Written by
Mike Judge & Etan Cohen
Directed by Mike Judge

Luke Wilson.................................Joe Bauers
Maya Rudolph......................................Rita
Dax Shepard......................................Frito
Anthony 'Citric' Campos...........Secretary of Defense
Terry Crews..........................President Camacho
Sara Rue.................Attorney General (Uncredited)
David Herman........................Secretary of State
Brendan Hill.......................Secretary of Energy
Danny Cochran...................Secretary of Education
Justin Long.....................................Doctor
Patrick Fischler........................Yuppie Husband
Darlene Hunt...............................Yuppie Wife
Kevin Klee...........................Ow! My Balls! Guy

     FADE IN:

 1   EXT. PLANET EARTH                                              1   

     A medium shot of The Planet Earth floating in space.  An 
     important-sounding NARRATOR begins.

                           NARRATOR (V.O.)
               As the twenty-first century began, 
               human evolution was at a turning 
               point.  Natural selection, the process 
               by which the strongest, the smartest, 
               the fastest reproduced in greater 
               number than the rest, a process which 
               had once favored the noblest traits 
               of man...

     DISSOLVE on pictures of great historical figures, Galileo, 
     Leonardo.  DaVinci, Columbus, MLK Jr., etc.

                           NARRATOR(V.O.) (CONT'D)
               Now began to favor different traits...

     DISSOLVE on pictures of Geraldo, Joey Buttafuco, Kathy Lee 
     Gifford, the guy from "The Bachelor."

                           NARRATOR (CONT'D)
               While most science fiction of the 
               day predicted a future that was more 
               civilized and more intelligent...

     DISSOLVE on pictures of 1960s-sci-fi-style antiseptic future: 
     Handsome scientists, pristine domed cities, etc.

                           NARRATOR (CONT'D)
               ...all signs indicated that the human 
               race was heading in the opposite 
               direction -- a dumbing down.

     We PAN from the images over to a bunch of modern-day dumbasses 
     with fanny packs, standing in line at a TOMORROWLAND RIDE -- 
     revealing that the images we just saw were from the ride.

                           NARRATOR (CONT'D)
               How did this happen?  Evolution does 
               not make moral judgments.  Evolution 
               does not necessarily reward that 
               which is good or beautiful.  It simply 
               rewards those who reproduce the most.

     Idiocracy                                                              p. 2

 2   INT. TASTEFUL APARTMENT                                        2   

     A prosperous YUPPIE couple speaks to the camera as if being 

                           YUPPIE HUSBAND
               I'm a cardiologist, and I'm finishing 
               my residency at Harvard.  I'm twenty-
               six years old.  This is my wife, 
               she's a financial planner.

                           YUPPIE WIFE
               And I'm finishing law school.

                           YUPPIE HUSBAND
               Having kids is such an important 

                           YUPPIE WIFE
               We're waiting for the right time.  
               It's not something you want to rush 

     THE SCREEN SPLITS.  The YUPPIE couple is squeezed into the 
     LEFT SIDE of the screen, where they chastely hold hands.

     On the RIGHT SIDE of screen appears:

 3   INT. CRAPPY BEDROOM                                            3   

     A heinous trashy white couple, fresh off a hair-pulling free-
     for-all episode of Jerry Springer is making out, getting hot 
     and heavy on their ratty fold-out couch.

                           TRASHY GUY

                           SLUTTY GIRL
               Shit, yeah.

                           TRASHY GUY
               Naw, I mean, shit!  I ain't got no 

                           SLUTTY GIRL
               Aw, shit.

     A beat.

     Then they go back at it.

     Idiocracy                                                              p. 3

                           TRASHY GUY
               Aw,  Fuck it.

     The right side of the screen divides into four smaller frames 
     as the couple's babies pop up.


     The yuppie couple, now in their thirties.  Their living room 
     shows signs of greater financial success.

                           YUPPIE WIFE
               There's no way we could have a child 
               now, not with the market the way it 

                           YUPPIE HUSBAND
                    (nods in agreement)
               It just wouldn't make sense.

     As they continue, they are drowned out by the


     More years have passed.  The Trashy Guy is looking at a check.  
     Several kids, now more grown up, fight in the background.  
     He's with a NEW SLUTTY GIRL.

                           TRASHY GUY
               You mean we get more welfare money 
               if we have more kids?

                           NEW SLUTTY GIRL
               Yeah.  Foodstamps too.

     They share a look, then:

     SEVERAL MORE BABIES POP UP, and the frames multiply.

     The Yuppie couple ages, the frames on the right side of the 
     screen continue to multiply, indicating more years going by.


     The yuppie couple is now in their late thirties.  The mood 
     is tense.

                           YUPPIE WIFE
               Well, we've finally decided to have 
               kids, and I'm not pointing fingers, 
               but... It's not going well.

     Idiocracy                                                              p. 4

                           YUPPIE HUSBAND
               Oh, and this is helping!

                           YUPPIE WIFE
               I'm just saying, before I have in 
               vitro, maybe you should be willing-

                           YUPPIE HUSBAND
               It's always me.

                           YUPPIE WIFE
               Well, it's not my sperm count.


     We feature a fifteen-year-old TRASHY JOCK (one of the trashy 
     kids we've seen grow up), lumbering off the field with his 
     arms around four skanks.

               I'm gonna fuck all y'all!

     More and more babies pop up.  As the right side of the screen 
     becomes more and more crowded, it begins to PUSH INTO THE 

     THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE SCREEN is brimming with new generations 
     of dumbass.  They are all speaking at once and multiplying 
     like rabbits, drowning out the yuppie couple.


     The Yuppie Woman, in her 50s, is now crowded into a small 
     corner in the bottom-left of the screen, alone.

                           YUPPIE WIFE
               Unfortunately, Trevor passed away of 
               a heart attack while masturbating to 
               produce sperm for artificial 
               insemination, but I've got some eggs 
               frozen, and just as soon as the right 
               guy comes along...

     The Yuppie wife's square is forced into oblivion as the screen 
     is consumed by the ever-increasing generations of dumbasses, 
     her voice drowned out by a cacophony of yelling morons.

     Sound fades out.  Narrator's voice fades in:

                           NARRATOR (V.O.)
               But there would be a savior... A man 
               who would become a legend...  Whose

     Idiocracy                                                              p. 5

                           NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
               mighty hand would pull humanity from 
               the brink of self-destruction... It 
               was in the year 2004, in an army 
               base in Virginia...

 4   EXT. ARMY BASE - ESTABLISHING - DAY                            4   

 5   INT. ARMY BASE - DAY                                           5   

     JOE BOWERS, 30s, is hunched over a test bench, soldering 
     iron in hand, concentrating intensely.

     We get a little closer and see Joe is holding the tip of the 
     soldering iron to a popcorn kernel.  The kernel pops, hitting 
     Joe in the eye.  Startled, Joe drops his hand onto a circuit 
     board, shocking himself, causing him to fall back onto his 

     SERGEANT MILLER, 40s, with a noticeable BATTLE SCAR on his 
     lower lip, enters.  Another officer lingers by the door.

               Today's your lucky day Joe.  That 
               guy out there?  That's Officer Collins 
               from the Pentagon.  They're asking 
               you to volunteer for a top secret 
               experiment.  This could be a great 
               opportunity for you.

               Oh, no thanks sir.  I've just got 
               six years 'til my pension and I don't 
               wanna do anything that might screw 
               it up.

     Miller looks at Joe, sizing him up.

               You know Joe, there's something else 
               that comes with that pension, 
               something they don't tell you about...

               What's that?

               A hollow empty feeling.

               Hollow empty feeling?

     Idiocracy                                                              p. 6

               Yep.  I've seen it a thousand times --  
               It's the same feeling that trust 
               fund kids and lottery winners get.  
               It's the feeling you get when you've 
               got nothing to strive for, no 
               struggle... Drives some of 'em to 
               suicide.  You know how you get rid 
               of it?  You do something that matters, 
               you challenge yourself.

               Sorry sir, but remember the last 
               time you had me challenge myself?  
               When I tried to rewire the sound 
               system in the Mess Hall?

                                                   FLASH BACK TO:

 6   INT. MESS HALL - DAY                                           6   

     We see Miller, WITHOUT THE SCAR ON HIS LOWER LIP, go up to a 

               Testing... One two- AAAAAAAGH!

     Miller is blown out of frame by a spark arcing off the 
     microphone on to his lower lip.

                                                         BACK TO:


     Miller's hand unconsciously moves to the scar on his lower 

                           MILLER (CONT'D)
               Yeah... I remember.  Look, I know 
               you don't like responsibility, just 
               wanna be left alone in your little 
               corner here, but the truth is, this 
               isn't much of a challenge.  It's 
               some kind of hibernation experiment.  
               You'd be getting paid to sleep for a 
               year.  It would be pretty hard to 
               screw this up.

               Yeah well, all the same sir, I kind 
               of like things the way they are.

     Miller sighs, disappointed.

     Idiocracy                                                              p. 7


               Look Joe, I wanted to give you the 
               opportunity to volunteer first.  
               Thought it would make you feel better 
               about yourself, but the fact is, 
               this is an assignment.  You've got 
               no choice.

     Off Joe's worried expression we CUT TO:

 7   INT. ARMY BASE - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY                         7   

     Highly decorated officers sit around a conference table.  
     OFFICER COLLINS is at the head of the table, holding a remote, 
     giving a slide presentation.  He's a nerdy-creepy Army 
     Engineer in his 40s, with a big mustache that looks out of 
     place on his wimpy face.

               Gentlemen, CNAPA, or Chronological 
               Noncompatibility and Peacetime Aging 
               has plagued the armed forces for 
               years.  Some of our best pilots, 
               soldiers and military leaders have 
               spent their entire careers without 
               ever seeing battle.  We've seen all 
               their talents and expensive training 
               go to waste during times of peace.

     The officers murmur agreement.

     A slide appears: HHP -- Top Secret!

                           COLLINS (CONT'D)
               Enter the Human Hibernation Project, 
               designed to save our best men, frozen 
               in their prime, for when they're 
               needed most.

     The Officers are impressed.

                           COLLINS (CONT'D)
               We have selected two test subjects, 
               a male and a female.

     Collins clicks his remote.  We see a large, unflattering 
     picture of Joe.

     Idiocracy                                                              p. 8

                           COLLINS (CONT'D)
               This is Private Joe Bowers, an 
               electrician here on the base, not 
               one of our best men.  He was chosen 
               primarily because of how remarkably 
               average he is-- extremely average.  
               In every category.

     Collins clicks through several slides of bell curves for 
     intelligence, physical strength, etc. Joe is at the dead 
     center of each curve.

                           COLLINS (CONT'D)
               The most average person in our entire 
               Army.  He also has no family -- 
               unmarried, an only child, parents 
               deceased -- making him an ideal 
               candidate, with no one to ask any 
               nosy questions should something go 
               wrong with the experiment.

     Various officers nod, approving.

                           COLLINS (CONT'D)
               We had a little less luck finding a 
               female volunteer with these 
               qualifications within our ranks, and 
               were forced to go into the private 

     Collins clicks his remote.  There's a picture of RITA, a 
     pretty woman in her 20s, obviously a prostitute.

     The officers react, confused.

                           COLLINS (CONT'D)
               This is Rita.  Like Joe, she has no 
               immediate family.  She agreed to 
               participate in exchange for dropping 
               some criminal charges, and a small 

     Collins cues up a slide of a pimp in full pimp regalia.

                           COLLINS (CONT'D)
               Arrangement with her pimp -- a 
               gentleman here in the D.C. area who 
               goes by the name, "Upgrade," which 
               he spells U-P-G-R-A-Y-E-Dd-, with 
               two 'D's, as he says,
                    (air quotes)
               "For a double dose of this pimpin'".

     Idiocracy                                                              p. 9

     As Collins talks, he clicks through several slides of Upgrayed 
     in different outfits, showing off his jewelry, driving in a 
     Mercedes, etc.

     The Officers begin to shift uncomfortably.

                           COLLINS (CONT'D)
               Upgrayed agreed to "loan" us Rita 
               for exactly a year, and keep quiet 
               in exchange for some leeway from 
               local police in running his "pimp 
               game."  First, however, there was 
               the difficult manner of gaining his 

     A slide of Collins and Upgrayed sharing a giant bottle of 

               Could we skip to the technicals, 

               Sure.  Let me just finish here...

     The other officers squirm as Collins clicks through slides 
     of himself with Upgrayed, with ho's, etc.

                           COLLINS (CONT'D)
               You see, a pimp's love is very 
               different from that of a square-

                           OFFICER #2

     There's an awkward silence.  After a beat:

               Fine.  We'll move on... It is a 
               fascinating world, though.

     Collins quickly clicks past more slides of himself with 
     Upgrayde.  And clicking some more.  And some more.  And some 

                           OFFICER #2
               Jesus, Collins!

     Collins speeds through another dozen slides of Upgrayed and 
     his hos The crowd rolls their eyes.  Finally, a slide of the 
     hibernation pod.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 10

               Anyway, the experiment is ready to 
               begin immediately.  If successful, 
               we believe humans could be stored in 
               a dry freeze" indefinitely...

 8   INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                                   8   

     A small on-base apartment.  Joe is packing up his place for 
     his year-long absence and talking on the phone to his 
     girlfriend, SHARON.

                           SHARON (V.C.)
               I'm so sorry I had to work late.  I 
               mean, it's your last night and you're 
               gonna be gone for a whole year.

               Don't worry, it's not your fault... 
               Look, I know a year is a long time.  
               I don't expect you to wait for me-

                           SHARON (V.O.)
               No, Joe.  Don't even say that.  You 
               didn't have a choice.

               I'll tell you what, I'll make it up 
               to you.  I'll meet you at TJ Swan's, 
               one year and three days from now.  
               October 17th.

 9   INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS                                       9   

     Sharon is at her desk, a secretary's desk outside an office.  
     She finishes the call.

               Okay, it's a date.

     Her boss, a creepy Ben Affleck type, walks over and sits on 
     the edge of her desk.

               Soooo.  I couldn't help but 
               overhear...  You know, if I had a 
               girl like you, I sure wouldn't let 
               her out of my sight for a minute, 
               let alone for a year.

     Sharon blushes a little, flattered.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 11

10   INT. ARMY BASE                                                10   

11   SECRET HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY                                    11   

     Joe and Rita, the prostitute, are waiting to go through some 
     medical tests.  Both are in Army-issue hospital gowns.  Joe 
     is nervous, wound up.  Rita on the other hand, is bored, 
     hungover, doesn't want to be there.  Joe awkwardly tries to 
     strike up a conversation.

               So... This is kind of crazy huh?  
               What unit are you with?

               I ain't in the service.

               Ohh, private sector...
               So what do you do?

               A little of this, a little of that.

     She looks away, trying to end the conversation.

               Wow... That's great.  I really envy 
               people who can make a living that 
               way doing a little bit of this and 
               that.  I had a neighbor who used to 
               make chainsaw sculptures and sell 
               'em at the flea market.  I guess I 
               don't really have much of an 
               imagination.  That's why I'm in the 
               Army.  Heh heh.

     Rita rubs her temples It looks like she had a rough night.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               So... You're an artist or something?


               Urn, yeah.

               Wow, that's great.  Do you do like, 
               paintings or-

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 12

               Yeah, paintings.

               Oh, great.  What kind of stuff do 
               you paint?

     Rita sighs impatiently.  This is more work than she expected.

               I don't know, people and fruit and 

               Wow, it must be great to make a living 
               doing something you love.

                    (world-weary sigh)
               It's not all it's cracked up to be.

     A DOCTOR enters.

               Okay, who wants to go first?

                    (get me out of here)

     A beefy ORDERLY enters and prepares a thermometer for Joe.

               Wow... A professional artist... That's 
               really cool.

               Oh yeah, she's a professional 
                    (cracks himself up)

     Joe doesn't get it, laughs politely along.

12   INT. SECRET POD ROOM - DAY                                    12   

     A small top secret room containing two sleeping pods with 
     their hatches open.  Joe and Rita are sitting up in their 

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 13

     Joe and Rita look uneasy as they are strapped in, hooked up 
     to hoses, IVs, etc. Rita looks especially freaked out as the 
     reality of it starts to set in.

     A LOUD COMPRESSOR KICKS ON, startling both of them.  Rita 
     instinctively grabs Joe's hand.

               This shit's safe, right?

     Joe looks around the room, uneasily.

               Sure.  They know what they're doing.  
               I mean look at all these... machines 
               and stuff... It'll be fine.  They 
               tested it on dogs... I think... Don't 

     Joe puts on a brave face for her as they lie back in their 

     Various shots -- Collins and the Doctor going over a 
     checklist, checking all the apparatus, etc. The checklist 
     complete, the pod doors are sealed.  Collins hits a button 
     and milky orange liquid begins flowing through the IVs.

     JOE'S POV:

     Things begin to get blurry, as Collins leans in.

               See you in a year!

     Joe and Rita's eyes flutter and close.  They're out cold.  
     The orderlies and the Doctor exit the room.

