander .............................. Joanie
Marnie Alexenburg ............................... Lisa
Danny Murphy ........................... Boss' Brother
Richard Tyson ....................... Detective Krevoy
Rob Moran .......................... Detective Stabler


     FADE IN:

 1   EXT. CUMBERLAND, RHODE ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING            1   

     It's the early 1980's and everyone is arriving at school. We 
     push through the parking lot crowd to a nervous, lanky kid, 
     TED PELOQUIN.

                           MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
               When I was sixteen years old I fell 
               in love...

     CLOSE ON - RENISE, a tough girl with stringy brown hair and 
     a shiny forehead, as she turns toward the camera.

                           TED
               Hey, Renise.

     She barely looks at him as he approaches, just drags on her 
     smoke.

                           RENISE
               Hey.

                           TED
               So what's up?

                           RENISE
               Eh.

                           TED
               Great. Great.
                    (beat)
               So listen, uh, I was wondering if 
               maybe you wanted to go to the prom 
               you know, with me.

     Renise looks unenthused.

                           TED (CONT'D)
               It's no big deal, whatever I mean, 
               if you want.

                           RENISE
               See, the thing is, I heard a rumor 
               that this guy I like was gonna ask 
               me.

                           TED
               Uh-huh.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                 p. 2
     12-16-01                                                    


                           RENISE
               Yeah, so...I'm gonna wait and see 
               what happens there...But that sounds 
               great, yeah.

     Ted nods, confused.

                           TED
               Okay.
                    (beat)
               So is that a yes or a no?

                           RENISE
               I think I was very clear, Ted. If 
               everything else falls apart, maybe.

     Renise throws down her butt and storms off.

                           TED
               I'm gonna hold you to that.

                                                          CUT TO:

 2   EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT                    2   

     ANGLE ON - a pretty girl, MARY, climbing off a ten-speed in 
     the school parking lot. She's athletic and tanned and doesn't 
     have a bad bone in her body.

                           MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
               Her name was Mary. She'd moved to 
               our little Rhode Island town from 
               Minnesota two years earlier.

     She locks up the bike and starts walking toward the school.

                           MAN'S VOICE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
               Mary was very smart, and very cool, 
               and she had a faceful of eyes that 
               promised you a better life if you 
               could only know her.

     As she approaches the camera, we PAN to see Ted watching 
     her. He's sitting on a picnic table with two FRIENDS.

                           FRIEND #1
               Hey, dirtbud, who you going to the 
               prom with?

     Finally Ted takes his eyes off Mary.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                 p. 3
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TED
               Ah, I don't know if I'm even gonna. 
               You know, not my style.

                           FRIEND #2
               You have a style?

                           FRIEND #1
               Why don't you be a gentleman and ask 
               Rosey?

                           TED
                    (perks up)
               Who?

     Friend #1 makes a jerk-off motion.

                           FRIEND #1
               Rosey Palm, your girlfriend. God 
               knows you spend enough fucking time 
               with her.

     The guys LAUGH.

                           TED
                    (out of ammo but 
                    doesn't know it)
               Yeah, and who are you gonna take, 
               your own palm?

     His friends stare at him.

                           FRIEND #1
               Clever. I like the way you just spun 
               that around on me.

     Friend #2 notices Mary talking to her FRIENDS.

                           FRIEND #2
               I wonder who she's going with.

                           FRIEND #1
               Some guy named Woogie.

                           TED
               Who?

                           FRIEND #1
               Big guy--goes to Barrington high 
               school.

     This irks Ted.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                 p. 4
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TED
               Woogie from Borrington high? Sounds 
               like a loser.

                           FRIEND #1
               Loser? Woogie was all-state football 
               and and basketball and valedictorian 
               of his class.

                           FRIEND #2
               I heard he got a scholarship to 
               Princeton but he's going to Europe 
               first to model.

     This takes the wind out of Ted's sails.

                           FRIEND #3
               Yeah and he's got a huge cock.

     Everyone looks at him.

                           FRIEND #3 (CONT'D)
               I heard.

     Suddenly Friend #1 NOTICES something.

                           FRIEND #1
               Hey, check it out.

     THEIR POV - A large, goofy YOUNG MAN with an unfashionable 
     crewcut comes walking up the street. He's in his early 
     twenties and though the weather is mild he's WEARING EARMUFFS. 
     He approaches a GROUP OF KIDS sitting on a car hood.

                           EAR-MUFF GUY
               You seen my baseball?

                           CAR HOOD KID #1
               No.

     The kids watch as the Ear-Muff Guy approaches another group.

                           EAR-MUFF GUY
               You seen my baseball?

     ON CAR HOOD KIDS 

                           CAR HOOD KID #1
                    (to his buddies)
               This guy must be in the 'tard squad.
                    (to Ear-Muff Guy)
               Hey, buddy, come here, I think I 
               know where your ball is.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                 p. 5
     12-16-01                                                    


     The Ear-Muff Guy heads back to the car.

                           EAR-MUFF GUY
               You seen my baseball?

                           CAR HOOD KID #1
               Yeah, I seen it. That girl over there, 
               she has it.

     Car Hood Kid #1 points to a BUSTY GIRL leaning against another 
     car talking to her large BOYFRIEND.

                           CAR HOOD KID #2
               'Cept she doesn't call it a baseball. 
               She has another name for it...

                                                          CUT TO:

     ON BUSTY GIRL - The Ear-Muff Guy marches up to her and her 
     boyfriend.

                           EAR-MUFF GUY
               You seen my pecker?

                           GIRL
               What?!

                           EAR-MUFF GUY
               You seen my pecker?

     The Boyfriend grabs him by the collar.

                           BOYFRIEND
               You son-of-a-bitch, I'll kick your 
               ass!

     The Boyfriend throws the Ear-Muff Guy to the ground and is 
     about to pummel him when Ted intervenes.

                           TED
               Take it easy, Smokey.

                           BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
               This fucking pervert just came on to 
               Nance!

                           TED
               All right, just be cool.
                    (under breath)
               He looks like he's not all there, 
               you know what I mean?

     A crowd starts to gather which only incites Smokey more.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                 p. 6
     12-16-01                                                    


                           BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
               Get the fuck out of my way, man!

     Smokey tosses Ted out of the way and moves toward the Ear-
     Muff Guy. Just then Mary shows up and steps between them.

                           MARY
               What's going on here?

     She bends down and helps the Ear-Muff Guy off the ground.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               Are you all right?

                           EAR-MUFF GUY
               Mary, you seen my baseball?

                           MARY
               No, I haven't seen your baseball. 
               Jeez, Warren, you know you're not 
               supposed to leave the yard by 
               yourself.

                           BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
                    (to Mary)
               You know him?

                           MARY
               He's my brother.

                           BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
               Oh.
                    (beat)
               I didn't realize he was...you know...

     At this, Smokey and his girlfriend reluctantly head toward 
     the school, along with most of the crowd.

     Mary turns her attention in the direction Ted was thrown.

                           MARY
               You okay?

     HER POV - Ted is sitting in a mud puddle. He stands and 
     brushes himself off.

                           TED
               Oh yeah. Fine.

                           MARY
               Thanks a lot, Ted.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                 p. 7
     12-16-01                                                    


     CLOSE ON - Ted. He can't believe what he's just heard. As 
     Mary helps him up, she turns her attention to Warren.

                           MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
               That she knew my name blew my mind. 
               Some of my best friends didn't know 
               my name.

 3   EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MORNING                                 3   

     Mary and a muddied Ted are walking Warren home. Warren lags 
     behind, mumbling to himself. Mary notices that Ted is limping.

                           MARY
               Hey, you're limping. Did you just 
               hurt yourself?

                           TED
               No, it's an old football injury.

                           MARY
               Oh, are you on the team?

                           TED
               No, a couple of the players and me 
               were joking around and, uh, I fell 
               off the school.

     Warren approaches and motions for Ted to hop on his back.

                           WARREN
               Piggyback ride?

                           MARY
               Warren, come on, leave Ted alone.

     Warren pats his back again.

                           WARREN
               Piggyback ride.

                           TED
                    (to Mary)
               I don't mind. If you think he can 
               hold me.

                           MARY
               Oh he can hold you. He weighs two-
               hundred-and-thirty pounds.

                           TED
               A real Clydesdale, huh Warren?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                 p. 8
     12-16-01                                                    


     Ted hops onto Warren's back.

                           TED (CONT'D)
               Giddy-up.

     Warren walks about five feet and stops.

                           WARREN
               My turn now.

     OFF TED'S REACTION, WE

                                                          CUT TO:

 4   EXT . MARY'S HOUSE - DAY                                       4   

     Muddy sweat is running down Ted's face as he struggles up a 
     hill with Warren on his back.

                           TED
                    (straining)
               We're here, Warren. You wanna get 
               off?

                           WARREN
               Giddy-up.

     Ted rolls his eyes and continues toward the front door. Mary 
     looks on, amused.

                           MARY
               So who you taking to the prom?

                           TED
               Huh?

                           MARY
               The prom--you going?

                           TED
               Oh, I don't know. I think proms are 
               pretty dumb.

                           MARY
               'Cause I thought maybe you and I 
               could go if you weren't already taking 
               someone.

                           TED
               I mean dumb in the sense that they 
               only happen once a year.

     She smiles at this.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                 p. 9
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
               From that moment on the guys at school 
               looked at me in a whole new light.

                                                          CUT TO:

     CLOSE ON FRIEND #

                           FRIEND #1
               You're a fucking liar!

 5   EXT. CUMBERLAND HIGH SCHOOL - DAY                              5   

     PULLBACK TO REVEAL - Ted is leaning against his locker 
     surrounded by a group of guys.

                           FRIEND #2
               You expect us to believe you're going 
               to the prom with Mary? What about 
               Woogie?

                           TED
               They broke up. She said he started 
               getting weird on her.

                           FRIEND #1
               I got twenty bucks says you're full 
               of shit.

                           TED
               Oh come on, why would I lie?

                           FRIEND #1
               Because you're a loser, and in some 
               warped way this gives you a momentary 
               sense of worth.

                           FRIEND #2
               Put me down for fifty.

                           FRIEND #3
               I'm in.

     As the others join in, we

                                                          CUT TO:

 6   EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT                                   6   

     A tuxedoed and smiling Ted drives up in his parent's station 
     wagon.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 10
     12-16-01                                                    


 7   EXT. MARY' S FRONT DOOR - TWILIGHT                             7   

     Ted knocks on the door and Mary's gruff DAD answers.

                           MARY'S DAD
               Yeah? What do you want?

                           TED
               Um, hi, I'm Ted Peloquin. I'm here 
               to take Mary to the prom.

                           MARY'S DAD
               Prom? You're about twenty minutes 
               late. She just left for the prom 
               with her boyfriend Woogie.

     Ted looks devastated. Suddenly the door swings open revealing

     MARY'S MOM.

                           MARY'S MOM
               Charlie, that's mean. Come on in, 
               Ted.  Don't listen to Mr. Wise Guy 
               here. He's a joke a minute.

                           TED
               Oh.
                    (relieved)
               Oh, that's a good one.

 8   INT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT                                   8   

     Ted nervously enters and sees Warren watching T.V. in the 
     den.

                           TED
               Hey, Warren.

     Warren doesn't look his way.

     Just then Mary comes down the stairs looking as if the 
     directors had really taken their time casting this role. Ted 
     can't believe his eyes.

                           MARY
               Hi, Ted.

                           TED
               Hi, Mary.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 11
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY'S MOM
               Poor Teddy--he's been getting it 
               both barrels from the Wisenheimer 
               here.

                           MARY
               Dad, have you been busting Ted's 
               chops?

     Mary's Dad shrugs.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               Warren, did you say hi to Ted?

                           WARREN
                    (not looking up)
               'Bout ten times.

                           TED
               Hey, Warren, I think I know where 
               your baseball is.

     This finally gets Warren's attention.

                           WARREN
               You seen my baseball?

     We see Ted discreetly pull a BRAND NEW BASEBALL out of his 
     pocket and palm it in his hand.

                           TED
               Well, if it's a big white one with 
               red stitching, I think I saw it right 
               behind your ear ..

     Ted is reaching behind Warren's ear when suddenly Warren 
     TAKES A SWIPE AT HIM, knocking him to the ground.

                           MARY
               Warren!!!

     Ted HITS HIS HEAD on the coffee table.

     ON THE BASEBALL - as it rolls under the couch, stopping right 
     next to the OTHER MISSING BALL.

     BACK TO SCENE - In a split second, Warren is up like a cat 
     and DIVES ONTO TED. As MARY AND HER PARENTS SCREAM, Ted 
     manages to free himself from the disabled man's clutches and 
     GETS WARREN IN A HEADLOCK.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 12
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY'S DAD
                    (to Ted)
               What the hell are you doing?!

                           MARY'S MOM
               Teddy, let him go!

                           TED
                    (out of breath)
               I'm trying...tell him to...calm down.

     The family jumps on Warren and finally break it up.

                           MARY'S DAD
                    (to Ted)
               Jesus Christ, guy, what the hell 
               were you doing?!

                           TED
               I was playing a trick. I-I-I had a 
               baseball.

                           MARY'S MOM
               What baseball? Where's a baseball?

     Ted looks around but there's no ball in sight.

                           TED
               There was a ball-- I had a-- honest.

     As Mary helps Ted up, we see that his shirttail is out and 
     his tie is hanging off. Mary's parents lead the frothing 
     Warren back to the couch.

                           MARY (TO TED)
               I'm sorry. I should've told you, 
               he's got a thing about his ears.

                           TED
               Oh. Okay. I gotcha.

                           MARY
               Are you all right?

                           TED
               Oh yeah.

                           MARY'S MOM
                    (to Mary)
               Honey, now you're all wrinkled.

     Mary looks down and frowns.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 13
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               Ted, will you just give me one more 
               minute?  I have to iron this thing.

     Ted starts to tuck his pants in as Mary and her mother head 
     back up the stairs. Mary's Dad and Ted are left alone. And 
     Warren.

     Ted rubs his head, sees a spot of blood.

                           TED
                    (to Mary's Dad)
               May I use your bathroom?

 9   INT. BATHROOM - TWILIGHT                                       9   

     Ted dabs his head with a tissue, then moves to the toilet. 
     As he TAKES A LEAK he glances out the window to his left.

     TED'S POV - two LOVEBIRDS are perched on a branch.

     Ted smiles...

     ...at the SOUND of these beautiful tweeties singing their 
     love song for themselves, for the spring, for Ted and Mary, 
     and suddenly they fly away and we...

     SNAP FOCUS

     ...to reveal Mary in the bedroom window DIRECTLY BEHIND WHERE 
     THE BIRDS WERE, in just a bra and panties, and just then her 
     mother glances Ted's way and MAKES EYE-CONTACT with what she 
     can only presume to be a leering Peeping Tom.

     ON TED...

     ...he loses the smile and ducks his head back into the 
     bathroom,

     HORRIFIED.

     PANICKING NOW, he hastily zips up his fly and

                           TED
               YEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

     TED GETS HIS DICK STUCK IN THE ZIPPER!

                                                          CUT TO:

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 14
     12-16-01                                                    


10   EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - NIGHT                                    10   

     A concerned Mary, her Mom, Dad, and Warren are huddled outside 
     the bathroom.

                           MARY
                    (knocking gently)
               Ted, are you okay?

                           TED (O.S.)
                    (pained)
               Just a minute.

                           MARY'S MOM
               He's been in there over half an hour.
                    (whispering)
               Charlie, I think he's masturbating.

                           MARY
               Mom!

                           MARY'S MOM
               Well he was watching you undress 
               with a silly grin on his face.

                           TED (O.S.)
                    (pained)
               I was watching the birds!

     They all look at one another.

                           MARY'S MOM
               Charlie, do something.

                           MARY'S DAD
               All right, kid, that's it, I'm coming 
               in.

11   INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS                                    11   

     A whimpering Ted huddles in the corner as Mary's Dad enters.

                           MARY'S DAD
               What seems to be the situation here? 
               You shit yourself or something?

                           TED
               I wish.

     Ted motions for him to close the door and Mary's Dad obliges.

                           TED (CONT'D)
               I, uh...I got it stuck.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 15
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY'S DAD
               You got what stuck?

                           TED
               It.

                           MARY'S DAD
               It?
                    (beat)
               Oh it. All right, these things happen, 
               let me have a look. It's not the end 
               of the world.

     Mary's Dad moves closer and puts his reading glasses on.

12   EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS                               12   

     As Mary, her Mom, and Warren listen in...

                           MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
               OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

                           TED (O.S.)
               Shhhhhh!

13   INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS                                    13   

                           MARY'S DAD
                    (CALLS OUT)
               Shirley, get in here! You gotta see 
               this!

                           TED
               What?! No please, sir--

                           MARY'S DAD
               She's a dental hygienist. She'll 
               know what to do.

     Mary's Mom comes in and closes the door behind her.

                           MARY'S MOM
               Teddy, hon, are you okay?
                    (moving closer, seeing 
                    the situation)
               OH HEAVENS TO PETE!

                           TED
               Would you shhh! Mary's gonna hear 
               us.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 16
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY'S MOM
               Just relax, dear. Now, um...what 
               exactly are we looking at here?

                           TED
                    (dizzy)
               What do you mean?

                           MARY'S MOM
                    (delicate)
               I mean is it...is it...?

                           MARY'S DAD
                    (gruff)
               Is it the frank or the beans?

                           TED
               I think a little of both.

     Suddenly we hear Warren from outside the door:

                           WARREN (O.S.)
               Franks and beans!

     Ted hangs his head.

14   EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS                               14   

     Mary and Warren are huddled outside the door.

                           MARY
                    (to Warren)
               Shhhh.

                           MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
               What the hell's that bubble?

     Mary REACTS to this.

15   INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS                                    15   

                           TED
               One guess.

                           MARY'S DAD
               How the hell'd you get the beans all 
               the way up top like that?

                           TED
               I don't know. It's not like it was a 
               well thought-out plan.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 17
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY'S MOM
               Oh my, there sure is a lot of skin 
               coming through there.

                           MARY'S DAD
               I'm guessing that's what the soprano 
               shriek was about, pumpkin.

                           MARY'S MOM
               I'm going to get some Bactine.

                           TED
               No, please!

     Suddenly a POLICE OFFICER sticks his head in the bathroom 
     window.

                           POLICE OFFICER
               Ho there.

                           TED
                    (humiliated)
               Oh God.

                           POLICE OFFICER
               Everything okay here? Neighbors said 
               they heard a lady scream.

                           MARY'S DAD
               You're looking at him. C'mere and 
               take a look at this beauty.

                           TED
               No, that's really unneces--

     But the Officer's already climbing in the window. Once inside, 
     he turns his flashlight on Ted and WHISTLES.

                           POLICE OFFICER
               Now I've seen it all. What the hell 
               were you thinking?

                           TED
                    (frustrated)
               I wasn't trying--

                           POLICE OFFICER
               Is that bubble what I think it is?

     Mary's parents nod.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 18
     12-16-01                                                    


                           POLICE OFFICER (CONT'D)
               But...how...how'd you get the zipper 
               all the way to the top?

                           MARY'S DAD
               Let's just say the kid's limber.

     The Officer makes a face, then rolls up his sleeves.

