DR. STRANGELOVE
   
                               Or:
   
                          How I Learned
   
                               To
   
                          Stop Worrying
   
                               And
   
                            Love The
   
                              BOMB
   
                              CAST
   
                   AT BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE
   
   General Jack D. Ripper.............Base Commander
   
   Major Mandrake.....................Executive Officer to General Ripper
   
   Colonel "Bat" Guano................Battalion Commander
   
   Private Charlie....................Base Security Team
   
   Private Tung.......................Base Security Team
   
   Sergeant...........................Base Security Team
   
                               ***
   
                         IN THE WAR ROOM
   
   Merkin Muffley.....................The President
   
   General "Buck" Schmuck.............Air Force Chief
   
   Admiral Percy Buldike..............Navy Chief
   
   General "Flash" Faceman............Army Chief
   
   Ambassador de Sade.................Enemy Ambassador
   
   Von Klutz         )
                     )
   Zlat              )
                     )
   Frankenstein      )
                     )
   Cadaverly         )
                     )
   Didley            )................Presidential Aides
                     )
   Turgidson         )
                     )
   Crudley           )
                     )
   Waffel            )
                     )
   Moffo             )
   
                      WAR ROOM (Continued)
   
   Kulnick           )
                     )................Presidential Aides
   Funkel            )
   
   Assorted Military Aides - about 30 altogether
   
   M.P. Orderly
   
   Major Nonce........................General Schmuck's Aide
   
                                 ***
   
                     IN THE B-90, "LEPER COLONY"
   
     Major "King" Kong................Pilot
   
     Captain "Ace" Angst..............Co-Pilot
   
     Lieutenant.......................Bombardier
   
     Lieutenant Quentin Quiffer.......Defense Systems Officer (D.S.O)
   
     Lieutenant "Binky" Ballmuff......Navigator
   
     Lieutenant Terry.................Radio-Radar
   
                                 ***
   
                               OTHERS
   
     Colonel Puntrich.................Air Command Duty Officer
   
     Miss Milky Way...................A Secretary
   
     Miss Pietraszkiewicz.............Switchboard Operator
   
                            GENERAL NOTES:
   
       1.  The story will be played for realistic comedy -
       which means the essentially truthful moods and attitudes
       will be portrayed accurately, with an occasional bizarre
       or super-realistic crescendo.  The acting will never be
       so-called "comedy" acting.
   
       2.  The sets and technical details will be done realistic-
       ally and carefully.  We will strive for the maximum
       atmosphere and sense of visual reality from the sets and
       locations.
   
       3.  The Flying sequences will especially be presented
       in as vivid a manner as possible.  Exciting backgrounds
       and special effects will be obtained.
   
1    MAIN TITLE CARD - A WEIRD, HYDRA-HEADED, FURRY
     CREATURE SNARLS AT CAMERA
   
                       ROLL-UP TITLE
   
                "NARDAC BLEFESCU PRESENTS"
   
                     Dr. Strangelove:
   
                             or
   
              How I Learned to Stop Worrying
   
                            and
   
                         Love the
   
                           BOMB
   
                             a
   
              MACRO - GALAXY - METEOR PICTURE
   
1a   MOVING SHOT - THROUGH BLACK, STARRY, PERPETUAL
     NIGHT OF THE UNIVERSE
   
     The motion is straight ahead; passing at varying distances
     are stars, planets, asteroids, moons, aerolites and meteors.
     At great distances we see fantastic whirls of light indicating
     a vast nebula, or we see the incredible, dazzling billion-star
     clusters of another galaxy.
   
     MUSIC - WEIRD, EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL, ELECTRONIC SOUNDS
   
                         NARRATOR
              The bizarre and often amusing pages
              which make up this odd story were dis-
              covered at the bottom of a deep crevice
              in the Great Northern Desert by members
              of our Earth Probe, Nimbus-II.
   
                         NARRATOR
              Our story begins sometime during the
              latter half of Earth's so-called Twentieth
              Century.  Simple nuclear weapons had been
              invented, but used only twice to finish the
              so-called Second World War.
   
The Earth appears ahead of us, continually growing to reveal the
shape of its continents and oceans.
   
                         NARRATOR
              We deal with the period following this,
              which was chiefly marked by the fact that
              though every nation feared surprise attack,
              the full consequences of nuclear weapons
              seemed to escape all governments and their
              people.
   
The Earth is quite close now, its circumference almost filling the
screen.
   
                         NARRATOR
              The quirkish author of this ancient comedy
              seems intentionally to have omitted the names
              of specific countries, possibly in the hope it
              would land a certain Universality to his theme.
   
Geographic details fill the screen.
   
                                                       CUT TO
   
2    DAY - AIR SHOTS - B-90 STING RAY BOMBERS
   
     Magnificent, swept-wing, eight-jet, Mach 2 aircraft.
   
                         NARRATOR
              In order to guard against surprise attack,
              the nation in question kept seventy-five
              B-90 Sting Ray bombers air-borne, twenty-
              four hours a day.  They were armed with
              a full load of nuclear weapons.
   
2a   DAY - B-90's TAKING OFF
   
                         NARRATOR
              As part of this air-borne alert, thirty-five
              B-90 Sting Ray bombers of the Air Command's
              843rd Bomb Wing left the Burpelson Air Force
              Base, fourteen hours before.
   
3    B-90 STING RAYS - FLYING
   
                         NARRATOR
              The aircraft were now dispersed from the
              Persian Gulf to the Arctic Ocean.  They had
              only one geographical factor in common.
              They were all assigned targets inside enemy
              territory.
   
4    DAY - B-90 "LEPER COLONY" at 30,000 FEET
   
                         NARRATOR
              One of the 843d's aircraft, the "Leper
              Colony," was approaching its Positive-
              Control point, Bear Island, a small dot
              in the Barents Sea, where it would turn
              around and head for home.
   
5    DOWN VIEW - STING RAY - FLYING SHOT
   
                         NARRATOR
              Each Sting Ray carried a bomb load of
              fifty megatons, or fifty million tons of TNT,
              equal to fifteen times the total explosive
              force of World War Two, or twenty-five
              thousand times the explosive force of the
              Atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima.
   
6    REAR VIEW - STING RAY - FLYING SHOT
   
                         NARRATOR
              The long, tense hours which always passed
              with such agonizing slowness during the
              twenty-four hours of an air-borne alert,
              now began to move quicker, as the mission
              passed its halfway mark.
   
7    FRONT VIEW - STING RAY - FLYING SHOT
   
                         NARRATOR
              The crew of the "Leper Colony" knew they
              guarded the peace of the world just as
              surely as they knew the price they must
              pay within themselves to do it.
   
8    CU - MAJOR "KING" KONG - PILOT - INT. STING RAY
   
     He is a sharp-eyed, steady veteran flyer.
   
     CAMERA PULLS BACK
   
     showing MAJOR KONG, absorbed in a copy of "Plaything"
     magazine and absently munching a sandwich.  We feature
     a photograph.
   
     PHOTOGRAPH - DOUBLE FOLD OF NUDE BLONDE
   
     Miss Milky Way, Plaything of the Month, a top government
     stenographer and part-time model.
   
     CAMERA PULLS BACK - CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST
   
     showing CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST, the co-pilot, reading another
     copy of "Plaything" and taking healthy bites out of an
     apple.  He is a lean, bronzed, muscular type.
   
     The plane cruises on auto-pilot.
   
8a   NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF - READS "PLAYTHING"
   
     A burly, hoarse-voiced man in his early thirties, he sips
     coffee and chews on his sandwich.
   
8b   RADIO-RADAR- LIEUTENANT TERRY TOEJAM - READS "SUNSHINE
     AND LOVE"
   
     A tall, curly-haired, meticulous man in his late twenties,
     he nibbles a piece of cake.
   
8c   BOMBARDIER - LIEUTENANT LOTHAR ZOGG - A NEGRO
   
     A short, bull-necked man in his early thirties, smoking
     and dunking a cake.  He reads "Nitelife" magazine.
   
8d   D.S.O. - LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER - READS "HI-JINKS"
   
     The Defense Systems Officer, LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER,
     a blond, pleasant mid-Westerner.  He eats chocolate
     crackers from a box.
   
8e   NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF
   
     He idly glances at his charts without putting down his
     copy of "Plaything" and snaps his intercom button.
   
                       LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF
             Three minutes to turning point.  Heading
             will be three-three-five.
                 (back to "Plaything")
   
8f   MS - PILOT - MAJOR "KING" KONG
   
     He glances up from his copy of "Plaything" and with the
     easy grace of a veteran pilot, leans forward and changes
     his gyro heading.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Roger.  Heading three-three-five.
                 (back to "Plaything")
   
8g   CU - RADARSCOPE
   
     There are a number of them.  This one is the maximum
     search radar.  The outer rim of the scope reveals a
     small point of light.  At the same moment an electronic
     tone alarm directs the attention of the D.S.O. from
     his reading to the scope.
   
8h   CU - D.S.O. LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER LOOKING UP
     FROM "HI-JINKS"
   
     He studies the scope calmly and frowns.
   
8i   CU - RADARSCOPE
   
     The D.S.O. moves a strobe marker to the blip.
   
8j   CU - D.S.O.
   
     Quickly figuring on pad.
   
                       LIEUTENANT QUIFFER
                 (routinely)
             Bogey at one-four-five, approximately a
             hundred and thirty-five miles.
   
8k   CU - NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF
   
     Turning his copy of "Plaything" over so as not to lose
     his place, plots a position.  We see that the radar
     contact is between the "Leper Colony" and the enemy
     coast.
   
                       LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF
             Probably another radar surveillance job.
   
8l   CU - PILOT
   
     Without looking up from his copy of "Plaything".
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (absently)
             Yes, that's probably what it is.
   
8m   CLOSE RADARSCOPE
   
     The blip suddenly vanishes as the scope goes completely
     white.
   
                       LIEUTENANT QUIFFER
                 (calmly)
             He's showing off his ECM - jamming us out.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (still absorbed in "Plaything")
             I wonder why he's doing that?
   
                       LIEUTENANT QUIFFER
             I was thinking the same thing.  Shall I
             give him a taste of ours?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (still reading)
             Why should we do that, Quentin?
   
                       LIEUTENANT QUIFFER
                 (goes back to "Plaything")
             Yes, I suppose you're right, King.
   
8n   CU - THE CRM - 114
   
     This is the most highly guarded Air Command secret device.
     It is an automatic code receiver which displays three
     letters and three numerals.
   
     It suddenly whirrs and clicks into life, displaying three
     letters and three numerals.
   
8o   CU - LIEUTENANT TERRY TOEJAM
   
     Looks up slowly from his magazine, leans forward and jots
     down the coded message.  He carefully flips through a
     code book.
   
                       LIEUTENANT TOEJAM
             Major Kong, we got a message from base.
   
8p   CU - PILOT
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (still reading)
             Good.
   
8q   MS - LIEUTENANT TOEJAM RAPIDLY DECODES THE MESSAGE
   
                       LIEUTENANT TOEJAM
             I've decoded it, Major Kong.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Good.
   
                       LIEUTENANT TOEJAM
             It reads: Wing to hold at X-points.
   
8r   CUTS TO CREW
   
     The magazines are lowered in slow motion.
   
8s   CU - BOMBARDIER - LIEUTENANT LOTHAR ZOGG
   
                       LIEUTENANT ZOGG
                 (into intercom)
             I wonder why the're doing that.
   
8t   CU - PILOT - MAJOR "KING" KONG
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (wisely)
             They have their reasons.
   
8u   CU - NAVIGATOR - LIEUTENANT "BINKY" BALLMUFF
   
                       LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF
             But we've been up fourteen hours.  I'm
             beat.
   
8v   CUTS TO CREW
   
     Who mumble ad-libs of agreement with the Navigator.
     Then slowly, each man goes back to his magazine and
     his lunch.
   
8w   CU - LIEUTENANT LOTHAR ZOGG - READING
   
                       LIEUTENANT ZOGG
                 (sighing)
             Probably an exercise.
   
                       LIEUTENANT TOEJAM
                 (reading)
             Probably.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (reading)
             They have their reasons.
   
     VARIOUS CUTS
   
     And now the six-man crew is still again, pondering the
     mysteries of beautiful women and calmly digesting their
     lunch.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (wistfully to co-pilot)
             Ace, do you think she's really a top
             government secretary?
   
     He refers to the double fold-out of Miss Milky Way.
   
                       CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST
                 (cynically)
             Yeah, I'll bet she holds the world's
             horizontal short-hand record.
   
     SUPERIMPOSE TITLE:  "BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE
                        HEADQUARTERS 843rd BOMB WING"
   
9    NIGHT - EXT. MOONLIT VIEWS OF BASE - VARIOUS CUTS
   
     While the Wing is air-borne, the staff work is heavy, and
     the ground crews work overtime to refit aircraft.  The
     runways are clear, and only the giant cicadas and the
     occasional whine of an electric tool break the stillness
     of the starry desert night.
   