     After a beat, Collins follows.  He hits a button labeled Top 
     Secret" and a facade drops from the ceiling, concealing the 

13   INT. COLLINS'S OFFICE - DAY                                   13   

     The office of a highly-decorated officer -- trophies, 
     commendations, etc. are everywhere.  Collins sits at his 
     desk doing paperwork.

                           NARRATOR (V.O.)
               The Human Hibernation Project was 
               one of the army's most ambitious 
               projects.  But it was not immune 
               from the usual government bureaucracy.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 14

     Suddenly, a horde of tough Military Police storm Collins's 
     office, grab him, and throw him to the ground.

     ANGLE ON:

     A newspaper.  There's a picture of Collins on the cover.  
     The caption reads:

     Army Officer Busted in Attempted Prostitution Ring!

                           NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT'D)
               With Collins gone, there were only 
               four people left who knew about this 
               top-secret experiment...

14   INT. AMERICAN LEGION HALL - NIGHT                             14   

     A big buffet table is being prepared.

                           NARRATOR (V.O.)
               All four died tragically in a botulism 
               outbreak at a Veteran's Day banquet...

     We see a dumb looking kitchen worker pouring canned chicken 
     'n' dumplings into a big pot, and lighting a little can of 
     Sterno underneath.

     A teenage busboy swoops out a tablecloth over a nearby table, 
     blowing out the Sterno.

15   EXT. AMERICAN LEGION HALL - NIGHT                             15   

     E.M.S workers load four draped bodies into ambulances.

               ...Joe and Rita were forgotten...

16   EXT. ARMY BASE - DAY                                          16   

     The army base looks abandoned.  It's shuttered and padlocked.

               ...and the Base eventually closed.

     A worker walks into frame and plants a sign into the ground: -
     "Future Site of Sierra Vista Estates." Bulldozers pile earth 
     onto the base, burying it.

17   INT. SHARON'S OFFICE - DAY                                    17   

     Sharon sits sadly at her desk.  The calendar says March 14th.

     Her creepy Boss comes up behind her.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 15

               It's been a year and a half.  Don't 
               you think he would've called?

     He starts rubbing her shoulders.

                           BOSS (CONT'D)
               Oooh, you feel tense.

                                                          CUT TO:

18   INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT                                          18   

     WE PAN down from a Playboy Jazz Festival poster to find Sharon 
     and her boss going at it in her boss's big four-poster Pottery-
     Barn bed, (tastefully covered by the bed sheets) to the sounds 
     of lite jazz.

     DISSOLVE on calendar pages turning as we BEGIN MONTAGE.'

               As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the 
               years passed, and mankind became 
               stupider at a frightening rate.

     A chart depicting intelligence over time.  An animated line 
     begins at the present time.  As it moves into the future, it 
     drops precipitously.

     DISSOLVE TO a few years in the future.  There's now an ugly 
     development of McMansions where the army base once stood.

     High-speed time-lapse of a building being built over the 
     site, finally revealing a new FUDDRUCKER'S.

     Time lapse fast-motion of Fuddrucker's being torn down to 
     build an even bigger Futtbucker's, which is torn down to 
     build an even bigger Buttrucker's.

                           NARRATOR (CONT'D)
               Some scientists had high hopes for 
               genetic engineering.  But the efforts 
               were slow, misguided and quickly 
               overtaken by the declining 
               intelligence and exploding population.

     We see a baseball stadium.  The marquee outside announces 
     "Championship Baseball." DISSOLVE to a marquee reading 
     "Extreme Baseball."  Inside, a runner is caught in a rundown 
     between second and third.  Instead of gloves, the second and 
     third basemen brandish bats menacingly.  In the background, 
     various players are engaged in batfights that seem to have 
     little connection to the game.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 16

     Outside, the marquee DISSOLVES again, this time it just reads 
     "FIRE." We see huge flames rising up from the center of the 
     stadium as the crowd goes berserk.

     DISSOLVE on calendar pages turning, over images of gradually 
     more stupid-looking people, starting with dumbasses of the 
     present, continuing to future dumbasses.

     The calendar pages stop somewhere in the 2900s.

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

19   EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE -- SUNRISE                                19   

     In silhouette, we see a magnificent vista that calls to mind 
     the alps or the Grand Tetons.

               Plagues and World Wars came and went, 
               and by simply being unconscious for 
               several hundred years, Joe had managed 
               to become something neither he, nor 
               anyone who had ever known him, thought 
               he had the potential to become... 
               the smartest person on Earth...

     As the sun rises, we see that this is not a natural mountain 
     range -- it is a huge, stinking mountain of garbage, 
     ridiculously steep and unstable, the result of centuries of 
     stacking garbage with no plan whatsoever.  We are definitely 
     in the future.

     PUSH IN ON:

     The highest peak.  A truck winds its way up a small road, a 
     Dr. Suess-looking path carved into the side of an absurdly 
     steep face.

     At the wheel of the truck is the DRIVER, the dumbest looking 
     guy you've ever seen, a fat gum-drop-headed guy, with a weird 
     futuristic haircut, an ugly uniform and the McDonalds golden 
     arches tattooed on his forehead.

     He is looking at a porn magazine while he drives.  He 
     alternates between excited grunts from the porn and startled 
     grunts as he nearly swerves off the road.

     The driver manages to navigate the truck to the summit.  He 
     parks it, pulls a lever and the garbage begins to unload, 
     causing the mountain to quiver under the new extra weight.  
     The driver cracks a beer and watches.  In the background we 
     see an OMINOUS BLACK DUST STORM of epic proportions 
     approaching -- like the Great Dust Bowl.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 17

     The truck finishes unloading and the driver tosses his empty 
     can on top, but the dusty wind knocks it back down.  The 
     driver tries again.  And again.  Frustrated, he finally takes 
     the can and plants it forcefully on top, causing the small 
     peak to collapse, which causes the next part below to 
     collapse, and a chain reaction on down the mountain.  It was 
     one beer can more than this mountain was designed to hold.

     In a WIDER SHOT, we see a huge, epic


     The huge waves of garbage engulf the city below.  CLOSER, we 
     see Joe AND RITA'S PODS emerge, riding the crest of the 
     garbage wave.  They split into two directions.  We FOLLOW 
     Joe's pod for a while.

     CLOSE ON Joe'S POD as it comes to a stop.  PULL OUT to reveal 
     we are in

20   EXT. FILTHY STREET - CONTINUOUS                               20   

     Joe's pod has come to rest on a dirty street below a giant 
     billboard ad of a scowling, Neanderthal looking macho-man 
     with a cigarette hanging from his mouth.  It reads, "If you 
     don't smoke Carltons...Fuck you!"

     As we PULL OUT further, we see that every single square inch 
     of everything is plastered with advertisements.  Even the 
     passersby's clothes are covered with ads.  Everything seems 
     to be in some stage of decay.

     TV screens everywhere blast out competing trash and talking 
     vending machines compete like carnival barkers for the 
     attention of passersby.

     WIDER ANGLE.  Dumb-looking, overweight people wander around.  
     On the back of everyone's left hand is a UPC tattoo.  No one 
     seems to have noticed or cared much about the garbage' 
     avalanche.  They pay no attention to Joe's pod.

     Suddenly, the ground RUMBLES.  Another wave of garbage comes 
     roaring down the street, smashing into Joe's pod, sending it 
     flying into the air.


     A half-built, dirty-looking place.  Joe's pod goes crashing 
     into a window.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 18


     The pod lands on the floor of a tiny room with only enough 
     space to house a La-Z-Boy recliner and a giant TV.  DIZZ, 
     mid-30s fatass, sits sunken deep in the recliner.  He watches 
     TV, his jaw hanging open in a dull expression, doesn't seem 
     to register the pod that just crashed through his window.

     Outside Dizz's window, the dust storm and avalanche continue.  
     He couldn't care less.  From the TV we hear an announcer 
     with that testosterone-heavy Fox style, but even dumber 

                           TV (V.O.)
               Next, on the Violence Channel, an 
               all-new episode of "Ow!  My Balls!"  
               Huh huh, yeah...


     The TV show begins: The MAIN CHARACTER, a frail, feeble 
     looking man with a permanently worried look on his face, 
     stands on a high-rise balcony looking out at the view.

     A big lumbering JOCK comes up behind him, kicks him in the 
     balls, sending him over the balcony.

     ANGLE ON DIZZ, amused.

                    (primitive laugh sound)

     ANGLE ON:

     Joe's pod.  It starts to come to life.  We hear fluids 
     flowing, LED lights come on.  The pod displays a message: 


     The show continues.  In rapid succession, the Main Character 
     falls off the balcony, lands on a high voltage wire, on his 
     balls, gets sling-shotted off, starts falling, heading 
     straight for a fence, lands on his balls, then falls into 
     someone's yard.  A dog runs up, bites his balls, he scrambles 
     over the high fence, falls down the other side, lands on a 
     sawhorse, right on his balls, then finally falls to the 
     ground.  He stands up, brushes himself off, then notices 
     something: a huge wrecking ball swinging right towards his 
     balls.  He stands there like a deer caught in the headlights, 
     then WHAM, right in the balls.  We follow him through the 
     air, his balls straddling the wrecking ball...

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 19

                           MAIN CHARACTER/AUDIENCE
               Ow!  My balls!

                    (laughing, losing it)


     The pod door opens.  Joe leans up, cracks open his freezer 
     burned eyes, looks around dazed.  He's still in his military 
     hospital outfit.

     Joe looks at Dizz.  He has no idea what he's looking at or 
     where he is.  He clutches his head in pain.


     Dizz's eyes remain glued to the TV, but he is momentarily 
     distracted by Joe's noise.


     Joe rubs his eyes, takes in his surroundings.  He is 
     completely disoriented.  Nothing makes sense to him. 

                    (really groggy)
               Urn, where...?  Is this ah...

               Shut up!
                    (back to TV, laughs)

     Joe looks at Dizz, confused.  Joe tries to get up, stumbles 
     a couple of times, falls to the ground.

                    (rubbing his eyes, 
                    trying to figure it 
               Urn... Where's Officer Collins?  Is 
               this...?  Are we on base?

     Irritated, Dizz becomes hostile.

               I'm gonna base yer... ass on my...

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 20

                           DIZZ (CONT'D)
                    (can't quite make it 
               Ff...fist!  Ass!  Shut up!

     Joe, groggy and half-blind, stumbles backwards in retreat.

               I'm sorry, I'm just... where am I?

               SHUT UP!!!

     Dizz gets up angrily, revealing that the "recliner" is also 
     a toilet.  He pulls up his pants, flushes it, then walks 
     over, grabs Joe and throws him out the window.

                           DIZZ (CONT'D)

23   EXT. CITY STREET -- CONTINUOUS                                23   

     Joe hits the ground hard.  Joe gets up and painfully limps 
     around.  He looks across the street, sees something that 
     makes him do a double-take:

     JOE' S POV:

     A cheerful T.G.I.F.-looking restaurant.  The sign reads: 
     Buttfucker's!  (In the exact shape, colors and font of 

     Joe looks at the sign a beat, at the kids' birthday party 
     going on inside, back at the sign, and shakes his head.  A 
     guy and a girl walk by, each obese and wearing those T-shirts 
     that make it look like you're naked.

               Excuse me, (points to Buttfucker's) 
               could you read that sign for me?

               Read?  What do I look like, a fag?

     The guy growls at Joe.  Joe stumbles off, nearly getting run 
     over by a broken-down futuristic car being pulled by a team 
     of dogs.  The car is continually making that annoying dinging 
     sound they make when the door is open.  Joe rubs his eyes in 
     disbelief, then walks unsteadily, holding his head.

               I must be hallucinating...

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 21

24   EXT. CITY STREET - DAY                                        24   

     Joe stops near a group of guys.

                           NARRATOR (V.O.)
               Joe wandered the streets, desperate 
               for help, but the English language 
               had deteriorated into a hybrid of 
               hillbilly, valley-girl, innercity 
               slang, and various grunts.  Joe was 
               able to understand them, but when he 
               spoke in his ordinary voice, he 
               sounded pompous and "faggy" to them.

     Joe asks for directions.  The guys all laugh and make fun of 
     him.  Joe pleads.  One of the guys freaks out and starts 
     beating his chest and yelling incomprehensible obscenities.  
     Joe runs away, then he notices something.

               Oh thank God...

     JOE'S POV:

     A (misspelled) sign reads: "Memorial" Hospitle.  Above it is 
     a huge billboard which reads:

     "Surgery with an ATTITUDE!"  With a picture of a Vin Diesel 
     type in a scrub suit, holding a scalpel, with an anti-
     authority, "fuck you" scowl.

     Joe just shakes his head and walks towards the entrance.

     [NOTE: For the purpose of this script, the dialogue of people 
     of 2974 will be written in normal English, but for the movie, 
     a future-dumbass accent and appropriate slang would be 
     created, as described above.]

25   INT. "MEMORIAL" HOSPITLE - SAME TIME                          25   

     Joe walks through the waiting room.  People are sprawled 
     around with a variety of strange injuries -- a fat guy tangled 
     up trying to take off his sweatshirt who's violently 
     struggling to free himself, a whole family with their hands 
     all stuck in a big jar of food like it's a raccoon trap.

     Joe staggers up to what looks like a fast food counter.  A 
     dull, bored-looking COUNTER WOMAN is behind the counter, 
     wearing a uniform that's halfway between Mcdonalds's and 
     hospital whites.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 22

               Hi.. uh, I was in this army experiment-
               and I'm not feeling so good.  I think 
               I might be seeing things...

                           COUNTER WOMAN

     We see the Counter Woman looking down at a machine that looks 
     like one of those cash registers at Mcdonalds where there 
     are no words or numbers, just pictures, icons depicting 
     various ailments -- a picture of an elbow with pain lines 
     coming out, a picture of a guy with a knife in his head making 
     a frowny face, a guy's butt, a knee, etc.

     She glances up at Joe, back at the key pad, thinking hard:

                           COUNTER WOMAN (CONT'D)

     Finally her finger lands on a key with an icon of a guy 
     shrugging, looking bewildered.  She presses it.

                           COMPUTER VOICE (V.O.)
               Diagnostic, male!

                           COUNTER WOMAN
               Uh... go over there.

     Joe starts to leave then turns around.

               Is there a drinking fountain?

     The woman just points over her shoulder. Joe walks up to the 
     drinking fountain and hits the button.  He starts to drink 
     and then makes a confused, disturbed face.

     He pulls away from the fountain to reveal some fluorescent 
     greenish gatorade-type liquid is being dispensed.  On the 
     side of the fountain is a logo that reads, "RAUNCHO, THE 
     THIRST MUTILATOR." Joe stops a passing doctor.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               Excuse me, I think this is Gatorade 
               or something.  I'm just looking for 
               some regular water?

               Water?  You mean like in the toilet?  
               What for?

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 23

               Just to... drink?

     The Doctor stares at him a beat, then just starts LAUGHING 
     LIKE AN IDIOT and walks off.

26   INT. HOSPITAL - DIAGNOSTIC ROOM - LATER ON                    26   

     Joe is in line leading up to a uniformed TECHNICIAN running 
     what looks like one of those auto-diagnostic machines from 
     Jiffy Lube, or an automated car wash.

     A sad-looking man pulls up his pants as the technician hits 
     a button on the machine.

                           COMPUTER VOICE
                    (you've got mail)
               You've got hepatitis!

     The man looks shocked.  He starts to break down.

                           COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D)
               Hey!  Take it easy!  Your illness is 
               important to us!


     Joe steps up.  The Technician holds up three probes connected 
     to the diagnostic machine.

                           TECHNICIAN (CONT'D)
               Okay.  This one goes in your mouth.

     Joe tentatively opens his mouth.  The technician puts it in.

                           TECHNICIAN (CONT'D)
               This one's for your ear.

     The technician sticks a second probe in Joe's ear.

                           TECHNICIAN (CONT'D)
               And... This one goes in your butt.

     The technician hands Joe a third probe.  Joe looks at it 
     reluctantly, hesitates a beat, then looks at the line of 20 
     people staring at him.

                           GUY IN LINE
               Hurry UP ASSHOLE!!!

     Joe unhappily puts the plug up his butt (0.S.).

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 24

               Shit, wait a second.

     The Technician pulls all three plugs out and stupidly fumbles 
     with the identical cables.

                           TECHNICIAN (CONT'D)
               Okay, one goes in your... No, wait a 

     Joe tries to follow the one that was in his butt like three 
     card monte, but it's a lost cause.  The technician stops 
     shuffling the probes.

                           TECHNICIAN (CONT'D)
               Okay.  This one goes in your mouth.

     Joe stares in horror as the Technician brings the probe closer 
     to his mouth.  Joe hesitates.

                           GUY IN LINE (O.S.)
               COME ON!!! 

                                                          CUT TO:

27   INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM                                  27   

     Joe at the drinking fountain, furiously rinsing and spitting.

28   INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - LATER                                  28   

     Joe sits, waiting for the doctor.  He sees a magazine on the 
     doctor's desk:

     Hot Naked Chicks and World Report.

     Joe picks up the magazine.  He sees the date on it: March 3, 

               Weird misprint.