                           POLICE OFFICER
               Well, there's only one thing to do.

                           TED
               No, no, no, I'll be fine. I'll just 
               hang my shirttail out and work on it 
               in the morning.

                           POLICE OFFICER
               Look, son, this'll only hurt for a 
               second.

     The Officer reaches down and takes hold of the zipper.

                           TED
               No, no, please!

                           MARY'S MOM
               Teddy, be brave.

                           WARREN (O.S.)
               Beans and franks!

                           MARY (O.S.)
               Warren, shhh.

     Defeated, Ted holds his breath and braces for the worst.

                           POLICE OFFICER
               It's just like pulling off a Band-
               aid.  A-one and a-two and...

                                                          CUT TO:

                           PARAMEDIC
               We got a bleeder!

16   EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - NIGHT                                     16   

     TWO PARAMEDICS rush Ted out the front door on a stretcher. 
     Mary runs alongside him holding a towel on his crotch. while 
     a THIRD PARAMEDIC dabs at his crotch with a towel. Mary's 
     Mom and Dad are out front along with two FIRETRUCKS, four 
     POLICE CARS, and a crowd of about thirty NEIGHBORS.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 19
     12-16-01                                                    


                           PARAMEDIC
                    (to Mary)
               Keep pressure on it!

     Mary does as she's told.

                           MARY
                    (running along)
               Ted, I'm so sorry. Are you going to 
               be okay?

                           TED
                    (irrational cockiness)
               You betcha!

     He gives her two thumbs up as they slide him into the 
     ambulance.

17   INT. AMBULANCE - CONTINUOUS                                   17   

     The doors SLAM shut and as the ambulance pulls away Ted starts 
     to WHIMPER and we can see Mary fade into the night, as we

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

18   INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT DAY                      18   

     Ted, now in his 30's, lays on his therapist's couch.

                           TED
               ...Anyway, school ended a few days 
               later and that July her father got 
               transferred to Florida.

     The CAMERA PANS up to reveal that the CHAIR BEHIND HIM IS 
     EMPTY.

     Ted has been telling all this to no one.

                           TED (CONT'D)
               It took me half the summer to pay 
               off all those bets.
                    (sighs)
               I never did see Mary again. That was 
               about twelve years ago.

     Just then the door quietly opens and Ted's PSYCHIATRIST tip-
     toes back into the room and takes his seat. (He has a dab of 
     mustard on his chin and has forgotten about the cloth napkin 
     tucked into his collar.)

                           PSYCHIATRIST
               Uh-huh. Interesting.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 20
     12-16-01                                                    


     The Psychiatrist notices the napkin and quickly wipes his 
     chin, then tosses it aside.

                           TED
               Anyway, it's not something you exactly 
               forget about, but I guess I must've 
               blocked it out of my head. Then about 
               a week ago I'm driving on the highway 
               and I got to thinking about Mary and 
               suddenly I couldn't breathe...I 
               couldn't keep up with the flow of 
               traffic anymore I felt like I was 
               going to die. I pulled into a rest 
               area, parked the car, and just started 
               shaking.

     The Psychiatrist scratches his chin.

                           PSYCHIATRIST
               You know...rest areas are homosexual 
               hang-outs.

                           TED
               Huh?

                           PSYCHIATRIST
               Highway rest areas--they're the 
               bathhouses of the nineties for some 
               gay men.

     Ted thinks about this, then glances back at the shrink.

                           TED
               What are you saying?

                           PSYCHIATRIST
                    (checking wristwatch)
               Oops, time's up. We'll have to delve 
               into that next week.

     Off Ted's look, we

                                                          CUT TO:

19   EXT. DRIVING RANGE - DAY                                      19   

     Ted and his friend DOM are blasting a couple buckets.

                           DOM
               Gay? He said you were gay?

                           TED
               He implied it.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 21
     12-16-01                                                    


                           DOM
               Well you're a writer, and a lot of 
               writers are gay. Look at Truman 
               Capote.

                           TED
               Yeah, but he was successful.

                           DOM
               Let me ask you this: When you smoke 
               a cigar, do you ever pretend it has 
               balls?

     Ted appears to think about this.

                           TED
               Come on, that wouldn't make me gay.

                           DOM
               I'm going to fix you up with my new 
               assistant.

                           TED
               What's he like?

     Dom LAUGHS, then watches as Ted hits a ball.

                           DOM
               You're leaving it out. Finish your 
               swing.
                    (beat)
               You're going to like this one--she's 
               half Asian, half American.

                           TED
               Good-looking?

                           DOM
               I just told you, she's half Asian. 
               half American. They're all good 
               looking. You could mate Don Rickles 
               and Yoko Ono and they're going to 
               have a gorgeous kid. It's a foolproof 
               combo.

     Ted thinks about it.

                           TED
               What's the point? Let's face it, 
               Dom, I'm in a slump.
                    (SIGHS)
               Lately I've been feeling 
               like...well...like a loser.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 22
     12-16-01                                                    


                           DOM
               Loser? You?

     Ted shrugs.

                           DOM (CONT'D)
               Give me a break. Remember five years 
               ago, when your kidneys failed? If 
               you were a loser would they have 
               been able to find a donor with an 
               exact tissue match? What are the 
               odds of that, one in a million?

                           TED
               Oh, so I'm lucky because my brother 
               got killed in an explosion?

                           DOM
               I never said that. I'm saying your 
               lucky those kids found his kidneys.
                    (beat)
               Besides, your brother Jimmy never 
               gave a shit about you.

     Ted gives him a look.

                           DOM (CONT'D)
               You know, you're a real glass-is-
               half-empty guy. You got a fucking 
               guardian angel, man.

     Ted manages a small smile. Just then, Ted's cell phone RINGS.

                           TED
               I gotta take this, it might be my 
               boss.
                    (flips phone open)
               Ted here.

                           GARBLED VOICE
                    (on phone)
               You're a cocksucking motherfucking 
               piece of puke!

     Whoever it is HANGS UP. Without reacting, Ted closes the 
     phone and puts it back in his pocket.

                           TED
               Yep.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 23
     12-16-01                                                    


20   EXT. DOM'S HOUSE - DAY                                        20   

     Dom and Ted are drinking beer while sitting on Dom's front 
     steps.

     We see signs of kids everywhere: a tricycle, six-foot 
     basketball hoop, dolls, etc.

     DOM'S WIFE comes out and hands them each a cigar.

                           DOM'S WIFE
               I thought you guys might like these 
               with your beers.

                           DOM
               Thanks, baby.

     She goes back inside.

                           TED
               See, that's what I want. I don't 
               need these bimbettes you got me 
               chasing. I want what you have. A 
               family....Someone to...you 
               know...love.

     These guys don't usually talk about this crap, and Ted gets 
     a little embarrassed.

                           TED (CONT'D)
               It must be great with a wife like 
               that.

                           DOM
               Each day is better than the next.
                    (beat)
               Have you ever been, you know...in 
               love with someone?

                           TED
               Nah.

                           DOM
               Never?

                           TED
               Well once. Mary.

     Dom SIGHS.

                           DOM
               Mary again.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 24
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TED
               Look, I admit it was brief, but it 
               was definitely love. Crushes don't 
               last twelve years.

                           DOM
               Whatever happened to Mary?

                           TED
               I told you, her family moved to Miami.

                           DOM
               I mean since then.

                           TED
               I don't know.

                           DOM
               Well why don't you look her up?

                           TED
                    (sarcastic)
               Yeah, right.

                           DOM
               Why not?

                           TED
               Because I guarantee she's married 
               and has a couple kids. Girls like 
               Mary don't stay single.

                           DOM
               What if you're wrong? You just said 
               she's the only girl you ever loved, 
               what have you got to lose by calling 
               her?

                           TED
               I did try calling her.
                    (sheepish)
               A few years ago. She wasn't listed.

                           DOM
               So that was it? One bump in the road 
               and you gave up?

                           TED
               I also called Unsolved Mysteries.

                           DOM
               You're kidding? What did they say?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 25
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TED
               They told me they don't help out 
               stalkers.
                    (beat)
               Look, maybe they're right, it's been 
               a long time.

                           DOM
               I got it--you hire a private eye, 
               fly him out there, he follows her 
               around a couple days, she'll never 
               know a thing.

     Ted considers this.

                           TED
               No. No fucking way. That's too creepy.

     Dom thinks a moment, then SNAPS his fingers.

                           DOM
               Wait a second. There's a guy named 
               Healy in my office who might be able 
               to help you out. He's a claims 
               investigator and he goes to Miami 
               every couple weeks.

     As Ted thinks about this, we

                                                          CUT TO:

21   ESTABLISHING SHOT OF A BIG INSURANCE COMPANY - MORNING        21   

22   INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - HALLWAY - MORNING   22   

     Ted and Dom are walking down a hallway.

                           TED
               I don't know about this, Dom.

                           DOM
               Relax, this guy owes me a big one. A 
               couple years ago he got in a jam up 
               in the Boston office; some bullshit 
               about padding his resume--like we 
               haven't all done that.  Anyway, they 
               were going to let him go but his 
               mother wrote a tear-jerker letter 
               that ended up on my desk.

                           TED
               His mother?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 26
     12-16-01                                                    


                           DOM
               Yeah, I guess he still lives with 
               her.  Seemed like a sweet lady--got 
               diabetes or something--so I went out 
               on a limb and got him transferred 
               down to Providence.

                           TED
               And you think he could find out her 
               number for me?

                           DOM
               He'll do better than that. I'll send 
               him down to Miami on business, you 
               throw him a couple bucks on the side, 
               and he'll track her down.

     Ted thinks about this.

                           DOM (CONT'D)
               Just let me warn you--This guy runs 
               a little hot, but he gets the job 
               done.

                                                          CUT TO:

23   INT. HEALY'S CUBICLE - MORNING                                23   

     Ted is seated inside a small cubicle across the desk from 
     PATRICK HEALY, a shaggy-looking guy in a mis-matched three-
     piece suit.

     Healy looks more like a used-car salesman than an insurance 
     investigator.

                           HEALY
               So, Dom tells me you're looking for 
               some lady-friend you knew in high 
               school.

                           TED
               Uh-huh.

                           HEALY
               Any idea where I might start looking?

                           TED
               She moved to Miami Beach twelve years 
               ago.  I checked directory assistance 
               down there and she's not listed. She 
               might've moved ten times since then.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 27
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY
                    (skeptical)
               All you want is a phone number?

                           TED
               Well, I know you're busy

                           HEALY
               Don't play games with me, Ted.

                           TED
               I don't know, maybe you could poke 
               around for a half day and see if she 
               has five kids and a Labrador.

                           HEALY
               I don't buy it.

                           TED
               You don't buy what?

     Suddenly Healy is in his face.

                           HEALY
               Ted, I'm the kind of guy who shoots 
               from the hip. Now I want you to level 
               with me: Did you knock this skirt 
               up?

                           TED
                    (indignant)
               No.

                           HEALY
               She's blackmailing you, right?

                           TED
                    (more indignant)
               No.

                           HEALY
               You want her dead, don't you?

                           TED
               You can't be serious.

                           HEALY
               Do you really expect me to believe 
               this is a straight stalker case?

                           TED
               I'm not a stalker! She's a friend of 
               mine.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 28
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY
               Sure she is. That's why she got an 
               unlisted number and you haven't heard 
               squat from her in a dozen years. Oh 
               you're good, Ted.  You're a real 
               piece of work.

                           TED
                    (stands)
               Look, let's forget it. Let's forget 
               the whole thing.

                           HEALY
               I get one hundred a day plus expenses.

                           TED
                    (LAUGHS at Healy's 
                    nerve)
               You get fifty a day, period. It's a 
               business trip, they'll pay for your 
               expenses.

     Healy thinks about it.

                           HEALY
               Okay, Ted, I'll do it. But if this 
               chick turns up with a toe tag, I'm 
               rolling over on you.

                                                          CUT TO:

24   ESTABLISHING SHOT - OF MIAMI BEACH                            24   

25   EXT. COLLINS AVENUE - DAY                                     25   

     Healy waits alone on a corner carrying one bag and a RACK OF 
     BEERS. Suddenly a '89 Chrysler Lebaron convertible with a 
     GREAT DANE in the back SCREECHES to a halt in front of him. 
     The driver, SULLY, is a muscular, well-groomed man in his 
     thirties.

                           SULLY
               Healy you dog!

                           HEALY
                    (checking out car)
               Fucking Sully! Look at you!

                           SULLY
                    (Boston accent)
               You hot shit. Ya look fuckin' pisser.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 29
     12-16-01                                                    


26   INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAY                                   26   

     The dog is catching wind in the backseat and Sully hands 
     Healy a packet.

                           SULLY
               Here's the info you asked for.

                           HEALY
               Thanks.

                           SULLY
               You should thank me--that girl was 
               not easy to find. What'd she scam 
               you out of-some insurance dough?

                           HEALY
               Nah, some guy threw me a few bucks 
               to track down his high school 
               girlfriend.

                           SULLY
               Stalker, huh?

                           HEALY
               Big time.

27   INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - DAY                                  27   

     This place is modest and clean but it has a direct view of 
     South Beach. Healy puts his bags down and looks around.

                           HEALY
               Very nice.

                           SULLY
               I'm doing okay.
                    (checks watch)
               I gotta get ready for work.

     Sully ducks into the bedroom and Healy looks around the 
     apartment.

                           HEALY
               Okay? With this pad, the killer 
               wheels?  Looks like you really cleaned 
               up your act.

                           SULLY (O.S.)
               What can I tell you?
                           (MORE)

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 30
     12-16-01                                                    


                           SULLY (O.S.) (CONT'D)
               It's a healthier lifestyle down here, 
               and it's easier to succeed when your 
               head's clear. Those guys I worked 
               with back in Boston, they were a bad 
               influence.

                           HEALY
               Fuckin' animals. Hey, what do you 
               say we go grab a couple drinks.

                           SULLY (O.S.)
               Not for me, buddy. I don't drink 
               anymore.

                           HEALY
               Yeah, and you don't drink any less, 
               right?

     Suddenly a huge Boa Constrictor slithers up on Healy's lap.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               What the...?!

     Sully comes back in the room wearing a police uniform.

                           SULLY
               Take it easy, that's Bill.

                           HEALY
               Tell Bill to get the fuck off!

                           SULLY
                    (smiling)
               Relax, he just ate.

     Healy just stares at his friend.

                           SULLY (CONT'D)
                    (proudly)
               Nineteen months I been sober.

                           HEALY
               What are you talking about? You were 
               never an alky, you were a cokehead.

                           SULLY
               Yeah, well when you quit blow, you 
               gotta quit the booze, too.

                           HEALY
               Is that right? Well good for you, 
               Sull, I'm proud of you.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 31
     12-16-01                                                    


     Healy pops open one of his beers and hands it to Sully.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               Here, just have one of these then.

                           SULLY
               Healy, what I just tell you?

                           HEALY
               This is a light beer. You can't have 
               a light beer?

                           SULLY
               No I can't.

     Healy stares at him, baffled.

                           HEALY
               Sully, it's one fuckin' beer for 
               Christ sakes.
                    (holds up beer)
               Ooh, the big bad beer's gonna get 
               ya.

     Sully stares at the beer, weakening.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               I'm worried about you, man. You better 
               learn to have a pop once in a while 
               or you're gonna fall off the wagon. 
               You're being a fanatic and that ain't 
               healthy.

                           SULLY
               Am I?

                           HEALY
               Bet your ass you are. Now I don't 
               want to hear anymore of your happy 
               horseshit. You gotta learn how to 
               bend a little or believe me...you're 
               gonna break.

     Finally, Sully takes the beer. He stares at it a moment and 
     then sips.

                           SULLY
               Jesus, you know what? This shit 
               doesn't even taste good to me anymore.

                           HEALY
               Ah, fuck ya then, you big pussy. 
               What are you, spotting?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 32
     12-16-01                                                    


     Healy takes the beer from Sully and as he chugs it, we

                                                          CUT TO:

28   INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAWN                                  28   

     Healy is on a stakeout. He's dozing. He's been here for hours, 
     food wrappers litter Sully's car. He's wearing Walkman-type 
     HEADPHONES which are connected to a RADIO SURVEILLANCE 
     MICROPHONE attached to a pair of BINOCULARS.

     Suddenly MUSIC explodes through his headphones--Healy's jolted 
     awake. Who threw the grenade? Recovering, Healy aims the 
     binoculars toward...

     HEALY'S POV - MARY'S APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET

     Healy has a clear, unobstructed view into Mary's apartment. 
     The music is coming from Mary's clock radio. MARY sits up in 
     bed and shakes herself awake, like someone's just poured 
     cold water over her. She cranks the music even LOUDER. Mary 
     hops out of bed, wearing only her panties, and though she's 
     a little older now, she still looks well cast.

     CLOSE UP - ON HEALY - he's become extremely interested in 
     his work. As much as Healy's enjoying the show, he's got a 
     job to do--he speaks into a MICRO-CASSETTE RECORDER:

                           HEALY
                    (into recorder)
               Okay, Ted, I found your Mary. Her 
               current address, two-niner-eight 
               Euclid Avenue, Miami Beach. Husband, 
               negative. Children and Labrador, 
               negative. Extremely nice ass, 
               affirmative.

29   INT. MARY'S APT. - DAY                                        29   

     Mary walks into the living room where we see an old woman, 
     MAGDA, sitting on the couch LISTENING to a stack of RADIO 
     SCANNERS.

                           MARY
               Have you been up all night again?

                           MAGDA
               Bet your ass I have. It's an important 
               job, Neighborhood Watch is.

                           MARY
               Neighborhood Watch?
                           (MORE)

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 33
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY (CONT'D)
               Is that what you call listening in 
               on stranger's phone conversations?

                           MAGDA
               These ain't strangers, they're 
               neighbors.  This only picks up signals 
               in a half-mile radius.

                           MARY
               Meaning?

                           MAGDA
               Meaning these are the people you 
               live amongst, you got a right to 
               know if they're creeps. For instance, 
               did you know there's a guy down the 
               hall cheating on his wife?

                           MARY
                    (feigning shock)
               You picked that up on the scanner. 
               We gotta move.

                           MAGDA
               I confirmed it on the scanner. I 
               knew something was up because Puffy 
               used to bark like hell whenever he 
               saw him and you know Puffy only barks 
               at bad people.

     Magda pats her little dog PUFFY on the head.

                           MARY
               Magda, Puffy barks at everybody.

                           MAGDA
               That's because there's a lot of bad 
               people out there. Hey, Puffy tried 
               to warn you about that Steve guy you 
               was seeing--he was a fucking asswipe--
               but you had to find out for yourself, 
               didn't you?

                           MARY
               Okay, you win. Now try to get some 
               sleep, huh.

     Mary gives Magda a kiss and heads to her bedroom.

                                                          CUT TO:

     MUSIC MONTAGE - as Healy follows Mary around town.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 34
     12-16-01                                                    


30   EXT. EUCLID AVENUE - MORNING                                  30   

     Mary exits her apartment and bounces out into the world. 
     There is a HOMELESS MAN sitting on the sidewalk. Mary flips 
     him an apple, then jumps in her Honda Civic and drives off.

31   EXT. DRIVING RANGE - MORNING                                  31   

     Mary is at the range HITTING a couple buckets of balls.