10   INT. BASE COMBAT OPERATIONS CENTER
   
     It is sunken fifty feet below the administration
     building.  Six officers man the command bridge.
   
     A loud buzzer.
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE lifts special phone.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Combat Operations Center, Major Mandrake
             speaking.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             This is General Ripper speaking.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Yes, sir.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             Do you recognize my voice?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Certainly, General.  Why do you ask, sir?
   
11   INT. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER'S OFFICE
   
     Large, plush, part Air Force, part big executive - swank
     office decorations and furniture.  A name-plate on his
     desk reads, "General Jack D. Ripper".
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
                 (sharply)
             Why do you think I ask?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             I don't know, sir. We just spoke a few
             minutes ago.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
                 (ruffled)
             Youddon't think I'd ask if you recognized
             my voice unless it was important, do you,
             Major?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             No, sir.
   
     The scene will intercut between MANDRAKE and RIPPER.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             Good.  Has the Wing confirmed holding at
             X-points?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Yes, sir.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             All right, Major.  I'm putting the base on
             condition Red.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Condition Red!
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             That's right.  I want this flashed to all
             section immediately.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Yes, sir.  What's up, General Ripper?
   
     A significant pause.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             You're a good officer, Major Mandrake.  You
             have a right to know.  It looks like we're in
             a shooting war!
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             A shooting war!
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             Yes, Major.  This looks like it's going to be
             it.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             But...what kind of a shooting war?  Have they
             hit any of our cities yet?
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             Major, that's all I've been told.  Just got
             it on the red phone.  The base is to be sealed
             tight.  And I mean tight.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Yes, sir.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER.
             That includes all communications and phones -
             incoming as well as outgoing.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             What if someone wants to call us?
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             Let me worry about that, Major. I've still
             got my red line to the Air Command.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             That's right, sir.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             We don't want to be vulnerable to saboteurs
             calling up and pretending to be different
             people from the President down, do we?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             You're right, sir.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             No calls from inside out.  No calls from
             outside in are even answered.  No calls.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             I understand, sir.  Nothing comes or goes
             without your personal say-so.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
                 (harshly)
             No calls at all.  With or without my say-so.
             My voice can be imitated too, Major.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Yes, sir.  I just thought of something,
             sir.  How do I know I'm talking to you now?
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             Who do you think you're talking to?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             To you, sir.  But how do I know?
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             Are you trying to be insubordinate?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             No, sir.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             I hope not.  Now, as soon as you do what
             I told you, have Plan-R radioed to the Wing.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Plan-R????
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             Are you hard of hearing, Major?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             No, sir.  Plan-R to be radioed to the Wing.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             As soon as you've done that, shut down the
             communications center.  Lock it up and
             assign the personnel to base security details.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             General Ripper, if I shut down the communi-
             cations center, there'll be no radio or
             teleprinter contact with Air Command head-
             quarters or anyone, for that matter.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             Are you questioning my orders, Major?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             No, sir.  I'm just bringing the facts to
             your attention, sir.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             You're a good officer, Major, and you're
             perfectly right to bring these facts to my
             attention.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Thank you, sir.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             Now, as soon as you've done that, double-
             up on all base security teams.  Our enemies
             are plenty smart, and there might even be
             an attack on the base by saboteurs.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Yes, sir.
   
                       GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER
             And lastly, all privately owned radios
             are to be immediately impounded.  They can
             be used to issue instructions to saboteurs.
             Air Police will have lists of all owners.
   
12   DAY - AIR SHOT - B-90 "LEPER COLONY"
   
13   DAY - INT. B-90 - VARIOUS CUTS
   
     The crew is still wistfully absorbed in their magazines.
   
13a  CU - CRM-114
   
     It whirrs to life again.  Clicking off three letters and
     three numerals.
   
13b  CU - LT. TOEJAM - RADIO
   
     He idly glances up at it.  Sighs, reaches for his code book
     and starts decoding.  He frowns.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             Hey, King.  Somebody at Burpelson has
             a very perverted sense of humor.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (reading)
             Yeah?
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             I just got another blast on the CRM-114, and
             the damned thing decodes: Wing Attack, Plan-R.
   
13c  CU - PILOT - MAJOR "KING" KONG
   
     He looks up pensively.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Wing attack, Plan-R?
   
13d  MASTER SHOT
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             Wing attack, Plan-R.  That's exactly
             what it says.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (lets magazine fall in lap)
             Check your code again.  No one at base
             would pull a stunt like that, Terry.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             That's what I'm doing, and it comes out
             the same.
   
     There is a pause as they think of the unthinkable.
   
                       LT. "BINKY" BALLMUFF
                 (standing)
             You must have made a mistake.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             That's what it decodes.  Come and see for
             yourself, Binky.  Wing attack, Plan-R.
   
     The whole crew comes up and hunches over the CRM-114.
     The plane cruises on auto-pilot.
   
                       LT. LOTHAR ZOGG
                 (softly)
             Well, I'll be damned.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
                 (holding out code book
                 to pilot)
             Here, check it yourself.
   
13e  CU - MAJOR KONG
   
     His cheek muscles twitch under his bronzed face.  He is the picture
     of leadership.  He turns away from the men for a moment, stares
     thoughtfully into space, then turns back determinedly.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (with quiet dignity)
             Then this is it.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             What?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (solemnly)
             War.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
                 (awe-struck)
             War?
   
                       CAPTAIN ANGST
                 (nodding gravely)
             Yes, that must be what it is.
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
                 (aghast)
             War?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (stunned)
             What else could it be?
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Maybe it's an exercise.
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
             Yeah, to see if we're on our toes.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (wisely)
             No, they wouldn't send us in with bombs
             on an exercise.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Maybe they want to test our loyalty.
   
                       CAPTAIN ANGST
             But we got the Go-code.  It's never been
             given to anyone before.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (scowling)
             No, this looks like the real thing.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
                 (philosophically)
             Yeah, it sure looks like the real thing,
             all right.
   
     They all soberly reflect on the wider implications of the
     news.  The BOMBARDIER cracks his knuckles.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (shaking his head)
             It's going to be rough on the folks
             back home.
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
             Yeah - real rough.
   
     They all shake their heads in melancholy agreement.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             I wonder how it started?
   
                       CAPTAIN ANGST
             Yes, how could it have started?
   
     THE D.S.O. shatter the calm dignity of the crew by raising
     his voice.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             The bastards must have hit us!
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
             Yeah - but why would they do that,
             Quentin?
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             How do I know?  But they must have.  We
             wouldn't have started it.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             He's right.  We wouldn't have started it.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
                 (beginning to shout)
             They must have clobbered some of our
             cities already!
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             He's right.  They must have clobbered
             some of our cities already.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             The dirty, stinking, rotten, sons of B's!!
             They might have clobbered Marge and the
   
                       LT. QUIFFER (cont)
             kids already!
   
13f  CU - MAJOR KONG
   
     He studies LT. QUIFFER with a jaundiced look.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (John Wayne)
             Okay, cut it, Lieutenant Quiffer!  If you
             speak once more before I give you per-
             mission, you'll face a general court
             martial when we get back.
                 (looks around)
             And that goes for everyone else.
   
     He pauses for effect.
   
13g  CU - D.S.O.
   
     LIEUTENANT QUENTIN QUIFFER looks down sheepishly.
   
13h  CU - MAJOR KONG
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (John Wayne)
             Boys, we've got a mission to carry out.
             It's not exactly a pleasant one, but our
             country's counting on us, and we're not
             going to let 'em down.
   
13i  FULL SHOT - THE CREW
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             I'm sorry, Major Kong.  I guess I was
             way out of line.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (extending his hand)
             Forget it, Quentin.  It can happen to the
             best of us.  Now let's get squared away.
   
     With various ad libs of agreement, the crew scramble
     back to their action stations.
   
13j  VARIOUS SHOTS - CREW
   
     LIEUTENANT BALLMUFF opens a small safe and searches out a
     thick 8 x 10 sealed envelope marked "Plan-R", from among a
     dozen others.
   
     He shoots an inquiring look to the pilot and gets a nod.
     He breaks open the seal and distributes individual folders
     to each of the crew.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Give me a first rough course as soon
             as you can, Lieutenant Ballmuff.
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
             Roughly, one-zero-five. I'll have it
             plotted in a minute, Major Kong.
   
13k  MS - MAJOR KONG
   
     He adjusts the gyro, banks the big plane, and opens his folder.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (reading from his folder)
             Okay.  Check these points.  Complete radio
             silence.  To ensure that the enemy can't
             plant false transmissions and fake orders,
             the CRM-114 is to be switched into all
             receiver circuits.  The three code letters
             of the period are to be set on the alphabet
             dials of the CRM-114, which will in turn
             block any transmissions other than those
             preceded by the code letters. You got it?
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             Roger, I'm setting up the CRM-114.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Primary target the ICBM base at Laputa.
             One weapon fused for air burst at ten thou-
             sand.  Second weapon to be used if first
             malfunctions.  Otherwise the secondary gets
             it - the airfield outside of Karnak.  Fused
             air burst at ten thousand.
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
             I've got the heading, Major.  One-three-eight.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Roger. One-three-eight.
   
     While he talks, other CUTS to the crew prepraring for battle.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             In about twenty minutes we start losing
             height to keep under coastal radar.  Cross
             in over the coast low-level, continue low-
             level on zig-zag legs to primary, and climb
             for bomb run.
                  (pause)
             Any questions?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             I've got one.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Shoot, Lothar.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Our targets are a missile complex and
             an airfield - not cities, right?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             That's what I said.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Well, if there's a war, they must have
             hit us first.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             What's your point, Lothar?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Well, if they hit us first, they've probably
             fired off their missiles and got their planes
             off the ground already.  We'll just be hitting
             empty real estate.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Are you saying our order don't make sense?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Hellnno, Major.  I was just trying to think
             the thing through.
   
                       MAJOR "KING" KONG
             Lothar, you're down in the pay books as
             a bombardier, and you're a damned good
             bombardier.  In fact, you're the best
             damned bombardier in 843rd Wing.
   
14
   
15
   
15a  COLONEL PUNTRICH
   
     He sits at a table
     a phone.  Six other officers are around him.
   
                       COLONEL PUNTRICH
             Hello?  This is Colonel Puntrich of Air
             Command Headquarters.  Please connect
             me with General "Buck" Schmuck.
   
16   NIGHT - EXT. MODERN HOTEL
   
                                                       DISSOLVE
   
17   SWITCHBOARD IN HOTEL
   
     The night GIRL is reading a paperback murder mystery.
   
                       SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
             I'm sorry, sir.  General Schmuck is
             asleep and he isn't taking calls until
             eight-thirty.
   
                       COLONEL PUNTRICH
             What is your name, young lady?
   
                       SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
             Ceida Pietraszkiewicz.
   
                       COLONEL PUNTRICH
             What did you say?
   
                       SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
             Ceida Pietraszkiewicz...P...I...E...
             T...R...A...S...Z...K...I...E...W...
             I...C...Z.
   
                       COLONEL PUNTRICH
                  (he pronounces it perfectly)
             Now look here, Miss Pietraszkiewicz,
             this is Air Command Headquarters
             calling.
   
                                                       DISSOLVE
   
18   OMITTED
   
19   NIGHT - INT. HOTEL ROOM - GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
   
     Phone rings.  He wakes slowly, coughing from too many
     cigarettes.  He snaps on the bed lamp and picks up the
     phone.  The night table contains tissues, nose drops, and
     a glass of water.  There is a pretty blonde asleep in the
     next bed, Miss Milky Way, Plaything of the Month!
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                  (angrily)
             Yes!
   
                       COLONEL PUNTRICH
             General Schmuck?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Yes!  Who the hell is this?
   
     Miss MILKY WAY, about nineteen, appears from under the
     blankets of the adjoining twin bed.  She yawns and stretches,
     revealing her astonishing body.  She is indeed the same girl
     we saw featured in the "Plaything" fold-out-inside the B-90.
   
                       COLONEL PUNTRICH
             This is Colonel Puntrich, sir.  Duty officer
             at Air Command.  I'm sorry to disturb you,
             sir.
   
                       MILKY WAY
                  (yawning)
             Who is it, Buck, honey?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                  (covering mouthpiece)
             Go back to sleep, baby.
   
                       COLONEL PUNTRICH
             What did you say, sir?
   
     She smiles, crosses over next to the General, and begins
     playing with his ear.  He shrugs her off, playfully.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             I didn't say anything.  What's the meaning
             of disturbing me at this hour, Colonel?
   
                       COLONEL PUNTRICH
             General Schmuck, we monitored a trans-
             mission about six minutes ago from Burpelson
             Air Force Base, HQ 843rd Wing.  It was
             apparently directed to their Wing on air-
             borne alert.  It decoded as - Wing attack,
             Plan-R.
   