     Joe flips through it.  He lands on an article: Economy be 
     all bad and shit!/Inflation higher than a motherfucker!  
     Another article: Dust Storms kicking our ass.  On another 
     page, a picture of an impoverished man, with the quote: "I'm 
     fuckin' hungry!"

     The DOCTOR enters, a big, affable lunk holding several charts 
     and computer printouts.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 25

               Hey, how's it going, man?

               Not so good... I'm hallucinating 
               like crazy.  I think it's the drugs 
               these.Army guys put me on.  It's 
               kind of Top Secret, but if you could 
               just get me well enough to get back 
               to Base...

               Uh-huh, uh-huh.  Kick ass.
                    (looking at Joe's 
               Anyway, I don't wanna sound.  Like a 
               dick or nothing, but I looked at 
               your charts and it seems like you're 
               fucked up, you talk like a fag, and 
               your shit may be retarded.  What I'd 
               do, man, is get plenty of rest-

               Wha?  I... I want a second opinion.

                    (holds up Joe's charts)
               OmniPal doesn't lie, man.  But listen -
               there's plenty of 'tards out there 
               living really kickass lives.  My 
               first wife was retarded and she's a 

               Okay, I'm going to another hospital.

               So, that'll be six billion dollars.
                    (hands Joe an invoice))
               So if you can just sign this while I 
               scan you.

               Wait, six billion?  What?

     The Doctor takes Joe's wrist as Joe reads the invoice.  Joe 
     notices the date: March 3, 2974.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               That's funny.  That's the exact same 
               misprint as that magazine over 
               there... What're the odds of...

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 26

     Joe trails off.  His eyes go wide.

     JOE'S POV:

     The date on the magazine, the date on the invoice, the date 
     on the Doctor's desk calendar... Suddenly it all comes 

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               Oh. .. my... God!!!

     As Joe starts freaking out, the doctor notices he doesn't 
     have a UPC tattoo.

               Where's your 'ttoo??

     The doctor reacts by shrieking like a monkey and flailing 
     his arms.  Joe and the doctor are feeding off each other's 
     mutual freak-outs.

                           DOCTOR (CONT'D)
               You're an unscannable!!


     The Doctor hits a button on his desk.  A loud alarm goes 

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               Wait a minute!  You don't understand!


               I need to talk to someone in the 
               Wait a minute.  They're all dead.
                    (freaking out)
               Everyone I know is dead!  Oh God!  
               And Sharon!  I stood her up!  By a 
               thousand years!

     More alarms start going off.  We hear more people in the 
     hospital start screaming: "Unscannable!"  Joe takes off 
     running out of the building.


     Idiocracy                                                             p. 27


     Joe wanders the street, still freaked out.  He stops in front 
     of a Radio Shack type store, and looks through a window at a 
     display of futuristic Tvs.

     We PAN ACROSS the TVs, each one with a network logo in the 
     corner. The first is the Violence Channel, featuring two 
     Butterbean-looking guys hitting each other, then the 
     Masturbation Network featuring two topless women, and finally 
     Fox, featuring two topless women hitting each other.

     Joe just stares, bewildered.

29   EXT. MOVIE THEATRE                                            29   

     Joe stares up at a big stark marquee with the word "ASS" in 
     the middle of it. Underneath, it says, "#1 MOVIE IN AMERICA!"

30   INT. MOVIE THEATRE                                            30   

     On the screen is nothing more than a man's ass, full screen, 
     farting every ten seconds or so.

     We PAN across an audience of scary, Neanderthal people 
     laughing like baboons and stuffing their faces with greasy 
     popcorn, to find Joe sitting alone, horrified.

31   EXT. CATHEDRAL                                                31   

     Joe limps up the steps and opens the grand door.

32   INT. CATHEDRAL                                                32   

     In a wrestling ring at the altar, a steroided-out guy in a 
     Jesus wrestling outfit is doing an incredibly violent 
     wrestling move on a guy in a Devil outfit. The congregation 
     goes nuts as the Devil's manager grabs a folding chair and 
     starts sneaking up on the victorious Jesus.

     Joe backs away, freaked out.

33   EXT. STREET - NIGHT                                           33   

     TIGHT ON Joe's frightened and confused face.

     Joe notices something across the street. It's the Golden 
     Arches. He walks over.


     A woman and her four hungry kids in front of the ugly 
     futuristic vending machine. Under the golden arches is

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 28

     written: "Powered by OmniPal!"  The woman is getting" 
     frustrated, hitting a screen and waving the UPC tattoo on 
     her wrist in front of it. The COMPUTER VOICE, the voice of 
     the omnipresent Omnipal network, has that annoying "Sprint-
     PCS/AOL "You've got mail" voice, disjointed and booming with 
     cheery enthusiasm, even when it's giving you bad news.

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Enjoy your cheeseburger!

               You didn't give me no cheeseburger! 
               I just got an empty can!

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Would you like...another... 

               I DIDN'T GET ANY!!!

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Your account has been charged.
                    (beat as hard-drive 
               You have no more money! Please come 
               back when you can afford to make a 

     The woman BANGS on the machine in frustration. [Note: the 
     following line will be the computer's catchphrase, always 
     delivered in the same condescending, enthusiastic manner o.f 
     Robert Young in the old Maxwell House decaf commercials]

                           COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D)
               Hey! Take it easy!
                    (she bangs again)
               Hey! Take it easy!

               My children are starving! And you 
               took all my money!

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Your children are starving. OmniPal 
               believes that no child should go 
               hungry! You are an unfit mother! Now 
               notifying Child Protective Services!

     We hear a siren in the distance. The woman and her four hungry 
     kids take off running past Joe.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 29

                           COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D)
               Your children will be placed in the 
               custody of McDonald's!

     Joe watches them run off, concerned.

     Suddenly, there's a stampede of dumbass COPS converging on 
     the vending machine. One of the Cops notices Joe:

                           COP 1
               Hey! Is that the unfit mother?

                           COP 2
               No, he's an unscannable!

                           COP 1
               That must be the one from the 
               hospital! Alright!

     Ten cops tackle Joe and handcuff him.

35   EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER                                   35   

     Joe is led, cuffed, to a waiting police car. He struggles 
     against his handcuffs.

     Passersby, laughing stupidly, watch the cops drag him off.

               I can explain! I was in an army 
               experiment! It's not my fault!

     ANGLE ON:

     A cute LITTLE BOY and his MOM. The kid points at Joe.

                           LITTLE BOY
               Mommy, that man talks like a fag!

               Huh huh. He sure does.

36   INT. POLICE CAR- CONTINUOUS                                   36   

     Joe is thrown in the back of the squad car.

     The car looks about 100 years more futuristic than today's 
     cars, but everything looks busted and filthy.

     Out the window, Joe notices something on the street -- RITA'S 

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 30

               Hey, that's the other pod! Rita? 
               She's alive?!  I gotta find her!

     The cop leans back and maces Joe. Joe howls, the cop slams 
     the thick glass partition shut.

     As Joe claws at his eyes, the car begins speaking with the 
     now familiar COMPUTER VOICE.

                           COMPUTER VOICE (V.O.)
               Welcome to police custody! You have 
               the right to -- ERROR IN TWELVE!
                    (a beat)
               I'm sorry, your operation has caused 
               a fatal ACP error. Would you like to 
               report this error?.. Would you like 
               to report this error?.. Would you-

                    (rubbing his eyes in 

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Your operation has caused a fatal 
               ACP error. Would you like to report-

               Fine! Yes!

               VOICE Thank you...
                    (long beat)
               I'm sorry, your request has caused a 
               fatal bit stream error.  Would you 
               like to report this error?

     Finally, Joe snaps.

               Shut up!!

                           COMPUTER VOICE (V.O.)
               Hey! Take it easy! Would you like to 
               report this error?..
                    (on and on)

     Joe starts to thrash around as the car pulls away.

37   EXT. STREET - NIGHT                                           37   

     Rita wanders the street, disoriented, still waking up.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 31

     She finds herself face to face with a guy who makes no attempt 
     to hide his horniness, mumbling unintelligible come-ons, 
     looking her up and down.

                           HORNY GUY
               Aaawww yeeeeah... Mmmmmrn girl... I 
               could groove you real good...

     Rita shakes it off, keeps walking. The guy, undeterred, 
     follows. Rita looks around at her crazy surroundings, trying 
     to put things together.

               What the...? Man, shit's changed in 
               a year... Where are those army guys?

                           HORNY GUY
               Mmrn baby, I got an army in my pants.

     Rita ignores him, notices a futuristic pay phone and walks 
     up to it. She looks at the phone, puzzled.  It's still 
     recognizable as a phone, but there's no keypad.  She 
     tentatively picks up the handset.  

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Welcome to AOL-Time-Warner-Starbucks-
               US Government long distance!  Powered 
               by OmniPal! Please say the name of 
               the party you wish to call!

               Uh. .. Upgrayed?

     Beat, as the hard drive clicks away.

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               There are 9,726 listings for 

     Rita looks at the phone, confused.

                           COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D)
               Please deposit $2,000 to begin 

               Two thousand dollars? Where'm I gonna 
               get two thousand...?

     The Horny Guy holds out a bunch of money, excited. Rita shakes 
     her head, knowing what she has to do.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 32

                           RITA (CONT'D)
                    (to herself)
               Guess shit didn't change all that 

     Rita reluctantly takes the money.

                           RITA (CONT'D)
               Alright hon'. Can you wait a sec' 
               while I make a call?

                           HORNY GUY
               Oooh, yeah baby, I could wait so 

     Rita notices the guy's dumbass demeanor, gets an idea.

               Oh yeah?.. I like a man who can wait.

                           HORNY GUY
               Baby I can wait a long time.

               Could you wait a day?

                           HORNY GUY
               Baby I could wait two days.

     Rita gains confidence.

               Okay... I charge by the hour.

                           HORNY GUY
               Ooooh yeah, you gonna be glad you 
               waited baby...

     The horny guy smugly peels off a bunch of bills.

38   INT. COURTROOM - DAY                                          38   

     The courtroom is a mess, like a run-down inner-city public 
     school classroom. There's garbage everywhere, graffiti. The 
     flag is lying on the floor in a heap.

     An audience of rowdy spectators waits for the trial to begin. 
     The crowd jeers as Joe is wheeled in in a cage.

     A pumped-up BAILIFF in tights walks in with a microphone.  
     He whips up the crowd like an announcer at a wrestling match:

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 33

               Are you ready for some JUSTIIIIIIIICE!

     The crowd goes crazy.

                           BAILIFF (CONT'D)
               Because we've got a fag-talking retard 
               who thinks we oughtta pay his hospital 
               bills! Do you want to pay his hospital 

               Hell, no!

     Joe gets hit with a milkshake.

               I can't hear you!!!


               HELL, NO!!

     The Judge enters. He is surprised and frightened by the noise 
     of the courtroom. He bangs his gavel until everybody shuts 
     up. When he speaks, he seems to be making up big-sounding 
     words as he goes along. He has the stupid confidence of a 
     man who's never encountered anyone smart enough to correct 

               Now since y'all
                    (rolls his eyes)
               Say you ain't got no money, we have 
               proprietarily obtained you one of 
               them court-appointed lawyers.

     Joe's lawyer enters. It's none other than Dizz, the fat guy 
     whose apartment he crashed into.   

               You're my lawyer??

     Dizz opens up a greasy paper bag and pulls out a bunch of 
     crumpled, stained legal briefs. He looks them over.

               So, uh... Says here you robbed a 
               hospital. Why'd you do that?

               I'm not guilty!

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 34

     Dizz shakes his head.

               That's not what the other lawyer 

               What the other-- Listen! You've got 
               to put me on the stand! I can explain 
               everything! We can take them to your 
               house and show them the pod I came 

     The Judge starts banging his gavel.

               Y'all shut up, now! I'm fixing to 
               commencerate this trial here!

     Everyone shuts up.

                           JUDGE (CONT'D)
               Okay, then. We're gonna
                    (showing off the big 
               Utilize the process of deliberation, 
               examining the various puppitudes of 
               this individual, and see If we can't 
               come up with us a verdict up in here. 
               Now, why you think he done it?

     The Prosecutor stands.

     He has a stoned/surfer accent.

     He's wearing a T-shirt that reads "Lawyers Do It in front of 
     a judge"

               Okay, number one, your honor? Just 
               look at him.

     The whole courtroom boos and laughs at Joe.

                           PROSECUTOR (CONT'D)
               And B, we've got all this evidence 
               about how, like, this guy, like, 
               didn't pay at the hospital, okay? 
               Like, six billion dollars?

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 35

                           PROSECUTOR (CONT'D)
               And I heard that he doesn't even 
               have his tattoo. And I'm all... You 
               got to be shitting me! But check it 
               out, man. Judge should be like, 
               Guilty!  Peace!

     The prosecutor sits down, proud of himself as the crowd starts 
     clapping.  Joe looks around at everyone clapping and shouting 
     at him.

               Please! Let me explain what happened!

     Dizz stands indignantly and slams his fists down on the table.


     The court quiets down.  Everyone looks at Dizz.  Joe is 
     pleasantly surprised.  A beat...

               What're you objectifying on?

     Dizz looks unsure for a moment.

                    (whispering to Dizz)
               C'mon, just put me on the stand!

               Okay. Yeah. Okay, your honor?.. I 
               object that this guy also broke my 


               Yeah, your honor!  And I object he's 
               not gonna have any money to pay me 
               after he pays for all the money he 
               stole from the hospital.

               Don't say I stole! You're  lawyer!

     The crowd starts to boo Joe.

               And I object he interrupted me when 
               I was watching "Ow, my Balls!"

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 36

     This is the last straw for the crowd -- they start throwing 
     junk at Joe. Joe stands.

               Okay, uh, your honor I think we have 
               a mistrial or something!

               I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your 
               ass you don't shut up!

     Everyone, including the judge, cracks up. The court is filled 
     with gales of big, stupid laughter.

               Please, listen!

                    (crude Joe 
               "Please, listen!"

     The court cracks up again. Diz leans over and high-fives the 

               I didn't steal anything! I was part 
               of an army experiment, hundreds of 
               years ago. Something must've went 
               wrong. There was a girl, too-

     The crowd starts shouting Joe down.

     The Judge scribbles some notes on a computerized OmniPal 
     tablet and frowns at the results. Then he bangs on his gavel 
     until he has silence.

               Alright, easy everyone. Now, sissified 
               individual makes a bunch of good 
               points, about the, uh, allegationisms 
               of, uh, what transgressed at that 
               particular time.  So I believe...

     Joe hangs on the Judge's every word.

                           JUDGE (CONT'D)

     A long, tense beat. The Judge thinks, the court leans forward. 
     Joe's future hangs in the balance.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 37

                           JUDGE (CONT'D)

     The Judge stands.  He paces, thinking intensely.  He stops, 
     his back to the court.

                           JUDGE (CONT'D)
               My verdict...?

     The Judge drops his pants. 


     "GUILTY!!" Is scrawled across it.

     The crowd explodes.

     Joe miserably bangs his head on the table.

               He's going to...
                    (crowd joins in)

     Joe, miserable, looks at the screaming crowd. 

     Bailiffs grab Joe roughly and haul him off.

39   INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING - DAY                                39   

     Joe is in line with his police escort.  Various other people 
     are in various lines getting passports, driver's licenses, 

               What're we doing here?

               Gettin' your tattoo.

     Joe is lead by a leash to what looks like a big ATM with a 
     computer terminal mounted on it. It says "OmniPal E-Z ID" on 

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Welcome to the identity processing 
               program of America! Please insert 
               your arm in the arm receptacle!

     Joe slides his arm into a hole in the machine. His arm 
     disappears into the machine up to his elbow. We hear the 
     machine tighten its grip on Joe like a blood pressure machine -- 
     he isn't going anywhere.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 38

                           COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D)
               Thank you! Please speak your name as 
               it appears on your current federal 
               identity card, document number 2... 
               4... G... 3.

     Joe looks totally puzzled.

               I'm not sure if I have an identity 
               card. But my name is-

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               You have entered the name... NOT 
               SURE. Is this correct, NOT SURE?

               What? No! It's not correct

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Thank you! "Not" is correct! Is "Sure" 

               What??  No!  No,it's not! Go back!  
               Cancel!  You've got the wrong name! 
               My name Joe Bowers! Not "Not Sure"--

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               You have already confirmed your first 
               name is "Not"! Please confirm your 
               last name, "Sure"!

               No! My last name is not "Sure"! I 
               mean-- no, wait!

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Thank you, Not Sure!  Your 
               confirmation is complete! Please 
               wait a minute while I tattoo your 
               new identity on your arm!

     Panicked, Joe tries to yank his arm out of the machine. It 
     won't budge.

               No! Stop!  Give me my arm back!

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Hey, take it easy!

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 39

     The machine begins tattooing Joe's arm. It's very painful. 
     We hear loud buzzing sounds. Joe tries to pull his hand out 
     to no avail.


     A progress bar indicates Joe's tattoo is almost done.