     ON HEALY - watching from the parking lot.

                           HEALY
                    (into mic)
               Looks like we got an athlete on our 
               hands.

32   EXT. MACDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU WINDOW - MORNING                  32   

     Mary waits in the drive-thru lane reading the SPORTS PAGE. 
     Finally the window opens and she is handed a HUGE BAG OF 
     FOOD.

     PAN TO Healy watching from his car.

                           HEALY
                    (into mic)
               Well, from her figure and her 
               appetite, I'm guessing she's either 
               got a bowel disorder or we've got a 
               hurler on our hands.

33   EXT. SPECIAL ED. CENTER - MORNING                             33   

     Mary's brother Warren is wearing a walkman as he plays catch 
     out front with a SPECIAL ED TEACHER while several other 
     MENTALLY-DISABLED PATIENTS entertain themselves.

     Mary pulls up, gets out, and starts handing out Egg McMuffins.

                           MARY
               Get in line. One at a time.

     A fat patient, GARY, approaches.

                           GARY
               Can I have two, Mary?

                           MARY
               Yeah, you can have two halves, just 
               like everyone else.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 35
     12-16-01                                                    


                           GARY
               Thanks.

     Gary takes his and walks off. A couple more patients and 
     then bucktoothed FREDDIE steps up to her.

                           FREDDIE
               Will you marry me, Mary?

                           MARY
               Oh yeah, pretty boy? And what about 
               Dolores?

     Mary points to another PATIENT staring bashfully at Freddie.

                           FREDDIE
               Would you marry us both, Mary?

                           MARY
               Yeah, that'd be a good deal for you, 
               wouldn't it?

     Freddie moves off and fat Gary is back, trying to be 
     inconspicuous.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               Wow, this is weird. There was somebody 
               who looked just like you here a minute 
               ago.

     Mary smiles and hands Gary another McMuffin.

     CLOSE ON Healy.

                           HEALY
                    (into mic)
               Ixnay on the big appetite.
                    (beat)
               She's just got a big heart.

34   EXT. BEACH BAR - DAY                                          34   

     Neighborhood restaurant and bar. After-work crowd. Mary and 
     her friends, BRENDA, LISA, and JOANIE are sitting at a table 
     under an umbrella. Lisa reads from the PERSONALS COLUMN in 
     South Beach Magazine.

                           LISA
               Listen to this one--'Seeking sensitive 
               Wasp doctor to share candlelit 
               dinners, long walks in Coconut Grove, 
               marriage.'

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 36
     12-16-01                                                    


                           BRENDA
               What does this girl want, a corpse?  
               You gotta be more specific: 'Seeking 
               deaf mute with three pound cock and 
               trust fund.'

                           JOANIE
               No, it should be 'a hockey player 
               with great pecs.'

                           MARY
               Ugh, not pecs. Sounds like one of 
               those guys with a fish-net shirt and 
               a banana hammock.

     PAN TO the bar where we see Healy eavesdropping on their 
     conversation.

                           BRENDA (O.S.)
                    (to Mary)
               I suppose you wouldn't like someone 
               with a washboard stomach like Brad 
               Pitt?

     BACK ON Mary and friends.

                           MARY
               I'm just saying I don't mind a guy 
               with a bit of a beer belly. It means 
               he's a guy.  You can have those pretty 
               boys who hang out in a gym all day 
               staring at their reflections.

     ON HEALY

                           HEALY
                    (quietly into mic)
               A girl after your own heart, Ted.

     BACK ON Mary and friends.

                           JOANIE
               I can live with those reflections.

                           MARY
               I'm sick of these calorie-countin' 
               pansies.  Give me a guy who likes 
               kielbasa and beer and playing thirty-
               six holes and still has enough energy 
               to take me and Warren out to a 
               ballgame.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 37
     12-16-01                                                    


                           JOANIE
                    (sarcastic)
               Jeez, I don't know where you're ever 
               going to find a guy like that.

                           MARY
               But here's the rub. The guy I'm 
               talking about has got to be self-
               employed.

                           LISA
               You mean, like an architect or 
               something?

                           MARY
               Architect, yeah.

                           BRENDA
               You mean creative, but not poor.

                           MARY
               No, it's not the money. Creative, 
               yeah, that's good, but it's the 
               freedom I'm talking about. See, this 
               guy has to have a job he could do 
               anywhere. That way we could just up 
               and leave at the drop of a hat.

                           LISA
               And where would you and your beer-
               bellied architect be leaving to?

                           MARY
               I don't know. The Super Bowl, New 
               Orleans Jazz Festival...maybe a couple 
               months in Nepal.

                           JOANIE
               Yeah, and you'd probably dump the 
               poor guy halfway to Katmandu.

                           MARY
               What's that supposed to mean?

                           JOANIE
               It means you're too hard on guys.

                           MARY
               No I'm not.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 38
     12-16-01                                                    


                           JOANIE
               Oh come off it, Mare. What about 
               what's-his-name...Steverino? You 
               could've at least passed the baton 
               on that one.

     The girls LAUGH.

                           MARY
               Yeah, Steve. Steve was all right for 
               awhile.

                           JOANIE
               All right for awhile? The guy's good-
               looking, rich, witty. He was a god.

                           LISA
               At one point you were talking about 
               marrying him. Come on, why'd you 
               dump him?

     Mary thinks about this.

                           MARY
               I don't know, it was complicated. 
               He's in San Francisco, I'm in Miami.
                    (dodging question)
               Besides, Magda's psychic dog hated 
               him.

                           JOANIE
               Is that old crab still with you? 
               Mary, you said you were putting her 
               up for a month--it's been a year and 
               a half.

                           MARY
               Ah, she's okay.

                           LISA
               Mary, cut the crap, what really 
               happened with Steve?

                           MARY
               Nothing. I mean, you know my brother.
                    (sighs)
               Warren.

                           JOANIE
               What? Steve seemed to put up with 
               Warren.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 39
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               I don't want someone who'll put up 
               with him. I want someone who will 
               enjoy him, the way I do. Do you know 
               what he told my friend Tucker?  He 
               said he would've popped the question 
               a lot earlier if Warren wasn't in my 
               life.
                    (beat)
               Well he is in my life and I'm goddamn 
               lucky to have him. The hell with 
               Steve.

     Everyone is touched by this. Then:

                           BRENDA
               Well, that's the last time I blow 
               him behind your back.

     As the girls LAUGH, we

                                                          CUT TO:

35   EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                                 35   

     Healy sits out front in his car again waiting for Mary to 
     get home. He picks up the phone, dials a number, and someone 
     answers but doesn't speak.

                           HEALY
               Hello...? Sully...?
                    (beat)
               Sully, that you?

                           SULLY (V.O.)
                    (over phone)
               Who the fuck is it to you?

                           HEALY
               Sully, it's Healy. What's going on 
               over there?

36   INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                                36   

     Sully is sitting on the kitchen floor in his police uniform, 
     a ring of white around his nostrils. The room is littered 
     with beer cans, he has another one in his hand, there's a 
     pile of cocaine and a rolled-up bill on the breakfast table. 
     The dog and the snake are in the doorway looking at him with 
     concern.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 40
     12-16-01                                                    


                           SULLY
                    (into phone, sloshed)
               Fuckin' Patrick Healy, you think 
               your shit don't stink. Well I got 
               news for you--you're goddamn right 
               it don't! How the hell are ya?!

37   INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT                                      37   

     Healy looks at the phone, concerned.

                           HEALY
               Uh, I'm fine. Just wanted to let you 
               know I'll have your car back in a 
               couple hours, I'm still staking out 
               this girl's apartment.

                           SULLY (V.O.)
               You found my car?!

     Just then Healy notices Mary pull up and park. He slides 
     down in his seat.

     ON MARY - she gets out carrying a bag and approaches the 
     Homeless Man, who is still sitting on the sidewalk. She hands 
     him the bag.

                           HOMELESS MAN
               Thanks, Mary.

                           MARY
               You watch out for yourself, Herb.

     As Mary bounds up the steps of her building, we HOLD ON the 
     Homeless Man as he happily takes a sandwich and soda out of 
     the bag.

38   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                                 38   

     As Mary rushes into the apartment, Magda is glued to her 
     radio scanner, listening intently.

                           MAGDA
               Jesus, Mary, you gotta hear this--
               some cop's staking out this broad's 
               apartment.

                           MARY
               No time, Magda, my show's starting.

     BACK ON HEALY...

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 41
     12-16-01                                                    


     ... he can hear the conversation through the SURVEILLANCE 
     EQUIPMENT pointed at Mary's place.

                           MAGDA (V.O.)
               This is a good one, Mare. Sounds 
               like his partner's all lubed up.

                           HEALY
                    (quietly into phone)
               Call you back.

                           SULLY
                    (over phone)
               God, I miss ya, ya fuck-

     Healy hangs up abruptly.

39   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                                 39   

                           MAGDA
               Ah, Christ, I lost 'em.

     Mary runs into her bedroom, shuts the door and flips on the 
     tube just as ESPN Sportscenter's OPENING THEME SONG is 
     playing.

     Relieved, Mary lays back on her bed and starts watching.

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

40   INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT                                      40   

     Mary is now watching Andy Griffith while SMOKING A JOINT and 
     GIGGLING away in bed.

     ON HEALY - he's sitting in his car, GIGGLING, too.

                           HEALY
               Fucking Barney...he never learns...

41   INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT                                      41   

     As the show's end credits start to WHISTLE AWAY, Mary stands 
     and starts to UNDRESS for bed.

     BACK ON HEALY - he sits up, very interested now.

                           HEALY
                    (into mic)
               Here we go, Teddo. Here comes the 
               money shot.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 42
     12-16-01                                                    


     Healy quickly reaches in the back seat and pulls out a bigger, 
     MORE POWERFUL PAIR OF BINOCULARS.

     HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - we're CLOSE ON the wrinkliest, 
     saggiest, droopiest set of milkbags on the planet.

     ON HEALY - he cringes.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               Oooof. First chink in the armor, 
               Teddy Boy....

     HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - He moves his view up from the tits 
     to reveal...MAGDA UNDRESSING for bed.

     ON HEALY - He flinches, sickened by his mistake, then 
     repositions the binoculars dead left to the next window.

     HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - moving over to the next window we 
     see...

     Mary as she just finishes putting on some sexy t-shirt.

     ON HEALY - as he starts to drool.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               Oh sweet Jesus

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

42   EXT. PROVIDENCE - THE HOT CLUB - DAY                          42   

     Ted is sitting alone having a beer when a smiling Healy 
     approaches.

                           HEALY
               I've got some very, very good news 
               for you, my friend.

                           TED
               Really?
                    (perking up)
               Very, very?

     Healy sits down and motions for a beer.

                           HEALY
               I think your life's about to change.

                           TED
               So you found Mary?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 43
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY
               Right there in Liberty City. And you 
               were right, she's really something.

                           TED
                    (smiles)
               So she hasn't changed?

                           HEALY
               That I couldn't. say. Let me ask you 
               something: Was she a little big-boned 
               in high school?

                           TED
               No, not at all.

                           HEALY
               Well she must've packed on a few 
               pounds over the years.

     This doesn't dampen Ted's enthusiasm.

                           TED
               Mary's a little chubby, huh?

                           HEALY
               I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a 
               half.  Not bad.

     Ted's smile starts to fade.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               But you know, you shit out a bunch 
               of kids, you're going to put on a 
               few pounds.

                           TED
               So she's married?

                           HEALY
               Nope. Never been.

                           TED
               Huh?

                           HEALY
               Four kids, three different guys.

                           TED
               Three different guys?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 44
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY
               Well I'm guessing. There's a black 
               kid, two whites, and a midget.

                           TED
               Oh my.

                           HEALY
               Hyperactive little fuckers, too. 
               Tough to keep up with in a wheelchair, 
               I bet.

                           TED
               She's in a wheelchair?!

     Ted looks completely drained.

                           HEALY
               Don't look so shocked, it's been a 
               long time. I bet you've changed a 
               lot over the last twelve years, 
               haven't you?

                           TED
                    (shrugs)
               It's just that...Mary. I wouldn't 
               have thought...

                           HEALY
               Anyway, the good news is I have all 
               the information you need. Got it 
               from her bookie--nice guy. You should 
               definitely call her, Ted. I mean 
               she's a real sparkplug, that one. 
               She seems determined to get those 
               rugrats off welfare and with your 
               help I'll bet she does it.

     Ted stands and starts moping away.

                           TED
               Thanks, Healy. Good work.

                           HEALY
               Ted? Don't you want the name of the 
               housing project?

                           TED
               Uh, that's okay.

                           HEALY
               You sure, big guy?
                           (MORE)

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 45
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               I'll bet she'd love to hear from you 
               before her mastectomy!

     As Ted leaves, Healy puts his feet up on the table and sits 
     back.

43   INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                                  43   

     We PAN across the room of unopened boxes to Ted laying awake 
     in bed. We hear HEAD-BANGER MUSIC coming from the apartment 
     next door. Finally Ted gets up and walks over to his dresser. 
     As he flips on a small light we see loose change, a balled-
     up Kleenex, a few golf tees, and Ted's wallet. Ted picks up 
     the wallet and opens it.

     TED'S POV - Inside is an an old high school photo of a smiling 
     Mary.

     As Ted looks at it, he can't help but smile, too.

44   INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY                 44   

     ON HEALY'S CUBICLE - Healy's taking his last boxload of crap 
     out of his cubicle when he spots Ted. He tries to duck back 
     in but Ted sees him. Healy forces a smile as Ted approaches.

                           TED
               What are you doing?

                           HEALY
               Oh, uh, I resigned.

     Ted picks up a plane ticket off the desk.

                           TED
               Miami?

                           HEALY
               Yeah, this insurance business is too 
               slow for me. I'm going to go down 
               and try my hand at jai alai.

                           TED
               Jai alai?

                           HEALY
               Yeah, I don't know why but I always 
               felt at home in the fronton.

     Healy starts walking out of the office and Ted follows. Healy 
     is having a hard time looking him in the eye. So he doesn't.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 46
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TED
               Look, uh, I've been thinking about 
               everything you told me.

                           HEALY
               Good good.

                           TED
               Well I think you're right, I should 
               look her up.

                           HEALY
               Rollerpig? Are you nuts?

                           TED
               But you said she was a sparkplug...?

                           HEALY
               I said buttplug. She's heinous.

     Ted SIGHS and follows Healy out the front door.

45   EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY                                        45   

     They walk across the lot toward Healy's car.

                           TED
               All the same, I still want to call 
               her. I know it sounds crazy--Mary 
               sure has a lot of troubles in her 
               life--but, I don't know, maybe I can 
               help her out.
                    (sighs)
               The poor thing's had it tough--she's 
               in a wheelchair for Godsakes.

                           HEALY
               It's a goddamn bunion. It'll heal.

                           TED
               Oh. I thought
                    (beat)
               That's not it anyway. I know this 
               doesn't make any sense to you, but I 
               just can't turn it off that fast. I 
               still feel something for her.

     Healy comes to his car and puts his stuff in the trunk.

                           HEALY
               Okay, tell you what: I'll get her 
               number for you just as soon as she 
               gets back from Japan.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 47
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TED
               Japan? What's she doing in Japan?

                           HEALY
               You've heard of mail-order brides? 
               Well they go that way, too.

     Ted is devastated.

                           TED
               Mary's a mail-order bride?

                           HEALY
               Fetched a pretty penny, too. Don't 
               forget, it's the Sumo culture, they 
               pay by the pound there. Sort of like 
               tuna.

     Off Ted's look, we

                                                          CUT TO:

46   EXT. THE HOT CLUB - DAY                                       46   

     Ted and Dom are having a beer and a dog.

                           TED
               That's it, I'm making an oath. I'll 
               never procrastinate about anything 
               again. Life is too fucking short.

                           DOM
               Hey, look on the bright side--

                           TED
                    (interrupting)
               What's that, Dom? What's the bright 
               side?

                           DOM
               Well...at least now you know.

                           TED
               I think it was better when I didn't. 
               It was kind of inspiring to know 
               there was someone so pure in the 
               world.

     As Ted dwells on this, Dom bursts out LAUGHING.

                           TED (CONT'D)
               What's so funny?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 48
     12-16-01                                                    


                           DOM
               I'm sorry, it's just that you're 
               taking this all wrong, pal. Don't 
               you see? You're liberated. I feel 
               liberated. I mean here you've been 
               in therapy thinking you blew it with 
               the greatest girl ever, and it turns 
               out that getting your dick stuck in 
               your zipper was the best thing that 
               ever happened to you!

     Ted flinches at this.

                           TED
               Wait a second, I never told you that.

                           DOM
               Christ, Ted, I was only four towns 
               away.

     Ted thinks it over.

                           TED
               Maybe you're right. I should look on 
               the bright side. I mean, I've still 
               got my health...
                    (checks watch)
               I'm out of here. I've got to get up 
               at six a.m. to move my boss's brother 
               into his apartment.

                           DOM
               What? On your day off? Do you even 
               know the guy?

                           TED
               Never met him.

                           DOM
               Jesus, Ted, you've got to finish 
               that damn novel so you can quit that 
               stupid magazine.

                           TED
               Amen to that.

                                                          CUT TO:

47   EXT. MIAMI - DRIVING RANGE - DAY                              47   

     Healy pays for a bucket of balls, then takes his clubs and 
     strolls jauntily to...

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 49
     12-16-01                                                    


     GOLF TEE NEXT TO MARY'S

     Healy places a ball on the tee and takes a swing. He tops 
     the ball and it dribbles about ten yards.

                           HEALY
               Hit a house! Bite bite!
                    (to Mary)
               Haven't swung the wrenches in a while.

     Mary nods. Healy takes another swing and duck-hooks one about 
     fifty yards. Mary addresses her ball, takes a smooth 
     backswing, and

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               Hey, can you give me some tips here?

     She cracks her shot long and straight.

                           MARY
               Yeah, don't talk in someone's 
               backswing.

                           HEALY
               Thanks.

     Mary tees up another ball and Healy puts down his club.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               I'm gonna get a soda, you want one?

                           MARY
                    (annoyed)
               No thanks.

     Healy pulls out a huge wad of change from his pocket.

                           HEALY
               Oh cripes. Do you have change for a 
               dollar?  All I have is these stupid 
               Nepalese coins.

                           MARY
                    (interested)
               Nepal? Have you been?

                           HEALY
               Not in months. I don't even know why 
               I bought the damn place.

                           MARY
               You own a home there?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 50
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY
               Well...it's just a condo really. 
               Right outside Katmandu.

                           MARY
               Wow. That's a place I've always wanted 
               to go. Is it true the mountains are 
               so tall you can't see the tops?

                           HEALY
               Not 'til you get about three hundred 
               yards from the summit. That's been 
               my experience anyway.

     She looks impressed. Healy looks at his watch.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               You know, I should just get going. 
               I'll work on my game next week.

     He flips her a coin.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               Here. Spend it on your trip to 
               Katmandu.

                           MARY
                    (smiles)
               Thanks.

     Healy starts to walk off. Mary doesn't know what to do. Will 
     she ever see this guy again?

                           MARY (CONT'D)
                    (CALLS after him)
               It was nice meeting you!

     Healy doesn't answer or turn around. He just raises his hand 
     and gives her a little wave.