     She begins kissing his neck.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Colonel, you're not drunk, are you, man?
   
                       COLONEL PUNTRICH
             No, sir.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Then why bother me with this nonsense?
             Get in touch with the base commander.
   
     She pulls him flat on the bed.
   
                       COLONEL PUNTRICH
             We tried to contact General Jack D. Ripper
             at the base, but all their communications
             are dead, sir.
   
     She sprawls on top of him.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Well, that's ridiculous.  If the teleprinter
             and radio links are out of order, just pick
             up a phone and pay for a call.
   
                       COLONEL PUNTRICH
             I know it sounds crazy, sir, but we tried,
             and nobody answers any of the telephones.
   
     GENERAL SCHMUCK sits up.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Does the threat board show anything?
   
                       COLONEL PUNTRICH
             Well, that's the funny part of it, too,
             sir.  It doesn't show a damned thing.
   
20   NIGHT - EXT. LONG SHOT - BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE
   
     Buttoning-up activity continues as the men listen to the
     GENERAL's broadcast echoing on a public address system.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                  (public address system)
             I want to impress on you the need for
             watchfulness.  A commie will try any
             trick to breach the security on this
             base.
   
21   PERIMETER FENCE - 10-MAN SECURITY DETAIL
   
     Digging in a machine gun about ten yards outside fence.
     The riflemen are spread out at 5-year intervals and are
     digging foxholes.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                  (p.a.)
             He may come individually, or he may come
             in strength.  He may come in the uniform
             of our own troops.
   
22   ANOTHER AREA - PERIMETER FENCE - 8-MEN SECURITY DETAIL
   
     They set up another light-machine gun.  A squad of riflemen
     dig in too.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                  (p.a.)
             Trust no one, whatever his rank, who is not
             known to you personally.
   
23   AIR POLICE - INT. HANGAR
   
     Collecting radios.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                  (p.a.)
             Anyone or anything that approaches within
             two hundred yards of the perimeter is to
             be fired upon - without challenge.
   
24   INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER - MAJOR MANDRAKE
   
     The last of the staff are leaving.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                  (p.a.)
             There are to be no exceptions to these
             orders.  Last of all, I want to say I know
             all of you are worrying about your families
             here on the base and all over the country.
   
25   INT. GENERAL RIPPER'S OFFICE
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Well, you can be sure other men are
             defending your families elsewhere with
             the same unyielding spirit we're going
             to show here at Burpelson.  Good luck
             to you all.
   
     RIPPER flicks the mike button and sinks wearily back
     into his chair.  He lights a cigarette and inhales
     with satisfaction.
   
26   INT. COMMUNICATIONS SECTION - MAJOR MANDRAKE
   
     Snaps off his desk lamp and walks down the long, deserted
     room, double-clicking various power switches.
   
     He picks up a small transistor radio and idly snaps it on.
     A pop song ends and a disc jockey begins his commercial.
   
26a  CLOSE - MAJOR MANDRAKE
   
     He tunes in a few other stations.  All programs are normal.
   
     MANDRAKE frowns, thinks for a moment, and suddenly dashes
     out of the room.
   
27   NIGHT - EXT. IMPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT BUILDING
   
     Key personnel begin to arrive in cars which screech to stop.
   
28   NIGHT - INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING HALL - VARIOUS SHOTS
   
     Officers hurrying to their tasks.  M.P.'S guard re-
     stricted areas.
   
29   INT. WAR ROOM - (SEE PHOTO)
   
30   INT. WAR ROOM COMMAND BRIDGE
   
     A very large conference room.  One wall is an enormous
     soundproof glass panel opening onto the various electronic
     displays in the War Room.
   
     Enter, PRESIENT MERKIN MUFFLEY, in a fury.
   
     Rising around a very large, polished wood conference table
     are the Chiefs of Staff, Army, Navy, and Air Force, as well
     as various military and civilian senior aides - about
     twenty altogether.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                  (seething)
             Good morning, gentlemen.  Please sit
             down.
   
     They sit. There are readable nameplates in front of each
     officer.
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Good morning, Mister President.
   
     The PRESIDENT scowls.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Now, what the hell's going on?
   
     Four-Star Air Force General, "BUCK" SCHMUCK, stands and
     assumes his maximum dignity.
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Well, Mister President.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             What kind of trouble?
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Well, sir, about forty-six minutes ago one
             of my base commanders, General Jack D. Ripper,
             sent out attack orders to the thirty-four B-90's
             of the 843rd Bomb Wing, under his command.
   
Note:  1.  The name Schmuck appears on page 1431 of the 1961-62
Manhattan Telephone Directory.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             General Schmuck?
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Yes, sir.  He issued attack orders to --
   
     A paroxysm of rage seizes the President, MERKIN MUFFLEY, as he
     pounds his fist on the table, knocking over his nameplate.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             May I be stupid enough to inquire WHY IN
             HELL THE BASE COMMANDER OF THE 843d BOMB
             WING DID A THING LIKE THAT ???
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             To be perfectly honest, Mister President, we
             really aren't sure.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             You aren't sure!
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Not exactly, sir.  You see, Colonel Puntrich
             at Air Command HQ received a call from him
             about twenty minutes ago.  He asked General
             Ripper if he had issued the Go-code and the
             attack order, and General Ripper said:
                  (he reads from a
                  piece of paper)
             "Sure, the orders came from me.  They're
             on their way in, and I advise you to get
             the rest of Air Command in after them.
             My boys will give you the best kind of
             start, and you sure as hell won't stop
             them now."  Then he hung up.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Damn it!  Damn it!  I've been telling
             you all for years you've got too damned
             many psychoes in the service.
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Be fair, Mister President.  Didn't we
             initiate the Human Reliability tests
             for all personnel handling nuclear
             weapons?
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Buck, when I told you to give them
             right up to the top, you said we
             couldn't insult a general officer
             by asking him to pass a test to
             see if he's a psycho.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             It was a honest mistake, sir.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             I presume the planes are armed?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             I'm afraid so, Mister Presient.
             Being part of the air-borne alert,
             each plane is carrying a full
             load - about fifty megatons apiece.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Well, what about the Positive Control,
             the safety catch?  Don't the planes
             automatically come back unless they
             get a second order?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             That's right, sir.  But the planes
             were at their Positive Control
             points, ready to turn around when
             General Ripper issued the final
             Go-code.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             And I suppose there's some reason
             why you haven't recalled them?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Yes, sir.  The base commander,
             General Ripper, selected Plan-R?
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             What the hell is Plan-R?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Well, sir, Plan-R is an emergency
             plan to be used by lower echelon
             commanders if higher echelons
             have been knocked out by a sneak
             attack.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Why can't you cancel it?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Once the orders have been given,
             Plan-R requires any new orders
             to be received on the CRM-114
             in the aircraft.  But the CRM-114
             will not receive any transmissions
             unless they are preceded by the
             proper three-letter code group.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             And I suppose you're going to
             tell me you don't know what the
             three-letter code is.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Mister President, to guard
             against espionage, the three
             letter of the code group for
             Plan-R are always selected
             by the lower echelon commander
             himself, just before each
             mission.  They are sealed in
             the various attack plans and
             are known only to the lower
             echelon commander and his
             deputy.  In this case the
             deputy is air-borne with the
             Wing, and General Ripper
             refuses to recall the planes.
   
     The PRESIDENT shakes his head, wrathfully.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             How soon until the enemy finds
             out what's going on?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             We estimate the planes should
             be entering their coastal radar
             cover in about twenty-five min-
             utes.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             How could you let this happen,
             General Schmuck?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Mister President, I know you
             think I've let you down, but
             we had to have a Plan-R.  If
             we completely centralized the
             command and control, all a
             potential aggressor would
             have to worry about was knock-
             ing out maybe half a dozen
             headquarters and the Capitol,
             and we'd be out of business.
             We'd have planes and missiles
             just sitting there while we
             were getting clobbered.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Then there's no chance for
             recall?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             I should say practically none,
             though we have our communications
             center plowing through every
             possible three-letter combination.
             The trouble is that there are
             about seventeen thousand permutations,
             and it will take us approximately
             four and a half days to go through
             them all.
   
     There is a knock at the door.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Yes, what is it?
   
                       M.P. CAPTAIN
             Excuse me, sir.  But the mess
             orderlies are outside with the
             breakfasts everyone ordered.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (waspishly)
             Captain, do you think the mess
             orderlies would mind waiting
             a few minutes until we have
             finished our little meeting?
   
                       M.P. CAPTAIN
                 (confused)
             No, sir...I mean, yes, sir.
             I'm sure they wouldn't.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (shouts)
             Thank you, Captain.  Now
             shut the damned door!
   
     He shuts the door.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY (Cont)
             I want to talk to the base
             commander, what's his name?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             General Jack D. Ripper, sir.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             I want to talk to General Ripper.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             But we can't communicate with
             the base.
   
     The PRESIDENT leans back and thinks for a moment.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             General Faceman, are there any
             troops stationed near the base
             who are not under General Ripper's
             command?
   
     All eyes go to GENERAL "FLASH" FACEMAN, the Army Chief.
   
                       GENERAL "FLASH" FACEMAN
             I believe so, Mister President.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (in burning sarcasm)
             Is it possible for you to
             know definitely, General?
   
                       GENERAL "FLASH" FACEMAN
             Yes, sir.  I can confirm it, but
             I believe there's a Special Services
             outfit stationed just on the other
             side of town, about seven miles
             away.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             General Faceman, I want you to get
             on the phone yourself and speak to
             the officer in charge --
   
                       GENERAL  FACEMAN
             Yes, sir.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (rapid fire)
             Please don't say "yes, sir" until
             I've finished speaking.  Tell him
             to get himself and his men moving
             immediately.  I don't even want
             them to waste time dressing.  Just
             have them carry their weapons and
             ammunition, and move 'em out by
             any available means of transportation.
             If they don't have enough vehicles,
             commandeer cars off the highway.
             I want them there within fifteen
             minutes.  And if he can't get them
             all there, get as many as he can.
             I want them to enter the base, locate
             General Ripper, and immediately put
             him in telephone contact with me.
             You understand, don't you, General?
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
                 (starts out of room)
             Yes, sir.  One thing, Mister President.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Yes?
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
             Under a condition red alert, the
             base will probably be sealed off
             and defended by the base security
             troops.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             I am aware of what a condition
             red alert implies.
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
             Well, sir, they may not allow
             the Special Service troops to
             enter the base.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (sarcastically)
             That's a very wise deduction,
             General.
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
             Thank you, sir.  But what shall
             I tell them to do if they are
             denied entrance?
   
     The PRESIDENT rocks in his chair looking as if he were about
     to explode.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Under the circumstances, General,
             what would you think they should
             do?
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
             Well...I suppose penetrate the base
             by force.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             You see, you knew the answer all
             the time, General.
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
             But that would mean some of our
             own boys will get hurt, Mister
             President.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             What do you suppose is going to
             happen if General Ripper's planes
             start bombing their targets?
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
             That certainly would be a problem,
             sir.
   
                       CADAVERLY
             Mister President, how do you feel
             about Civil Defense?
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Civil Defense...Hm-mmm...We don't
             want to cause an unnecessary panic.
   
                       CADAVERLY
             Shall we allow the situation to
             mature a bit, sir?
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Yes, I think that's the wisest
             policy for the moment.
   
31   EXT. FLYING SHOT - B-90 STING RAY
   
     Tilting down toward the sea.
   
32   INT. B-90
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
                 (navigator)
             Make rate of descent fifteen hundred
             per minute.  That should slide us in
             nicely under their radar cover.
   
     MAJOR KONG adjusts trim, throttling back slightly to maintain
     correct speed.  We see the rate of descent indicator steady
     at 1500, speed steady at Mach one-three on the Machmeter.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Steady at fifteen hundred per minute.
             Speed steady at Mach one-three.
   
     The navigator, LT. BALLMUFF, glances at his Ground Position
     Indicator, on which certain of the pilot's instruments are
     duplicated.
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
             Roger, maintain.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Lothar, take your checks now.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Okay, Major.
   
     LT. ZOGG, the Negro bombardier, is sitting in the midst of
     his equipment, which comprises several radioscopes and a
     battery of buttons and switch gear, as well as several banked
     rows of lights.  He goes through the checks quickly, at ease
     wit the familiar equipment and a familiar task.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Main search radar all green.  Set for
             maximum range, maximum sweep.
   
     Again CUT between the pilot and bombardier, as bombardier
     calls each piece of equipment in turn, and pilot checks them
     on his list.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Both electronic detectors set to swing
             from stud A through H.
   
     We see, on the bulky electronic detector, a small rotor
     arm moving rapidly through the sequence of stud settings,
     and flicking back to start again.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             A through H is correct.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
                 (D.S.O.)
             Main interference linked to electronic
             detector.  Fight interference on readi-
             ness state.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Check.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Missile and plane flight path computer
             showing four greens.
   