     As Joe screams and pummels the computer with his free hand, 
     a camera flash goes off. We see a picture of Joe's face 
     twisted in anger on the monitor with Sure, Not" printed along 
     with his height, eye color, fingerprints, etc. Like a driver's 

                           COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D)
               Thank you, NOT SURE. Your 
               identification file is now complete.

40   EXT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING - LATER                              40   

     Another bland federal building.

               C'mon... Gotta get your IQ and 
               appatude tests.

               What for?

               To figure out what your appatude is 
               good at-and get you your jail job.

41   INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING - LATER                              41   

     Rows of people are sitting at testing stations wearing 

     They're doing dumb little tests like putting pegs into holes, 
     matching colored blocks, touching their noses, etc.

     Joe is sitting at one of the testing stations, wearing a 
     pair of headphones. Next to him, a guy is furiously trying 
     to jam a round peg into a square hole. We hear the voice 
     coming from Joe's headphones:

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               If you have one bucket that holds 
               two gallons and another bucket that 
               holds five gallons, how many buckets 
               do you have?

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 40

     Joe looks confused, like it shouldn't be that easy, then 
     leans towards a microphone.


42   INT. PADDY WAGON - DAY - MOVING                               42   

     Joe sits in a bus full of the scariest degenerates you've 
     ever seen.

43   EXT. PRISON YARD - LATER                                      43   

     The prisoners are herded off the bus and into the prison.

44   INT. PRISON - CHECK-IN - DAY                                  44   

     Joe is shoved into a room where PRISON GUARDS are preparing 
     new inmates for life in prison -- they're taking their 
     clothes, giving them uniforms and sending them into various 
     lines -- Maximum Security, Minimum Security, Parole.

                           PRISON GUARD

     Joe holds out his hand. The Guard scans it.

                           PRISON GUARD (CONT'D)
               Over there.

     The Guard shoves Joe towards one of the lines.

     JOE'S POV:

     Out in the Prison Exercise Yard, a scary, angry 400-pound 
     man is sitting, naked, on the ground.  His horrible folds of 
     fat cover up what we can only assume are the world's most 
     disgusting genitals.

     A closer look reveals that he is actually sitting on the 
     face of some poor bastard trapped beneath him. The trapped 
     man's legs kick futilely.

     Joe stares in disbelief at this horrific image. The man 
     catches Joe looking, points to the guy below him and clearly 
     mouths "You're next."

     Joe recoils.

     Joe is now at the front of the line, looking panicked. He's 
     about to be sent off to lockdown. Desperate and terrified, 
     he gets an idea.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 41

                    (to guard, tentative)
               Uh, actually... I'm getting out of 
               prison today?

     A beat. The guard just stares at Joe, trying hard to process 
     this... then smacks Joe upside the head.

                           PRISON GUARD 2
               You're in the wrong line, dumbass!

               Yeah, uh... I'm a big dumbass. Sorry.

     The guard grabs Joe, buzzes him through a security gate, 
     then shoves him into the "parole" line.

     A third guard scans Joe's UPC and checks his computer 

                           PRISON GUARD 3
               Uh... Uh, yeah. I don't see you in 
               here, so you're gonna have to, uh, 
               stay in prison.

               Could you check again? 'Cause I was, 
               like, definitely in prison.
                    (points off)
               That guy sat on my face and 

     The guard looks off, then looks down at his terminal, getting 
     confused. The guard concentrates very hard, looking for Joe's 

     After a beat, Joe takes off running. Everyone just watches 
     him go.

     Alarms start going off like crazy.

     Everyone just keeps standing around. The guards look confused 
     and frightened.

45   EXT. CITY STREETS - MOMENTS LATER                             45   

     Joe is running as fast as he ever has. He seems to have put 
     some distance between himself and the cops. But as he runs 
     past some kind of vending machine, we see an infrared beam 
     silently scan his UPC.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 42

46   EXT. CITY STREET - LATER                                      46   

     Joe stops for a moment, totally out of breath. He looks up 
     and recognizes a familiar billboard -- the Carltons Cigarettes 
     ad. He then notices his pod through the broken window of 
     Dizz's apartment.

47   INT. DIZZ'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS                            47   

     Dizz is sitting in front of the TV in his La-Z-John, eating 
     marshmallowy goop with his hands from a giant tub labeled -

                           TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
               You're watching The Masturbation 
               Network. America's number one network 
               for 300 years!


     The TV starts pumping out some primitiv bootknocking jam. 
     Dizz settles in, gets comfortable. The mood is broken by a 
     loud knock on the. door.

               Go 'way! 'Bating!

     The knocking keeps going. Dizz gets up, not happy, and opens 
     the door.

     Joe runs in, slams the door and pulls down the shades. He 
     looks around, totally paranoid.

                           DIZZ (CONT'D)
               Hey, get out of here!

               No way! You just let me, an innocent 
               man, get thrown into jail!

               Yeah, well... you broke my house.

               Yeah, well... I could have you 
               disbarred. Then maybe you'd go to 
               jail for not having money.

     Dizz looks scared.


     Idiocracy                                                             p. 43

               Okay look, you're the only person I 
               know. You gotta help me.

               So, what do you want me to do?

               Well, I've been thinking -- it's 
               been a thousand years, someone's' 
               gotta have invented a way to travel 
               back in time by now. I mean, I think 
               they were pretty close, even back in 
               my day. Something with Einstein or 


               You know, like a time machine?


     Joe looks around, from Dizz's.slack face, to the tub of 
     "Food," to the TV. He slumps against the wall.

               I guess that was too much to hope 

               Oh, no, they got a time machine.

               They do? Are you sure? Can it take 
               me back to 2003?

               Yeah, but it's like really expensive 
               and it breaks all the time?  Cuz 
               some guy made it a long time ago?

               I don't care, you've gotta take me 

               Look, I supersize with you, but didn't 
               you go to jail for not having any 

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 44

     Joe is stumped. Then, a brainstorm!

               Okay, how about this?  You get me to 
               the time machine, and when I get 
               back home, I open a savings account 
               in your name. 1000 years later, it'll 
               be worth billions!

     Dizz stares at Joe blankly.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               Cuz of the interest. You'll have 
               billions of dollars!

               I like money. How many billions?

                    (making it up)
               Uh... Like, ten!

               Time machine costs 20.

               Okay, then... 30! 30 billion dollars!

     Dizz chews it over.

               if I had 30 and the time machine 
               cost 20... What's the minus of 20 
               and 30?

               It' s, uh....
                    (seeing an opportunity)
               Well, that's 80 billion dollars, 
               Dizz. That's a mighty big minus.

               Yeah. I like money.

     There's a KNOCK at the door.

                           COP (O.S.)
               Police! Open the door! We're looking 
               for an escaped individual, goes by 
               the name, "Not Sure"!

     Dizz looks at Joe, then at the door, unsure of what to do.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 45

               80 billion.

     A beat.

               He's, uh... Somewhere else.

                           COP (O.S.)
               A coke machine in the vicinity caught 
               his 'ttoo, seemed to be heading for 
               this domicile.

               Well, uh... you can't come in.

               Can too!

     The cops start smashing down the door. Dizz and Joe look at 
     the broken window.

               Let's go get my money.

     The two of them jump out the window just as the cops kick 
     the door in.

48   EXT. DIZZ'S APARTMENT - NIGHT                                 48   

     Dizz and Joe land hard on the street and run towards Dizz's 
     car. They get in the car. Dizz starts it up.

               Okay, there's just one more thing. 
               We gotta go find this girl first.

               Uh... Um... Is she hot?

               Um, yeah actually, she's not bad.  

               Cuz that wasn't really part of the 

     A cop jumps out the window and starts running towards the 

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 46

               Okay, I'll throw in another ten 
               billion, just go!

     Dizz hits the gas. They peel out.

49   EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER                                   49   

     Dizz's electric car turns a corner. We hear sirens approaching 
     in the distance.

               Okay, her pod is up here on the right, 
               so she shouldn't be too far away... 
               I hope...

50   EXT. ANOTHER STREET - SAME TIME                               50   

     Horny Guy negotiates with Rita.

                           HORNY GUY
               So when are we gonna do it?  'Cause 
               you said 10,000 dollars an hour, and 
               it's been, like, three days?

               Oh, yeah, soon baby. Why don't you 
               come back tomorrow?

     The guy peels off a bunch of 10,000 bills.

                           HORNY GUY
               Yeah, yeah, baby, cuz when I finally 
               ut-i-lize you, you gonna be payin' 

     The guy leaves.

                    (calling off)
               And you're still on the clock!

     Dizz' s car comes around a corner. Joe calls out.

                           JOE (O.S.)
               Rita! It's me, Joe.

               Huh? Ohhh yeah. What-

               Get in the car! Quick!

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 47

               What the hell's going on anyway? 
               What happened to--?

     Police sirens get louder.

               I'll explain everything later, just 
               get in the car!

     Rita jumps in the car and Dizz takes off.

51   INT. DIZZ'S CAR - CONTINUOUS                                  51   

     Dizz takes off as fast as he can. The sirens get louder. 
     Rita notices, as the cops turn the corner, now only a block 

               Wait a minute...You've got cops after 


               And you made me get in the car?! I 
               got two strikes asshole!

               I'm just trying to help you!

               Help me? What'd you do to get cops 
               after you?!

               He robbed a hospital.

               No I didn't!

               Oh yeah. He also escaped from jail.

     The cops are gaining on them.

               Come on! Step on the gas Dizz!

               What's "gas?"

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 48

               Just go faster!

     Suddenly another HUGE DUST STORM blows in, completely 
     obscuring their view. Dizz turns a corner and manages to 
     lose the cops in all the dust.

52   INT. DIZZ'S CAR - LATER                                       52   

     The dust clears. Dizz's' electric car putters through the 
     city streets. We hear sirens fade in the distance. Joe looks 
     around cautiously as Rita freaks out in the back seat.

               It's been a thousand years?! 
               Upgrayed's gonna kill me! He gets 
               mad when I'm a day late with his 

               Your boyfriend?

               Ah... he's sort of a manager too.

               Well, if you owed him money, you 
               don't have to worry Rita, he's been 
               dead hundreds of years.

               But you said there's a time machine!

               Yeah, there's a time machine, not 
               back then.

               You don't know Upgrayed. Upgrayed 
               don't care where the time machine is -- 
               now, then, last week -- he'll find a 
               way to come get me.

               I don't think you understand-

     Rita pulls a wad of bills out of her bra.

               I promised him I'd only be gone a 
               year. I've gotta get this back to 

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 49

     Joe picks up the money and looks at it.

     The $10,000 bill looks like a garish, over-detailed Master P 
     album cover. In the center is a long-haired former president 
     with his arms around two bikini girls, a 40 in each hand, 
     and a giant dollar sign gold necklace. Various slogans are 
     plastered around: "Ten Thousand bucks," "That's what I'm 
     talkin' about," "Gettin' Paid," "Haulin' Ass."

               I'm not sure this money is going to 
               be good back in 2003.

     Rita laughs knowingly, snatches the money back.

               I'll let you tell that to Upgrayed... 
               Damn! A thousand years? What happened?

               I don't know... Maybe they just forgot 
               about us...

     Joe just shakes his head, sadly.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               Everyone must've forgotten about 

               That's bad, man. Really supersize 
               with you.

     Joe leans his arm out the window.


     As they pass an ATM machine, a light scans across Joe's UPC 

     Dizz's dashboard computer comes to life.

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Dizz Jeeter! You are harboring a 
               fugitive by the name of Not Sure!

     Joe's mug shot appears on the monitor.

                           COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D)
               Please pullover and wait for the 
               police to incarcerate your passenger! 
               Thank you for your help!

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 50

     The car starts to slow down.

               What are you doing?

               It shut off my battery.

53   EXT. STREET - NIGHT                                           53   

     Dizz, Joe and Rita abandon the stalled car and take off 
     running across. the street towards the first place they see-- 
     a fancy nightclub.

               Come on! We can hide in there!

     Joe, Rita and Dizz try to blend into the line leading into 
     the club.  Inside, futuristically hip people are dancing and 
     having a great time.

     As the line moves forward, we see it leads up to a ROBO 
     BOUNCER ("Powered by OmniPal!") who scans each person's UPC 
     and looks them up and down before admitting them into the 

     The ROBO BOUNCER scans a guy's hand.  It speaks in the same 
     familiar Computer Voice.

                           ROBO BOUNCER
               You are too...
                    (hard-drive whirring)
               POOR and UGLY to enter!

     The guy shuffles off. The bouncer scans a girl's hand.

                           ROBO BOUNCER (CONT'D)
               You are too... FLAT CHESTED to enter!

     The girl looks shocked and hurt.

                           ROBO BOUNCER (CONT'D)
               Hey, take it easy!

     Joe, Dizz and Rita are next in line. Joe puts out his hand, 
     then realizes, and tries to pull it back.

               Oh, shit, what am I doing?

                           ROBO BOUNCER
               You are too... WANTED BY THE POLICE! 
               Please wait here for incarceration!

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 51

     They take off running. A guy gets his hand scanned.

                           ROBO BOUNCER (CONT'D)
               You are too... DARK SKINNED to enter!


     Joe, Rita, Dizz hear a big noise. They turn and look down 
     the street in horror as the police converge on Dizz's car 
     and start blasting away at it with guns.

     The cops, dumb-looking and incredibly well-armed, are totally 
     indiscriminate --shoulder-mounted missiles are straying into 
     apartment buildings, etc.

     One cop has his shoulder-mounted missile on backwards. It 
     fires out the back, goes straight up -- after a beat, a plane 
     crashes in the background.

     People get excited by the violence. They start cheering the 
     cops on. Random fights start breaking out.

     Joe,  Rita, and Dizz run for their lives. They manage to put 
     a couple blocks between them and the police.

54   EXT. STREET - SUNRISE                                         54   

     They round a corner, haggard. They are under a badly designed, 
     unfinished freeway overpass -- way too many levels, piles of 
     unused hardened concrete, etc.

               How much further is it?

               A few miles I think.

     Rita sags, Joe leans against the side of pillar, rubbing his 
     head, squinting at the early morning sun.

               Oh man. I'm still groggy. 1000 yeas 
               of sleep... Boy, I could really go 
               for a Starbucks.

               Yeah, well, I don't think we got 
               time for a handjob right now.

     Joe and Rita look at each other, confused.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 52

                           DIZZ (CONT'D)
               Anyway, Walmart's up there, they got 
               a shuttle that'll take us right near 
               the time machine.

     Dizz points to a mind-bogglingly gigantic Walmart surrounded 
     by a shantytown of homeless people.

     Joe and Dizz take off running towards the Walmart.

55   EXT. WALMART - MOMENTS LATER                                  55   

     Joe, Dizz and Rita make their way towards the front gate. As 
     they get there, they see 20 cops pull up. They quickly try 
     to disappear into the crowd of beggars. Joe and Dizz push 
     through the mob of starving homeless people clamoring to get 

               I can't let them see my tattoo, so 
               you pay for us, okay?

               Uh, okay.

     Dizz's runs his hand over a scanner next to the front 

                           DIZZ (CONT' D) (CONT'D)

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Dizz Jeeter! You were harboring a 
               fugitive today! Are you still 
               harboring a fugitive?

     Dizz looks nervous.

               Say, "no"!

               Uh... no.

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Thank you! Do you know the whereabouts 
               of fugitive Not Sure?

               Uh... No?

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 53

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Thank you!

     The three enter through the automatic revolving door.

     As they exit, a feeble, elderly lady approaches the entrance 
     on her walker. She scans her UPC.

                           COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D)
               Velveeta Jordan! Have you seen any 
               dangerous criminals in the vicinity?

               Well... I'm not sure...

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Thank you! You are "Not Sure"! You 
               are a wanted criminal!

     Suddenly, the revolving door clamps shut, trapping Velveeta 

                           COMPUTER VOICE (CONT'D)
               Please step away from the criminal 
               while I notify authorities! Sorry 
               for the inconvenience!

     The frightened old woman starts banging on the glass.

     We HOLD on the revolving door as several cops hack it open 
     with axes.

               Yeah! We got him!

     The cops grab Velveeta, roughly throw her to the ground, and 
     hog-tie her.

56   INT. WALMART - MAIN ROOM                                      56   

     Joe, Rita and Dizz walk into a huge marketplace. It stretches 
     the length of several football fields. It has everything 
     from Tvs to herds of goats. It is lit mostly by a huge rotted-
     out hole in the ceiling.

     They jog by the GREETER on their way to. the main shopping 

               Welcome to Walmart, I love you.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 54

               Um... Thanks.

     As other patrons enter

               Welcome to Walmart, I love you... 
               Welcome to Walmart, I love you...

               Shuttle bus is over near electronics.  
               It's 'bout a half a mile from here.

57   INT. WALMART - LATER                                          57   

     Joe, Rita and Dizz are still running through Walmart. We see 
     many shops within shops. They pass a "Yogurt, My Ass!" 
     franchise, and a "Starbucks Exotic Coffee for Men" with a 
     line of guys out the door. A sign reads, "Latte, $2000.

     'Extra Foam' $500,000,000." Scantily-clad baristas help 

     Dizz slows down, out of breath.