     Mary shrugs her shoulders. Oh well...

48   EXT. DRIVING RANGE PARKING LOT - DAY                          48   

     Healy is sitting in Sully's Chrysler LeBaron, right next to 
     Mary's Honda Civic.

     He watches the rear-view mirror, and the moment he sees Mary 
     coming out from the driving range, he swings his legs out 
     the door and starts changing out of his golf shoes. As Mary 
     tosses her golf bag into the trunk, she notices Healy tying 
     his shoes. A second chance.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 51
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               Well, it was nice meeting you, again.

                           HEALY
               Same here again.

                           MARY
               By the way, what's your name?

                           HEALY
               Pat Healy.

     There's an uncomfortable pause...Why doesn't this guy ask 
     the usual questions?

                           MARY
               Don't you want to know my name?

                           HEALY
               I already know it, Mary.

                           MARY
                    (surprised)
               How'd you know that?

                           HEALY
               It's right there on your golf bag.

     Healy opens the back door to put away his golf shoes. 
     Suddenly, rolls and rolls of paper come tumbling out. Mary 
     bends over to help Healy pick them up.

                           MARY
               What are you doing with all these 
               blueprints?

                           HEALY
               Some buildings I'm working on.

                           MARY
               Are you...an architect?

                           HEALY
               Well, just until I get my PGA Tour 
               card.

     Mary stares at him, mouth agape.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               I'm kidding. Yeah, I guess you could 
               call me an architect--it's just a 
               job really, a way to keep me moving. 
               My real passion is my hobby.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 52
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               What's that?

                           HEALY
               I work with retards.

                           MARY
                    (taken aback)
               I beg your pardon?

                           HEALY
               You know...
                    (flaps lips with 
                    fingers)
               ...the guys who ride the short bus.

                           MARY
                    (put off)
               Isn't that a little politically 
               incorrect?

                           HEALY
               The hell with that. No one's gonna 
               tell me who I can and can't work 
               with.

                           MARY
               No, I mean

                           HEALY
               --There's this one kid, we call him 
               Mongo on account of he's a mongoloid. 
               He got out of his cage once and--

                           MARY
               --He's in a cage?!

                           HEALY
               Well it's more of an enclosure really.

                           MARY
               They keep him confined? That's 
               bullshit!

                           HEALY
               That's what I said, so I went out 
               and got him a leash you know, one of 
               those clothesline runners for the 
               backyard. He's got plenty of room 
               out there to dig. The kid's really 
               blossomed. Now I can take him to 
               ball games, movies--you know, happy 
               stuff.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 53
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               That sounds like fun.

                           HEALY
               Yeah, it's fun for them, but it's 
               heaven for me.
                    (getting emotional)
               Those goofy bastards are just about 
               the best thing I have in this crazy 
               old world.
                    (checks watch)
               Ooh, hey, I gotta run.

                           MARY
                    (won back over)
               Look, uh, I was thinking maybe we 
               should go have dinner sometime.

     Healy smiles at this and we

                                                          CUT TO:

     EXT. PROVIDENCE APARTMENT - 7:45 A.M.

     A profusely sweating Ted has a DRESSER ON HIS BACK and EEKS 
     his way toward the front door as his BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER 
     catches up to him IN A WHEELCHAIR. (The man is a quadriplegic 
     who needs to use a MOUTHPIECE to operate his chair.)

                           BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
               Hey, shit-for-brains, be careful not 
               to scratch that thing, huh?

                           TED
                    (straining)
               What?

                           BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
               You heard me. You already put a 
               fucking nick in my piano.

                           TED
                    (biting tongue)
               I'll try to be more careful.

                           BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
               S'matter with you? You look like 
               you're fading.

                           TED
               The thing's kind of heavy.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 54
     12-16-01                                                    


                           BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
               Heavy? Heavy?! What I wouldn't give 
               to know what heavy feels like, you 
               insensitive prick.

                           TED
               No, I just meant...

                           BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
               Yeah yeah. I'm going to the corner 
               to get a cup of coffee.

     The Boss's Disabled Brother bites into the mouthpiece and 
     ZIPS AWAY up the sidewalk. Ted takes a step. Rests. A step. 
     Rests.

                           ASSERTIVE WOMAN'S VOICE
               Hey you!

     Ted glances back toward the street to see a T.V. NEWS REPORTER 
     from the CHANNEL 7 I-TEAM rushing toward him with a NEWS 
     CREW on her heels.

                           T.V. NEWS REPORTER
               Do you know that you're parked in a 
               handicapped spot?

                                                          CUT TO:

49   INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY                                    49   

     Ted is splayed out on a table in obvious pain while DR. 
     LALONDE, an old high school pal, palpates his spine.

                           DR. LALONDE
                    (smirking)
               So...I see you made the news.

                           TED
                    (angry and embarrassed)
               It wasn't my truck--I was helping 
               out a guy in a wheelchair.

                           DR. LALONDE
                    (dubious)
               Uh-huh. Where was he?

                           TED
               Out getting coffee.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 55
     12-16-01                                                    


                           DR. LALONDE
               Yeah, that's more or less what the 
               others said, too. Out getting 
               coffee...supposed to meet him 
               here...picking up my grandma...

     Ted turns and GLARES at him.

                           DR. LALONDE (CONT'D)
               I'm just saying...They sure made you 
               look dumb.

     Ted SIGHS. A couple big CRACKS of the neck.

                           TED
               Bob, do you remember Mary?

                           DR. LALONDE
               Who?

                           TED
               Mary.

                           DR. LALONDE
               From high school Mary? Yeah, I saw 
               her about six months ago at a 
               convention in Las Vegas.

     Ted sits up.

                           TED
               A convention? How'd you see her at a 
               convention?

                           DR. LALONDE
               I'm an orthopedic surgeon, she's an 
               orthopedic surgeon.

     The Doc SIGHS, still able to recall the feeling.

                           DR. LALONDE (CONT'D)
               What a babe...

     Ted sits up on his elbows.

                           TED
               Babe?

                                                          CUT TO:

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 56
     12-16-01                                                    


50   INT. PROVIDENCE MUTUAL INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY                50   

     A buckled-over Ted limps into Dom's office with a crazed 
     look on his face.

                           TED
               Mary's a babe!

                           DOM
               What?

                           TED
               My Mary--she's not in Japan, she's 
               single, and she's got no rugrats. 
               She does have a little gambling 
               problem, she plays the football cards 
               a bit too much, but she's a babe, a 
               surgeon babe!

                           DOM
               Huh? But why did Healy?

                           TED
               Well think about it.

     Ted folds his arms.

                           DOM
               No You mean...?

                           TED
               Uh-huh.

                           DOM
               The lazy fuck just didn't bother to 
               look her up.

                           TED
                    (nodding)
               That sneaky prick was probably 
               practicing his jai alai.

     Dom shakes his head. Then:

                           DOM
               Well then you've got to call her, 
               man.

                           TED
               Fuck calling her. I'm going down 
               there.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 57
     12-16-01                                                    


51   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                                 51   

     While Mary gets ready for her date, Magda sits in front of 
     the radio scanner in her bathrobe with her little dog Puffy 
     on her lap.

                           MAGDA
               So who's the lucky guy?

                           MARY
               Name's Patrick, I met him at the 
               driving range.

                           MAGDA
               Good lookin'?

                           MARY
               He's no Steve Young.

52   INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT                                      52   

     Healy, listening through his headphones, reacts to this.

                           MAGDA (V.O.)
               What's he like?

                           MARY (V.O.)
               I don't know. He's kind of a mook.

                           MAGDA (V.O.)
               What's a mook?

                           MARY (V.O.)
               You know, a mookalone, a schlep.

53   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                                 53   

                           MAGDA
               Then why you going out with him if 
               he's a schlep?

                           MARY
               Come on, Magda
                    (SIGHS)
               It's like that movie Harold and Maude.

                           MAGDA
               I don't watch the new ones.

                           MARY
               This one's almost thirty years old. 
               It's about a young kid and an old 
               lady who fall in love.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 58
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MAGDA
               That's exactly why I don't watch 'em 
               anymore--it's bullshit! Why the hell 
               would an old lady go for a young 
               kid?

     Mary smiles at this.

                           MARY
               The point is, love isn't about money 
               or social standing or age, it's about 
               connecting with someone, having things 
               in common kindred spirits.

                           MAGDA
               Fuck kindred spirits. My little Puffy 
               here's gonna tell you all you need 
               to know about this guy in about two 
               seconds flat.

     If he starts yapping, he's a loser; if Puffy's relaxed...well, 
     you got yourself a keeper.

54   INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT                                      54   

     AS HEALY THINKS ABOUT THIS, WE

                                                          CUT TO:

55   EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT                        55   

     Healy enters the building.

56   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT              56   

     Healy tiptoes up to Mary's apartment door. He peeks through 
     the mail slot.

     HEALY'S POV - Puffy is staring at him and GROWLING.

     Healy reaches in his pocket, pulls out a VALIUM and a DOGGY 
     TREAT.

     Healy shoves the pill into the treat's soft center, examines 
     it, then thinks what the hell and SHOVES IN ANOTHER ONE.

     Puffy GROWLS LOUDER. Healy pops the treat through the mail 
     slot and listens as the dog DEVOURS IT. Healy looks at his 
     watch, then sneaks back outside to wait a few minutes for 
     the drugs to kick in.

                                                          CUT TO:

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 59
     12-16-01                                                    


57   INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT                               57   

     Healy is sitting on Mary's couch with Puffy spread-eagled 
     upside-down on his lap, KNOCKED OUT COLD. Mary and Magda 
     look on in amazement.

                           HEALY
                    (baby talk)
               Oh, Pufferball likes his little tum-
               tum rubbed, doesn't he now?

                           MARY
               Wow, I've never seen him like this. 
               He doesn't usually like guys.

                           MAGDA
               You mean he doesn't like bad guys.

                           HEALY
               'That right?

                           MAGDA
               He can tell you're an animal nut. 
               You are, aren't ya?

                           HEALY
               Truth is I usually get along better 
               with animals than with people. In 
               Nepal the villagers call me 'Kin-tan-
               tee', which means 'man who is loved 
               by many animals...
                    (babbling)
               ...who love him a lot, too...and so 
               on.'

     Magda stares dreamily at Healy, smitten.

                           MAGDA
               Would you like a glass of tea or 
               something?

                           HEALY
               You got a brew?

                           MARY
               Sure.
                    (noticing Magda's 
                    trance)
               Uh, Magda, why don't you get some 
               more cheese and crackers...?

                           MAGDA
               Oh, yeah, of course, dear.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 60
     12-16-01                                                    


     The two women go into the kitchen and Healy is left to pet 
     the MOTIONLESS DOG. Suddenly Healy notices that the dog is A 
     LITTLE TOO MOTIONLESS. Healy checks Puffy's pulse. He looks 
     at his watch to time the rate.

                           MARY (O.S.)
                    (CALLING out)
               Sorry, Pat, out of beer. You like 
               vodka?

                           HEALY
                    (CALLING out)
               Great.

     He starts SHAKING THE DOG, but Puffy doesn't move. Healy 
     goes into action. He starts pressing on his heart, PERFORMING 
     DOGGIE CPR.

     One-and-two-and-three, he continues trying to revive him.

                           MAGDA (O.S.)
                    (CALLING out)
               Would you like a little clam-dip, 
               honey?

                           HEALY
                    (CALLING out)
               No, thanks.
                    (panicking)
               Love a little bundt cake if you have 
               some!

58   INT. MARY'S KITCHEN - SAME                                    58   

     Magda and Mary are on their way out the door when they stop.

                           MAGDA
               Bundt cake?

                           MARY
                    (shrugs)
               Must have a sweet tooth. See if you 
               can find some cookies.

     As Magda starts to go through the cupboards...

59   INT. MARY'S FAMILY ROOM - SAME                                59   

     A panicked Healy is giving the little mutt MOUTH-TO-MOUTH 
     now.

     Then back to the heart, the mouth, the heart, the mouth....

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 61
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY
                    (quietly, desperately, 
                    to Puffy)
               Come on, man, stay away from the 
               light!

     Healy resumes blowing into the dog's snout, pumping his chest, 
     with no results. Desperate, he picks up the cheese knife and 
     quickly SLICES THE WIRES ON TWO TABLE LAMPS.

     Healy grabs the two wires and TOUCHES THEM TOGETHER LIKE A 
     DEFIBRILLATOR on the little pooch's chest.

     ZZZZZTTTTTT - the dog BOUNCES a couple feet off the couch as

     SPARKS FLY.

     Healy takes his pulse again. Nothing. He ZAPS him once more 
     with the LIVE WIRES.

     ZZZZZTTTTT - Still nothing. Healy gets to his feet and peeks 
     into the kitchen. When he turns his back, we see PUFFY IGNITE 
     IN

     FLAMES.

     When Healy turns back, he's horrified at what he sees. He 
     grabs a vase of flowers and POURS THE WATER ON THE BURNING 
     DOG.

     With this, Puffy flinches and comes to, GASPING FOR AIR!

                           MAGDA
               All I had was some Funny Bones--how 
               does that sound, honey?

     Healy picks up the stunned pooch and swaddles it in a blanket 
     as Magda ENTERS the room followed by Mary.

                           HEALY
                    (petting dog)
               Fine. Fine.

                           MARY
               Here you go.
                    (sniffs)
               What's that smell?

     Mary hands Healy his vodka and as he downs it, we

                                                          CUT TO:

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 62
     12-16-01                                                    


60   EXT. MIAMI MUSEUM - NIGHT                                     60   

     Healy looks slightly disoriented as Mary leads the way into 
     the courtyard area by the main building.

                           HEALY
               The museum? I thought we were going 
               out to dinner?

                           MARY
               We will, but first I have a surprise.

                           HEALY
               A surprise?

                           MARY
               The architecture exhibit! My friend 
               Tucker is going to be here. He's an 
               architect, too. You guys will have 
               tons to talk about.

     CLOSE ON HEALY'S FACE as he starts to panic.

61   INT. ARCHITECTURE EXHIBIT                                     61   

     Mary and Healy walk through the exhibit area. Mary scans the 
     room for her friend. Healy's face is ashen.

                           MARY
               I know he's around here someplace.

                           HEALY
                    (chipper)
               What say we get outta here and go 
               crush a bucket?

                           MARY
               We just got here thirty seconds ago. 
               Isn't this stuff great?

     Mary points to an architectural model.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               Is this one art deco or art nouveau?

                           HEALY
               Deco.

                           MARY
               Would you call that a portico or a 
               vestibule?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 63
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY
               That...? Vestibule.

                           MARY
               How about--?

                           HEALY
               When you look at architecture, try 
               not to concern yourself with the 
               pieces--look at the building in its 
               totalitarianism.

     Mary gives him a look. Suddenly, Healy draws a couple of 
     invisible sixshooters at her.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               Stone crab time! Come on, let's get 
               outta here, goofy.

     He turns to go but Mary notices something O.S.

                           MARY
               Tucker!

     Mary leads Healy over to her friend TUCKER, a distinguished-
     looking man in his fifties. Healy looks like a dog that's 
     being dragged to the vet. Mary and Tucker embrace.

                           TUCKER
                    (still hugging)
               Come on, like you mean it.

     Mary LAUGHS and hugs Tucker tighter. Then:

                           MARY
               Tucker, this is my friend Pat Healy.

     Healy and Tucker shake hands.

                           TUCKER
               Pleasure to meet you, Patrick.

                           HEALY
               Same here.

                           MARY
               Pat's an architect, too.

                           TUCKER
               Hey, no kidding? Where are your 
               offices?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 64
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY
                    (keeping cool)
               Mainly I work out of Boston.

                           TUCKER
               Boston, huh? Did you get your degree 
               up there?

                           HEALY
               Yes yes, I did get my degree up there.

                           TUCKER
               Harvard?

                           HEALY
               You bet.

                           TUCKER
                    (pleased)
               Did you study under Kim Greene?

                           HEALY
               Among others.

                           TUCKER
               Kim and I are close friends!

                           HEALY
               Well, I'll tell her I ran into you.

                           TUCKER
               You mean him.

     BEAT.

                           HEALY
               Well...that's debatable.

     Healy makes a hand-gesture to imply that Kim's sexuality is 
     in doubt.

                           TUCKER
               Really? But he's been married for 
               twenty years--they've got six kids.

                           HEALY
               Nice smokescreen, isn't it?

     Tucker can hardly believe his ears.

                           MARY
               Pat does projects all over the world.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 65
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TUCKER
                    (impressed)
               Where would I have seen your work?

                           HEALY
               Have you been to
                    (thinking hard)
               Let's see--Santiago, Chile?

                           TUCKER
               Absolutely! I was there twice last 
               year.  Which building is yours?

                           HEALY
               Do you know the...soccer stadium?

                           TUCKER
               Did you build the Estadio Olympico?

                           HEALY
               No...just down the street, the Amigo 
               Tower.

                           TUCKER
               I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with it. 
               What style?

                           HEALY
               Uh, sort of nouveau deco...with a 
               big vestibule. Check it out next 
               time you're up there.

     Tucker starts to look a little suspicious.

                           TUCKER
               You know, I really should take your 
               card.

                           HEALY
                    (noticing something)
               Oh look, it's Doob! Will you excuse 
               me a minute, Tucker?

     Healy drags Mary across the room toward a MAN who's looking 
     at an exhibit.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
                    (to Man)
               Dooby, you old sheep-fucker! How the 
               hell are ya?

                           MAN
               My name's Mel.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 66
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY
               Oh, sorry. Anyone ever tell you you 
               look just like Jim Dubois?

                           MAN
               The sheepfucker?

     Healy shrugs and the man walks away angrily.

                                                          CUT TO:

62   EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT                                          62   

     A two-door Toyota Tercel flies by the camera.

63   INT. TOYOTA TERCEL                                            63   

     A determined Ted is cruising along the highway in his rent-a-
     car.

     He has a cup of coffee in his hand and a HITCHHIKER in the 
     seat beside him. The Hitchhiker sits with a LARGE RED DUFFEL 
     BAG between his legs.

                           HITCHHIKER
               Thanks for picking me up.

                           TED
               No prob, I could use the company. 
               I've been on the road going on fifteen 
               hours straight.

                           HITCHHIKER
               I know how you feel--I been standing 
               in the same spot for the last five 
               hours. You know it's against the law 
               to pick up a hitchhiker in this state.

                           TED
               That must make it tough.

                           HITCHHIKER
               Sucks. So what's up? You some kind 
               of salesman or something?

                           TED
               Nah. I'm...I'm nothing.

                           HITCHHIKER
               Oh. Well I am.

                           TED
               Hm?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 67
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HITCHHIKER
               A salesman--that's what I am. I mean, 
               I'm gonna be anyway. I'm starting my 
               own company--video sales--just as 
               soon as I get enough seed money.

                           TED
               'That right? Good for you.

                           HITCHHIKER
               Yeah, you wouldn't believe my idea--
               it's a home run. You ever hear of 
               Eight-Minute Abs?

                           TED
               The exercise tape? Sure, I've seen 
               it on T.V.

                           HITCHHIKER
               Two million copies it sold last year. 
               Two million, man. But not next year--
               my idea's gonna blow them outta the 
               water. Get this:
                    (dramatic pause)
               Seven-Minute Abs.