     We see the four lights winking on an off in rotation
     on the computer.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Check.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Zombies set to knock out local air
             defense four hundred miles from
             primary.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Target approach radar tuning is right.
             All approach transparencies are checked,
             one through twenty-five.
   
     We see bombardier take one of the transparencies, slide it over
     approach radarscope.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Check target approach.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Bomb doors circuit is green, bomb
             release circuit is green, bomb fusing
             circuit is green.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Check, all bomb circuits green.  Okay,
             Lothar.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             When do you want to arm the bomb for
             the primary, Major?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             As soon as I've checked over the route.
             About five minutes.  All right?
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
             In thirty seconds count-down clock should
             read eight-three minutes, King.
   
32a  COUNT-DOWN CLOCK
   
     Pilot's hand sets clock to "83"
   
33   DAWN - LS - BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE
   
     All the security details are in position, and everything is covered by
     a peaceful hush.
   
34   CU - GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER POINTING A 45 AUTOMATIC - INT. HIS OFFICE
   
     He gestures with the gun in a weirdly amiable way.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Sit down, Major Mandrake.
   
34a  MASTER SHOT
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE closes the door behind him and sits.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (smiling nervously)
             What's the gun for, General Ripper?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Please don't take any notice of this
             weapon, Major.  I love all weapons, and
             as of late, I've just taken to keeping
             a loaded weapon nearby at all times.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (laughs shakily)
             Sort of like a new hobby, huh, General?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             That's right, Major.
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE still holds the little transistor radio which softly
     plays a rock and roll tune.  He smiles, idiotically.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                 (softly)
             I see you're playing your radio, Major.
             Isn't that contrary to my instructions
             for the personnel of this base?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Oh, it's not my radio, sir.  I picked it
             up in the communications center.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             I didn't mean for anyone to play anyone else's
             radio either, Major.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Yes, sir.  General, can I ask a question?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Certainly, Major Mandrake.  You're a
             good officer, and you can ask me a question
             any time you want to.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Well, General Ripper, sir -- I was
             thinking -- we're on a condition red,
             aren't we?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             That is correct, Major.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             And a condition red means enemy attack
             in progress, doesn't it?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             You know the regulations well, Major.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Well, sir, I was thinking, if an enemy
             attack is in progress, how come the radio's
             still playing music?  It's supposed to go
             off, and all we should hear are Civil Defense
             broadcasts.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             That's a good question, Major.  Maybe if you
             think hard, you can think of the answer
             yourself.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (timidly)
             Well, I was thinking, maybe an enemy attack
             is not in progress?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             And if that were true?
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE wrinkles his forehead apprehensively.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (cautiously)
             But then, sir, why have you issued the order:
             Wing attack, Plan-R?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Because I thought it proper, Major.  Why else
             would you think I'd do it?
   
34b  CU - MAJOR MANDRAKE - AS THE FULL TRUTH SINKS IN
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             You mean you are...starting...the War,
             sir?
   
34c  MASTER SHOT
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Suppose that were the case?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (awe-struck)
             But -- why...that would be an awful
             thing to do, sir.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Perhaps, Major.  Perhaps.  Pour me a
             scotch and soda, please.  And help yourself
             to whatever you like.
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE rises unsteadily and goes to the built-in wall bar.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Don't fret about it, Major.  There's nothing
             anyone can do about it now.  I'm the only
             one who knows the three-letter code group
             for the CRM-114.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             I know that, sir.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             We've come a long way since World War II,
             Major.  And the lessons we've learned are
             all in Plan-R.
   
     MANDRAKE's hands tremble as he pours the drinks.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             I suppose they are, sir.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             You're damned right they are.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             How much soda, sir.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Just a squirt.
   
     He gives a squirt.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             That about right?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                 (accepting drink)
             Perfect.  Thank you, Major.  And now
             let's drink a toast.
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE pours himself a big slug and keeps it straight.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (raising his glass)
             What shall we drink to, sir?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                 (with the eyes of a zealot)
             To peace on earth.
   
     They touch glasses.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             General Ripper, can I ask another question?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Ask away, Major.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Well, General -- I was wondering, why are
             you doing this?  I mean why do you want to
             start the war?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             I've given it alot of thought, Major.  Don't
             think I haven't.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             No, sir.  I mean I didn't think you hadn't
             given it a lot of thought.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Do you remember what Clemenceau once said
             about war?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             I don't think so, sir.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             He said war was too important a matter
             to be left to Generals.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             I see.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             When he said it, fifty years ago, he might
             have been right.  But today, war is too
             important to be left to the politicians. Do
             you follow me, Major?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             I'm trying to, sir.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             You see, Major, at this very moment, while
             we sit and chat, a decision is being made by
             the President in the War Room.  He knows
             that the enemy will pick up our planes on their
             radar in about twenty minutes.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             But when they do, sir, won't they hit back
             with everything they've got?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             If we haven't taken any further action, they
             certainly will.  Doyyourhappen to remember
             the statistics on our casualties in the event
             of a full-scale enemy attack?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Well, I think I remember reading the report
             on that.  Wasn't it something like a hundred
             and sixty million?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             That's close enough, Major.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             But then why do you want to kill a hundred
             and sixty million of our people, sir?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             You're being dense, Major.  I certainly don't
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER (Cont)
             want to kill so many of our people.  And
             neither does the President.  Now look,
             Major Mandrake.  What happens if the
             President immediately orders our entire
             missile force to hit enemy airfields,
             missiles and bases?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             I suppose we might catch them off their
             guard.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Our missiles would impact before my planes
             were even discovered by the enemy, wouldn't
             they?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             I guess so.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             I know so, Major.  I know so.  And add to that,
             the whole Air Command force being committed to
             clobber everything they've got.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             But even then, we wouldn't get everything.  I
             mean some missiles would abort, or they'd miss
             their targets, or maybe the enemy have some
             secret bases we don't know about.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             You're absolutely right.  You forgot to mention
             their nuclear subs.  But it wouldn't matter.
             Sure we wouldn't get off without getting our
             hair mussed, but we'd prevail.  I don't think
             we'd lose more than fifty million people, tops.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (hesitatingly)
             But if you just let things alone, we wouldn't
             lose anyone.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Major Mandrake, I guess you don't follow what's
             going on too closely, do you?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Where, sir?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                 (smiles patronisingly)
             Where?  Everywhere, Major.  Everywhere.
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE nods, blankly.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER (Cont)
             Have you read much about the disarmament
             talks, Major?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Well, I know they've been going on for
             years, and they haven't gotten any place.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Not yet, Major.  Not yet.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             And I guess they won't until they agree to
             let us inspect inside their country.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             You're very naive, Major.  Don't they say
             they want disarmament?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Yes, sir.  But so do we.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             But we mean it because we are a peace-
             loving country.  Are they a peace-loving
             country, Major.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             I don't know, sir.  But they're just as
             anxious to avoid a nuclear war as we are.
             War just doesn't make sense any more, for
             anybody.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             But war doesn't make sense precisely because
             the weapons can kill an entire country -- right?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Right.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                 (the prosecutor makes
                 his point)
             Then don't you realize the Bomb gives us
             Peace not War?  And, if that's the case, I
             ask you again: Why do they want disarmament?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (despairing)
             Well, sir, like I said, for the same reasons
             we do.  I mean, all the experts say the most
             likely way for War to start nowadays is by
             an accident, or a mistake, or by some mentally
             unbalanced person --
                 (lets his voice trail off)
   
     MANDRAKE's discretion was unnecessary for it would never occur
     to GENERAL RIPPER that anyone would think him mentally unbalanced.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Go on, Major.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (gaining confidence)
             I was just going to say, as long as the
             weapons exist, sooner or later something's
             going to happen -- and that'll be it for
             both countries.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             I've heard the arguments.  Like Napoleon's
             quote, "There's one thing you can't do with
             a bayonet, and that's - sit on it."
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             That's right, sir.  And don't forget in a
             few years a lot of other countries will have
             the bomb.  What if they start something?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Go on, Major.  You fascinate me.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Well, sir, I remember an example that pointed
             out that if a system was safe on 99.99% of the
             days of the year, given average luck it would
             fail in thirty years.
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE pauses to look for daylight.  RIPPER returns his
     gaze, steadily.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             I still ask, why do they want disarmament?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Well, for the same reasons we do, sir.
             Don't you see?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             No, Major, I don't.  They have no regard
             for human life.  They wouldn't care if
             they lost their whole country as long as
             they won.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Gee, sir, that last remark doesn't exactly
             make all the sense in the world.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                 (angrily)
             Major, you're talking like one of them!
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (shook)
             Well, I'm not, sir.  Honestly, sir.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Don't be offended, Major.  Our President
             holds the same views.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Don't you think he knows something about
             this, General Ripper?
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             I'll tell you what I do think.  If they say
             they're for disarmament, I say anyone who
             says they're for disarmament is either a
             traitor or a damned fool.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             But, General, we're on our toes.  We haven't
             agreed to anything for years.  Inffact, a
             a lot of people say we never will.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             But if they suddenly opened up and gave us
             the inspection we want, we'd agree, wouldn't
             we?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             If they gave us what we think we need, yes,
             I guess we would.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             And you'd like to see that?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             General, what's good enough for the
             President and all the experts he's got
             working on the thing, is good enough for
             me.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Do you think we'd cheat?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             No, sir.  I'm sure we wouldn't.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Do you think they would cheat?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Look, sir.  I'm no expert on the subject,
             but I've read some pretty sharp ideas the
             big boys have.  Like, say, both countries
             agreeing to a million dollar reward and
             international protection for anyone who
             gives evidence of cheating to the inspectors.
             You can't hide those things without a lot of
             people knowing about it.  And if I were
             going to try and hide a few, I wouldn't want
             to depend on the fact that some poor slob
             isn't going to run and blab for a million
             bucks.  We're as smart as they are, and if
             they cheat, or even hold back information,
             we'd pull right out.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                 (shaking his head)
             Major, I hate to say this, but I think you've
             been enemy indoctrinated, and you don't even
             know it.
   
35   DAWN - EXT. GOVERNEMT BUILDING
   
36   INT. WAR ROOM - COMMAND BRIDGE
   
     Air Force General "BUCK" SCHMUCK is speaking as the scene opens.
   
     The huge, polished wood table is neatly spread with the remains of
     breakfast.  Eggs and bacon, melon, toast, silver thermos jugs of
     coffee, pastries, and glasses of ice water.
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             In conclusion, I should like to observe that:
             One, our hopes for recalling the 843rd Bomb
             Wing are next to nothing.  Two, in about
             fifteen minutes the enemy will be making radar
             contacts with our planes.  Three, when they
             do, they will go absolutely Ape, and strike
             back with everything they've got.  Four, if
             prior to this we haven't done anything to
             suppress their retaliatory abilities, we will
             suffer virtual annihilation - in round numbers
             a hundred and fifty million killed.  Five, if
             we immediately launch an all-out missile
             attack on their bases, we stand an excellent
             chance of catching them off guard.  In that
             event, we will destroy the bulk of their
             retaliatory strength, prevail in the struggle,
             and suffer relatively modest and acceptable
             civilian casualties.
   
     He pauses and confidently looks around the table.  The PRESIDENT
     stares at him inscrutably.
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             If I may, I'd like to illustrate my conclusion
             with a very brief story.
                 (a squinty-eyed smile)
             I played guard on my high-school football team.
             I wasn't particularly big for the line, and my
             coach once told me something I've never for-
             gotten.  "Schmucko" he said - that was what
             they called me in those days - "Schmucko,
             always remember this.  The harder you hit
             the other fellow, the less you'll get hurt."
                 (confidently checks each game)
             My recommendation is that we follow General
             Ripper's action to its logical end.  In
             other words, to hit the other fellow as hard as
             we can!
   
     No one says anything.
   
                       ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE
             What's your estimate of casualties if we
             strike first?
   
     ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE is a model of the crisp, tough
     Navy man.  His lean, rugged features are lit by an obvious intelligence.
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Under those circumstances, oh, I'd say for us
             twenty to fifty million, depending on the breaks.
             For the enemy, something on the order of fifty
             million, if we stick to military targets.
   
                       ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE
             You are very casual about those figures,
             General Schmuck.
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Not at all, Admiral Buldike.  Naturally, we all
             deeply regret such a sad loss - and let me be
             the first to say, I don't like the idea one bit
             that we'd be clobbering their women and children.
             But quit a few of their bases are very close to
             cities and towns, and to would be unavoidable.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Well, gentlemen, do you concur with General
             Schmuck?
   
     There is a nervous silence.
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Mister President, regretable as such a choice
             is, there is a quantitative difference between
             fifty and a hundred and fifty million of our
             dead.
   
                       PRESIDENT
             Buck. Suppose I said to you I was going to cut
             away one quarter of your body - but not to worry
             because you'd still be three-quarters good,
             even if that three-quarters was rather monstrously
             deformed and helplessly crippled.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             I don't think that's a fair analogy, sir.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Admiral Buldike?
   