               We've been running forever. How much 
               further is it?

               'Bout half a mile.

               That's what you said an hour ago! 
               Are you sure you know where we're 

               Yeah, I know this place pretty good. 
               I went to law school here.

               In Walmart?

               Yep. Got a fart scholarship.

               A what?

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 55

               Fart scholarship.  Took the fart 
               team to nationals in '68. 'Course 
               that was when I was in shape. I gotta 
               slow down.

     They slow to a walk.

58   INT. WALMART - A LITTLE LATER                                 58   

     Joe, Rita and Dizz walk through a huge appliance area.

               Why do you guys wanna go back so 
               bad? When I studied history in school, 
               they said the past was stupid.

               Well maybe it was, but at least I 
               wasn't wanted by the police...
               I also had a pension coming, and a 
               pretty nice girlfriend who probably 
               died thinking I stood her up...

               Well, I got no choice. Upgrayed's 
               gonna be so pissed off if I don't 
               get back.

               Rita, I'm not sure you understand 
               this completely--

               No, I don't think you understand.

59   INT. WALMART - SHUTTLE STOP - DAY                             59   

     They arrive at the shuttle stop.

               Shuttle comes every few minutes. 
               Shouldn't be too long.

               Do I have time to use the bathroom?

     Dizz starts laughing stupidly . Rita rolls her eyes.

                           RITA (CONT'D)
               I'll be right back.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 56

     Rita leaves, (back in the direction they came from) Joe and 
     Dizz wait. Dizz checks her out.

               Mmmm. She's hot.. You mind if I hit 
               that? I like having sex with chicks.

               I think everyone does, Dizz.

               Yeah, but I like it a lot. Ooooh...

     Joe looks on, kind of disturbed, as Dizz breaks into a weird 
     booty dance, making an embarrassing, primitive sex face.

                           DIZZ (CONT'D)
               Aw, yeah!!

     The dance goes on a couple beats beyond what is funny. People 
     start to look.

               Dizz... Cut it out! You're gonna get 
               us caught I

     As Joe waves his hand, trying to get Dizz to stop, we see a 
     TV in the furniture section scan Joe's tattoo.


                           COMPUTER VOICE
               Warning! OmniPal has detected a 
               dangerous fugitive near Walmart 
               shuttle stop 5C!

               Dammit ! Come on, let's get Rita!

     Joe and Dizz take off towards Rita, but then they see cop 
     cars -- indoors -- heading from that direction straight for 
     them, blocking their path to the bathrooms. They stop.

     The shuttle pulls up. The doors open. Joe takes a step towards 
     the shuttle, then stops.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               Dammit!  What do we do now!?  We 
               can't just leave her here...

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 57

     On all the TVs in the furniture section, the bad picture of 
     Joe from the ID machine appears.

                           COMPUTER VOICE
               The fugitive goes by the name Not 
               Sure, and is described as "a fag." 
               Free Starbucks gift "certificate to 
               whoever apprehends him!

     Suddenly, 100s of guys snap to attention and start looking 
     all over for him. Joe keeps his head down, trying not to be 
     noticed. The shuttle is about to leave, as the last few people 
     get on. Joe is torn.

               Damn!  If we go get her it's suicide. 
               If we wait for her, we miss the 
               shuttle, and I'm busted for sure...
                    (gets an idea)
               Wait, I know... How 'bout we go to 
               the time machine. Then, when I qat 
               back to the past, I could just tell 
               Rita not to do the experiment. Then 
               she won't even be here. That'11 work, 

     Dizz stares at Joe, looking like he's about to have a mental 
     hernia trying to wrap his mind around this.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               But wait a minute, she  here so... 
               that means I didn't go back in time?


     Sirens get closer. A guy recognizes Joe and starts yelling.

               Okay, no, wait. I just haven't done 
               it yet. Right?  So I'll go back, 
               tell her not to do the experiment, 
               then I won't have to do it either, 
               because I won't have to come here 
               and rescue her if she's not... no, 
               wait a second...

               Uuh... Cops?

     We now see the cop cars closing in.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 58

               But... Wait, maybe I already did go 
               back and told her not to do it and 
               she disappeared, but I just didn't 
               see it... But then... what am I still 
               doing here?.. Did I come back for 
               another... At any point did you notice 
               two of me?

     Joe clutches his head, collapsing under the weight of the 
     concept, as the sirens converge.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               Dammit, how does this time travel 

     The shuttle leaves. The cops pile out of their cars.

     Joe and Dizz start to run, but it's no use. The cops grab 
     Joe, and throw him into the back of a squad car.


                           JOE (CONT'D)

     Dizz presents more of a problem to the cops -- he tries to 
     get under a nearby cop car, rolling around in the dirt, 
     totally undignified. The cops drag him out and throw him in 
     a different car.

     ANGLE ON THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM: Rita comes out just in time 
     to see the cop cars pulling away with Joe and Dizz. She 
     watches, a little scared. A cop starts to glance her way. 
     Before he can see her, she ducks behind a couch.


60   INT. SQUAD CAR                                                60   

     Joe is in the back seat. Two COPS. sit up front.

                           JOE (O.S.)
               Can I just-

               That's enough of your bullshit, sir.

     One of the Cops leans over and casually Maces Joe. He recoils, 
     rubbing his eyes and screaming in pain.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 59

                           COP (CONT'D)
                    (looks at computer 
               Alright, says here we're supposed to 
               take this alleged individual... To 
               the White House?!

                           COP 2

               Yeah.  Says the president wants to 
               see him.

     Joe barely manages to crack his burned eyes open in surprise.

               The President?

     The Cop brandishes the Mace.

               Sir, I'm not telling you again.

     Joe flinches.

61   EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE                                          61   

     The same White House, but with graffiti all over it, a casino 
     attached, a bunch of junked cars on the grass, and a 
     Presidential limo up on blocks.

     A bunch of girls in bikinis lay out in the yard. The cop car 
     pulls up.

62   EXT. STREET -DAY                                              62   

     Rita walks out of the Walmart. She stops a passing guy.

               Excuse me, could you tell me where 
               the, ah, time machine is.

     The guy looks her up and down.

               Baby, I. got a time machine in my 


     Rita keeps walking. The guy calls off to her.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 60

               Yeah baby, and it's even bigger than 
               the one' at the Science Center.

                    (to herself)
               Science Center?

63   INT. OVAL OFFICE                                              63   

     Joe is shoved roughly into the room. There are three cabinet 
     members -- ATTORNEY GENERAL, a Chyna type, SECRETARY OF 
     DEFENSE, A Hispanic bouncer looking guy, and SECRETARY OF 
     STATE, a 14-year-old boy. They all wear shorts and outfits 
     that look like Wal-Mart Halloween costumes with themes based 
     on their jobs.

               Wait a minute. I 'm the smartest guy 
               in the world? Says who?

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               That IQ test you took in prison. You 
               got the highest score in history.

                           14 YEAR OLD
               Yeah, dumbass. That's how come 
               President Camacho's makin' you 
               Secretary of Interior. Cuz you're so 
               smart. I'm the Secretary. of state, 
               that's the Secretary of Defense and 
               she's the Attorney General.

               Look, this has got to be some kind 
               of mistake. That test was too easy. 
               I am not the smartest guy in the 

     Joe takes in the dull faces of the Cabinet Members, Dizz, 
     the Cops, the official oil portrait of the current president 
     on the wall with a bad haircut and a Captain-America looking 
     outfit, making a stupid heavy metal face.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               Okay even if that's true, I can't be 
               Secretary of Interior! I don't even 
               know what that is!

     The Cop advances on Joe, brandishing his mace.

               Sir, I'm not gonna tell you again.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 61

     A SECRET SERVICE GUY wearing only black tights, sunglasses, 
     and an earpiece, grabs the cop and does an atomic pile driver 
     on him. Joe backs away, shaken.

     PRESIDENT CAMACHO enters with a couple of groupies. Be 
     whispers to them to wait outside, something about having to 
     "take care of some bi'ness baby." They take off his coat a 
     la James Brown.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               So where's my new Secretary of 

     Everyone points to Joe. Camacho walks over to Joe, towering 
     over him.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO (CONT'D)
               So you're smart, huh?
                    (sizes him up)
               I thought your head would be bigger.

     The deposed FORMER SECRETARY OF INTERIOR enters, furious.

     He's built like a bouncer.

                           FORMER SECRETARY
               Where is he?!?  Where's the little 
               pencildick that took my job?!
                    (points at Joe)
               Is that him??

     The Former Secretary rips off his shirt and charges at Joe. 
     Secret Service agents restrain him with various wrestling 

     Joe, terrified, hops on a table, dodging the mass of bodies. 
     The 14-year-old Secretary of the State starts crying.

               I'm sorry! I'm Sorry! I don't even 
               want the job!

     The Cop charges at Joe again.

               Alright, that's it!  You're going 

     The Secretary of Defense clotheslines the Cop, causing him 
     to mace Former Secretary full in the face. Former Secretary 
     screams, flailing his huge arms.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 62

     Former Secretary, blinded, manages to throw off the secret 
     service and comes at Joe. Former Secretary falls on the table, 
     smashing it and sending Joe to the ground. Camacho runs up 
     and kicks Former Secretary in the gut. He goes down and stays 

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO

     As the melee continues, Joe seizes the opportunity and makes 
     a beeline for the door. A cop steps between Joe and the exit, 
     brandishing a giant, scary-looking gun.

               I can't let you do that, Secretary 
               Not Sure.

     The fight stops. Camacho cold-cocks Former Secretary for 
     good measure.

               Look, I don't understand. I don't 
               wanna be Secretary of the Interior, 
               why are you making me?

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               Cuz you're the smartest guy in the 
               world. And we got all these problems
                    (yelling down at Former 
               That this asshole couldn't fix!

     Camacho kicks him again for good measure.

               What problems?

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               All the crops be dying for some 
               reason, and people are running out 
               of food and shit and there's all 
               these dust storms which caused that 
               garbage abulanche and the economy's 
               all bad and shit.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               Yeah, and it's really hurting me in 
               the polls.

               But I don't know how to be a secretary 
               of anything. I've never even voted!

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 63

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               Well you better start votin' or 
               whatever you gotta do to figure this 
               shit out, before I kick your smart 
               balls all the way up the roof of 
               your smart mouth.

     Joe backs away, scared.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO (CONT'D)
               Ah I'm just fuckin' wi' ya... But 
               seriously, you better solve that 
               shit. If you solve it, I'll get you 
               a full presidential pardon. If you 
               don't, you're goin' back to prison.

     Camacho starts to leave, stops by the door.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO (CONT'D)
                    (to secret service, 
                    re: Joe)
               Watch him. He's smart.  He's important 
               too, so if he tries to leave shoot 

     Camacho leaves.

     The cabinet members all stare at Joe for a beat, slackjawed.

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               Do something smart.

               Uh, well... I think it would be pretty 
               smart if you guys could get my lawyer, 
               Dizz, here because... well, he's 
               really good at figuring stuff out... 
               and stuff.

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               Hmmm. .. okay.

     Various cabinet members nod.

               And also, there's this girl named 
               Rita. You think you could bring her 
               here too?


     Idiocracy                                                             p. 64

                    (trying to Come up 
                    with something)
               Uh... Well... Uh, you know...

     The cabinet members mistake his hesitation for innuendo, 
     immediately getting the wrong idea. They start laughing like 
     idiots and doing the finger-in-hole gesture. The 14-year-old 
     gets so excited he busts out into an R. Kelly style song.

               Secretary Not Sure gonna uuuu-
               tiliiiiiize a girl ned Ri-taaaaa. 
               They gonna have interco-o-o-ourse in 
               a sexual wa-a-a-a-a-ay!

     Joe goes along with it.

               Yeah. Alright. So you can bring her 
               here, right?

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               Ooooh yeah... Butt first!

     All the Cabinet Members laugh and high-five the Secretary of 
     Defense. Joe joins in weakly.


     Congresspersons are having a raucous good time greeting each 
     other -- slapping each other on the back, throwing gang 
     signals, etc.

     Joe is escorted to a seat by his guards.

     The lights dim and the crowd falls into an excited hush. The 
     room begins to fill with dry ice smoke.

     Strobe lights start flashing in time with heavy techno jock 
     jam music... Which leads into an all-out light show.

     Laker Girl-looking Dancers run out into the middle of this. 
     The spotlight hits them and they start freaking each other 
     in a way that skirts bad taste.

     The President struts out, waving a towel over his head.

     After a few "Hell yeah"s, he calms the crowd down and begins 
     to read his speech off a Teleprompter.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 65

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO

     ANGLE ON the Teleprompter. It reads, "Shit.." It scrolls 
     down, "I know shit's...

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO (CONT'D)
               I know shit's bad right now. With 
               all that starving bullshit. But I 
               got a solution.

     The crowd starts to get ugly.

                           CONGRESSMAN 1
               That's what you said last time 

                           CONGRESSMAN 2
               I got a solution. YOU'RE A DICK!!!
               South Carolina! What's up!

     The crowd cheers. People start firing guns in the air. ANGLE 
     ON Joe looking terrified.

     Fed up, Pres!ent Camacho reaches down and pulls out an even 
     HUGER SCARIER GUN, fires a couple warning shots in the air. 
     The crowd quickly shuts up.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               That's what I thought... Now I 
               understand everyone's shit's emotional 
               right now.  But listen up. I got a 
               three point plan to fix everything. 
               Number one, we got this guy Not Sure.

     Joe appears live on the jumbotron.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO (CONT'D)
               Number two, he's smarter than anyone 
               in history, and number three, he's 
               gonna fix everything! I give you my 
               word as President!

     The crowd starts to rally.  Joe looks uneasy.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO (CONT'D)
               He'll fix the starvation! And that 
               ain't all... 

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 66

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO (CONT'D)
                    (Jimmy Swaggart rhythm)
               I give you my word, he's gonna fix 
               the , crops too!  And I give you my 
               word, he's gonna fix the dust storms!

     ANGLE ON JUMBOTRON: Joe tries to interrupt, weakly raising a 
     hand, but he's ignored. The crowd is eating this up.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO (CONT'D)
               He's gonna fix the economy! He's 
               gonna fix ,the abulanchesl He's gonna 
               fix the problems with the cars! Ladies 
               and gentleman, the new Secretary of 
               the Interior, NOT SUUUUUURE!

     The crowd goes wild, starts shooting guns in the air. 
     President Camacho feeding off their enthusiasm, picks up his 
     even huger gun and starts enthusiastically spraying the 
     ceiling with bullets. 

     The jumbotron, with Joe's terrified face, gets hit with a 
     bullet, and explodes like that scene from "The Natural."

65   INT. TUNNEL - MOMENTS LATER                                   65   

     The crowd files out. Joe comes out, still surrounded by Secret 
     Service Guards. Dizz is brought to him.

               Congratulations man. I didn't know 
               you were smart. Shit, they got me a 
               room in the White House! Everyone 
               gets laid at the White House. 

     Joe leans in to Dizz.

               Look, I'm glad you're happy about 
               it, but I brought you here cuz I 
               need your help. I don't know what 
               he's talking about. I can't solve 
               all these problems.  I want you to 
               draw me a map to the time machine 
               and leave it in my coat pocket. You 
               got that?


               You still want that money don't you?

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 67

               Oooh yeah. Man if I had money and a 
               room at the White House...

     Dizz starts going into his filthy booty dance and making 
     vulgar noises. Joe stops him.

               Cut it out. I told everyone you were 
               really smart, so act smart okay?

               Smart? You mean like you?
                    (whiney, uptight, 
                    overly effeminate 
                    imitation of Joe)
               "Get me back to the time machine so 
               I can see my girlfriend. She thinks 
               I stood her up..."

               I don't sound like that.

                    (whiney, annoying)
               "I don't sound like that."

     A guard turns around, kind of surprised. .

               Shit, I thought there were two of 

66   EXT. SCIENCE CENTER - DAY                                     66   

     It's similar to the Seattle Science center -- kind of like a 
     huge college campus, but for dumbasses.

     Rita looks for the time machine. She heads up some steps 
     into what looks like it could be the Smithsonian. We PULL 
     OUT to reveal she is heading into THE NATIONAL FART MUSEUM.

67   INT. NATIONAL FART MUSEUM - DAY                               67   

     Rita wanders through, looking for the time machine. There 
     are dioramas of cavemen hunting, T-rex skeletons, recreations 
     of the Apollo moon landing, abstract sculpture. All the 
     displays have. one thing in common: a continuous audio track 
     of various farts.

     Rita passes a kindergarten class being led on a tour, then 
     up to a diorama featuring a life-size stuffed wolly mammoth.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 68

     She sees a button down below the glass and pushes it. A LONG, 
     LOW FART is heard.

     Rita shakes her head and keeps walking. Suddenly, she's 
     grabbed by a bunch of Secret service cops.

               What the hell?!

               You're coming with us!

68   INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY             68   

     Various cabinet members around the conference table. Dizz is 
     there, too. Joe is led in by his guards. He's pushed into a 
     chair a little more roughly than is necessary.

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               Oh good.  He's here.