     BEAT.

                           TED
               I see where you're going.

                           HITCHHIKER
                    (big smile)
               Think about it. You walk into a video 
               store and you see Eight-Minute Abs 
               and right next to it you see Seven-
               Minute Abs--which one you gonna spring 
               for?

                           TED
               I'd go with the seven.

                           HITCHHIKER
               Bingo. Especially since we guarantee 
               you'll get every bit as good a work-
               out.

                           TED
               How do you guarantee that?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 68
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HITCHHIKER
               Well it's the company motto: 'If you 
               ain't happy we'll send you the extra 
               minute.'

                           TED
               Huh. That sounds great.
                    (beat)
               Unless someone else comes out with 
               Six-Minute Abs.

     Ted CHUCKLES, but the Hitchhiker just GLARES at him, unamused.

                           TED (CONT'D)
                    (unaware)
               I'm gonna pull over. I gotta take a 
               leak.

64   EXT. REST AREA - NIGHT                                        64   

     The Toyota Tercel pulls in and parks. Ted gets out and walks 
     into the bushes to whiz.

     ON TED - as he steps into the dark brush UNZIPPING his fly 
     he TRIPS over something and FALLS TO THE GROUND.

                           TED
               What the--?

     Suddenly WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH--several huge SPOTLIGHTS 
     illuminate the area revealing TWO DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEN 
     scurrying to pull their pants up all around him.

                           POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
               THIS IS A RAID!

     ANGLE ON a startled Ted ON HIS KNEES directly in front of 
     ANOTHER MAN, making it appear that he's been BLOWING THE 
     GUY.

     REVERSE ANGLE reveals a DOZEN POLICE OFFICERS holding the 
     spotlights and moving in for the arrests followed by a CAMERA 
     CREW.

                           TED
                    (deer caught in 
                    headlights)
               Wait a second, it's not what you 
               think.

     A GUY with his pants at his ankles jumps on the bandwagon.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 69
     12-16-01                                                    


                           PANTS AT ANKLES GUY
               That's right! I-I-I was just pissing!

     Ted glares at him.

                           TED
               No! I was pissing!

                           POLICE OFFICER
               Yeah, I'll bet you all were. Come 
               on, in the truck.

     As they grab Ted and the others and hustle them away, we PAN 
     TO the Hitchhiker sitting in the Toyota watching the raid 
     unfold.

     The Hitchhiker is clearly PANICKY at the sight of all the 
     cops.

     Quietly he OPENS THE CAR DOOR, ducks down, and then SPRINTS 
     AWAY INTO THE WOODS UNSEEN, LEAVING HIS BIG RED BAG BEHIND.

                                                          CUT TO:

     CLOSE UP OF TELEVISION SCREEN as the bust continues. Each of 
     the men COVER THEIR FACES as they pass by the camera, EXCEPT 
     FOR TED who is extremely visible.

                           TED
                    (to Cop)
               Okay, take it easy, you don't have 
               to push.

     REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS a shocked Dom and his wife watching 
     this on their television.

                           DOM
               Oh my God. Is that...?

                           DOM'S WIFE
                    (matter-of-fact)
               Told you he was gay.

     BACK ON THE TELEVISION - The COPS struggle to get the feisty 
     Ted into a police van.

                           TED
               I was taking a leak!

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 70
     12-16-01                                                    


                           T.V. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
               We'll be right back with more of our 
               special edition of COPS - LIVE IN 
               THE BIBLE BELT!

                                                          CUT TO:

65   EXT. MIAMI STREET - NIGHT                                     65   

     Healy and Mary are walking home at the end of their date. 
     Healy is eating a big, wild cone of COTTON CANDY and drinking 
     a beer.

                           HEALY
               That grandmother of yours--she's 
               really something.

                           MARY
               Magda?  She's not my grandmother--
               actually she rents the apartment 
               right next to mine.  Her husband 
               passed away a couple years ago so 
               she doesn't like to be alone.

                           HEALY
               And it doesn't cramp your style?

                           MARY
               Sadly, no. Well except for the lint.

                           HEALY
               Lint?

                           MARY
               Yeah, I think it's that dog of hers 
               running around on the rug all day--
               just makes for a lot of lint. Look 
               at this...

     Mary lifts her shirt, revealing a BIG CLUMP OF COTTON CANDY 
     STICKING OUT OF HER BELLY-BUTTON.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               See? That's just one day.

     Healy CRACKS UP and then gazes at her. What a babe.

                           HEALY
               You know, sometimes I wish I could 
               be like Magda and not go home. I'd 
               like to just bounce around for awhile, 
               do a little traveling...

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 71
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               Why bounce when you have your own 
               condo in Nepal to go to?

     It's clear Healy forgot about that one.

                           HEALY
               Ah, I'd sell that. Start fresh in a 
               new place, quit the architect game, 
               slow things down, read more books, 
               see more movies...

                           MARY
               You're a movie buff?

                           HEALY
               Try to be. It's tough going with the 
               crap they make today. If Dumb and 
               Dumber's the best they've got to 
               offer I say thanks but no thanks.

                           MARY
               Have you seen it?

                           HEALY
               No. But the Boston Globe critic Jay 
               Carr hated it.

                           MARY
               A fucking moron.

                           HEALY
               Huh. I guess I just wish they made 
               them like they used to. You know, 
               something like The Heartbreak Kid...or 
               Harold and Maude.

     Mary can't believe her ears.

                           MARY
               Harold and Maude is my all-time 
               favorite movie.

                           HEALY
               Ouch. Come on, don't bust my chops. 
               I know it's corny, but I do love it.

                           MARY
               Pat, I'm not kidding. I really think 
               it's the greatest--

                           HEALY
               --Love story of our time.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 72
     12-16-01                                                    


     Mary smiles. Is this guy for real?

                           MARY
               Yeah.

                           HEALY
               Wow. I thought I was the only one.

     They come to her apartment building and stop. It gets a little 
     awkward.

                           MARY
               So...

                           HEALY
               Yeah...I guess this is it, huh?

                           MARY
               I guess.

                           HEALY
               Well, I'll see ya.

     Healy turns to go but stops.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               Mary ah, forget it.

                           MARY
               What?

                           HEALY
               No, forget it, it was stupid.

                           MARY
               Come on, what were you going to say?

                           HEALY
               Nah, really, it was moronic.

     She grabs him by the shirt playfully.

                           MARY
               Just say it.

     Healy takes a deep breath.

                           HEALY
               Could I feel your bosoms before I 
               go?

     Mary just stares at him.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 73
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY (BEAT)
               Knock yourself out.

     Healy reaches out and cups her breasts. He doesn't kiss her, 
     she doesn't kiss him, he just fondles her breasts. Then:

                           HEALY
               Okey-dokey, so tomorrow night?

     She smiles and as Healy walks away we

                                                          CUT TO:

66   INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY                              66   

     Ted is sitting alone at a table in a small interrogation 
     room.

     PULLBACK to reveal that he is being observed through a two-
     way mirror by two detectives, FRANEK and CAVALLO.

                           DETECTIVE FRANEK
               Man, they never look like you'd 
               expect.

                           DETECTIVE CAVALLO
               That's probably how he got the victim 
               to drop his guard.

                           DETECTIVE FRANEK
               Where'd they find the body?

                           DETECTIVE CAVALLO
               In a big red bag on the front 
               passenger seat. All hacked up--fucking 
               gruesome--a real psycho, this one.

     The Detectives ENTER the room.

67   INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY                                 67   

     Ted stands as the Detectives take a seat across from him.

                           TED
                    (agitated)
               I'm telling you, I did not solicit 
               sex! I was just stopping to go the 
               bathroom, next thing I know I tripped 
               over something--well someone--and, 
               POOF, there's cops and lights and--

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 74
     12-16-01                                                    


                           DETECTIVE FRANEK
               Okay, calm down, Ted, we believe 
               you.
                    (beat)
               The problem is we found your friend 
               in the car.

     As Ted sits back down the Detectives just stare at him. 
     Finally Ted thinks he gets it.

                           TED
               Oh. The hitchhiker.
                    (CHUCKLES)
               That's what this is all about.

     Ted puts his head in his hands and smiles.

                           TED (CONT'D)
               Isn't that just my luck--I get caught 
               for everything.

                           DETECTIVE CAVALLO
               So you admit it?

                           TED
               Guilty as charged. I'm not gonna 
               play games with you. I could give 
               you a song and dance but what's the 
               point? I did it and we all know it.
                    (laughs)
               The hitcher himself told me it's 
               illegal.  The irony.

     The Detectives are surprised by his forthrightness.

                           DETECTIVE CAVALLO
               Well, uh, can you tell us his name?

                           TED
               Jeez, I didn't catch it.

     The Detectives flinch at his glib demeanor.

                           DETECTIVE FRANEK
               So he was a stranger? It was totally 
               random?

                           TED
                    (confused)
               He was the first hitcher I saw, what 
               can I tell you? Now cut to the chase, 
               how much trouble am I in?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 75
     12-16-01                                                    


     The Detectives look at one another.

                           DETECTIVE FRANEK
               First tell us why you did it.

                           TED
               Why I did it?
                    (scoffs)
               I don't know. Boredom? I thought I 
               was doing the guy a favor.

     The Detectives look at each other.

                           DETECTIVE CAVALLO
               This wasn't your first time, was it, 
               Ted? How many we talking?

                           TED
               Hitchhikers? I don't know--fifty...a 
               hundred maybe--Who keeps track?

     Finally Detective Cavallo EXPLODES across the table and starts 
     WAILING on a shocked Ted.

                           DETECTIVE CAVALLO
               You sonofabitch! You're gonna fry!!!!

                                                          CUT TO:

68   EXT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING                                  68   

     Mary pulls up in her Honda Civic. She parks out front and 
     enters the building.

     PAN ACROSS THE STREET TO REVEAL - Healy is parked in his 
     car.

     His surveillance equipment is pointed toward Mary's office.

69   INT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING                                  69   

     Mary walks into the office and sees a MEDICAL ASSISTANT 
     standing near the coffee maker.

                           MARY
               Mornin', Jane.

                           MEDICAL ASSISTANT #1
               Good morning, Doctor. Your friend 
               Tucker's in your office to see you.

     Mary nods and heads toward her office.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 76
     12-16-01                                                    


70   INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME                                     70   

     Mary walks into her office and sees Tucker seated at her 
     desk.

     (SHOT FROM behind Tucker so we only see the back of his head.)

                           TUCKER
               What's up, Doc?

                           MARY
               Tucker, you look different some how. 
               Did you do something with your hair?

     MARY'S POV - Tucker's got two TONGUE DEPRESSORS under his 
     upper lip making him look like a walrus.

                           TUCKER
               The teeth, the teeth. I got 'em 
               capped.

     ON MARY - smiles.

                           MARY
               Oh yeah, they look great.

71   INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME                                       71   

     He's got his listening gun fixed on Mary's office.

                           TUCKER (V.O.)
               You don't think they're too big?

                           MARY (V.O.)
               No no, the bigger the better.
                    (beat)
               But I must say, they could be a little 
               brighter. Nothing's sexier than a 
               mouthful of pearly whites.

     Healy looks at his teeth in the mirror. Not exactly pearly.

72   INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS                               72   

     Tucker pulls the tongue depressors out of his teeth and 
     laughs. He stands up, and when Mary tries to squeeze past 
     him he gives her a kiss on the cheek.

                           TUCKER
               You ever been laid in this office?

     Mary pushes past him.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 77
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               Behave yourself, Tucker.
                    (smiles)
               Come on, what are you doing here?

     She sits in her chair and leans against her desk.

                           TUCKER
               I wanted to talk to you about your 
               friend Patrick.

73   EXT. HEALY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS                                 73   

     Healy almost flies out of his seat.

                           MARY (O.S.)
               He's a nice guy, isn't he?

                           TUCKER (O.S.)
               Well that's what I'm trying to figure 
               out. How long have you known him?

74   INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS                               74   

     Tucker has a look of concern.

                           MARY
               Not long at all, but I really like 
               him.
                    (off Tucker's look)
               Okay, I know he's a little different, 
               Tucker, but that's what I like about 
               him.  He's a guy. A real guy. He 
               dresses like a dork and eats corndogs 
               and he isn't always politically 
               correct and he probably farts, too. 
               And that's okay with me.

                           TUCKER
               That's what you've been looking for--
               a farter?

                           MARY
               I've been looking for a guy--not one 
               of these South Beach pussies.

                           TUCKER
                    (SIGHS)
               Look, it's just that something about 
               him struck me as odd last night. He 
               gave me this funny vibe. Anyway, I 
               called some friends back east. They
                           (MORE)

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 78
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TUCKER (CONT'D)
               don't know of any architect named 
               Patrick Healy and he's not listed as 
               a Harvard alumnus.

75   INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME                                       75   

     Healy SLAMS his hand on the steering wheel.

                           HEALY
               Fuck!!

                           MARY (O.S.)
               Huh...that's strange.

76   INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME                                     76   

                           TUCKER
               I thought so. Anyway, I hope you 
               don't think I'm being meddlesome. I 
               just think you should be careful 
               with this guy.

                           MARY
                    (concerned)
               No no no, Tucker, thank you.

                           TUCKER
               I mean let's face it, Mary, you're 
               beautiful, you've got money, you 
               trust people--I'm just saying, there's 
               a lot of psychos out there.

                           MARY
                    (small smile)
               I appreciate you looking out for me.

                                                          CUT TO:

77   INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY                              77   

     CLOSE ON - Detective Franek as he SPEAKS, sheepishly. His 
     remorseful- looking partner Cavallo stands behind him.

                           DETECTIVE FRANEK
               On behalf of the entire South Carolina 
               law enforcement community, I would 
               like to offer our heartfelt apologies 
               for any pain or temporary 
               inconvenience we may have caused 
               you, Mr. Peloquin.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 79
     12-16-01                                                    


     REVERSE ANGLE - reveals that Ted is lying on his prison bed 
     being spooned by a 300-pound SLEEPING INMATE.

78   INT. PRISON HALLWAY                                           78   

     The two Detectives and an apoplectic Ted walk down the 
     hallway.

                           DETECTIVE FRANEK
               At exactly 10:48 this morning a man 
               was apprehended not far from where 
               you were arrested. He was identified 
               as an escaped mental patient and 
               subsequently confessed to the murder 
               that you were being held for.  Lab 
               tests confirmed a fingerprint match 
               on the bag.

                           TED
                    (fragile)
               So...I'm free to go?

     Detective Cavallo stops and holds out his hand.

                           DETECTIVE CAVALLO
               No harm, no foul?

                           TED
                    (stunned)
               I guess.

     Still traumatized, Ted shakes the man's hand, then mopes 
     toward the door.

                           DETECTIVE FRANEK
               By the way, there's somebody here to 
               see you.

                                                          CUT TO:

79   INT. TED'S CAR - DAY                                          79   

     Dom is driving; a bruised and somber Ted is in the passenger 
     seat.

                           DOM
               You are one lucky sonofabitch, you 
               know that?

                           TED
               I am?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 80
     12-16-01                                                    


                           DOM
               Didn't they tell you? That hitcher 
               was just about to cut your throat 
               when you stopped to take a leak. You 
               got a fucking horseshoe up your ass, 
               man.

                           TED
               Yeah feels like it.

     Ted grimaces and shifts in his seat.

                           TED (CONT'D)
               How the hell did you get here anyway?

                           DOM
               Flew.
                    (beat)
               Told my wife I was going to a Promise 
               Keepers convention.

     Ted gives him a look.

                           DOM (CONT'D)
               I hate to ruin your day, Ted, but I 
               have some bad news for you.

     Ted SIGHS.

                           TED
                    (resigned)
               Shoot.

                           DOM
               Remember our friend Healy?  Well, I 
               didn't know where to mail his last 
               paycheck so I sent my assistant by 
               his mother's apartment. Turns out 
               there is no diabetic mom. Landlord 
               said she's been dead for ten years.

                           TED
               And this adversely affects me how...?

                           DOM
               Don't you see?--Healy lied to us 
               about everything! The landlord said 
               when he got back from Miami he kept 
               talking about falling for some doctor 
               named Mary!

     Ted is stunned.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 81
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TED
               Huh? What? No...My Mary? Mary wouldn't 
               go for him....would she?

     Dom hands Ted a SLIP OF PAPER.

                           DOM
               His address in Miami. You know, when 
               you think about it, we really don't 
               know the first thing about this guy.

     Finally the implications of this dawn on Ted.

                           TED
               Jesus Christ what have I done?

                                                          CUT TO:

80   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - EVENING                               80   

     A confused Mary and her girlfriends are in the apartment 
     while Magda listens to the radio scanner in the b.g.

                           LISA
               You're not seriously thinking about 
               going out with this guy again?

                           JOANNIE
               Mary, he sounds like a psycho!

                           MAGDA
               Would you hens quit ya cackling and 
               let her do what she wants to do.  
               Puffy liked him and Puffy's never 
               wrong.

     The girlfriends roll their eyes.

                           BRENDA
               Mary, the guy's full of shit.

                           MARY
               What if he's not? What if Tucker 
               just made an honest mistake?

                           LISA
               What if he didn't?

     It's clear that Mary is torn.

                           MARY
               I don't know how I can bail now, 
               he's going to be here any minute.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 82
     12-16-01                                                    


                           JOANNIE
               Well then blow him off when he gets 
               here.

                           MARY
               But you didn't meet him. He seems so 
               I don't know...perfect...kind of.

                           BRENDA
               He has a big cock, doesn't he?

     Mary shoots Brenda a look.

                           MAGDA
               Hey hey, what did you say Pat's last 
               name was?

                           MARY
               Healy.

     Magda's eyes almost come out of her head.

                           MAGDA
               I think you better listen to this.

     Magda turns up the volume on her scanner and we can clearly 
     hear Healy TALKING ON HIS CELLULAR PHONE. Mary and her 
     girlfriends gather around.

                           SULLY (V.O.)
               So where the hell are you, Healy?

                           HEALY (V.O.)
               Ah, I got a date tonight with that 
               Mary girl I told you about.

                           SULLY (V.O.)
               The sawbones?

                           HEALY (V.O.)
               Yep.

     The girls all look at one another.

                           BRENDA
               We hit the motherlode.

                           MARY
               We shouldn't be listening to this.

                           LISA AND JOANNIE
               Shhh.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 83
     12-16-01                                                    


                           SULLY (V.O.)
               She still think you're a fucking 
               architect?

                           HEALY (V.O.)
               Oh yeah.

                           SULLY (V.O.)
               Dumbshit.

                           LISA
               Mr. Perfect, huh?

     Mary starts to feel like a fool.

                           MARY
                    (edgy)
               Turn it up, Magda.

                           HEALY (V.O.)
               Hey, watch your mouth--she's a great 
               gal.  I'm the dumbshit for lying to 
               her.

                           SULLY (V.O.)
               Why didn't you just tell her the 
               truth?

                           HEALY (V.O.)
               I don't know. I guess...it just seems 
               that women today are more impressed 
               by the mighty buck than by some schmo 
               who spent the last seventeen years 
               scraping by on Peace Corp wages.

     The girls all seem moved by this.