     The ADMIRAL squirms.
   
                       ADMIRAL BULDIKE
                 (shaking his head)
             I don't know...I just don't know.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             General Faceman?
   
     He hesitates like a poker player deciding whether to make a call.
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
                 (cooly)
             I'm afraid I have to flatly disagree with General
             Schmuck's proposal. I don't see how we can
             just cold-bloodedly hit them.
   
     Enter TURGIDSON, a senior Presidential aide.  All eyes turn to him.
   
                       TURGIDSON
             Mister President, I've got their Ambassador
             waiting upstairs.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Good!  Any difficulty?
   
                       TURGIDSON
             I'm afraid so, and he's having a fit about
             the squad of M.P.'s.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Can't be helped.  Have him brought down here
             right away.
   
                       TURGIDSON
                 (exits)
             I'd better do it myself.
   
                       PRESIDENT SCHMUCK
             You're not going to let him in here - in the
             War Room?
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             The Ambassador is here on my orders.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             But he'll hear everything we're saying.  And
             if he just looks out of that window, he'll
             see everything we're doing.
                 (SCHMUCK refers to the War Room
                 proper)
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (scowls)
             That's the idea, General Schmuck.
                 (turns to ZLAT, another senior aide)
             Zlat!
   
                       ZLAT
             Sir?
   
     The PRESIDENT looks up at a row of clocks which indicate world
     time zones.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Zlat, it's three-forty-five in the afternoon
             their time.  Put through a blitz priority
             telephone call to Premier Belch.  Try him at
             his office.
   
                       ZLAT
                 (hesitates)
             We've never communicated with him on such an
             informal basis before.  It's possible he won't
             take the call.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             If they won't, Zlat, you'll tell whoever you
             get on the phone, a couple of dozen of their
             cities may be taken out within the next hour
             and a half.  He'll take the call.
   
                       ZLAT
                 (exits)
             Yes, sir.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Frankenstein!
   
     Another senior civilian aide.
   
                       FRANKENSTEIN
             Yes, sir.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Frankenstein, I'll need a complete communications
             system set up between this room and the Premier.
             At least a dozen telephone circuits, radio, tele-
             printers - the works.
   
                       FRANKENSTEIN
             I don't think any of the maintenance or installation
             men are in at this hour of the morning sir.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (sourly)
             Try, Frankenstein!  Try!
   
                       FRANKENSTEIN
                 (exits, unhappily)
             I'll try, sir.  But I don't think it'll do any
             good.
   
     A phone rings.
   
36a  VARIOUS SHOTS - EVERYONE FREEZES
   
     ADMIRAL BULDIKE is closest to the phone.
   
                       ADMIRAL BULDIKE
             Hello?...Yes...Who is this?...I see
             ...Just a moment.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (softly)
             Is it him?
   
                       ADMIRAL BULDIKE
                 (covering phone)
             No, sir.  I believe it's personal for
             General Schmuck.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (puzzled)
             Personal?
   
                       ADMIRAL BULDIKE
             Yes.  A Miss Milky way, I think she said.
   
     GENERAL SCHMUCK closes his eyes slowly, then assumes a very
     businesslike look and takes the phone.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Hello?...Yes, Miss Way...No, that's quite
             all right...Uh-huh...I'm a little tied up
             right now, Miss Way.
   
                                                       CUT TO
   
36b  MISS MILKY WAY - FABULOUSLY SPRAWLED ACROSS HER BED -
     INT. HOTEL ROOM
   
                       MILKY WAY
                 (southern accent)
             Buck, I know you're a General and everything,
             but if you don't learn to behave in a more
             gentlemanly way, I'm going to have to give up
             being a typist and take that movie offer...
             Well, what's so important
                 (imitating him)
             Yes, Miss Way.  Yes, Miss Way.  Well, look
             now.  I'm going to take a bath and have
             breakfast and you come back here soon,
             you hear me, "Buck" Schmuck?
   
37   DAY - AIR SHOT - B-90 "LEPER COLONY"
   
38   INT. B-90
   
                       LT. LOTHAR ZOGG
             Bomb arming circuits are green, Major
             Kong.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Lieutenant Toejam, are you ready for Bim and
             Bam?
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             Ready, Major.
   
38a  VARIOUS CU - INSERT INTERCUTS
   
     The actual arming is depicted as needing initial action by three of the
                      and bombardier, simultaneously.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Primary arming switch.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             Primary arming switch.
   
38b  VARIOUS CU - INTERCUTS
   
     Both pilot and radio depress a switch guarded by a safety trip,
     marked "l".  On the bombardier's control panel two greenlights
     glow.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Primary circuit is live.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Primary trigger switch.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             Primary trigger switch.
   
     Pilot and radio again depress a switch marked TRIGGER.  Again
     two green lights glow on bombardier's control panel.  He
     depresses his own trigger switch.  A third green light appears.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Primary trigger circuit is live.
   
     Radio has now finished his part in the action.  He picks up a
     computer but does not use it, merely holding it as he listens,
     like the rest of the crew, to the remainder of the arming pro-
     cedure.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Release first safety.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             First safety.
   
     The two operate their switches.  Two lights again glow on
     safety bank of panel.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Second safety.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Seond safety.
   
     The second pair of lihts glow on Safety bank.  Only one pair
     now remains unlit.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Fusing for ten thousand air burst.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Check, ten thousand air burst.
   
     We see bombardier turn nob setting.  Needle creeps round dial to
     ten thousand.  Bombardier presses in succession three control
     buttons marked: Electronic, Barometric, and Time.
   
     He waits while the appropriate three lights glow on.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Electronic, barometric, and time fusings all
             set for ten thousand air.
   
     Pauses, pushes back hair.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Master safety.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Master Kong.
   
     Bombardier and pilot now press the last remaining switch, clearly
     marked "MASTER SAFETY".
   
     The two remaining lights on Safety panel glow, and bombardier
     glances quickly at the banked rows of glowing lights.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Primary bomb is live.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             All right, Lothat, that does it.  Master
             safety on now until bomb run.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Master safety on.
   
     They put the master safety switches up, and on the bombardier's
     panel we see the two final lights go off.
   
39   DAWN - BURPELSON AIR FORCE BASE
   
40   VARIOUS CUTS - DEFENSE TEAMS WAITING
   
41   MACHINE GUN POSITION
   
     Fifty yards outside wire perimeter fence, a first-sergeant and
     two privates are hunched over a .30 calibre air-cooled machine
     gun.
   
41a  THEY SEE DOWN ROAD
   
     About three hundred yards away, a jeep and three troop trucks
     cautiously approaching.
   
                       PRIVATE STIFFSOCKS
             How do we know they're saboteurs?
   
                       SERGEANT BLUNT
                 (peering through binoculars)
             How do you know they're not?
   
                       PRIVATE TUNG
             Shut up, Charlie.  You heard what the
             General said - two hundred yards.
   
     The vehicles continue closer.
   
                       SERGEANT BLUNT
                 (swinging binoculars)
             There's eight more trucks on the North
             road!
   
     We see the eight trucks about two miles away.
   
                       PRIVATE STIFFSOCKS
             I suppose they must be subversives or
             saboteurs.  Why else would they suddenly
             be coming at four in the morning?
   
                       PRIVATE TUNG
             Natch.
   
41b  OTHER CUTS AROUND BASE PERIMETER
   
     of base defense teams watching over their weapons.
   
41c  VARIOUS CUTS - ACTION SEQUENCE
   
                       SERGEANT BLUNT
                 (calmly)
             Okay, Stiffsocks, open up.
   
     The machine gun fires three longish blasts which spray across
     the path of the land jeep.  It swerves into a ditch and turns
     over.
   
     The convoy stops and we see troops leap out of the trucks, dis-
     persing into the fields on each side of the road.  Many are only
     partly dressed.
   
     Two men drag the injured from the overturned jeep.
   
41d  VARIOUS CUTS - TROOPS WAITING
   
     The scattered firing gradually stops.  All we hear are insects
     and the distant sound of the second truck convoy.
   
     A loudspeaker suddenly clicks on in the distance.
   
                       COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
                 (loudspeaker)
             This is Colonel "Bat" Guano of the 701st Special
             Service Battalion.  Why are you men firing on us?
   
     Silence.
   
                       PRIVATE STIFFSOCKS
             Should we answer?
   
                       SERGEANT BLUNT
             Keep down, you dope, and open up on the first one
             who shows his head.
   
                       COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
             This is Colonel Guano.  We are on a mission
             from the President.  We want to enter the base
             and speak to General Ripper.
   
     Silence.
   
                       PRIVATE TUNG
             Brother, that's a beauty.  A special mission
             from the President.
   
                       SERGEANT BLUNT
             I'll say one thing.  You've got to give
             the enemy credit for organization and
             planning.
   
41e  VARIOUS CUTS
   
     Two hundred yeards away a skirmishing party of a dozen or so men,
     widely spaced about thirty yeards apart, rises out of the grass
     and begins to work its way forward.
   
                       PRIVATE STIFFSOCKS
                 (under his breath)
             They've got guts too.
   
     The machine gun fires.  Three men are hit immediately, the others
     dive for cover.
   
     The firing stops.  Ten seconds of silence.
   
                       COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
             This is Colonel Guano.  Men, you are firing
             on your own troops.  Unless you surrender within
             sixty seconds, I am under orders to return your
             fire.
   
42   DAY - FLYING SHOT - B-90 "LEPER COLONY"
   
43   INT. B-90 - NAVIGATOR
   
     is hunched over his master search radarscope.  See coastline
     coming at top of tube.
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
             We should be crossing the coast in about six
             minutes.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Thanks, Binky.  Can you see Bromdingna Island
             yet?
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
                 (concentrated on scope)
             I don't think so.
   
     He adjusts the brilliance of the radarscope.
   
43a  RADARSCOPE
   
     We see two flashes of light.
   
43b  VARIOUS CUTS - ACTION SEQUENCE
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
                 (D.S.O.)
             Missiles!  Sixty miles off, heading in
             fast.  Steady track, they look like beam
             riders.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Roger, keep calling them.
                 (to co-pilot)
             Knock off auto-pilot, Ace.
   
     The co-pilot reaches forward and flips two switches.
   
                       CAPTAIN "ACE" ANGST
             Auto-pilot off, King.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Lock ECM onto master search radar.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
                 (flipping switches)
             ECM locked to master search radar.
   
     He looks at the large ECM (Electronic-Counter-Measures) control
     panel.  It is an electronic marvel with all the appropriate blinking
     lights, gauges, and oscillographs.  He speaks to himself.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
                 (to ECM)
             You big, beautiful brain, you better start
             thinking.
   
     He gives the panel a pat.
   
                       CAPTAIN ANGST
             Where do you suppose they were fired from?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Quentin, have you picked up any aircraft?
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Just the missiles.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             They must have been fired from Bromdingna -
             probably one of their new Vampire - 202's.
             They've got a range well over a hundred miles.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Forty-five.  Still coming straight and fast.
             Twelve o' clock.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Speed?
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Between Mach 3 and 4.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Call them every five miles.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Thirty-five, still straight.
   
43c  VARIOUS CUTS TO CREW
   
     during sequence, as they sweat it out.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Twenty!  Twelve o' clock and
             straight.
   
43d  VARIOUS CUTS TO RADARSCOPE
   
     tracking the missiles.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Twenty!  Twelve o' clock.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Maximum ECM!
   
     The bombadier flips six switches.  Various indicators light up.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Maximum ECM.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Fifteen!  Twelve o' clock.
   
     While D.S.O. watches it approach.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, -
   
     Pilot sharply banks the huge jet.
   
44   DAY - AIR SHOT - B-90 IN STEEP DIVING BANK
   
44a  INT. B-90
   
     Plane still in steep, diving bank.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Four miles, three...they're turning in
             on us!  They're coming in!
   
     The pilot throws the plane in a violent S-ing, corkscrewing maneuver.
   
     There is a deafening EXPLOSION in the cabin.
   
45   DAWN - GOVERNMENT BUILDING
   
     Limousine and jeeps are scattered near the entrance which is
     guarded by six M.P.'s.
   
46   INT. WAR ROOM - AMBASADOR DE SADE
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (hysterical)
             Mister President, I demand to be taken back
             to my embassy at once.
   
     The AMBASSADOR is clad in striped pyjamas and black, velvet-
     collared coat.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Please be calm, Ambassador De Sade.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (bitterly)
             You will not get away with this vicious attack
             on our peace-loving people.
   
     The AMBASSADOR yammers away under the PRESIDENT's speech.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Waffel!
   
                       WAFFEL
             Sir!
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Please see how they're getting along on the
             call to Premier Belch.
   
                       WAFFEL
                 (exits)
             Yes, sir.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             Premier Belch will not be fooled by this
             fantastic lie.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (doubling his fists)
             Mister President, are you going to let this
             stooge talk to you like this?
   