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               So did you solve all the problems 

               Ah... Well, no.

     The cabinet members are all stunned and annoyed.

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               What?!  Why not?!

               Well... I just got here yesterday. 
               I've been in my room all night. The 
               guards wouldn't let me go anywhere

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               Oh man. President Camacho is 
               definitely gonna be pissed off.

               Well, what does he expect? It's 
               gonna... take some time.

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               I think he said one week.


     Idiocracy                                                             p. 69

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               He did a press conference this 
               morning, and told everyone you'd 
               have everything solved in one week -- 
               starvation, crops, the economy, the 
               dust storms, the garbage abulanches, 
               and a bunch other stuff.

               You better get on that. It's already 
               been like four days.

               No it hasn't!

               Well that's what he told everyone.

               So you guys are saying I've got three 
               days to solve all the country's 
               problems? The starvation, the dust, 
               the... ab-ulanches? Or I' go back to 

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL

     Overwhe1med, Joe clutches his head miserably, then gets an 

               Well, if I'm gonna solve your 
               starvation problem, maybe I should 
               have a look at some of these dying 
               crops. Especially the ones by the 
               ah... Science Center?

69   INT. WHITE HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER                            69   

     Joe's guards escort him to his room. A cop approaches.

               Mr. Secretary, we found that whore 
               you wanted.

               Okay, maybe that's what you guys 
               call women in the future, but ah...

               No, sir, turns out she's wanted for 
               unlicensed whoring.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 70

               Yeah well, they arrested me for 
               stealing. I wouldn't put too much 
               faith in your legal system. She's an 

               Yeah, she charged some guy a bunch 
               of money and didn't put out. That 
               could get her ten years.  Don't worry 
               though, we can get her a temporarY 
               whoring license as long as you're 
               doing her. Cuz you're Government.

     They arrive outside Joe's room where the cops are waiting 
     with Rita.


               It's Not Sure ma'am. Secretary Not 

               Secretary? Secretary of what?

               Ah, would you guys mind if Rita and 
               I talked in the room. A1one.

               Oh really? Cuz we were kind of hoping 
               we could all go family style on her.

               Ah, no thanks. I just like it, you 
               know, regular.

               Oh, alright. We'll just listen then. 
               Go ahead.

70   INT. WHITE BOUSE - BEDROOM - LATER                            70   

     Rita sits on the bed, Joe paces. They talk in hushed tones.

               So if neither of us can leave, how'll 
               we ever get to the time machine?

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 71

               Well, the only way they'll let me go 
               is if I solve all their problems -- 
               the economy, world hunger, dust 
               storms, garbage ab-u -- I'm sorry, 

               So what are you gonna do?

               I'm thinking we'll escape. Trust me, 
               you don't wanna go to jail here.

               Sounds good to me. Shouldn't be too 
               hard to escape, 'cuz I don't know if 
               it's just me or what, but these future-
               ass motherfuckers don't seem too 

     The Guard yells from outside the door.

                           GUARD (O.S.)
               Come on already!

     Joe lowers his voice.

               I'm really sorry but, just so they 
               don't get suspicious, maybe I should 
               just ah, well... here... 

     Joe sits on the bed, starts gently bouncing up and down, 
     making a SQUEAKING NOISE.

                           GUARD (O.S.)
               Yeah! It's about time!

               By the way, don't worry, I'll sleep 
               on the floor. You can have the bed.

     Joe keeps bouncing a little faster.

                           GUARD (O.S.)
               Come on! You can do better than that.  
               Don't make me come in there!

     Joe bounces a little faster and nervously improvises some 
     lame sex noises.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 72

               Yeah... This is great!

     Rita rolls her eyes, pushes Joe out of the way and takes 
     charge, bouncing enthusiastically and improvising various 
     filthy sounds.

     Joe backs away, impressed, turned on and a little scared.

     Outside, we hear the guards CHEER.

                           GUARD (O.S.)
               That's what I'm talkin' about!

71   EXT. CROPS - THE NEXT DAY                                     71   

     Joe, Rita, Dizz, Joe's Guards and Cabinet Members stand at 
     the edge of a HUGE FUTURISTIC WHEAT FARM, with automated 
     watering systems, automated plows etc. Joe looks on at the 
     shriveled up dead plants, pestilence-ravaged, with flies and 
     parasites buzzing everywhere.  It's bleak.

               Boy ah... Yeah, that sucks...

     Joe discreetly looks down at his pocket, sees the folded map 
     from Dizz.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               Hey ah, I need to go to the bathroom, 
               and, uh... Rita does too.  We'll 
               just go behind those bushes.  If 
               that's okay.

               Aw, yeah!  I get it!

     The cabinet all start laughing like idiots, doing the juvenile 
     finger-in-hole gesture, as Joe and Rita head across the field 
     to some bushes, in a ravine.

     Rita and Joe reach a place where they can't be seen.


     Joe pulls the map out of his pocket and unfolds it. It's 
     incredibly crude and useless, like a 3-year-old would draw: 
     a big box in the corner says "time masheen." There's no scale, 
     directionals, or any other markings.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 73

               Aw, Damnit! Way to go, Dizz...

     Joe throws it down in frustration.

               Maybe we should just make a run for 
               it-- ask for directions.

               I don't think that's a good idea. We 
               can't take any chances. My face was 
               all over national TV. There's no way 
               I'm going back to that jail.

     Joe has a QUICK FLASHBACK, like a Vietnam flashback of the 
     400 pound guy sitting on the guy's face.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               Dammit!... Okay, we'll go back, I'll 
               get a better map. Next chance we 
               get, we'11 make a run for it.

               What if we don't get another chance?  
               Boy, I better find Upgrayed before 
               he finds me.

               Upgrayed can't find you!  Okay? It's 

               Oh, you think so?  Let me tell you a 
               story.  I ran off to Buffalo once, 
               didn't tell no one where I was going.  
               I check into a motel, the phone rings-- 
               BAM! It's Upgrayed.

               Yeah, that was a thousand years ago!  
               Just trust me. You're safe.

                    (starting to believe)
               You really think so?

               Yes... And I know it's none of my 
               business, but when we get back, you 
               and Upgrayed should think about 
               couples counseling. And maybe you

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 74

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               should get an art manager who's not 
               your boyfriend.

     Just then, the GUARDS come running through the bushes, into 
     the ravine.

               Hey! You were supposed to be doing 

               Ah... I was. We finished already.


               You sure?

                    (playing along.)
               Yeah.... He was great.

     The Guard puts away his gun

               Alright let's get back.

     They start heading back. Suddenly, the automated sprinkler 
     system comes on.

     Joe looks at the drops on his arms, notices they're green.

               What is this?

                    (tasting it)
               Is it that gatorade stuff?

     They look up and see a giant tank/water-tower with the Rauncho 
     logo. It says "RAUNCHO'S GOT WHAT PLANTS CRAVE," and "WITH 

                           RITA (CONT'D)
               They're watering plants with that 

     Joe looks around, sees acres and acres of crops being watered 
     with Rauncho, getting an idea.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 75

72   INT. WHITE HOUSE - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY                      72   

     Joe meets with the CABINET MEMBERS. He looks frustrated, 
     like this has been going on a while.

               Once again, I'm pretty sure all that 
               Rauncho stuff might be what's killing 
               the plants.

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               But Rauncho's got what plants crave. 
               It's got electrolytes.

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
                    (thinking painfully 
               So wait a minute... You're saying 
               you want us to put water on the crops?  
               Water? Like out of the toilet?

               It doesn't have to be from the toilet, 
               but yes, that's the idea.

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               Okay, but Rauncho's got what plants 

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               It's got electrolytes.

               Look, your plants aren't growing. So 
               I'm pretty sure the Rauncho's not 
               working. Now I'm no botanist, but I 
               do know that if you put water on 
               plants they grow.

               Like from the toilet?

               Look, you want to solve this problem, 
               I want to get my pardon.  So why 
               don't we try it, and stop worrying 
               about what "plants crave."

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               Rauncho's got what plants crave.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 76

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               Yeah, it's like the commercial says, 
               "Plants work hard, and they need a 
               drink that works hard."

               Oh, and it's got electrolytes.

     Joe's about to lose it.

               What are electrolytes?  Does anyone 
               even know?!

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               They're what's in Rauncho.

               But what are they?

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               They're what they use to make Rauncho.

               But why do they use them to make 

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               Cuz Rauncho's got electrolytes..

     Joe has had it.

               Alright, look. I'll prove it to you. 
               Is there a library around here?

73   EXT. LIBERRY OF CONGRESS - DAY                                73   

     Establishing shot. Yes, it's spelled "Liberry."

74   INT. LIBERRY OF CONGRESS - DAY                                74   

     CLOSE ON Joe's astounded face. He looks around in disbelief 
     as we PULL OUT to reveal that the library apparently contains 
     nothing but miles and miles of pornography. The Cabinet 
     Members and guards are there too.

               So. .. all you have is pornography?

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 77

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               Uh, they got other stuff.

                                                          CUT TO:

75   INT. LIBERRY OF CONGRESS - STACKS - LATER                     75   

     Secretary of Defense pulls. a book off the shelf that says, 
     "Extreme Science." Joe opens it. We see a woman in a G-string 
     seductively holding a DNA double helix model.  He flips 
     through it. It's all quasi-porn.

               Hmm. Do you have any... older books?

                                                          CUT TO:


     Secretary of Defense hands him a book called "Horny Grandmas."

               That's not what I meant by "older." 
               I need a book that was made a long 
               time ago.

                                                          CUT TO:


     Joe is poring over several ancient, yellowed, mildewed books. 
     Be finds one that seems like what he's looking for.

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

78   INT. LIBERRY OF CONGRESS - READING AREA - DAY                 78   

     The Cabinet Members are all looking at issues of "Horny 
     Grandmas," "Moms Who Like to go." Joe comes running out, 

                    (his mind reeling)
               I figured it out!  Electrolytes are 
               salt. That's your problem. It's just 
               like the Dust Bowl. It probably worked 
               for a few decades, but now salt's 
               building up in the topsoil.  That's 
               what's killing the plants.  That's 
               what's causing the dust storms - 
               just like the Dust Bowl!


     Idiocracy                                                             p. 78

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               Yeah, that's what we were saying. 
               Rauncho's got electrolytes.

     Joe sees he's not going to get anywhere.

               Okay, look. You're just gonna have 
               to trust me on this. You've got 
               nothing to lose. Just switch all the 
               crops to water.

               Like from the toilet?

               Okay fine. Yes, from the toilet.  
               Wherever you get the water, send 
               that to crops!    

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               Okay... You don't have to have a fag 

               Hey look!  My Grandma!

     The 14-Year-Old proudly holds up a centerfold (we don't see 
     it).  Joe gets an eyeful, recoils, and quickly looks away, 
     suppressing a dry-heave.


     VARIOUS LOCATIONS, Crops, landscape sprinklers, lawns, etc.

     Sprinklers come on. The last spurts of Rauncho sputter out, 
     and water begins flowing.

79   EXT. WHITE HOUSE - ROSE GARDEN - DAY                          79   

     Joe and the Cabinet Members stand before what was once the 
     Rose Garden. Joe watches with the cabinet Members as the 
     sprinklers change to water.

               It's not working.

               Yeah it is. That's water.

               I mean the plants aren't growing.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 79

               Well, like I told you, it's gonna 
               take a while. Remember?

     President Camacho walks up with a few groupies.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               There's my boy! What's up? You got 
               this problem solved?

               Well, yes Mister President.  I think 
               I do.  It may take a while, but if 
               everyone is patient, I'm pretty sure 
               this will work.  The crops will start 
               growing, the dust storms will stop, 
               the economy'll get better.  You just 
               gotta be patient... So about my pardon-

     Camacho gives him big overly aggressive bear hug.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               My man!

                                                          CUT TO:

80   INT. HOUSE OF REPRESENTIN' - DAY                              80   

     Camacho addresses congress. Joe sits with Rita, Dizz and the 
     Cabinet Members out on the floor as before.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               Today, I solved the biggest bummer 
               in the history of America.  How?...
                    (not a rhetorical 
                    question, actually 
               Uuuh... remember when I hired 
               Secretary Not Sure?  He thought of a 
               bunch of science involving uh,... 
               water and uh... electrolytes...

     The audience starts nodding, impressed, on board, when they 
     hear "electrolytes."

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO (CONT'D)
               And Not Sure did that science to the 
               plants.  So now, there will be crops!
               The problem is solved!

     The crowd cheers. Joe appears live on the Jumbotron. Various 
     Congressmen pat him on the back, congratulatory.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 80

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO (CONT'D)
               And all that other stuff will stop 
               too, like the dust storms, the 
               starvation, the ambulanches and the 

     Be pauses for the crowd to cheer.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO (CONT'D)
               And I'm gonna be going up in the 
               polls!  And I'm gonna be gettin' my 
               pole up - ya'll know what I'm talkin' 
               about?!  My pole!

     Everyone CHEERS like crazy as President Camacho grabs his 

     ANGLE ON Joe, looking a little uneasy. He leans over to the 
     Attorney General.

               So, ah... Be seems pretty happy. Do 
               you think I could get my pardon now?

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               Yeah, Camacho said you could get it 
               as soon as the crops grow. That way 
               they can lock your ass down if your 
               plan doesn't work. He's a good mo-vi-

     Worried, Joe looks out and sees Congressmen doing some filthy 
     air-booty spank dance, chanting "Crops."

81   INT. WHITE HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT                            81   

     Joe looks out the window at the dead rose garden, as Rita 
     lies on the bed.

               Wow... If this works, I really did 
               save the country. I've never done 
               anything like that before.


                           JOE (CONT'D)
               I hope something grows fast. I don't 
               want to wait too long for that pardon.

               Well, we can always try to make 
               another run for the time machine.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 81

               Yeah. I'll get Dizz working on a 
               better map tomorrow.

     Joe goes over and sits in a chair.

               To tell you the truth, I'm not in 
               such a big hurry to get back to 
               Upgrayed anyway. And I'm not sure if 
               it's the drugs they gave us in that 
               experiment or what, but I kind of 
               feel like I'm smarter than most of 
               these people.

               Yeah.  I know what you mean.

               It's kind of a good feeling.
               You think Einstein walked around 
               thinking everyone was a bunch of 

               Huh... I never thought of it that 
               Now I know why he built that bomb...

     Joe lies down on the floor.

               You know, you don't have to sleep on 
               the floor. I won't bite.

     Joe is caught off guard, a bit awkward.

               Oh, ah... that's okay. I wouldn't 
               want to get you in trouble with 
               Upgrayed - sleeping with some 

     Rita can't help herself, she starts laughing. Joe nervously 
     joins in.

               Well, if you change your mind, it's 
               better than the floor.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 82

82   INT. WHITE HOUSE - BEDROOM - MORNING                          82   

     Joe wakes up, goes over to the window and looks out at the 
     rose garden. Nothing is growing yet.  The sprinklers are on 
     with water, but it still looks barren.  He looks a little  


83   INT. WHITE HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER                            83   

     Joe's guards lead him to a conference room. He runs into 
     Dizz walking the opposite way with a chick on each arm.

               Hey man, these chicks have never 
               seen the inside of the White House.  
               Ladies, this is Secretary Not Sure.  

                           CHICK #1
               Ooooh... I saw you on TV.

               Oh, yeah... Hey Dizz, can I talk to 
               you a second?
                    (to the guards)
               Excuse me a second. This is ah, top 
               secret, technical crop stuff.

     Joe pulls Dizz to the side, talks quietly.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               Dizz, you need to draw me a better 

               "Draw"? I got it off OmnipalMapSmart.

               Well get a better one, or just get 
               me the address. Quick.

               I'm kind of busy with these chicks.

               The money Dizz, remember?

               Oh yeah. Alright. I can do 'em fast.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 83

     Dizz walks towards the ladies, undressing as he goes. Joe 
     turns away in disgust.

     The Cabinet Members come running up to Joe, in a panic.

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               Shit! All shit's broken loose!

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               We got the CEO of Rauncho on the 
               phone, and he's pissed off! Come 
               here, quick!


     Joe and the Cabinet Members are gathered around a VIDEO PHONE 
     talking to the CEO OF RAUNCBO, who's in his office, panicking.  
     We hear people rioting outside his building and occasionally 
     bottles and debris hit his window.

                           RAUNCHO CEO
               What happened?!

               Ah... Well, we switched the crops to 

                           RAUNCHO CEO
               I'm not talking about that.
                    (points to a computer 
                    screen, freaked out)
               Our sales are all like, down. Way 
               down! The stock went to zero and the 
               computer did auto-layoff on 

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               Shit! Almost everyone in the country 
               works for Rauncho!

                           RAUNCHO CEO
               Not anymore!  And the computer said 
               everyone owes Rauncho money! 
               Everyone's bank account is zero now!

               I think that makes the economy suck!

                           RAUNCHO CEO
               What're we gonna do?!  Shit's going 

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 84

     He ducks as a bottle from the angry mob shatters the window.

                    (trying to stay calm)
               Okay, ah... Why don't you just... 
               hire everyone back?

                           RAUNCHO CEO
               I can't!  The computer won't let me.