81   INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT                                      81   

     Healy is parked out front, the phone in one hand, a SCRIPT 
     in the other, as he listens to Sully read the following words:

                           SULLY (V.O.)
               But Jesus, Pat, if she's as special 
               as you say, she's going to want to 
               hear about the things you did.

                           HEALY
                    (dismissing this)
               Ahh.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 84
     12-16-01                                                    


82   INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - SAME                                 82   

     A disheveled and wired-looking Sully is sitting on the couch 
     in his underwear READING FROM THE SAME SCRIPT. There's COKE 
     on the table, DOG SHIT on the floor, and FLIES everywhere.

     In the B.G. we see the Great Dane SNIFFING at his empty bowl 
     and the Boa Constrictor sprawled out on the floor, barely 
     moving.

                           SULLY
                    (reading)
               Come on, you could tell her about 
               the irrigation ditches you dug in 
               Sudan, the orphan babies who cried 
               in your arms in Romania...
                    (does a line of blow)
               ...the hope you gave Freddie the 
               leper in Calcutta...

     Suddenly the dog snatches the page out of his hand and STARTS 
     TO EAT IT.

     BACK ON Mary and friends.

                           JOANNIE
                    (welling up)
               I love this man.

     Magda folds her arms and gloats.

83   INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT                                      83   

                           HEALY
               Look, I did all those things for 
               myself.  I'll be honest with you, 
               I'm a selfish prick. I get a high 
               from helping all of God's creatures. 
               An honest to goodness high.

     Just then, Healy sees a bug on the car window and 
     instinctively squashes it.

     ON SULLY - he has the phone wedged between his cheek and 
     shoulder as he STRUGGLES with the dog to get the script.

     Sully still can't retrieve the script, nor his next line.

                           SULLY
                    (winging it)
               That's bullshit, man you, uh, you 
               were on the front line. Remember
                           (MORE)

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 85
     12-16-01                                                    


                           SULLY (CONT'D)
               the, uh, malaria the, uh, typhoon 
               fever that vicious strain of genital 
               herpes?

     ON MARY AND FRIENDS - they flinch at this.

     ON HEALY - he stares at the phone, horrified.

                           HEALY (V.O.)
               Uh, sure. I cured a lot of nasty 
               illnesses in third-world countries.

     ON MARY AND FRIENDS - as they let out a sigh.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               The bottom line is, I'm not going to 
               use my philanthropy as some form of 
               currency...especially after what I 
               did.
                    (SIGHS)
               I lied to this poor girl. Lied. man. 
               She deserved better.

                           SULLY (V.O.)
               Hey, love will make you do fucked-up 
               things.

                           HEALY (V.O.)
               You said it, mister.
                    (choking up)
               I gotta go.

     ON SULLY - as he HANGS UP the phone and does another line, 
     we PAN TO the Great Dane Hal as he looks around for something, 
     anything to eat. He SNIFFS at a sock, then a beer bottle, 
     before finally setting his sights on the Boa Constrictor 
     Bill. Bill glances the dog's way nervously, SENSES TROUBLE, 
     and wiggles his way into another room. As Hal TAKES OFF after 
     the snake, we

                                                          CUT TO:

84   INT. MARY'S HALLWAY - NIGHT                                   84   

     Healy starts to knock on Mary's door, but, before he can, 
     the door suddenly swings open revealing a beaming Mary.

                           HEALY
                    (startled)
               Oh Mary. Look, there's something I 
               have to tell you. I'm not-- 

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 86
     12-16-01                                                    


     Before he can finish, Mary steps forward and their mouths 
     meet in a passionate KISS.

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

     MONTAGE OF MARY AND HEALY COURTING

     --As Mary watches, Healy plays TOUCH FOOTBALL with Warren 
     and a few of his friends. Healy catches a pass then, trying 
     a little too hard to impress Mary, he delivers a forearm 
     shiver to his defender and gives Warren a vicious STRAIGHT-
     ARM. When Healy gets into the end zone he spikes the ball 
     and starts talking trash to another defender.

     --Healy shows up at Mary's door sporting a set of OVERSIZED 
     INCREDIBLY-WHITE CAPPED TEETH. He gives her a big horse smile 
     and she reacts uncertainly.

     --Healy is in Mary's apartment as Mary finishes dressing for 
     a night on the town.

                           MARY
               All set.

                           HEALY
               You look great.
                    (beat)
               Hey, Mare, do I have a rip in the 
               back of these pants?

     When she puts her head close to inspect his pants, he lets 
     fly a THUNDEROUS FART. She pulls her head away, repulsed, 
     but Healy just LAUGHS.

     --Mary and and the horse-toothed Healy are having dinner in 
     a romantic restaurant. As he eats he tells an animated story 
     but he's having trouble with the new choppers and chunks of 
     food are spraying out of his mouth with every word. Mary has 
     to BOB AND WEAVE to avoid being covered with debris.

     --Healy and Warren are playing monopoly. When Warren isn't 
     looking, Healy cheats and puts a couple hotels on Boardwalk. 
     In the b.g. we see one of Warren's buddies fall out of a 
     palm tree.

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

85   EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY                                   85   

     A lovesick Healy is mauling Mary out on the sidewalk in front 
     while Warren stands off to the side LISTENING TO A WALKMAN.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 87
     12-16-01                                                    


     REVERSE ANGLE reveals a devastated Ted and Dom watching this 
     from Ted's car.

                           TED
               Fuck me.
                    (sighs)
               Let's go home.

                           DOM
               No! You've gone through way too much 
               to back down now. Get over there and 
               do something--I can't stand watching 
               this.

     BACK ON MARY AND HEALY as Healy starts OVER-DOING IT and 
     Mary has to break it off.

                           MARY
               Whoa, whoa, how's my stomach taste?

     Healy LAUGHS.

                           HEALY
               How's my stomach taste, she says.
                    (shakes head)
               Hey thanks for picking up the lunch 
               tab, Mare. Sorry I forgot my wallet. 
               I feel like a dog.

                           MARY
               Forget it. It was...fun.

     ON TED AND DOM

     Ted recognizes Warren.

                           TED
               Holy shit, there's Warren.

     BACK ON MARY. HEALY, AND WARREN

     Suddenly we see Warren PERK UP at something.

                           WARREN
               Franks and beans!

     ON TED AND DOM

                           TED
               Jesus, I think her brother spotted 
               me.

     They both duck down in their seats.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 88
     12-16-01                                                    


     BACK ON MARY. HEALY. AND WARREN

                           WARREN
               Beans and franks.

                           MARY
               Give it a rest, War. You just ate.

                           HEALY
               Aw, leave him alone, he's just got a 
               big appetite.
                    (to Warren)
               Am I right?

     Healy winks at Mary.

                           WARREN
               Huh?

     Healy reaches over and lifts a headphone off Warren's ear.

                           HEALY
               I said you've got a big app--

     Suddenly Warren SUCKER-PUNCHES HEALY IN THE THROAT.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               Urrggghh...

                           MARY
               Warren!

     ON TED AND DOM - as they flinch.

                           DOM
               Attaboy!

     BACK ON MARY et al - Healy holds his throat, clearly in pain.

                           MARY
               Are you okay?

                           HEALY
                    (raspy, to Mary)
               Not to worry. So...see you tonight, 
               right? Right?

                           MARY
                    (cornered)
               Sure.

     Mary watches with a look of concern as Healy gets in his car 
     and drives off.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 89
     12-16-01                                                    


     ON TED AND DOM

     Ted stares gazily.

                           DOM
               Well? What are you waiting for?

                           TED
               I don't know what to say.

                           DOM
               Tell her the truth about Healy! Blow 
               the schmuck out of the water.

                           TED
               Are you crazy? I've unleashed a psycho 
               on her. She's gonna be fucking pissed.
                    (stares at Mary)
               She's even more beautiful than I 
               remember.

     THEIR POV - Mary and Warren start to go in the apartment.

                           DOM
               Get over there, you pussy! She's 
               leaving!

     Suddenly Dom HONKS THE HORN, then ducks down. Mary turns 
     around and sees Ted.

                           TED
               You asshole, what are you--
                    (CALLING OUT CHEERILY)
               Mary! Is that you?

                           MARY
                    (squinting)
               Who's that?

     Ted gets out of the car and hustles across the street toward 
     Mary.

                           TED
               It is you! It's me...Ted. From Rhode 
               Island Ted.

     Finally she recognizes him.

                           MARY
               Oh my God...Ted.
                    (big smile)
               What are you...? I can't believe 
               this. I haven't seen you since--

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 90
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TED
               Yup, that's right. Junior 
               prom...kinda.

                           MARY
               And did everything--?

                           TED
               Oh yeah, healed right up. No visible 
               scars.

     Mary LAUGHS.

                           TED (CONT'D)
               How are you doing, Warren?

                           WARREN
               Good, Ted. Piggy back ride?

                           TED
               I'm gonna take a rain check.

     Mary is stunned.

                           MARY
               I can't believe he remembered you. 
               He never remembers anybody.
                    (beat)
               You know I tried to call you for 
               weeks after that.

                           TED
               Really? I never got a message.

                           MARY
               That's weird. I talked to your brother 
               Jimmy five or six times.

     Ted is devastated to hear this.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               By the way, how's he doing?

                           TED
               He's dead.

                           MARY
                    (taken aback)
               Oh, Ted I'm so sorry to hear that.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 91
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TED
                    (bitter)
               No, it was a good thing.
                    (off her look)
               I mean, good in that it was very 
               quick.

     Ted pantomimes an explosion.

                           MARY
               Oh. So...what brings you down here?

                           TED
               Funny story. You see, me and a buddy 
               of mine decided to...ah...you 
               know...just ...drive down.

     She stares at him.

                           MARY
               Well you look great. Are you married, 
               do you have kids?

                           TED
               Nope, nope--dodged a few bullets.
                    (smiles)
               God, I cannot believe I'm standing 
               here with Mary Jenson.

                           MARY
               Actually, it's Mary Brooks now.

                           TED
                    (taken aback)
               Oh...are you...?

                           MARY
               Nope, haven't walked the plank yet.
                    (off his look)
               There was this guy back in college 
               who was bothering me...got kind of 
               ugly--a restraining order, the whole 
               bit. Anyway, when I got out of 
               Princeton I changed my name as a 
               precaution.

                           TED
               Jeez...that sounds awful. Hey, what 
               do you say we go out to dinner 
               tonight, catch up on old times?

     BEAT.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 92
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               Didn't we just do that?

     Ted doesn't know how to respond to this and then she smiles.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               I'm kidding. I'd really love to, 
               Ted, but the thing is I already have 
               plans. How about tomorrow night?

                           TED
               Mary, we haven't seen each other in 
               twelve years.
                    (beat)
               Don't make me wait another day.

     Mary seems touched by this.

                           MARY
               Tell me where you're staying. I'll 
               pick you up at eight.

     TED FINALLY SMILES AND WE

                                                          CUT TO:

86   INT. HEALY'S CAR - TWILIGHT                                   86   

     A content Healy is parked out front of Mary's apartment, 
     absently listening to her spill her guts to Magda while he 
     reads the newspaper.

                           MAGDA (V.O.)
               I'm buying bananas tonight.

                           MARY (V.O.)
               Why?

                           MAGDA (V.O.)
               Back when I was your age I always 
               used to make myself a big banana 
               split after sex. I think you're gonna 
               need one tonight.

                           MARY (V.O.)
               Don't get ahead of yourself. You'll 
               probably need it before I will.

87   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME                                  87   

     Mary is skipping around the apartment while Magda sits on 
     the couch.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 93
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MAGDA
               Don't bet on it. Last time I had a 
               pap smear the guy needed leather 
               gloves and an oyster shucker.

                           MARY
               So maybe I could find a nice gentleman 
               to take you to the movies.

                           MAGDA
               Knock it off, Pollyanna, just 'cause 
               you're in love doesn't mean everyone 
               else has to be.

                           MARY
               Love? Come on, I wouldn't call it 
               love.

                           MAGDA
               Oh no? I ain't seen you beaming like 
               this since you broke ninety on the 
               Blue Monster.

     BACK ON HEALY - he's reveling in it all.

                           MARY (V.O. )
               Well I am pretty psyched. I ran into 
               a guy today I hadn't seen since high 
               school.

     Healy loses the smile and sits up.

                           MAGDA (V.O.)
               An old flame?

                           MARY (V.O.)
               Kind of. Ted Peloquin--one of the 
               sweetest guys in the world.

     Healy TURNS UP THE VOLUME.

     ON MARY

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               He was so shy and clumsy...I had a 
               major crush on him.

     BACK ON HEALY as he nearly puts his head through the roof. 
     He grabs hold of the steering wheel and pounds his head on 
     it.

                           HEALY
               No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 94
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               We're gonna go out tonight. Oh, that 
               reminds me, I've got to call what's-
               his-face and cancel.

     ON MARY

                           MAGDA
               Do I sense a chill in the air?

     Mary sits down.

                           MARY
               Oh, Magda, I let my head get in the 
               way of my love life. I always pick 
               guys on what I feel in here.
                    (pats heart)
               But with this Pat guy my head kept 
               saying "Grow up, Mary. You have a 
               lot in common with this one, you'll 
               grow to feel something for him." But 
               it never happened.

     ON HEALY - he couldn't look more crushed. Suddenly his 
     cellular phone RINGS. He stares at it for TWO, THREE, FOUR 
     RINGS.

     Panic-stricken. Then he answers it.

                           HEALY
                    (jovial voice)
               Hey, Patty-boy here. Sorry I missed 
               ya, but I'm out rustling up some 
               champagne and roses in preparation 
               for the greatest birthday of my life. 
               Hope you and yours are having a good 
               day, too.

     Healy makes a BEEP sound and then holds his breath.

     ON MARY - she stares at the phone, feeling cornered.

                           MARY
               Uh, hi Pat, it's me, Mary. Just wanted 
               to say I'm...looking forward to 
               tonight.

     She hangs up.

                           MAGDA
               You vicious bitch, how do you sleep 
               at night?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 95
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               I can't do it--I just found out it's 
               his birthday.
                    (sighs)
               I guess I've gotta cancel on Ted.

     ON HEALY - he blows imaginary smoke off an imaginary gun. 
     Then he sits back and smugly listens to her DIAL THE PHONE. 
     But then he hears something that concerns him--a KNOCK on 
     the door and the dog

     YAPPING.

     ON MARY - she puts down the phone and answers the door. It's 
     Tucker, the architect.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
                    (surprised)
               Tucker...come on in.

     BACK ON HEALY pulling his hair out. He's on an emotional 
     roller coaster heading downhill.

                           MAGDA (V.O.)
               Well look who's here.

     BACK TO MARY'S APARTMENT - Tucker is carrying an unopened 
     BOTTLE OF SCOTCH and absently flicking the YAPPING pooch off 
     his ankles.

                           TUCKER
               There she is--I brought you a little 
               thirst-quencher, Mag.

                           MAGDA
               Oh, you are sweet.

                           TUCKER
               No, I'm not. I just want to get you-
               drunk so you'll pass out and I can 
               have my way with Mary.

     Everyone LAUGHS.

                           MARY
               Can I pour you one?

                           TUCKER
               Thanks, but I've got to be going.  
               Unfortunately, Doc, this isn't a 
               social visit.

     Tucker's tone shifts and Mary grows concerned.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 96
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               What's up?

                           TUCKER
               Well...I've got a little more news 
               about your friend Healy.

     Mary seems relieved.

                           MARY
               I know what you're going to say, but 
               he already told me everything. I 
               know he's not an architect.

     Tucker pulls out a piece of paper.

                           TUCKER
               I think you'd better sit down.

                           MARY
               Tucker, I appreciate you doing all 
               this, but I'm really strapped for 
               time here and--

                           TUCKER
               Mary, the man's a killer.

     ON HEALY - he can't believe his ears.

     BACK ON MARY - as she lowers herself onto the couch.

                           MARY
                    (stunned)
               What...?

                           TUCKER
               I've got a friend in the Boston police 
               department. He faxed me this this 
               morning.  I'll just give you the 
               highlights.
                    (reading from rap 
                    sheet)
               After a short stint as a petty thief, 
               Patrick R. Healy graduated to armed 
               robbery by the age of fourteen. At 
               sixteen he committed his first murder--
               a pretty teacher's aid named Molly 
               Pettygrove. He was incarcerated until 
               age twenty-two when, despite a grim 
               psychological profile, the state was 
               forced to release him. In his mid-
               twenties and again in his early
                           (MORE)

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 97
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TUCKER (CONT'D)
               thirties he was suspected of homicides 
               in the states of Utah and Washington.  
               Unfortunately, the bodies were so 
               badly decomposed that there wasn't 
               enough evidence to hold him, and on 
               and on and so forth and so on.

     Mary looks like she's going to throw up.

     ON HEALY - he listens intently, his face ashen.

                           MARY (V.O.)
               Holy shit...

                           MAGDA (V.O.)
               Puffy, get over here.

     We hear the PITTER-PATTER of the dog's nails on the floor, 
     then a LOUD THUMP followed by a YELP.

     ON MARY

                           MARY
               Magda!

                           MAGDA
               The little shit lied to me about 
               that guy!

     Mary picks up the startled dog and pets him.

                           MARY
                    (growing emotional)
               I can't believe this is happening. 
               I'm supposed to be meeting him in an 
               hour.

                           TUCKER
               Okay, just calm down. It's going to 
               be okay.

     Tucker puts his arms around her.

                           MAGDA
               Why you two never hooked up is beyond 
               me.

     Mary looks fondly at Tucker.

                           MARY
               Magda's right, I'm so lucky to have 
               you in my life.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 98
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TUCKER
               Don't get all gooey on me now, you'll 
               give me a big head.
                    (smiles)
               The important thing, Doctor, is you've 
               got to distance yourself as much as 
               possible without pissing this psycho 
               off.

                           MARY
               Yeah, yeah. Okay, I think I know 
               what to do. I'll call him right now.

     BACK ON HEALY - he looks stunned. His cellular PHONE RINGS. 
     He stares at it, then picks it up.

                           HEALY
               Hi, I'm out drinking champagne and 
               roses...and I'm really happy. Leave 
               a message. BEEP.

                           MARY (V.O.)
                    (nervous)
               Uh, hey buddy. Oh boy, am I pissed. 
               You're not going to believe this--
               well, you'll believe it, there's no 
               reason not to--but I just got beeped 
               for emergency surgery.  Well, um, 
               sorry, but I'm going to have to bail 
               on you.

     As we hear a CLICK, Healy stares at the cell phone, seething.

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

88   EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER                        88   

     Tucker comes out the front door, looks around, then walks 
     off down the sidewalk.

     ANGLE ACROSS THE STREET - on Healy, his steely gaze fixed on 
     Tucker.

                           HEALY
                    (under breath)
               You're gonna pay, fucker.

     Healy discreetly pulls out and slowly follows Tucker in his 
     car.

     BACK ON TUCKER - He continues down the sidewalk, looking 
     back once or twice, apprehensive. He rounds a corner, then 
     stops next to an OLD FORD PINTO. He looks around nervously

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary                p. 99
     12-16-01                                                    


     again. Then Tucker DUCKS INTO THE DRIVER'S SEAT and DRIVES 
     OFF. Healy pulls into traffic and follows.

                                                          CUT TO:

89   INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT                                       89   

     Dom's mixing a drink while Ted paces nervously.