     The PRESIDENT steps in front of the AMBASSADOR to protect him.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             General Schmuck! Ambassador De Sade is here
             as my guest.  He is to be treated with the
             proper respect.
   
     GENERAL SCHMUCK skulks off, scowling.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             If you say so, sir.
   
     The AMBASSADOR was obviously afraid SCHMUCK was going to slug him.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (turns after SCHMUCK)
             War-mongering bully!  Don't think you're going
             to intimidate me!
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             All right, Mister Ambassador!  But you must
             treat General "Buck" Schmuck with the respect
             due him.
   
     The AMBASSADOR slumps down in his chair, miserably.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (pathetically)
             Can I have a glass of water?
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Certainly - how about some breakfast?
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (shrugs interestedly)
             Possibly some coffee?
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (gesturing)
             Moffo!
   
     MOFFO, a clean-cut aide.
   
                       MOFFO
                 (steps forward)
             Would you like anything else with it,
             Mister Ambassador?
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (unhappily)
             I reall shouldn't.  I'll ruin my diet.
   
                       MOFFO
             Oh, surely you can break your diet a little
             today, sir.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (shrugs, sourly)
             All right - I'd like orange juice, three
             fried eggs turned over, bacon, toast,
             coffee, and some sweet rolls.
   
     MOFFO and pencil catching up.
   
                       MOFFO
             I'll have it brought right down.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (grudgingly)
             Thank you.  Oh - and can you bring me a pack of
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE (cont)
             cigarettes - any filtered brand?
   
     Exit, MOFFO.
   
                       ADMIRAL BULDIKE
                 (holds out a pack)
             Here, have one of mine.
   
     The AMBASSADOR takes a cigarette.  ADMIRAL BULDIKE lights it
     with his Ronson.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (exhaling)
             Thank you, Admiral.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Now, Mister Ambassador.  In a very few
             moments we should have Premier Belch on
             the phone.  I intend to tell him exactly
             what has happened.  I merely want you to
             authenticate certain facts for him.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (looks up suspiciously)
             The food - you wouldn't put - anything in
             it, would you?
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Don't be ridiculous.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             I have your word, Mister President?
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Yes, of course.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (savagely, from across the room)
             We don't operate like you KGB boys.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Knock it off will you, General?
                 (to CRUDLEY, an aide)
             Crudley, find out what's holding up that
             call!
   
     Exit CRUDLEY.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             Where are you trying to reach him?
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             At his office in the Capitol.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             If he's not there, try...
                 (thinks)
             87 - 43 - 56.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Did you get that, Kulnick?
   
     KULNICK nods and exits.
   
     During the next speech, AMBASSADOR DE SADE sidles up to the huge
     plate-glass window opening out to the War Room.  As he talks, he
     sneaks out a Minox camera, and takes a picture.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             His office won't have that number.  It's a
             very special phone number, and the Premier
             can't trust his secretary not to tell his
             wife.
   
     GENERAL SCHMUCK has see him take the photograph and strikes like
     a cat, grabbing for the camera.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (grappling for camera)
             Okay, pal - I'll take that!
   
     The both fumble for the tiny camera.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             Don't you dare touch me!  What the devil do
             you think you're doing?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             I caught you red-handed, Mister Ambassador.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             Give that back to me.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (flourishing camera)
             What do you think of this, Mister President?
                 (triumphant)
             I told you we shouldn't let him in here.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             What's the meaning of this?
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             I am sorry.  Sub-miniature photography is
             my hobby.  It's amazing what excellent en-
             largements you can make from the negative.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (annoyed)
             I'll hold this, if you don't mind.  You can
             have it back when you leave.
   
47   DAY - AIR SHOT - B-90
   
     A thin wisp of smoke trails from inside port pod.
   
48   INT. B-90
   
     All dialogue comes rapid-fire, amidst coughing, wiping eyes, etc.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (flipping switches)
             Shutting down three and four.
   
                       CAPTAIN ANGST
             Fire systems operating on three and four.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
                 (looking in scope)
             Radar okay.  No more missiles.
   
                       CAPTAIN ANGST
                 (flipping switches)
             Everyone on emergency oxygen.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (flipping switches)
             All right...we're still flying.  I'm
             taking her down to the deck.
   
49   DAY - AIR SHOT - B-90 - STEEP DESCENT
   
50   INT. B-90
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Give me revs for maximum speed at sea
             level.
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
             You know what that'll do to our fuel
             consumption.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Can't help it.  What's the wind like?
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Shouldn't be bad.  Might even help.  But
             my guess is we're going to have to paddle
             our way back.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             We'll worry about that later.  Okay, I'll
             take damage reports.
   
51   INT. GENERAL JACK D. RIPPER'S OFFICE
   
     The popping of small arms fire outside.  RIPPER still has MAJOR
     MANDRAKE at the mercy of his .45.
   
     Stray bursts of small arms fire have smashed the windows, and
     occasionally a few shots tear up the wall.  Both men are on the floor.
   
     GENERAL RIPPER is philosophically drunk and very sentimental.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                 (sitting on the floor)
             You know, when I was a kid, I used to read a
             lot.  I loved to read.  One of my favorites
             was the "Jungle Book" by Kipling.  Did you
             ever read it, Major?
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE lies flat on the floor and trembles with fear.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             I don't think so.
   
     A rifle shot splatters the window again.  MANDRAKE flinches.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             You should.  In particular, read the story
             of the little mongoose, called Riki-tiki-tavi,
             because of the noise he made.  He was taken
             in as a house pet.  In the garden of the
             house lived a couple of cobras, and pretty
             soon the mongoose kills the male cobra because
             he's laying for the man of the house.
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE manages a brave but idiotic smile.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             But the female cobra is left, and she's got
             a clutch of eggs which will hatch a dozen
             young cobras.  She decides Riki has to go.
             She says so, and she means it.  The little
             mongoose weighs up the odds.  He can handle
             the cobra if she comes after him.  He just
             has to keep his eyes open and be ready for
             her at any time.  But once the eggs hatch
             and the young cobras become dangerous -
             he's gone.  He can't handle that many at
             once.
   
     A longish burst of automatic fire rakes across the wall, window
     height, dropping three framed 8 x 10 photographs of Air Force
     Generals.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             So he waits his chance, and when the female
             cobra is causing mischief somewhere else, he
             breaks the eggs.  He has to kill the young
             cobras since it's just a matter of time
             before they kill him.  So he acts and he lives.
             He is safe, the people in the house are safe.
             They can live their lives in peace.
   
     GENERAL RIPPER is glassy-eyed with emotion.  MAJOR MANDRAKE nods,
     stupidly.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Major, pour two more drinks, please.
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE creeps to the bar.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                 (as if MANDRAKE were somehow
                 derelict in his duty)
             Major, those are my boys out there dying.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (making drinks)
             Yes, sir.  Why don't you stop the fighting,
             sir?
   
     GENERAL RIPPER looks at his watch and begins to nod.  He keeps
     nodding for about thirty seconds.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             You're a good officer, Major Mandrake.  You
             think of your men first.
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE crawls over with the drinks.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                 (raising glass, moodily)
             To peace on earth, Major.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (mumbles)
             Peace on earth.
   
     They drink.  RIPPER starts nodding again.
   
     RIPPER picks up the p.a. mike and fumbles for the switch.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             This is General Ripper speaking.  There
             has been an unfortunate mistake.  You have
             been fighting our own troops.  They are not
             saboteurs.  You will cease fire immediately.
             I repeat, cease fire imediately.  Good
             work, men.  I'm proud of you.
   
     Shuts off button.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             General, now that you've done that, I beg
             you to recall the Wing.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
             Major, I happen to believe in a life
             after this one, so I believe I will have
             to answer for what I have done.  I think
             I can.
   
     They touch glasses and drink.
   
                       GENERAL RIPPER
                 (choked with pride)
             Major, go out there and stop the fighting.
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE exits, closing the door behind him.
   
51a  CU - GENERAL RIPPER
   
     Tears roll down his gallantly insane face.  He picks up his .45
     automatic.
   
52   INT. WAR ROOM
   
     A telephone is placed on the conference table.
   
                       ZLAT
                 (speaking in a strange foreign language)
   
     He covers the mouthpiece.
   
                       ZLAT
                 (excited)
             They've got Premier Belch on the line.
             He's at that other number.
                 (makes an inappropriately suggestive
                 hint)
             but his interpreter is with him.  You'll
             actually talk to him, and he'll shoot a
             simultaneous translation from you to the
             Premier, and vice vrsa.
   
     The PRESIDENT takes a deep breath, sits down, and takes the phone.
     He thinks for a moment, forces a relaxes look, and speaks.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Hello...Hello...Premier Belch...How are you?
             ...This is Merkin...Yes, Merkin Muffley.
             How are you?...Merkin Muffley...Sure it is
             ...Just a second, will you hold on a second?
   
                                            to AMBASSADOR DE SADE.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             He doesn't believe me.
                 (hands phone)
             Please don't tell him more than that.
   
     DE SADE nods worriedly.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (we hear a strange foreign language
                 understanding the name Merkin Muffley)
             I told him the call was genuine.
   
     DE SADE hands the phone back.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Hello?...Yes...Uh-huh...certainly I understand
             ...Oh someone tried it on you once before...
             Look, Belch, I'll tell you why I called...
             Hello...Hello...Can you hear me?...Say, could
             they turn the music down a little?...Oh, well,
             could they stop playing?...Oh, good, I thought
             we lost the connection there for a minute...
             yes, I hear you very clearly...Well, look...
                 (clears throat)
             You know how we've always talked about the
             possibility of something going wrong?...With
             the H-bomb...uh-huh...that's right...Well, it
             happened...Hello?...Can you still hear me?...
             What?...Not missiles - planes...that's right...
             B-90's...That's right...Thirty-four of them...
             In about an hour and a half...uh-huh...Uh-huh
             ...Uh-huh...Well, how do you think I feel about
             it?...I know that...Uh-huh...Uh-huh...Well, why
             do you think I'm calling you?...to work some-
             thing out on this disarmament thing...Uh-huh...
             Sure, but you haven't been reasonable...Uh-huh...
             Uh-huh...Look Belch...Look, we're wasting time...
             Uh-huh...a base commander...We're not sure...
             Well, we think he's gone psycho...Had a mental
             breakdown...We're trying to do that...We're
             doing that right now...Well, we've got our fingers
             crosses...we're hoping...We're trying that too...
             Uh-huh...Uh-huh...Uh-huh...That's not fair for you
             to say...We're doing everything we possibly can
             ...Certainly...Sure I can imagine...Uh-huh...
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY (cont)
             Uh-huh...Uh-huh...Look, there's something
             else.  We want to give your Air Staff a
             complete rundown on the targets, flight
             plans, and defensive systems of the planes
             ...No, it's on the level...Sure I hate to
             do a thing like that, but at this point it's
             got to be a case of one hand scratches the
             other...co-operate...Right now...Who should
             they call?...The People's Central Air Defense
             Headquarters?...Where?...In Karnak?...Right...
             You'll call them first...Uh-huh...Do you happen
             to have the phone number?...Just ask Karnak
             information?...
                 (he gestures to GENERAL SCHMUCK who exits the
                 room)
             What's that?...Yes, I'm listening...Uh-huh...
             Uh-huh...a hundred thousand megatons...Cobalt-
             Thorium-G casing?...What's that for?...Uh-huh
             ...Uh-huh...Irrevocable and automatic?...Uh-
             huh...Why didn't you let us know?...Sure I know
             the Party Congress is next week...Certainly I
             understand..but what are we supposed to do about
             it now?...Right...Okay, well, how long will it
             take for you to get back to your office?...Right,
             well call me back as soon as you do...BEdlock 3-
             3333, extension, 2497...If you forget, just ask
             for me...Right...Bye-bye.
   
     Hangs up phone.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (to AMBASSADOR DE SADE)
             The Premier says that've got a Doomsday
             Machine that can kill all human life on earth-
             is that true?
   
53   INT. AIR COMMAND COMMUNICATIONS CENTER
   
     About a dozen Air Force language experts are communicating via
     radio, giving the information.
   
54   DAY - B-90 "LEPER COLONY" - FLYING SHOT - SEVERAL CUTS
   
55   INT. WAR ROOM
   
     All eyes are directed to AMBASSADOR DE SADE.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (shaking his head)
             It was to have been announced at the party
             congress next week.  I did not know the
             fools would make it operational until then.
   
     DE SADE is plainly shaken and swallows some iced water.
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
                 (skeptical)
             Well, what the hell is a Doomsday Machine?
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (pale)
             May I have a cigarette?
   
     GENERAL FACEMAN gives him a cigarette and lights it, as he
     continues.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (shaking his head)
             Well, it's ridiculously simple, really.
             As you all know, the intense, lethal radio-
             activity from a so-called normal nuclear
             device dissipates itself at a certain rate.
             Something like __________after the first
             hours, ___________after twenty-four hours,
             until at the end of a week, it's just________
             of its lethal dose.
   