               Can't you shut the computer off?

                           RAUNCHO CEO
               No. I got laid off too. My password 
               doesn't work!
                    (on the verge of tears)
               Why is this happening?!

               Well... It's probably because we 
               switched to water, but-

               You mean this is your fault?!

                           RAUNCHO CEO
               Yeah, all this shit started when you 
               switched to water!

               Look, don't worry. Sometimes things 
               have to get worse before they get 

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL

     We hear another angry mob, this time outside the White House. 
     Joe looks out the window and sees the mob gathering, yelling 
     and throwing stuff.

                    (trying to play it 
               Um... I have to go to the bathroom.  

     Joe casually steps out of the room.


     As soon as he's out, Joe takes off running,.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 85

85   INT. WHITE HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER                    85   

     Joe runs in. Finds Rita.

               We gotta get out of here. Right now.

               What's wrong?

     Joe pulls open the curtain, revealing the angry mob, yelling 
     and throwing bottles.

                           RITA (CONT'D)
               Oh my God...

               I knew it! This is what happens when 
               I try to fix something.

     Camacho bursts in with Guards.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               There he is.  Get him.

     The guards grab him and throw handcuffs on him.

               Wait! I was just trying to help!
               It's gonna take time.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               Save your smart-man double-talk brain 
               tricks for the judge.

               Judge? Oh no, not another trial.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               Oh yeah. You're going to the Extreme 



     We're watching the news on the Violence Channel. A Violence 
     Channel news graphic comes on.

     A FEMALE NEWSCASTER with an amazing hairdo, at a news desk, 
     an image of Joe behind her. She is straining to sound smart.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 86

                           FEMALE NEWSCASTER
               He tried to take water from toilets 
               but it's Not Sure who finds himself 
               in the toilet now. And as history 
               pulls down its pants and prepares to 
               lower its ass on Not Sure's head,... 
               it is daddy justice who will be 
               crapping on him this time.
                    (dramatic pause)
               We now go live to Violence Channel 
               correspondent, Japhet Rivera, at the 
               Rauncho Shareholders meeting where 
               all shit has broken loose...

86   INT. RAUNCHO HQ - STOCKHOLDERS' MEETING                       86   

     A MALE REPORTER stands in front of the camera. He's a Geraldo-
     type, like a war correspondent, who's enjoying the mayhem a 
     little too much. Behind him, stockholders yelling, throwing 
     stuff. The Rauncho CEO is at a podium, trying in vain to 
     maintain order.

                           MALE REPORTER
               Thank you Rhonda. What you see behind 
               me kicks ass. As you can see, these 
               people want answers and-- Whoa!

     A full-on brawl breaks out, and starts spreading throughout 
     the whole room. The reporter watches, getting excited.

                           MALE REPORTER (CONT'D)
               Oooh yeah!... Yeah... Yeah... Kick 
               his ass!

     The Reporter can't help himself, he drops the microphone, 
     and joins in the fight, whaling on the first person he sees.


                           FEMALE NEWSCASTER
               Thank you Japhet. Kick ass.  We'll 
               see more of that action later.

     A bad picture of Not Sure comes back on.

                           FEMALE NEWSCASTER (CONT'D)
               With us now to discuss' the trial of 
               Secretary Not Sure, is one of the 
               most important celebrities or our 
               times, the star of "OW My Balls."  
               Welcome, Bob Nyquil.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 87

     In a WIDER SHOT, we see the STAR OF "OW MY BALLS" sitting 
     across a table from her a la Larry King.

                           OW, MY BALLS GUY
               Thank you, June. You know, it really 
               hurts me to see what's going on. He 
               said he'd make the crops grow, but 
               the only thing he made grow was-

     The Female Newscaster winks to the camera, then hauls off 
     and KICKS HIM SWIFTLY IN THE BALLS. He SCREAMS in pain, then 
     falls to the floor.

                           OW, MY BALLS GUY (CONT'D)
               Oooooow! My Balls!

     The people in the studio all laugh like baboons. BACK ON 

                           FEMALE NEWSCASTER
                    (finishes laughing, 
                    then turns to camera, 
               We go now to Buzeta Jones, at the 
               Extreme Court, with highlights. of 
               today's trial.

87   EXT. EXTREME COURT - DAY                                      87   

     It's what used to be the Supreme Court, dumbed-down and 
     extremed-out. A FEMALE REPORTER stands in front.

                           FEMALE REPORTER
               Thank you June. As he awaited trial, 
               Not Sure had this to say to America: 
               "I don't care how many people lose 
               their jobs and starve. I'm the 
               smartest man in history, ha ha ha." 
               Well let's see who laughed last 

88   INT. EXTREME COURT - DAY                                      88   

     Just like the Supreme court, but of course, dumber. Twelve 
     Judges, who look more like futuristic Pimps, sit on the bench.

                           FEMALE REPORTER
               It started off boring and slow with 
               Not Sure tryinq to bullshit everyone 
               with a bunch of smart-talk.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 88

               My client wants to address the court, 
               your Extremenesses.

     Joe stands up, addresses the 12 Justices.

               I don't even really understand what 
               I'm on trial for. I never said I was 
               the smartest guy on Earth, you people 
               did. I told you not to make me 
               secretary, but you did it anyway, so 
               I just tried to help. I told you it 
               was gonna take a long time for the 
               plants to grow, and it will work if 
               you give it a chance. I know it will. 
               Look, even if you find me guilty and 
               lock me away, for your own sake you 
               can't switch back to Rauncho.  
               Eventually, it will kill everything, 
               and you'll all starve. You gotta 
               believe me. That's all I gotta say. 
               Thank you.  Uh,  your extreme... 

     Joe sits. The courtroom is quiet for a beat. It seems like 
     maybe Joe's words sunk in...

     Then some REALLY STUPID MUSIC kicks in. The PROSECUTOR gets 
     up and starts dancing around.

                           FEMALE REPORTER (V.O.)
               Prosecutor to turn this trial out.

89   INT. EXTREME COURT - LATER                                    89   

     The room is now filled with bikini girls dancing around the 
     prosecutor, fireworks going off, dry ice, giant flags.  The 
     prosecutor dances around in front of the 12 Justices like a 
     rapper, doing a call and response.

               Guilty of what?

               Talkin' out his butt!

               Guilty of what?

               Talkin' out his butt!

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 89

90   INT. EXTREME COURT - LATER                                    90   

     The chief justice bangs his gavel.

                           CHIEF JUSTICE
               Not Sure!  For ruining the country, 
               we sentence you to... REHABILITATION!

     The courtroom CHEERS. Joe looks a little relieved.

                    (to Dizz)
               Rehabilitation? That doesn't sound 
               so bad...

                           FEMALE REPORTER (V.O.)                     *
               "Not so bad"?  Here's some highlights 
               from last week on Rehabilitation.

91   EXT. GIANT SCARY STADIUM                                      91   

     A Gladiator-style stadium, with a giant sign that reads 

     A condemned prisoner runs for his life, pursued by five giant 
     pitbulls and a guy in a golf cart swinging a mace.

     The pitbulls converge, the prisoner goes down -- off-screen -
     and there are some AWFUL NOISES as he gets finished off. The 
     crowd roars its approval.

                           FEMALE REPORTER (V.O.)
               Good luck, Not Sure!  This is Monster 
               Truck week!

92   INT. PRISON - VISITING AREA - DAY                             92   

     Rita visits the condemned Joe. They are separated by thick 
     glass. They speak quietly.

               So you think you can escape again? 
               Like you did last time?

               No. They pretty much fixed that.


     They chained me to a big rock.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 90

     Rita looks over the partition and sees a chain going from 
     Joe's foot to a gigantic boulder.

               Look Rita, this "Rehabilitation" 
               thing is basically a gladiator-style 
               death sentence. Only one guy out of 
               the last ten made it out alive.

               Well you got a good chance then. I 
               bet you're smarter than all those 

               I don't think smart matters when a 
               guy's trying to run you over with a 
               giant truck... Look Rita, I want you 
               to go to the time machine without 
               me, don't wait.

               I wish there were something more I 
               could do.  I'm sorry Joe.

               No, I'm sorry... It's my fault. We 
               should've made a run for it when we 
               had the chance.  Instead I had to 
               stay and screw everything up as usual.

               You didn't screw things up, they 
               did. You were just tryin' to do the 
               right thing.

               Yeah, well...

                           PRISON GUARD (O.S.)
               Visit's over!

     Behind Joe, a forklift starts rolling the giant boulder he's 
     chained to.

               Guess I better go...

               Good luck Joe.

     Rita puts her hand up to the glass.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 91

     Joe gets up to do the same and is immediately yanked back by 
     his chain.


     Wide establishing shot of the gladiator-style stadium, with 
     a giant sign that reads "REHABILITATION."

     We see a giant Zamboni-looking thing sweeping up the crushed 
     remains of a vehicle that has been smashed into oblivion.

                           ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
               That's three kills and one more to 
               go. Next up for rehabilitation is 
               Noooot Suuuuure! Are you ready for 
               some car on car action!?

     The crowd cheers. We see that President Camacho and his 
     cabinet have box seats to this event.

                           ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
               How 'bout it for the Dildozer!

     The crowd cheers as a vehicle the size of four monster trucks 
     comes thundering out of the gate, like a Freudian nightmare.

     It has a giant phallic-looking drill on the front of it.

                           ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
               The Assblaster!

     Another huge truck, a Hummer times a hundred, but even 
     stupider looking, comes roaring out with a huge phallic-
     looking jackhammer at the front end of it.

                           ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
               And the Bitchmaker!!!

     A giant monstrosity with blades in front-- like a giant 
     rototiller, but phallic shaped.

     Joe watches in horror from a holding pen, somehow still 
     chained to the giant rock.

                    (momentarily detached)
               I never would've guessed that this 
               is how I was gonna die.

     He talks to a guard.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               I get a car too right?

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 92

               Yeah, here it comes.

     A pathetic econ-box the size of a Geo Metro, with a flaccid 
     3-foot rubber dildo glued to the hood, comes puttering out.

     The guard unlocks Joe's chain and shoves him in the car. 
     He's handcuffed to the steering wheel. They close the gate 
     behind him.

                           GUARD (CONT'D)
               Good luck.

     The guards start CRACKING UP. Joe tries several times to 
     start the engine. It barely starts.

                           ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
               And now, he tried to ruin the country 
               by pouring toilet water on our crops, 
               he cost millions of starving families 
               their jobs...

     In a WIDE SHOT Joe's tiny pathetic car putters into the arena, 
     dwarfed by the trucks. The three giant monster trucks rev 
     their mighty engines and fire up their weapons It's  

                           ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
               Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not 

     A loud HORN goes off. The bloodthirsty crowd goes wild. The 
     Dildozer charges at Joe.

                    (to himself)
               Well, can't let 'em get me without a 
               fight. Bring it on assholes!

     He guns it, lurches forward and immediately stalls. The rubber 
     dildo flops back and splats against the windshield, startling 
     Joe. He frantically restarts it just in time to maneuver the 
     car between the giant wheels of the Dildozer, which is so 
     huge and jacked up, it roars right over him without even 
     touching him.

     Joe gains a little confidence. Allows himself a grin, until 
     he sees...

     WIDE SHOT, the Dildozer hydraulically drops itself down like 
     a lowrider, until it's barely clearing the ground. The 
     Assblaster and Bitchmaker do the same.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 93

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               Oh shit...

93   INT. WHITE HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS                       93   

     Rita watches the "Rehabilitation" on TV.

                           SPORTSCASTER (V.O.)
               Well, this shouldn't take too much 
               longer. The record's five minutes. 
               He's already been in a minute and a 
               half, and as we all know, he is a 

     Rita can't take it anymore. She turns away and starts sadly 
     packing a suitcase. Dizz enters.

               That's a bummer about Not Sure, huh?


               He was a pretty cool guy.  I liked 
               him.  Too bad he had to go cause all 
               that suffering and shit.

     Dizz pulls out a folded up paper.  

                           DIZZ (CONT'D)
               Here's the directions to the time 
               machine... Or I could drive you there 
               if you want.

               Thanks Dizz.

94   EXT. GIANT SCARY STADIUM - NIGHT                              94   

     The Bitchmaker comes tearing at Joe, doing a wheelie. Joe 
     just barely out-maneuvers him as a giant wheel comes crashing 
     down, missing Joe by an inch.

     Joe manages to outmaneuver the Assblaster, charging at Joe 
     from the other direction, but then Joe's car stalls out again 
     in the middle of the arena.

     The Assblaster and the Bitchmaker position themselves on 
     opposite sides of Joe, and get ready to smash him. Joe 
     frantically tries to restart his car.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 94

               Come on... Come on...

     The two gigantic trucks come charging at Joe. Joe looks like 
     a dead man. Then, at the last second Joe's engine turns over 
     just enough to lurch the car forward, out of the way.

     The two trucks collide.  The Assblaster's jackhammer gets 
     chewed up by the Bitchmaker's rotoblades, sending shrapnel 
     into the Bitchmaker's cockpit, KNOCKING OUT THE BITCHMAKER'S 
     DRIVER.  Joe breathes a sigh of relief, until he gets rammed 
     by the Dildozer from behind, sending his car flipping and 
     bouncing several times. The crowd goes nuts.

     Joe's car lands upside-down. It looks like it's all over. 
     But then he sees that his steering wheel has broken off, 
     enabling him to leave the car. He climbs out, his left hand 
     still cuffed to the broken-off steering wheel.  He takes off 
     running, narrowly escaping as the Dildozer pulverizes what's 
     left of his car.. The crowd's loving it.

     The Assblaster backs up and stops. The crowd goes wild, 
     yelling some kind of one syllable chant that sounds vaguely 
     like "dogs." Joe looks confused. Then a hatch falls open on 
     the back of the Assblaster, dumping a load of PIT BULLS the 
     size of small horses on the arena floor.

95   INT. WHITE HOUSE - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS                       95   

     Rita and Dizz watch the same thing on TV.

               I can't watch...

     Rita turns away from the TV and looks out the window. 
     Something catches her eye.

                           . RITA
               Holy shit... Dizz come here!  LOOK!

     Dizz comes over to the window. Dizz and Rita's POV:

     A rose has bloomed, along with several other sprouts. The 
     garden seems to be coming to life for the first time.

               He was right! Dizz, you gotta get me 
               to this Rehabilitation place, now!

96   EXT. ROAD - NIGHT                                             96   

     Dizz drives as fast as he can. Rita looks for a way to turn 
     on the radio.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 95

               How do you turn on the radio? I wanna 
               see if Joe's okay.

                    (to car)
               Radio. .. Radio!

     The voice activation doesn't work. Dizz leans down closer 
     and closer..

                           DIZZ (CONT'D)

     Dizz leans down so far into the microphone, he takes his 
     eyes off the road. The car goes bouncing off the road into 
     some crops. In the headlights, we see rows and rows of green 
     sprouts growing.

               Oh my God... He did it! Hurry Dizz!

97   EXT. GIANT SCARY STADIUM - NIGHT                              97   

     Joe does his best to keep the pit bulls at bay, running and 
     swinging his steering wheel cuffed to his hand at them, and 
     hiding behind the stalled Bitchmaker.


     Rita and Dizz come running in. Rita gets as close as security 
     will allow her to the Presidential box, and yells down to 

               Mr. President! Mr. President!  You 
               gotta stop this thing! The crops are 

     President Camacho, with a groupie on each arm, looks back at 
     Rita yelling to him.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
                    (to his groupies)
               That chick wants me.

               Joe-- I mean Not Sure -- was right! 
               It worked! The crops are growing!

     Camacho yells back to Rita, condescending.

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 96

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               Sure they are. You gotta wait your 
               turn baby. There's enough President 
               for everyone.

     Rita sees Joe on the Jumbotron. She looks down a few rows 
     and sees a CAMERAMAN in the press area, covering the action.

     She gets an idea.

               Dizz, go get that guy with the camera 
               and take him to those crops we saw. 
               Tell him to broadcast it everywhere.

     She pulls a big wad of money out of her bra.

                           RITA (CONT'D)
               Give him this! Bribe him! I'm gonna 
               try to stop this thing.'

     Dizz runs off. Rita yells to Camacho.

                           RITA (CONT'D)
               Mr. President! You gotta believe me!

     The security guards push Rita back.  Secretary of Defense 
     recognizes her.

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               Hey, isn't that Not Sure's 'ho?

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               Oh yeah. It is.

               Just-watch the Jumbotron! You'll see 
               in just a few minutes!  The crops 
               are growing!

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               What if she's right?

     The president considers for a moment.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO
               Hmmm. .. Okay, you got 5 minutes.
                    (yells to someone 

     Hearing this, the audience starts chanting...

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 97

                    (in rhythm)
               Rope!  Rope! Rope!

     A rope is lowered from the ceiling Joe climbs it as best he 
     can with a steering wheel cuffed to his hand.

     He gets up, clear of the pit bulls reach, but looking up, 
     quickly realizes there's nowhere to climb to but a flat 
     ceiling. It's only there as a cruel joke to prolong his 

     Rita looks up at the Jumbotron, hoping.