                           TED
               Oh God, I'm fucking nervous. I don't 
               know if I'm ready for this, man.

                           DOM
               Just relax. Have you hit the cash 
               machine?

                           TED
                    (pats his back pocket)
               Got cash.

                           DOM
               Car clean? Plenty of gas?

                           TED
               Check.

                           DOM
               Mints?

                           TED
               Copped a tin of Altoids at the car 
               wash.

     Dom nods, satisfied.

                           DOM
               Okay, sounds like you're all set. 
               Just clean the pipes and it's a go.

                           TED
               Hm?

                           DOM
               You know, clean the pipes.

                           TED
               Pipes? What are you talking about?

                           DOM
               You jerk off before all big dates, 
               right?  Tell me you jerk off before 
               your big dates.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 100
     12-16-01                                                    


     Ted just stares at him.

                           DOM (CONT'D)
                    (incredulous)
               You don't jerk off before--?! Are 
               you crazy?! That's like going out 
               there with a loaded gun. No wonder 
               you're nervous!

     Ted considers this.

                           DOM (CONT'D)
               Think about it: After you've had sex 
               with a girl and the two of you are 
               laying in bed, are you nervous?

                           TED
               No.

     Dom shrugs...Duh.

                           DOM
               Why's that?

                           TED
               I'm usually too tired to be.

     Dom makes a game-show BUZZER sound.

                           DOM
               Wrong. It's because you ain't got 
               the baby batter in your brain any 
               more. That'll fuck with your head, 
               that stuff will.

                           TED
                    (starting to believe)
               Huh.

                           DOM
               The most honest moment in a man's 
               life is the five minutes after he's 
               blown a load.  That's a medical fact. 
               And it's because you're no longer 
               trying to get laid. You're actually 
               thinking like a girl. They love that.

                           TED
               Jesus Christ you're right.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 101
     12-16-01                                                    


                           DOM
               You bet your ass I'm right. You don't 
               go out with a loaded gun, you empty 
               the barrels!

                           TED
                    (shakes his head)
               Holy shit, I've been going out with 
               a loaded gun!

                           DOM
               People get hurt that way.

                                                          CUT TO:

90   EXT. HOTEL - EVENING                                          90   

     Dom walks out of the lobby just as another cab arrives and 
     Mary gets out. He sees and her and ducks behind a bush as 
     she walks past him.

91   INT. TED'S HOTEL BATHROOM - SAME                              91   

     Ted has a newspaper splayed out on the counter (open to the 
     bra ads) as he furiously FLOGS THE DOLPHIN (chest-high side 
     view.) We see some balled-up tissue nearby. After several 
     frantic strokes, he takes a deep breath and slowly and loudly 
     EXHALES, clearly having COMPLETED HIS MISSION.

     He draws a few more breaths, picks up a face cloth, and goes 
     to clean up.

     But something's missing: The Load. Ted looks down, checks 
     his hands, pants, shoes, looks in the sink, finally glances 
     at the ceiling, with no luck.

     The Load IS MISSING!!!!

     That's when the doorbell RINGS. Ted couldn't look more 
     HORRIFIED.

     As he buckles his pants, he makes a last, panicky 
     reconnaissance of the area. The doorbell RINGS AGAIN and Ted 
     reluctantly goes to answer it.

92   INT. TED'S HOTEL ROOM - SAME                                  92   

     Ted opens the door and Mary is standing there looking as 
     lovely as ever.

                           TED
               Hey.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 102
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               Hi, Ted.

                           TED
               You look great.

                           MARY
               Thanks.

     She notices something.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               What's that?

                           TED
               Hm?

                           MARY
               On your ear, you've got something.

     MARY'S POV - a HUGE LOAD is hanging off of Ted's earlobe 
     like a drop earring.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               It looks like a gob of...

     Mary leans forward for a closer look. Ted is terrified.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
                    (making face)
               Is that....hair gel?

     BEAT.

                           TED
               Sure.

                           MARY
               Oh great, I ran out.

     Before Ted can stop her, Mary grabs The Load off his ear and 
     WIPES IT IN HER BANGS.

                                                          CUT TO:

93   EXT. UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT                             93   

     Healy is still following Tucker in his car. Finally Tucker 
     stops in front of a lavish Victorian home and gets out 
     carrying a pizza and wearing a PIZZA DELIVERY HAT.

     Healy SCREECHES to a sideways stop, jumps out and POUNCES ON 
     HIM.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 103
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY
               You motherfucker, you're a dead man!

     Tucker drops the pizza as Healy SLAMS HIM into a tree.

                           TUCKER
                    (cowering)
               Okay, Pat, take it easy--don't do 
               anything stupid.

                           HEALY
               Who the fuck do you think you are 
               making up that bullshit about me?!

     Healy SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE TREE AGAIN.

                           TUCKER
               Whoa, whoa--I don't know what you're 
               talking about.

                           HEALY
               Maybe this'll jog your memory.

     Healy SLAPS him across the face.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               I'll give you a hint--it's got 
               something to do with me being a 
               murderer.

     Healy raises his arm again and Tucker tries to shield himself.

                           TUCKER
               Okay, okay, I might've gotten some 
               bad information.

     Healy grabs him by the collar.

                           HEALY
               That stalker Ted got to you, right?  
               You're working for him, aren't you, 
               you little shit?

                           TUCKER
               Who?

     Healy throws Tucker to the ground and takes off his sport 
     coat.

                           HEALY
               This is your last chance, you fuck. 
               Now either you come clean or I'm
                           (MORE)

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 104
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               going to kick your ass from here to 
               Tallahassee.

     Healy grabs Tucker by the hair and cocks his arm.

                           TUCKER
               I LOVE HER, OKAY?!

     Tucker suddenly gets emotional. Healy stops and looks at 
     him.

                           HEALY
               You what?

                           TUCKER
               You heard me, goddamnit. I...I love 
               her.

     Healy slowly lets go.

                           TUCKER (CONT'D)
               I'm a phony--just like you, man.

                           HEALY
               What do you mean?

                           TUCKER
               I mean I'm a fucking fraud. I'm no 
               architect. Don't be a putz--who's 
               been to Santiago twice in a year?
                    (scoffing)
               Estadio Olimpico--please!

                           HEALY
               But...but you knew people at Harvard.

                           TUCKER
               I knew shit. The only thing I knew 
               was that you were a fake and I made 
               up everything else.
                    (sighs)
               My real name's Norm. I deliver pizzas.

                           HEALY
               Bullshit!

     Tucker rolls his eyes and pulls out his PIZZA DELIVERY BADGE, 
     with him pictured beside the name Norman Plante. As Healy 
     let's this sink in, we

                                                          CUT TO:

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 105
     12-16-01                                                    


94   INT. BAR - NIGHT                                              94   

     Ted's rolling a little wine around in a glass. He takes a 
     sip, nods his approval.

                           TED
               Thanks, that's great.

     The WAITER turns to Mary.

                           WAITER
               Madame?

     ANGLE ON MARY - The light, puffy bangs that Mary started the 
     night with are gone, replaced by a glazed, ACE VENTURA-STYLE 
     WAVE up front.

                           MARY
               Thank you.

     The waiter pours her a glass and leaves.

                           TED
               Now by killer, you mean...?

                           MARY
               I mean he murdered someone and did 
               time back in Boston. The guy's a 
               freak.

                           TED
                    (stunned)
               Jeez, Mary...I'm...

                           MARY
               Well, lucky for me I found out. Thank 
               God I have friends like Tucker.
                    (beat)
               Look, I'm sick of talking about 
               stalkers.
                    (big smile)
               Let's talk about you.

                                                          CUT TO:

95   INT. ANOTHER BAR - NIGHT                                      95   

     Healy and Tucker are bonding over a beer.

                           TUCKER
               ...So then in '94 I went back to 
               Dade Community College for a semester
                           (MORE)

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 106
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TUCKER (CONT'D)
               and when the Wal-Mart cashier job 
               fell through I hooked up with the 
               Pizza Barn.

                           HEALY
               And you met Mary how?

                           TUCKER
               Just dumb luck. I delivered a pie to 
               her one night and she answered the 
               door in her nightgown--that was it 
               for me. I went home that night, shaved 
               my beard, and a week later I was 
               laid out in her office with a broken 
               back.

                           HEALY
               How'd you manage that one?

                           TUCKER
                    (matter-of-factly)
               Friend. Baseball bat.

                           HEALY
               Nice.

                           TUCKER
               Oh yeah, the plan was going along 
               just fine until you showed up.

                           HEALY
               Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the one who 
               started telling bald-faced lies about 
               the competition--that's crossing the 
               line!

                           TUCKER
               What line? The day you first laid 
               your oily rap on my future wife you 
               started a war!

                           HEALY
               Future wife? Get real, man--you're 
               nothing more than a glorified brother 
               in her eyes.

                           TUCKER
               Why you son of a--

     Tucker grabs Healy by the jacket.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 107
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY
               Okay, calm down, calm down--the bottom 
               line is neither of us are going to 
               get her if we don't do something 
               about that headcase she's with now.

     As Tucker slowly releases him, we

                                                          CUT TO:

96   EXT. DRIVING RANGE - NIGHT                                    96   

     Ted and Mary are eating CORNDOGS at the snack bar.

                           MARY
               You hit the ball pretty good for a 
               fourteen.

                           TED
                    (shrugging)
               No short game.

     She smiles.

                           MARY
               We should play some time...I mean, 
               if you can afford to lose some money.

                           TED
                    (smiling)
               What are you?

                           MARY
               Twenty-two.

                           TED
               Bullshit, a twenty-two doesn't carry 
               a one-iron--don't sandbag me, lady.

     Mary smiles coyly.

                           MARY
               Okay, sometimes I'm a nineteen.

                           TED
               That's more like it.
                    (to Counter-Man)
               Two more nitrate-sicles please.

                           COUNTER-MAN
               You got it.

     Mary is amused by this.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 108
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               Nitrate-sicles--I like that.

                           TED
               I say they should put more meats on 
               a stick, you know? They got a lot of 
               sweets on sticks--popsicles, 
               fudgesicles, lollipops--but hardly 
               any meat.

                           MARY
               I agree there should be more.

     The Counter-Man hands each of them another corndog.

                           TED
               You know what I'd like to see? Meat 
               in a cone. You could put corned beef 
               hash in a cone, or chopped liver.

                           MARY
               I like it. And think of the toppings--
               cheese, mushrooms, mint jelly

                           TED
               Not to mention ketchup and hot 
               peppers.

     They smile at one another.

                           MARY
               It's too bad you don't live down 
               here, Ted.

                           TED
                    (pleased)
               Yeah?

                           MARY
               We've got a lot in common.

     Ted takes a chance.

                           TED
               Well...why don't you move back?

                           MARY
               Ah, my roots here are too deep. I 
               love my practice, the people I work 
               with, Warren's got a nice thing going
                    (joking)
               Why don't you just move down here 
               and marry me?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 109
     12-16-01                                                    


     Mary smiles and Ted LAUGHS...perhaps a little too hard.

                                                          CUT TO:

97   EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                                 97   

     Ted and Mary are sitting on her front stoop SMOKING A BONE.

                           MARY
               So you're a writer?

                           TED
               Trying to be.

                           MARY
               Well good for you. I bet it works 
               out for you.

                           TED
               We'll see. If it doesn't, what the 
               hell, at least I gave it a shot.

                           MARY
               That's right. And the good thing is 
               you can do it anywhere.

                           TED
               What about you, Mare? How the hell'd 
               you manage to stay single?

                           MARY
               I don't know...My friends think I'm 
               too picky. I think I'm just a weirdo 
               magnet. I did come close once--just 
               last year, in fact. There was this 
               guy he lived in San Francisco.

     ANGLE ON the corner of building. We see Healy and Tucker 
     SPYING ON THEM from the shadows.

                           TUCKER
                    (WHISPERING)
               That stalkin' son-of-a-bitch!

                           HEALY
               Fucking sickening.

     Healy and Tucker duck back into the alley.

                                                          CUT TO:

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 110
     12-16-01                                                    


98   EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - NIGHT                                     98   

     Healy is throwing DOGGIE TREATS through an open THIRD-FLOOR

     WINDOW.

99   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME                                  99   

     We hear the TELEVISION and see Magda DOZING on the couch 
     with a watery COCKTAIL IN HER HAND and the dog Puffy at her 
     feet.

     Suddenly a DOGGIE TREAT flies through the window, landing on 
     the rug. Puffy SNAPS TO ATTENTION and approaches the treat.  
     He sniffs it, then GOBBLES IT UP. ANOTHER doggie treat lands 
     beside him and he eats that, too. Then ANOTHER.

100   EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - SAME                                    100   

     Tucker keeps throwing the treats up and Healy looks concerned.

                           HEALY
               How many is that?

                           TUCKER
               Four.

                           HEALY
               That seems like a lot of speed for a 
               little pooch--you sure it won't kill 
               him?

                           TUCKER
               I never said that.

     As Tucker throws another...

101   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME                                101   

     The doggie treat LANDS IN MAGDA'S COCKTAIL, waking her up. 
     Magda looks around, gets her bearings, and then DOWNS THE 
     DRINK!

                                                          CUT TO:

102   EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - SAME                       102   

     Mary and Ted, still sitting on the stoop. Mary seems a little 
     reflective.

                           MARY
               ... and then it was all over.
                           (MORE)

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 111
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY (CONT'D)
                    (SIGHS)
               We haven't spoken since.

                           TED
                    (sincere)
               Wow. That's too bad. He sounds almost 
               perfect.

                           MARY
               Yeah...almost.
                    (beat)
               You want to come up and watch 
               Sportscenter?

                           TED
               Uh no. I think I'm gonna get out 
               while I'm ahead.

     Mary looks a little disappointed.

                           MARY
               Ted...you're not that far ahead.

                           TED
               Look, Mary, the truth is...I'll be 
               in town for a while now but I don't 
               think we should see each other for a 
               few weeks.

                           MARY
                    (alarmed)
               Why not?

                           TED
               Well...to be honest....I'm really 
               crazy about you and it's making me 
               nervous and when I get nervous I'm 
               not myself and I'm afraid I'm going 
               to doing something really dumb before 
               we get started so I think I should 
               just lay back until I regain my 
               composure.

     Mary sort of smiles.

                           MARY
               That's really sweet, Ted, but you 
               should save it for one of your books.

                           TED
               All right, let's go.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 112
     12-16-01                                                    


     Ted jumps up and starts up the stairs two at a time.

103   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                               103   

     As Ted and Mary ENTER, we see Magda HOLDING UP THE COUCH 
     with one hand and VACUUMING WITH THE OTHER.

     Mary doesn't know what to make of it.

                           MARY
               Magda, what are you doing?

     Magda turns off the vacuum and we hear a BANGING SOUND coupled 
     with the O.S. MUFFLED YAPPING of Puffy.

                           MAGDA
               Oh, hi hon. Just straightening up.

                           MARY
               Where's Puffy?

                           MAGDA
               Ah, he was being a pest so I put him 
               in the bathroom.

     As the O.S. YAPPING AND BANGING continues, Magda PICKS UP 
     THE TELEVISION and starts DUSTING the TV stand.

                           MARY
                    (to Ted, concerned)
               Um, Ted, I need a moment with Magda--
               would you let the dog out of the 
               bathroom.

                           TED
               Yeah, sure.

     Ted walks down the hall, following the YAPPING AND BANGING 
     SOUND until he comes to the bathroom door. The YAPPING is 
     MUCH LOUDER now and he NOTICES SOMETHING THAT MAKES HIM 
     HESITATE.

     TED'S POV - THE BOTTOM PART OF THE DOOR IS BEING DENTED 
     OUTWARD

     from the force of something BATTERING IT FROM WITHIN.

                           TED (CONT'D)
                    (CALLING out)
               Uh, Mare, what kind of dog is Puffy?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 113
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY (O.S.)
                    (CALLING out)
               Toy poodle!

     Ted thinks about this, shrugs, and opens the door.

     BARING HIS TEETH like a Rottweiler, Puffy SPRINGS at Ted's 
     jugular!

104   INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS                        104   

     Ted stumbles back into the living room with the hopped-up 
     dog ON HIS FACE. He KNOCKS OVER A LAMP, tumbles onto the 
     floor, and fights for his life.

     Mary and Magda SCREAM as Ted and Puffy mix it up on the floor. 
     Ted tries to CRAWL TOWARD THE DOOR but Puffy GRABS THE CUFF 
     OF HIS PANTS.

     DOOR POV of Ted's anguished face as he gets pulled back into 
     the room.

     Ted manages to GET THE DOG IN A HEADLOCK.

                           MAGDA
               Stop it, you're hurting him!

                           TED
                    (out of breath)
               Tell him...to calm down.

     Puffy gets a piece of Ted's wrist and Ted SCREAMS and drops 
     him.

     Both man and toy poodle SPRING TO THEIR FEET.

     They start CIRCLING ONE ANOTHER. Puffy leaps at Ted and Ted 
     SMACKS HIM into a wall. Unfazed, the dog gets a running start 
     and LEAPS

     AT TED'S NECK.

     Ted manages to duck and PUFFY FLIES OUT THE OPEN WINDOW!

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

105   EXT MIAMI STREET - DAY                                      105   

     MONTAGE OF TED AND MARY FALLING IN LOVE

     --Ted and Warren are at the top of a giant WATER SLIDE

     Warren motions that he has decided this is not for him.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 114
     12-16-01                                                    


     Ted shoots him a look that makes Warren feel like a sissy. 
     Convinced it's not too dangerous, Warren decides to go for 
     it and Ted follows.

     --At the bottom of the slide Ted splashes into the huge

     pool of water, laughing, having a blast. Then he looks 
     around...no sign of Warren. Concerned, Ted dives underwater 
     and a moment later Resurfaces clutching a GASPING Warren.

106   EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY                                     106   

     --Mary pumps Warren's stomach as he coughs water out of

     his mouth. Ted looks on sheepishly.

107   EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY                                     107   

     Ted and Warren walk down a city sidewalk. As they pass a 
     shop Warren points to the window excitedly.

     THEIR POV

     In the window there is a mannequin dressed in a Super-hero 
     outfit, i.e. a generic superman.

     Warren then pulls Ted into the store.

                                                          CUT TO:

108   EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY                                     108   

     Ted comes out followed by a beaming Warren dressed in the 
     Super-Hero outfit. They continue walking again and a few 
     steps later Warren excitedly points to another shop window.

     THEIR POV

     In the window is a mannequin dressed in a cowboy outfit, 
     i.e. Lone Ranger (hat, badge, holster, chaps, vest, boots, 
     spurs, etc.)

     Again, Warren pulls Ted into the store.

                                                          CUT TO:

109   EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY                                     109   

     Mary is window shopping with a few bags in hand. She turns 
     and reacts amused.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 115
     12-16-01                                                    


     HER POV

     Warren is now dressed in the cowboy outfit and a humiliated 
     Ted follows dressed in the loose fitting Super-hero outfit.

110   EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY                              110   

     --Ted and Mary are walking arm and arm on a SCENIC PIER

     where PEOPLE ARE FISHING. Right behind them are Magda and 
     Herb (the Homeless guy) enjoying one another's company. Ted 
     is on top of the world, feeling good, looking good-right up 
     until he gets the HOOK IN HIS MOUTH. Suddenly he gets YANKED 
     OUT OF FRAME.