     He takes a deep drag on the cigarette, holds it, and exhales.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             Well, it has been explained to me that,
             if you add a thick Cobalt-Thorium-G
             jacket to a nuclear device, the radio-
             activity resulting from such a nuclear
             explosion will retain its lethal power
             for a hundred years.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (continuing)
             Our scientists calculated that the detonation
             of fifty of our biggest nuclear devices,
             jacketed in Cobalt-Thorium-G would enshroud
             the earth in a hundred years of lethal radio-
             activity from which no human life could escape.
             In ten months the Earth would be as dead as
             the Moon.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Where is this...thing?
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             It is buried somewhere in the Grudd
             Mountains.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (suspiciously)
             Do you mean to say you'd set it off in your
             own country?
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             Naturally.  It would kill us just as surely
             even if we set it off in your country.  But
             this way we know it's safe, and we don't have
             the problem of delivering it.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Mister President, I can't buy this malarkey;
             they wouldn't set the damn thing off.  Why
             should they?
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             You're absolutely right.  We wouldn't.  No
             sane nation ever would.  That's why it was
             designed to trigger itself automatically.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Then all you have to do is untrigger it.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             Ah, but if we were able to untrigger it, that
             would be defeating its purpose.  All our
             enemies would have to do, would be to warn us
             in advance that they were going to violate one
             of our unalterable triggering conditions.
             We would bluff, naturally, but in the end
             we would be insane not to untrigger it.
             Now we can say: There is no point trying
             to intimidate us, we don't control the
             Doomsday Machine.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (scornfully)
             Mister Ambassador, what on earth possessed
             your country to build this weapon?
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             First of all, economic reasons.  It was
             cheap.  The entire project cost just a
             fraction of what we spent in a single year
             on our various space and missile programs.
             It also seemed ideal in most other respects.
             It was terrifying, convincing, automatic,
             and extremely simple to understand.
   
     He puffs the cigarette.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             Still, any of our leaders opposed it on
             the grounds: Yes, all well and good, but
             what happens if it has to be used?
   
     He sighs.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             But, finally, one factor tipped the scales.
             We received information from a very re-
             liable source that your country was going
             to build one.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             That's preposterous!  We have no such
             program!
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             The source was...shall we say, completely
             reliable.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             The report is entirely untrue.  I can assure
             you of that.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Damn it, Mister President.  I've been
             warning for years that we're still riddled
             with traitors.
   
     While the following dialogue continues, MOFFO enters with a
     large tray of food.  As unobtrusively as possible, he places it
     on the conference table, and AMBASSADOR DE SADE pulls up a chair
     with gusto.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Funkel!
   
     A thin-faced, studious man steps forward.
   
                       FUNKEL
             Yes, sir.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Do we have anything like this in the works?
   
                       FUNKEL
             I'd heard some talk, but I wouldn't like
             to say for sure, Mister President.
   
                       PRESIDENT
             What??? Funkel, you're suppose to be my
             scientific advisor!  Don't you know?
   
                       FUNKEL
             Perhaps Didley, in Weapons Evaluation might
             know.
   
     DIDLEY, a short, crew-cut, studious chap in his early forties,
     smoking a pipe.
   
                       DIDLEY
                 (smiling manfully)
             I'm afraid not, sir.  But possibly Von Klutz
             in Research and Development?
   
                       VON KLUTZ
                 (firmly)
             I haven't heard of it, sir!
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             Perhaps you gentlemen would like to check
             with the source?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             You mean you'll tell us his name???
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             It's not a he, General.  It was an article
             in the "Times" about a year and a half ago.
   
                       VARIOUS AD LIBS
             What?
             The "Times"??
             I always knew it had subversive tendencies.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             We get much of our most dependable information
             from the "Times".  As I recall the article
             said a Doctor Otto Strangelove, at the Bland
             Corporation, was working on the idea.  Naturally,
             you could not expect us to believe he would be
             doing such a thing as a hobby!
   
     There is a soft knock, and the door opens without waiting for a
     reply.
   
     MAJOR NONCE, one of GENERAL SCHMUCK's Air Force aides, enters.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Yes, Nonce.  What is it?
   
                       MAJOR NONCE
                 (factually)
             Gentlemen, we have just received word that
             the base at Burpelson has surrendered.
   
56   INT. GENERAL RIPPER'S OFFICE
   
     The scene opens as if on a still photograph.  MAJOR MANDRAKE
     stands motionless and expressionless in the bullet-splattered office.
   
     CAMERA
   
     moves and reveals GENERAL RIPPER grotesquely sprawled, face down,
     on the floor behind his desk, the .45 nearby.
   
     MANDRAKE kneels next to RIPPER and confirms he is dead.
   
     MANDRAKE rises and leans on the desk.
   
     He sees a wallet of photographs neatly laid out, obviously RIPPER's
     mother and father.
   
     Examining the clutter on RIPPER's desk, he notices a ruled yellow
     legal-size tablet.  There are a number of boxes, heavily drawn.
   
     CAMERA
   
     moves in closer to tablet.  We see a repetition of the phrase
     "Peace on Earth."  It is scribbled about eight times.
   
56a  COLONEL "BAT" GUANO - ENTERS - PYJAMA TOP AND BATTLE GEAR
   
     A tough, crew-cut, youngish (35) Battalion commander.  Carbine
     slung over his shoulder, helmet hanging from carbine, he swaggers
     into the office standing for a moment, hands on hips, surveying
     the scene.  MAJOR MANDRAKE is seated at the desk, staring off into
     space and apparently babbling utter nonsense.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (weirdly)
             Peace On Earth...Peace On Earth...
             Peace On Earth...
   
     He doesn't acknowledge COLONEL "BAT" GUANO's presence.  COLONEL GUANO
     stares at him suspiciously.
   
                       COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
                 (softly)
             Major?...Major?  I'm Colonel "Bat"
             Guano, 701 Battalion.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (pinching the bridge of his
                 nose and grimacing)
             Come in...come in... Peace On Earth...
             Peace On Earth...yes...
   
                       COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
             Why are you saying that phrase over and over
             again?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             I think that just might be it!  Although it
             could be Riki-Tiki-Tavi.
   
                       COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
                 (scowls, suspiciously)
             What are you talking about, Major?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (starting to babble)
             The three-letter code group.  Or maybe
             some combination of the three letters.
             P...O...E, or P...E...O, or E...O...P...
             let's see, there would be six possible
             combinations.
   
                       COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
                 (shouting)
             Get a grip on yourself, Major!
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             It might still be worth trying Riki-Tiki-
             Tavi.  R...T...T...There's only three
             combinations of -- T...T...R, or T...R...T...
   
     COLONEL GUANO gives MAJOR MANDRAKE an open-handed whack in the
     face!  MANDRAKE lets out a howl of pain.
   
                       COLONEL "BAT" GUANO
             Now, snap out of it, fella!
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (holding face)
             Who the hell do you think you are, sir???
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
                 (John Wayne)
             I did that for your own good, fella.  Now
             I'm not going to pull rank on you.  When
             this is over, I'll be happy to step outside
             with you and settle this thing.  Right now
             my orders are to locate General Ripper and
             put him on the phone with the President.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Well, you can't do that because he's dead.
   
     He points to the floor behind the desk.  COLONEL GUANO steps
     forward and looks at the body.  He kneels and examines the body,
     suspiciously.
   
     COLONEL GUANO moves carefully to the other side of the desk,
     unslings his carbine, and covers MAJOR MANDRAKE.
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
             Do you have any witnesses, Major?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             What?
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
             What happened, Major?  Some kind of
             private beef between the two of you?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (incredulous)
             Look, I didn't shoot him!
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
             We'll have to leave that up to the C.I.D.
             boys, won't we, Major?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Look, Colonel.  I've got to talk to somebody
             at Air Command.
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
             Don't worry, Major.  Your rights will be
             fully protected.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Colonel, don't you know what's going on?
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
             Sure I do.  There was some kind of mutiny
             on the base, and you killed General Ripper.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Look, General Ripper went off his rocker and
             ordered the 843rd Bomb Wing to attack with
             H-bombs.
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
                 (smiles)
             You must think I'm an awful sap, Major.
                 (MAJOR MANDRAKE starts
                 to move)
             Just sit down, fella, and keep your hands
             on the desk!
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Didn't they tell you?
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
                 (shaking head)
             They told me, Major.  And I didn't hear
             anything about any atomic attack.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (talks slowly and simple)
             Look, Colonel.  You keep me covered, but
             let me just pick up this red telephone
             that connects to Air Command headquarters.
             Okay?...I won't play any tricks on you...
             Okay?
   
     COLONEL GUANO can't think of any good reason not to.
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
             Okay, fella.  But just move slow and don't
             do anything that might surprise me.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Sure...sure, Colonel.  Now look, I'm picking
             up the phone...nice and slow.  Right?...Hello?
             ...Hello?
                 (he clicks the receiver)
             Hello?...Hello?...Gee, it must be edad.
             Probably the lines were hit during the fighting.
   
     COLONEL GUANO watches him like a hawk.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Now look, I'm picking up this ordinary
             telephone.  See?...Hello?...Hello?...
             Nuts, the lines must still be disconnected.
                 (he smiles idiotically)
             The General had us disconnect...
                 (he lets his voice trail off
                 when he sees RUDLEY's weird look
                 of hatred and suspicion)
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (desperately)
             Look, Colonel.  Maybe it's too late.
             Maybe they've sent Air Command in
             already.  But we've got to try to con-
             tact somebody.
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
             On your feet, fella.  I've got to get
             outside and see how my men are.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Okay, Colonel.  But look, there's a pay
             phone just outside in the hall.  Maybe
             that works, huh?  Maybe it'll work?  What
             do you think?
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
             You've wasted enough of my time, fella.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (snaps his fingers)
             Wait a minute.  The President!!  That's it!
             The President!!!
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
                 (suspiciously)
             What about the President?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             He wanted to talk to General Ripper, didn't
             he?
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
                 (the wheel turns slowly)
             So what?
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Well, I'm General Ripper's Executive officer.
             He'll want to talk to me.
   
     COLONEL GUANO's mind is not prepared for this new twist.  He cocks
     his head to one side and studies MANDRAKE.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Don't you see?  He'll want to talk to me!
             And if he finds out that you wouldn't let
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE (Cont)
             him talk to me...Well, I'd say you'd be
             in for a pretty severe reprimand, Colonel.
   
                                                       QUICK DISSOLVE
   
56b  PHONE BOOTH IN HALL - MANDRAKE AND GUANO
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE is seated in the booth, illuminated by a bright
     flourescent overhead, his hand on the half-closed door.  COLONEL
     GUANO leans against the door jamb, listening.  His carbine points
     down, but his grip indicates he isn't taking any chances.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
                 (a lot of change spread out
                 in front of him)
             Operator, this is Major Mandrake at
             Burpelson Air Force Base.  I would like
             to place an emergency call to Merkin Muffley
             at the Capitol.  That's right, the President
             ...Try the War Room.
   
     He smiles, hopefully, at COLONEL GUANO's sinister face.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             That's right, operator, the President...
             Operator, how much will that be for the
             first three minutes?...Two dollars and
             twenty-five cents?
   
     He quickly counts his change and sees it's not enough.  He starts
     fumbling through his pockets.  No more change.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Look, operator, can you make this a collect
             call?  That's right, Major Mandrake from
             Burpelson...They aren't allowed to?...Tell
             them it's terrifically important...Just a
             second...
   
     He opens the door and addresses COLONEL GUANO.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Colonel, they aren't allowed to accept
             any collect long-distance calls.  The operator
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE (Cont)
             says it's policy.  I need fifty-five cents.
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
                 (contemptuously)
             I wouldn't carry loose change going into
             combat.
   
     MAJOR MANDRAKE looks around desperately.  A Coke machine
     stands next to the phone booth.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Operator...How much would the call be
             station-to-station?...Thirty-five cents
             cheaper?...I'd still be short twenty cents
             ...Just a second, operator...
                 (covers mouthpiece)
             Colonel, shoot the lock off the Coke machine.
                 (he points)
             There's bound to be enough change in there.
   
                       COLONEL GUANO
                 (weakly)
             That's government property, Major.
   
                       MAJOR MANDRAKE
             Colonel, remember, a reprimand from the
             President can be pretty serious to a career
             officer...Just a second, operator, I know
             I have it somewhere.
   
     COLONEL GUANO apologetically fires a shot into the coin box.
     Coins spill on the floor in profusion, as well as a stream of Coke
     in the COLONEL's sputtering face.
   
57   DAY - B-90 - FLYING SHOT - SEVERAL CUTS
   
     As the "Leper Colony" presses on.
   
58   INT. WAR ROOM
   
     Enter, GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (with quiet majesty)
             Mister President, Gentlemen, we are
             saved.
   
                       AD LIBS
                 (overlapping)
             What?
             Wow!
             You mean that was it?
             The old know-how.
   