                    (apprehensive, to 
               Come on Dizz. You can do it.

98   EXT. ROAD - NIGHT                                             98   

     Dizz drives with the Cameraman. Something catches his eye. 
     He stops the car.

               Whoa!  Look.

     DIZZ'S POV: A Starbucks. A blinking sign that says, "1/2 OFF 

               Shit that's a good deal.

     Dizz pulls out the money Rita gave him.

               I got a bunch of money too.. I forgot 
               what it was for.

               Probably for lattes.

               Oh yeah. Probably.

     They pull into the Starbucks.

99   INT. GIANT SCARY STADIUM - NIGHT                              99   

     Joe holds on to the rope for dear life. Be strains to hold 
     on, losing his grip. The Dildozer makes another pass at him.

     Joe yells to the driver:

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 98

               That other driver called you a fag!

     The Dildozer peels out in anger, after the Assblaster.

     The Assblaster charges at Joe, doing a wheelie. The Dildozer 
     enters frame, slamming into the Assblaster and knocking him 

     ON RITA, still being held back by security. She watches Joe, 
     looks up at the Jumbotron.

               Come on Dizz, what's taking so long..

100   EXT. STARBUCK'S - NIGHT                                     100   

     Dizz and the Cameraman emerge from Starbuck's stretching, 
     satisfied. Their pace is agonizingly slow. Dizz is in his 
     boxer shorts.

               Man... that was great.

                    (looks down))
               Hey. Was I wearing pants when we 
               went in there?

               Shit. What do I look like, a pants 

     Another beat of satisfied stretching. Cameraman notices 

                           CAMERAMAN (CONT'D)
               Hey look, Starbucks.

               Oh yeah.

     They stare at it for a beat. Something catches Dizzes eye -- 
     A sign that reads "The Official Exotic Gentleman's beverage 
     of Rehabilitation."

                           DIZZ (CONT'D)
               Wait a minute... This reminds me of 

     Dizz zeroes in on the word "Rehabilitation."

     Idiocracy                                                             p. 99

     Be stares at it for a painfully long beat.

                           DIZZ (CONT'D)

101   INT. GIANT SCARY STADIUM - NIGHT                            101   

     The Dildozer is the last remaining vehicle. Joe can't hold 
     on to the rope much longer. He starts to slip. The Dildozer 
     charges at him. Joe barely pulls himself back up, but he has 
     no more strength.

     The Dildozer circles around, dramatically prolonging the 

     The crowd starts chanting "Grease! Grease! Grease!"

               Oh no...

     ANGLE ON RITA, begging Camacho for more time.

               Just another 5 minutes, please!

     The crowd is getting too angry. They start throwing stuff. 
     Camacho looks back at Rita. He has no choice.

                           PRESIDENT CAMACHO

     The crowd goes nuts as grease starts to ooze out of the place 
     where the rope is attached to the ceiling. It drips down 
     towards Joe.

               Shit. ..

     ANGLE ON RITA, watching the Jumbotron, fingers crossed.

               Come on Dizz...

                                                          CUT TO:

102   EXT. STARBUCK'S - CONTINUOUS                                102   

     Dizz is still staring at the word "Rehabilitation" on the 
     Starbuck's sign.

               Uuuuh.. .

     Idiocracy                                                            p. 100

               What do ya keep readin' that word 
               for? You a fag?

     The word "fag" seems to have jarred Dizz's memory. Words 
     echo in his mind, "fag," "Rehabilition," "Not Sure!"

               Fag?... Oooh yeah... Not Sure.  Shit.

103   INT. GIANT SCARY STADIUM - NIGHT                            103   

     The Grease slips slowly down the rope to where Joe's hands 
     are, making it too slick to hold on to. He starts to slowly 
     slide down. He falls off the rope, lands in the dirt.

     ANGLE ON RITA. She looks at the Jumbotron, losing all hope 
     that Dizz will come through.

     ON THE DILDOZER: The Dildozer revs its engine a few times, 
     getting ready for the kill.

     ON Joe, staggers up, getting ready to run, or dodge the 

     ON RITA. She turns away, not wanting to watch Joe get killed.

     As she looks down, we hear the cheers of the crowd suddenly 
     turn to CONFUSED MURMURS. Rita allows herself a peek.



     Everyone including President Camacho and the cabinet members 
     are looking and pointing at the Jumbotron. The camera pans 
     several rows of growing sprouts. Camacho and the Cabinet 
     Members start to put it together.

     The driver of the Dildozer, expecting cheers of bloodlust is 
     confused by the quiet murmurs.  He too looks up at the 

     Joe, adrenalined up, fearing for his life, sees only that 
     the driver of the Dildozer is distracted. He makes a run for 
     the abandon Bitchmaker. He jumps in, starts it up and charges 
     at the Dilldozer.

     The Dilldozer's driver doesn't see it coming.

     Idiocracy                                                            p. 101

     Joe does what amounts to a vehicular sucker punch, SLAMMING 
     THE DILDOZER INTO THE WALL. The Dildozer bursts into flames. 
     The crowd becomes interested again.

     Joe sees the driver is stuck in the burning Dilldozer. He 
     watches for a beat. Be looks conflicted and then realizes he 
     has to save him.

     He runs over and pulls the Driver out. But as soon as the 
     Driver is safe, he immediately starts beating the shit out 
     of Joe. Then the Driver grabs an axel rod, comes back over 
     to finish Joe off.

     President Camacho and the Cabinet Members see this. They 
     jump out of their box seats, Camacho in the lead, climb into 
     the arena and pull the driver off, and beat his ass down, 
     rescuing Joe.  Camacho raises Joe's hand in victory, pointing 
     at the sprouts on the Jumbotron. The crowd cheers Joe.

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

104   INT. WHITE HOUSE - LOUNGE AREA - MORNING                    104   

     Joe, Rita, and Dizz are hanging out, having a little after 
     party, enjoying some FOOD -- each eating from their own 
     bucket, watching "Ow, My Balls" on TV.

     ON TV: We see the Ow, My Balls guy running around with his 
     crotch on fire, alternately smacking at his crotch and yelling 
     in pain.  We see a fireman take aim. with one of those high-
     powered fire hoses. The high-pressure stream nails him in 
     the balls, lifting him in the air, hurling him 30 feet. He 
     lands crotch-first on a cactus.

                           BALLS GUY
               Ow!  My balls!

     Joe, Dizz and Rita all have a good LAUGH. Joe scoops a big 
     bite of Food.

               Man this stuff is good. I'm gonna 
               miss it.
                    (shoving in a last 
               Well, I've got a full pardon now, 
               we're free to go, so... You ready to 
               head to the time machine?

               I'm not going.

     Joe is stunned.

     Idiocracy                                                            p. 102

               What? Why not?

               I had some ah, bad habits back there 
               I don't wanna fall into again.

               And what about Upgrayed?

               I think I'm kind of over Upgrayed.  
               And without him, I wouldn't even 
               have a place to stay.

               You could stay with me...
               and Sharon.

               That sounds kinda crowded...

               Oh, it's not so bad.  Sharon's ex-
               boyfriend stayed with us for eight 
               months once, while he was starting a 
               record label...
                    (getting bummed out)
               It was kind of crowded actually.
                    (another depressed 
               He still owes me 2,000 dollars.

               Don't worry about it. Besides, they 
               offered me a pretty good job at 
               Starbucks here.  I'm gonna be a CEO.

               Starbucks? You're still gonna paint, 
               aren't you?

               Uh,... yeah.  Sure.

               Well, I guess this is goodbye then...

     Rita's sad to see him go, but she can't quite admit it.

     Joe, also sad, stands awkwardly, not sure what to say.

     Idiocracy                                                            p. 103

     DIZZ watches them, laughing hornily.

     Finally, Joe shakes her hand, then picks up his suitcase, 
     getting ready to leave.

               Hey, Joe? If you ever meet Upgrayed, 
               promise me you'll still think of me 
               the way you think of me now? You 
               know, as a painter.

               Well of course.  Why wouldn't I?

               You'll see. Spend a little time with 
               Upgrayed and you'll be surprised 
               what starts making sense.

     The Attorney General, The Secretary of Defense and the 14-
     year-old Secretary of the Interior enter, followed by a cute 
     little FIVE-YEAR-OLD BOY, smoking a cigarette.

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               Hey guess what? Camacho's gonna make 
               you Vice President!

     They all start patting him on the back, congratulating.

               Ah... You guys-

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               Kick ass!

                           14 YEAR OLD
               Oh, and, ah, my son wanted to meet 
               you. Is that okay?

               Your son...?

     The boy walks up to Joe, shakes his hand.

                           14 YEAR OLD
               Extreme, say hello to the new Vice 

               My Dad says you're gonna be the best 
               Vice President ever!

     Idiocracy                                                            p. 104

               Well, hold on now.  I... I can't 
               accept the job.

     Cabinet Members are stunned.

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               What?!  Why?

               I gotta get home.

               But how are we gonna fix all our 

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               Yeah. When you switched to water? 
               And you turned off the computer? 
               Taxes aren't working now.

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               Yeah, and there's a
                    (struggling with the 
               Nuk-uller-er reactor in Florida that's 
               not working and it's leaking or 

               I thought it was in Georgia.

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               Georgia's in Florida. Isn't it?

     Joe starts to look stressed, then gathers himself.

               Look, you guys are gonna have to 
               solve these problems yourselves.

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE

               You know, you think about it, you 
               work it out. Like we did with the 

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL

     Idiocracy                                                            p. 105

                           SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
               Ah, it's so complicated.

     The Cabinet members all groan, making various GIVING UP 

               Well... so what if it's complicated! 
               The country's depending on you! Come 
               on you guys!

                           ATTORNEY GENERAL
               Ah, forget it.

               Look, you can't just keep giving up 
               so easily. You've gotta take command. 
               Make decisions! Think about things!  
               If you don't, who will?

     More blank, confused stares from the Cabinet members.

               So you're just gonna leave us?

                    (having a meltdown)
               Look, I don't wanna go, but I can't 
               stay. I'm not a leader... I mean, I 
               got lucky once, but... I gotta get 
               back... to my life.
                    (clutching his head, 
               But if I leave -- you guys'll... who 
               knows what'll happen to the world?..

     Rita senses Joe is wavering. She gets an idea.

               Joe. I think you should stay.

               But I can't just... TJ Swan's-

     Rita walks over to Joe, determined, on a mission.

               Joe. Can I talk to you? Alone.

               Huh? Okay.

     Idiocracy                                                            p. 106

     She pulls him back into a room with a pool table and shuts 
     the door.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               What's going--?

     Rita jams her tongue down his throat and throws him down on 
     the pool table. Joe doesn't put up much of a fight, goes 
     with it.

     The music we heard earlier on the Masturbation Network kicks 
     in, this time as score.

105   INT. WHITE HOUSE - LOUNGE AREA - CONTINUOUS                 105   

     The Cabinet Members all crowd around the door to listen.

               Hey, this door's got a keyhole!

     He leans down to look, but Dizz knocks him out of the way 
     like a football player, and starts watching. We don't hear 
     Joe and Rita, but from the noises Dizz is making, we get the 
     idea that they're going at it pretty good.

               Ooooh yeah!... Mmmmm yeah... Damn... 
               Way to go!... Utilize!  Yyyyyyyyeah!!!  
               Not Sure kicks ass!

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

106   INT. WHITE HOUSE - LOUNGE AREA -. LATER                     106   

     The Cabinet Members are all sitting around.

     Joe stumbles out. He's only wearing his underwear, but doesn't 
     seem to care. He looks a little happier and a tad stupider 
     than he did before. He flops down in a chair, grabs a handful 
     of Food, and eats it, thoughtfully.

               You know... Maybe I don't need to go 
               to that time machine right away.

     Cabinet Members all cheer.

               Yeah. That ride sucks anyway.


     Idiocracy                                                            p. 107



107   INT. TIME MACHINE                                           107   

     Joe, Rita and Dizz sit strapped into a car on a track, like 
     a typical amusement park ride, or haunted house.

     A Voice Over begins. Note: this is not the Computer Voice, 
     it's more like a Vincent Price horror movie voice.

                           VOICE OVER
               Welcome to the Time Machine. We are 
               going to take you back... Back! BACK!! 
               First, to the year 1939, when Charlie 
               Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime 
               enslaved Europe and tried to take 
               over the world!

     A spotlight goes on. We see a wax figure of Charlie Chaplin 
     in his classic Tramp costume, his arm extended in a Nazi 
     salute amidst a mishmash of various other historical 

     ANGLE ON Joe and Dizz.

               So you knew this thing was just a 
               ride the whole time?

               Yeah... You thought you could really 
               travel through time?

               Well... Yeah. I guess.

               Boy, for the smartest guy in the 
               world, you're pretty dumb.

               Well, why didn't you tell me?

     Dizz is a little embarrassed.

               I like money... Sorry.

     Idiocracy                                                            p. 108

               But if it's not a real time machine 
               there wouldn't have been any money.

     Long beat on Dizz, trying to put it together, then...

               Ooooooh yeeeah... Shit.

     Joe looks at Rita.

               Well, I guess we're stuck here. Might 
               as well make the best of it.


     Joe puts his arm around Rita. They both smile and enjoy the 
     rest of the ride.

                           VOICE OVER
               Fortunately, Charlie Chaplin's evil 
               career was cut short by cocaine 

     We see mug shots of Robert Downey, Jr. with a Charlie Chaplain 
     mustache airbrushed on.

108   INT. HOUSE OF REPRESENTIN' - DAY                            108   

     Joe is giving a speech, being cheered by the Congressmen and 
     audience. Dizz is on one side of him and Rita on the other.

                           NARRATOR (V.O.)
               And so after serving a short term as 
               Vice President, Joe was elected 
               President of America. Dizz became 
               Vice President and Rita, the former 
               prostitute, became First Lady. Under 
               President Not Sure's leadership, a 
               new era dawned...

     As the cheers subside, Joe continues his speech.

               ...And we need to stop relying on 
               computers all the time, and start 
               making more decisions and figuring 
               things out for ourselves...


     Idiocracy                                                            p. 109

     Various people watching his speech people, "servers" in 
     Starbucks, shantytown, hospital

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               ...You know, there was a time when 
               people didn't have computers.  It 
               wasn't easy, but they built airplanes, 
               and pyramids and ships...

109   INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS                               109   

     The JUDGE, from before, watches the speech with his FAMILY 
     OF FIVE, each on their own La-Z-John.

               ... And there was a time in this 
               country, a long time ago, when reading 
               wasn't just for fags. And neither 
               was writing. People wrote books and 
               movies -- movies that had stories so 
               you cared about who's ass it was and 
               why it was farting...

               He's not so bad... for a fag.


                    (on a roll)
               And we gotta stop calling our women 

     ANGLE ON RITA: she looks around uncomfortably and claps 

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               And start calling them chicks again!

     The crowd CHEERS.

                           JOE (CONT'D)
               I know these things aren't easy to 
               do.  I'm pretty lazy myself. But you 
               know, sometimes you have to challenge 
               yourself, and do something that 
               matters, cuz if you don't, you'll 
               wind up with a hollow empty feeling 

     Beat.  The crowd looks a little confused.

     Idiocracy                                                            p. 110

               You mean like when you're hungry?

                           CONGRESSMAN 2
                    (cracking up)
               Or like when you got diarrhea?

     Congressmen all start cracking up and making fart noises.

               Yeah, why not... like when you got 

     The crowd CHEERS again. The applause grows and the crowd 
     starts chanting.

               Not Sure! Not Sure! Not Sure!

     Joe grabs the same big gun President Camacho had and awkwardly 
     shoots it in the air. The recoil almost knocks him down, as 
     the crowd goes nuts.

110   EXT. ROSE GARDEN - STILL MORE YEARS LATER                   110   

     Joe and Rita play with their kids.

               Joe and Rita had three children, the 
               three smartest kids in the world.

     We PAN OVER to Dizz, surrounded by eight girls in bikinis 
     waiting on him hand and foot.

                           NARRATOR (CONT'D)
               Vice President Dizz took eight wives, 
               and had a total of thirty-two kids,...

     Several filthy kids run around, pulling roses out of the 
     ground, throwing mud.

                           NARRATOR (CONT'D)
               ...thirty-two of the dumbest kids to 
               ever walk the earth...

                                                     DISSOLVE TO:

111   INT. THE WHITE HOUSE                                        111   

     Joe and family relax in the Oval office.

     Idiocracy                                                            p. 111

                           NARRATOR (CONT' D)
               Okay, so maybe Joe didn't exactly 
               save mankind, but he got the ball 
               rolling. And that's pretty damn good 
               for an Army Electrician.

     We PAN OVER to Rita, doing a HIDEOUSLY BAD OIL PAINTING, as 
     Joe looks on proudly.

     FADE OUT.

     FADE IN:

112   CODA OVER CREDITS: EXT. FILTHY STREET - DAY                 112   

     We see another pod come to life, creaking open. We pullout 
     to reveal UPGRAYED getting out of the pod. He rises, dusts 
     himself off, starts walking.

               I'm gonna go find that 'ho.

                               THE END?