111   EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY                              111   

     --Ted is FLOPPING AROUND on the pavement and a FISHERMAN

     has his FOOT ON HIS FACE as he STRUGGLES TO REMOVE THE HOOK. 
     Mary looks on, concerned.

112   EXT. GROCERY STORE - MIAMI - DAY                            112   

     --Ted and Mary come out of the grocery store each

     HOLDING A COUPLE BAGS. Ted also is CARRYING PUFFY, IN A 
     BODYCAST. Ted PUTS PUFFY ON THE ROOF, then starts putting 
     the groceries in the back seat.

113   EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY                                 113   

     --Mary pulls her car up in front of her apartment. AS

     Ted gets out of the passenger's side, he notices that PUFFY 
     IS STILL ON THE ROOF. He quickly GRABS PUFFY before Mary 
     notices.

114   EXT. BATTING CAGE - MIAMI - DAY                             114   

     --Warren is futilely taking swings in a BATTING CAGE

     while Mary looks on helplessly. Finally Ted goes into the 
     cage, SIGNALS THE GUY TO STOP THE PITCHING MACHINE, and MOVES 
     WARREN A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PLATE.

     --A distraught Ted SITS SOMBERLY on a bench. Beside him, 
     Mary comforts Warren whose LEFT EYE IS BLACK AND BLUE AND 
     COMPLETELY CLOSED.

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 116
     12-16-01                                                    


115   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY                                 115   

     Ted shows up at Mary's apartment door carrying a BOUQUET OF 
     FLOWERS and a BASEBALL. When he KNOCKS, the door opens.

116   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS                          116   

     Ted peeks around the corner and sees a SOMBER Mary sitting 
     on the couch.

                           TED
                    (chipper)
               Hey.

     Mary doesn't look up. Ted ENTERS, revealing his gifts.

                           TED (CONT'D)
               The flowers are for you and the ball's 
               for Warren. I had a friend of mine 
               Fedex it to me--it's signed by Tony 
               Conigliaro.

     Mary finally looks up but doesn't smile.

                           MARY
               Did you hire Pat Healy to follow me 
               around?

     Ted tries to hide his horror.

                           TED
                    (lamely)
               What do you mean?

     Mary picks up a letter off the coffee table and hands it to 
     him.

     Ted takes a quick look and then drops it on the table.

                           MARY
               It's not true...right, Ted?

     Ted CLEARS HIS THROAT.

                           TED
               Well, funny story there. You see, 
               uh, it started out as a 
               uh...yeah...it's true.  

     Mary stands up.

                           MARY
               Get out.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 117
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TED
               Wait, hold on, Mary--it's not as bad 
               as it sounds. I certainly didn't 
               know--

                           MARY
               That you put a murderer on my trail?

                           TED
               Well yeah, I didn't know much about 
               him.  I just thought--

                           MARY
               What did you think, Ted? That you 
               could spy on me and trick me into 
               thinking you were someone I 
               could...really go for?

     Mary starts to get emotional.

                           TED
               Mary, I swear I wasn't trying to 
               trick you.

                           MARY
               Then what the fuck did you do it 
               for?

                           TED
               I did it because because I'd never 
               stopped thinking about you and if I 
               didn't find you I knew my life would 
               never be good again.

     Mary looks away.

                           MARY
                    (softly)
               Please leave.

                           TED
                    (devastated)
               Mary, come on...

                           MARY
               Go!

                           TED
                    (beat)
               Okay.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 118
     12-16-01                                                    


     And so Ted does.

                                                          CUT TO:

117   EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY                        117   

     Ted comes out of the building, a broken man. He paces back 
     and forth on the sidewalk, manic with despair. Then he seems 
     to grow angry. He rifles through his pockets until he finds 
     a SLIP OF PAPER.

     TED'S POV - the paper reads: 'Healy's Miami address--229 
     Court Street, apt. 43.'

118   INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY                               118   

     Ted walks down a rather dark hallway until he comes to 
     apartment 43. He KNOCKS on the door but no one answers. He 
     tries the handle and THE DOOR OPENS.

119   INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS                         119   

     Ted ENTERS and immediately reacts to the STENCH.

     REVERSE ANGLE reveals that the place is a fucking PIG-STY. 
     DOG SHIT is everywhere, FLIES fill the room, a MOUSE scampers 
     across the carpet.

                           TED
               Hello...?

     No answer. Suddenly he HEARS SOMEONE out in the hall, so he 
     ducks behind the door.

     Healy and Tucker ENTER the apartment and stop in their tracks 
     when they see the MESS.

                           HEALY
               Ho-ly shit.

                           TUCKER
               Hey, this is a pretty nice place.

                           HEALY
               Sully...! What the fuck happened 
               here?!

     Again, no answer. Suddenly Ted SLAMS THE DOOR shut and grabs 
     Healy by the collar.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
                    (alarmed)
               Hey, hey, hey!

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 119
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TED
               Surprised?

                           TUCKER
               Hey, buddy, don't do anything rash 
               now.

                           TED
                    (to Tucker)
               Who the fuck are you?

                           HEALY
               He's in love with Mary, too.

     Ted releases Healy and glares at him.

                           TED
               You fucked me, man? Why would you do 
               that?

                           HEALY
                    (righteous)
               What do you mean 'why'?

                           TED
               Answer the question, shitball.

                           TUCKER
               I think everybody could use a drink.

     Tucker goes into the kitchen.

                           HEALY
               Look, you asked me to follow your 
               girl around, and I did and I started 
               to like her, and then I realized I 
               just couldn't in good conscience do 
               it.

                           TED
                    (amazed)
               Do what?

                           HEALY
               Turn her over to a stalker.

                           TED
               What?! You're calling me a stalker?

                           HEALY
               That's right--if you weren't you 
               would've looked for her yourself!

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 120
     12-16-01                                                    


     Suddenly they hear a SOUND and turn to see Bill the Boa 
     slithering into the room with A HUGE, GREAT-DANE-SIZE LUMP 
     in his midsection.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
                    (sickened)
               Oh Christ...poor dog.

                           TED
               You're a sick man, you know that?

                           HEALY
               Yeah well fuck you! You just can't 
               stand the fact that it was my turn.

                           TED
               Your turn?

                           HEALY
                    (getting emotional)
               That's right, hot shot! My turn. 
               What's the matter with me, huh? Why 
               can't I ever get the great girl?  
               Give the big pig with the B.O. to 
               Healy, right? Well I was sick of it, 
               man! No more--it was my turn. It was 
               time for me...time for me...to be 
               happy.

     This is so pathetic that it actually gets to Ted. He sits 
     down, runs his fingers through his hair.

                           TED
               Well you didn't have to blow us both 
               out of the water. Jesus Christ, just 
               because she found out about you, 
               why'd you have to take me down with 
               you?

                           HEALY
               I don't know what you're talking 
               about.

                           TED
               I'm talking about the letter, asshole.

                           HEALY
               What?

     Ted stares at him.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 121
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TED
               Are you telling me you didn't send 
               Mary a letter outlining our deal?

                           HEALY
               Why the fuck would I do that? I'd be 
               screwing myself.

     The guys stare at one another, then Tucker comes out the 
     kitchen with a drink. They turn their attention to him.

                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               You little fuck.

                           TUCKER
               What?

                           HEALY
               You fucking prick, we had a deal--
               you said you wouldn't fuck me and I 
               wouldn't fuck you until we had this 
               fuck out of the fucking picture.
                    (moves in on Tucker)
               You crossed the line, man.

     Tucker backs away nervously.

                           TUCKER
               Whoa, whoa, you're getting crazy 
               now. Why would I cross the line--
               what do you think I got no pride?

     Healy grabs Tucker by the neck.

                           TUCKER (CONT'D)
               I swear! I didn't tell her nothing! 
               You probably did it yourself, you 
               piece of shit.

                           HEALY
               Oh that makes a lot of sense. Why 
               would I rat myself out?

                           TUCKER
               Like I'm going to try to figure out 
               a guy who's idea of courting is 
               blowing farts in the chick's face

                           HEALY
               You were following us?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 122
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TUCKER
               Don't flatter yourself--I was 
               following her, I always do. How the 
               hell you think I got rid of Mary's 
               boyfriend Steve?

     This gets Ted's attention.

                           TED
               You mean...Steve didn't say all that 
               stuff about Warren?

                           TUCKER
               Are you shitting me--Mr. Goody-Two-
               Shoes?  He was like a fucking eagle 
               scout. You two should be kissing my 
               balls--if it wasn't for me, she 
               might've married that schmuck!

     Ted thinks about this.

                           TED
               The hell with you both--I'm out of 
               here.

     Ted walks out the door leaving Healy and Tucker to stare 
     each other down. Just then Hal the Great Dane walks out of 
     the bedroom with a CEREAL BOX stuck on his head. Healy does 
     a double-take, then looks back at the snake.

                           HEALY
                    (sadly)
               Oh...Sully.

                           TUCKER
               Look, if it wasn't you who sent the 
               letter, and it wasn't me who sent 
               it?

                                                          CUT TO:

120   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY                                 120   

     CLOSE ON an alarmed Mary.

                           MARY
               Woogie? What are what are you doing 
               here?

     REVERSE ANGLE reveals Dom sitting on her bed.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 123
     12-16-01                                                    


                           DOM
               Did you get my letter, Mare? The one 
               about Ted?

                           MARY
               You sent that?

                           DOM
               Uh-huh. I was worried about you.

                           MARY
               Well...thank you. But...you know 
               you're not supposed to be within 
               four hundred yards of me.

                           DOM
                    (excited)
               That's what I want to tell ya. I've 
               been through two years of extensive 
               psychotherapy and you know what? You 
               were right--I needed help.

                           MARY
                    (cautious)
               That's great, Woogie, I'm happy you're 
               better--you seem...good--but...you 
               put me through quite an ordeal, you 
               know.

     Dom nods aggressively.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               I had to move, go to court, change 
               my last name--you stole all my shoes!

     Dom stands up.

                           DOM
               Look at me.

     Mary turns her head.

                           DOM (CONT'D)
               Look at me, Mary. On my mother's 
               soul, on God above, on everything 
               that is holy to me, I did not steal 
               your shoes.

                           MARY
               Woogie, I caught you red-handed.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 124
     12-16-01                                                    


                           DOM
               All right, I did, but I was in a 
               weird place then.

     He approaches her.

                           DOM (CONT'D)
               Give me a break, Mare, I was nuts!

     Mary backs into the living room.

                                                          CUT TO:

121   INT. HEALY'S CAR - DAY                                      121   

     Healy and Tucker are parked right out front LISTENING TO 
     THIS CONVERSATION. They seem concerned.

                           MARY (V.O.)
               Woogie, please, you're starting to 
               scare me.

                           HEALY
               Who the hell's Woogie?

     Tucker just shrugs.

     BACK ON Mary and Dom. 

                           MARY
               I'm asking you to leave.

                           DOM
                    (gentle)
               Oh, Mary, honey, you're taking this 
               all wrong.
                    (beat)
               I'm not leaving...

     BACK IN HEALY'S CAR

                           DOM (CONT'D)
               ...Not until I get a little something 
               to remember you by.

                           MARY (V.O.)
                    (clearly struggling)
               Stop that! No! Somebody help me!!!!!

     Healy and Tucker jump out of the car and RUN INTO THE 
     BUILDING.

                                                          CUT TO:

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 125
     12-16-01                                                    


122   INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY                                 122   

     Healy and Tucker STORM INTO THE ROOM and freeze at what they 
     see.

     THEIR POV - Dom is cradling SEVERAL PAIRS OF SHOES in his 
     arms and trying to crawl to the door while Mary holds him 
     back.

                           MARY
               Stop it!

                           DOM
               Just one pair! You owe me that much, 
               you heartless bitch!

     Healy and Tucker grab Dom and throw him down on the couch.

                           HEALY
               Dom, you're pathetic, fucking over 
               your friend Ted like that.

                           DOM
               What? You fucked him over, too.

                           HEALY
               He's no friend of mine.

     Suddenly Magda ENTERS from her bedroom. She's holding a half-
     eaten BANANA SPLIT. Herb, the Homeless Man, follows after 
     her, sporting a Tom Jones and buttoning up his shirt.

                           MAGDA
               What the hell's going on here?

     At first no one knows what to say. Then:

                           HEALY
               We're in love with your roommate.

                           MAGDA
               Aw, Christ, I can't take it anymore. 
               I'm gonna pack my bags and go back 
               to my own place.

     Magda heads back into her bedroom and Herb follows.

                           MARY
               Tucker, where are your crutches?

     Tucker is stumped for a second, then:

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 126
     12-16-01                                                    


                           TUCKER
                    (British accent)
               Interesting query, Mary...

     Healy slaps Tucker in the back of the head.

                           HEALY
               Shut the fuck up and tell her the 
               truth.

     Before he can respond, Ted ENTERS.

                           TUCKER
               Well isn't this nice--now we've got 
               the whole gang together.

     Ted can hardly believe Dom is there.

                           TED
               Dom? What are you?

                           DOM
               You stole her from me. Now I want 
               her back.

                           MARY
                    (rolling eyes)
               Woogie and I went out for awhile in 
               high school.

                           TED
                    (stunned)
               You're Woogie?

                           DOM
               Dom Wooganowski. Duh.

                           TED
               But but you're married. You have 
               kids a great wife.

                           DOM
               If you're so happy with them, please, 
               be my guest.

                           HEALY
               If I may I have a proposal.

     Everyone turns to Healy.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 127
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY (CONT'D)
               I say none of us leave this room 
               until our young Mary here stops 
               jerking us around and decides once 
               and for all who she wants. Now Mary, 
               I know this is difficult but you 
               really will be doing them all a favor 
               to tell them the truth about us.

                           MARY
               Are you crazy? Why would I pick you? 
               You're a murderer.

     Healy glares at Tucker.

                           TUCKER
               Uh, well...not exactly. You see, I 
               exaggerated a little there.

                           MARY
               You mean he's not a criminal?

                           HEALY
               God no!
                    (pleased)
               I'm just a pathological liar!

     Mary looks at Tucker, confused.

                           MARY
               Tucker...not you, too?

     Tucker lowers his head and reluctantly nods.

                           TUCKER
               Name's Norm. I live up in Pompano 
               with my folks.

                           MARY
               Oh Jesus...

     Just then the door opens and BRETT FAVRE, the Packers 
     quarterback ENTERS, with Warren (wearing a walkman) beside 
     him. Everyone is stunned.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               Brett...?

                           BRETT FAVRE
               Hi, Mary.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 128
     12-16-01                                                    


                           HEALY
               What the hell is Brett Favre doing 
               here?

                           BRETT FAVRE
               We're in town to play the Dolphins.

                           TED
               I called him. I told him to pick up 
               Warren and get over here.  

     Everyone turns their attention to Ted.

                           TED (CONT'D)
               Mary, I found out that your buddy 
               Tucker there lied to you about Brett.

     Tucker lowers his head.

                           TED (CONT'D)
               Brett never said anything bad about 
               Warren.  He loves Warren...and from 
               what he just told me on the phone, 
               he loves you, too.
                    (beat)
               He's the guy you should be with.

                           BRETT FAVRE
               That's right, Mare. And you know 
               I'll always be true to you.

                           DOM
               Aw shit, this isn't fair.

     Mary manages a smile.

                           TED
                    (to Mary)
               I realized something tonight. I'm no 
               better than any of these guys. None 
               of them really love you...they just 
               fixated on you because of how you 
               made them feel. But that's not real 
               love...Thank you for letting me see 
               that. Now I can get on with the rest 
               of my life.

     Tucker, Healy, and Dom scoff.

                           TUCKER
               Oh please...

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 129
     12-16-01                                                    


                           DOM
               Don't listen to him, Mary. It's a 
               ploy.

                           HEALY
               You are so full of shit, Strohman. 
               Are you going to stand here and tell 
               us that you aren't in love with this 
               girl?

     Ted looks into Mary's eyes. She looks vulnerable.

                           TED
               Yeah...that's what I'm telling you.
                    (winks)
               See you, Mare.

     Ted looks Mary in the eye, then starts for the door.

                           TED (CONT'D)
                    (as he passes Warren)
               See you, Warren.

                           WARREN
               Huh...?

     Ted lifts the earphones off Warren's ear.

                           TED
               See you, Warren.

                           WARREN
               Bye, Ted.

     Ted then WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM. They all stand there in 
     silence for a moment, then Dom turns to Brett Favre.

                           DOM
               Hey, Brett, any chance I can get you 
               to autograph one of these pumps for 
               me?

                                                          CUT TO:

123   EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY                                     123   

     Ted is walking down the street BLUBBERING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.

     Everyone he passes stares at him. Suddenly Mary comes running 
     down the OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET.

                           MARY
               Ted!

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 130
     12-16-01                                                    


     Ted stops and looks across the street at her. He wipes his 
     eyes, hopeful.

                           TED
               What what are you doing here?

                           MARY
               You forgot your keys!

     She holds up a RABBIT FOOT KEY-CHAIN.

                           TED
                    (deflated)
               Oh. Thanks.

     They remain across the street from one another.

                           MARY
               Did you mean what you said back there, 
               Ted?

     Ted starts to well up again.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               Ted...?

                           TED
                    (looking down)
               I...I just want you to be happy, 
               Mary.

                           MARY
               But I think I'd be happiest...with 
               you.

     Ted just stares at her.

                           TED
               You're fucking with me, right?

     Mary smiles.

                           TED (CONT'D)
                    (wiping eyes)
               But but what about Steve?

                           MARY
               Oh yeah, that'd make golf real fun--
               the guy doesn't even drink beer or 
               gamble.

     Now Ted smiles.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 131
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY (CONT'D)
               Get over here.

                           TED
               Really?

                           MARY
               Really.

     The BEAMING Ted starts walking across the street. Suddenly a 
     BUS WHIZZES BY AND SMACKS TED BROADSIDE. He bounces around 
     under the bus like a rag doll, then finally squirts out the 
     back end and TUMBLES TO A LIMP STOP.

     Mary SCREAMS and runs toward the body as a CROWD begins to 
     gather.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               Ted, no, no....!

     She starts giving him CPR. Somebody covers him with a blanket.

     Just then, another CAR WHIZZES OVER HIS FEET like speedbumps. 
     The crowd winces.

                           MARY (CONT'D)
               Somebody hold up traffic!
                    (beat)
               Come on, Ted. Come on. Tell me you're 
               going to be okay.

     Then Ted takes a deep breath and his eyes flutter open.

                           TED
               Mary....Oh Mary, I love you.

     Mary's smile is as bright as the light from heaven.

                           MARY
               I love you too, Ted.
                    (beat)
               I think I always have.

     As the two lovebirds kiss, a LADY CALLS OUT:

                           LADY
               Over here! I found his foot! It was 
               in the storm drain!

     ON THE LADY as she holds up a SEVERED FOOT in a cloth.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

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     Screenplay-There's_Something_About_Mary               p. 132
     12-16-01                                                    


                           MARY
               All right, everyone, let's fan out 
               and look for the penis!

     As Ted REACTS to this, we pull UP, UP, UP, and

     FADE OUT.

                               THE END