     GENERAL SCHMUCK basks in the grandeur of the moment.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             It was a variation of "Peace on Earth" -
             OPE to be exact.
   
                       AD LIBS
                 (overlapping)
             Can you beat that?
             Peace on Earth.
             Brother!
             The human mind sure is amazing.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Have you received acknowledgements from
             every plane?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             They're coming in now.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             How long will it take to receive them all?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             I'm not certain, Mister President.  The boys
             in CONCOM do the pencil work.
   
     The tone of GENERAL SCHMUCK's remark is as if to say: I am not
     your errand boy.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             General Schmuck, if you don't know the
             answer, please find out!
   
     GENERAL SCHMUCK decides against a head-on collision.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             I believe it will be just a few minutes, at the
             most.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             How many planes did we lose?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             I'm not certain, Mister President.  But I believe
             it was four.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             General Faceman, what was the name of the
             officer who called me from Burpelson?
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
             I didn't speak to him, sir.  But Colonel "Bat"
             Guano was in command of the Special Service
             battalion, so I would imagine he did.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             I want him upped to Brigadier General, and
             recomended for the D.S.C.
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
                 (beaming)
             Yes, sir.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             I don't know about the rest of you, Gentlemen,
             but I'm going to get down on my knees and
             say a short prayer of thanks.
   
     AMBASSADOR DE SADE stands with a flourish of contempt, pushing
     away his breakfast tray.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             Excuse me, but I'm afraid I have many more
             urgent things to attend to.  I should appreciate
             it if you would delay your pious moment long
             enough for me to say something.
   
     His tone of voice is loaded with contempt, challenge, and atheism.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (darkly)
             Yes?
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             Allow me to assure you that my government
             will not be satisfied with a polite note of
             regret for this shocking example of aggression
             against our peace-loving people.
   
     THE PRESIDENT has just about had it with De Sade and is stung
     by the rudeness of his tone.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Damn you, de Sade!  You know as well as I do
             that this was the act of a mentally sick man -
             a single individual, whose crack-up can probably
             be traced to the strains and tensions caused by
             your country.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (haughtily)
             It is very convenient to place all the blame on
             a dead man.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (fiercely)
             How dare you talk to me in this manner?
   
     AMBASSADOR DE SADE scornfully replies with silence.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (boiling with indignation)
             This dreadful accident could never have happened
             if your government hadn't cynically and hypocritic-
             ally blocked every proposal we made for disarmament
             or arms control!!
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (waspishly)
             Bah!  All you wanted to do was spy in our
             country!
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (wrathfully)
             That's nonsense, and you know it!
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (acrimoniously)
             I know nothing of the sort!
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (exasperated)
             Surely, you don't expect us to destroy our
             weapons without being able to verify that
             you are doing the same?
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             And surely you don't expect us to let you spy
             in our country before you destroy your weapons.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (savagely)
             Don't you realize that despite your incredible
             distrust and suspicion, that in fact, you place a
             far greater trust in us than inspection would
             require?  You trust us not to cause a war accidentally
             - and, of course, we are obliged to place the same
             trust in you.
   
     The PRESIDENT walks close to DE SADE, eyes flashing.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (raging)
             Is there a single phase of human activity that is
             free from the idiotic mischance?  How often do we
             read of banks adding three zeros to a hundred
             dollar deposit?  Or the Postal Department engraving
             a stamp with the wrong amount?  Or an operation
             performed on the wrong patient?
   
     The PRESIDENT continues with mounting fury.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (shouting rabidly)
             The bomb may deter a rational leader from
             choosing deliberate war, but it cannot deter
             a madman, or a short-circuit, or an error in
             judgment.  And since neither of us can reduce
             the chances for the idiotic mischance to
             zero, it simply becomes a question of when?
   
     ZLAT has been holding the phone.
   
                       ZLAT
             Mister President, I think Premier Belch
             is coming back on the line.  He's back in
             his office.
   
59   DAY - LOW LEVEL - FLYING SHOT - B-90 - OVER ARCTIC TERRAIN
   
60   INT. B-90 - VARIOUS CUTS TO CREW
   
     Low-level terrain features flashing by.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Let's have a rundown on the damage, Lothar?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (bombardier)
             Everything still checks out okay.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Binky?
   
                       LT. BINKY BALLMUFF
                 (navigator)
             Okay, Major.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Check.  Quentin?
   
                       LT. QUENTIN QUIFFER
                 (peevishly)
             Look, I haven't really been able to check -
             I'm shot.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Are you hit bad?
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Yeah, I got it in the thigh.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Lieutenant Toejam, why don't you help him?
   
     The radio man, LIEUTENANT TERRY TOEJAM, is sitting right next to
     the wounded D.S.O.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             I thought I should check out the damage first.
             My gear is busted up pretty bad.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Lieutenant Toejam's going to help you in a
             minute.  Can you check your ECM?
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Why can't he help me now?  He's sitting
             two feet away from me!
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Come on, Quentin, isn't that pretty selfish,
             putting yourself ahead of the mission?
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Look, I'm shot - it hurts.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (firmly)
             Lieutenant Quiffer, we're all sorry you were
             hit, and we'll help you stick it together as
             soon as we get squared away.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Look, can't someone help me?
   
                       CAPTAIN ANGST
                 (unsympathetically)
             King, I'm not busy.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (shrugs)
             Captain Angst is coming back to help you.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             Major Kong, I'm still trying to unravel the
             leads, but it looks hopeless.  All radio gear
             is kaput, including the CRM-114.  I guess
             we're on our own.
   
60a  CU - CRM-114 - IT IS SMASHED AND TWISTED AND CHARRED
   
60b  CU - MAJOR KONG
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             All right, then, here's the situation.
             With our ECM and staying on the deck, they
             shouldn't be able to track us on radar.
             We should make it to the primary and take
             out the missile base.  We're burning up alot
             of fuel at this altitude, and we may not make
             it back to a useable base.  But I think there's
             an excellent chance to bail out over neutral
             territory.
   
61   INT. WAR ROOM
   
     The PRESIDENT speaks with the confidence of a salesman after he
     has closed a deal.  The Ambassador is still there.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Hello?...Belch?...I just wanted to let you
             know everything's all right...Uh-huh...
             Certainly...We broke the code...Uh-huh...
             Yes, they've all acknowledged the recall...
             Uh-huh...Thirty...Originally?...there were
             thirty-four...That's right - we figure
             four shot down...Are you sure of that?...
             I see...Will you hold it for a second.
   
     The PRESIDENT covers the phone and fixes a withering look on
     GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             General Schmuck, are you positive of your
             figures?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Naturally I am, sir.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             He says they've only shot down three planes.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Well, if you choose to take his word over
             mine ---
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Look, he's there, and you're here.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (nettled)
             Mister President, there were thirty-four
             aircraft involved.  Thirty acknowledged
             the recall.  That makes four shot down.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (back to phone)
             Hello, are you still there?...Uh-huh...I'll
             be right back.  We're still working this thing out.
   
     Covering the phone, the PRESIDENT directs himself again to
     SCHMUCK.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             How do you know they were shot down, Buck?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Well, just common sense, sir.  Thirty from
             thirty-four equals four, or my name's not
             "Buck" Schmuck!
   
     The PRESIDENT dolefully digests GENERAL SCHMUCK's logic.
   
     There is a low, squawking sound from the telephone.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Hello?...Yes...What?...Uh-huh...You're
             absolutely certain?
                 (sighs)
             Hold it a second, will you?
                 (covers phone)
             He says they've just received a report of a
             single, low-flying B-90 apparently still
             continuing on an attack mission, to what they
             assume would be a missile complex at a place
             called Laputa.
   
                       AD LIBS
             What?
             Impossible!
             Ridiculous!
   
     During the last part of the PRESIDENT's speech, another phone rang
     several times.  TURGIDSON picked it up and talked in hushed tones.
   
                       TURGIDSON
                 (softly)
             General Schmuck, it's Miss Milky Way again.
             She insists on speaking to you.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Good Lord, Turgidson!  I can't talk to her now.
   
                       TURGIDSON
             I told her you were busy, General Schmuck, but
             she got rather huffy.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (wearily)
             Turgidson, tell her I'll call her back in a few
             minutes.
   
                       ADMIRAL BULDIKE
                 (replaces phone)
             Mister President, the latest radar contacts
             indicate the enemy are still building up
             over the Arctic pack.  We estimate five-hundred-
             plus aircraft.
   
62   DAY - LOW LEVEL - B-90 FLYING SHOT
   
63   INT. B-90 - OVER PILOT'S SHOULDER
   
     Looking out over nose of the plane.  Trees, a road, a cluster of
     houses, a small town, all flash by.
   
63a  VARIOUS CUTS AND INSERTS
   
     The D.S.O. is bandaged up and apparently functioning again.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Major Kong, I have two blips - must be
             fighters.
   
     See insert of radarscope.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Roger.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
                 (looks at radarscope again)
             Fighters closing fast - range fifty miles.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             They must have made a visual contact.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Must be Mach two-five stuff.  Altitude
             fifteen thousand.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             They can't touch us at this height.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             They're moving apart.
   
                                                       DISSOLVE
   
64   INT. WAR ROOM
   
     Enter GENERAL SCHMUCK, shaking his head morosely.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             It's beginning to look like someone's made
             somewhat of an error, sir.
   
     The PRESIDENT closes his eyes and breathes heavily.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (softly)
             Yes?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Well, sir, it looks like one aircraft, the
             "Leper Colony", failed to receive the recall.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             Have you tried the recall again?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Yes, sir.  We're still sending it.  But it's
             a funny thing we don't seem to be able to make
             any contact with the aircraft at all.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             What's the target.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Well, the Premier doped it out pretty well.
             Its primary is their missile base at Laputa.
   
     The PRESIDENT slumps into a chair.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (mournfully)
             Is there any chance a single aircraft can
             penetrate the entire enemy Air Defense, when
             its course and target are known?
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (glancing at the AMBASSADOR)
             If I can speak freely, sir -- look, these guys
             talk big, but frankly, we think they're short of
             know-how.  You can't just take a bunch of ignorant
             peasants and expect them to understand a machine
             like one of our boys, and I don't mean that as an
             insult, Mister Ambassador.  Hell, we all know what
             kind of guts your people have.  Why just look how
             many millions of 'em those Nazis
                 (pronounced NAZZEES)
             killed and, hell, they still wouldn't quit.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             General, stick to the point, please.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (making diving aircraft hands)
             Well, sir, if the A/C's a really good man, I
             mean really sharp, why he can barrel that
             plane along so low - well you just have to
             see it some time.  A real big plane, like a
             Sting Ray, zig-zagging in, its jet exhaust
             frying chickens in the barnyard ---
                 (almost feverish with
                 excitement)
             Has he a chance?.....Hell, yes!  He has one
             hell of a chance.
   
65   DUSK - LOW LEVEL - B-90
   
66   INT. B-90 VARIOUS CUTS
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             They're starting down, King.  Looks like
   
                       LT. QUIFFER (Cont)
             they're going to cross in port and starboard.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             If they come down low enough to make a firing
             pass, they'll never be able to pull up in time.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             I think they mean business.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Hang on, boys.
   
     He starts a violent series of S-ing and zig-zagging.
   
67   TWO ENEMY "KILLERSHARK" ALL-WEATHER FIGHTERS
   
     maneuver in a steep dive, trying to hang on to their slower and
     more maneuverable quarry.
   
67a  REAR SHOT - LOW LEVEL - B-90 - S-ING AND ZIG-ZAGGING
   
     at tree-top height, over the moonlit countryside.
   
67b  VARIOUS INTERCUTS - AIRCRAFT MANEUVERING
   
67c  ENEMY FIGHTERS
   
     Each fires a salvo of rockets from above, a bad angle for heat-
     seeking missiles.
   
67d  B-90 TAKING EVASIVE ACTION
   
     The rockets pass over and under, exploding with bright flashes as
     they hit the ground.
   
67e  ONE ROCKET
   
     is exploded by its proximity fuse about nine feet from the fuselage,
     just behind the crew section.
   
67f  INT. B-90 - VARIOUS QUICK CUTS
   
     Flash, black smoke, choking coughs.
   
67g  ENEMY FIGHTERS
   
     Make no attempt to pull out of their dives and continue to maneuver
     apparently trying to ram the bomber.  They swoop down and in from
     port and starboard like two hawks.
   
67h  B-90
   
     wildly maneuvers and manages narrowly to evade both fighters who,
     unable to pull up, explode against the ground in bright balls of
     flames.
   
68   INT. B-90 - VARIOUS CUTS
   
     The smoke has cleared to a greyish mist.  A jagged hole about
     four feet at its widest has been blasted out of the rear of the
     crew section.
   
68a  MAJOR KONG
   
     is wounded in the back.  His vision clouds with pain as he fights
     to maintain consciousness.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Ace, you better take it.  All fire switches...
             on.
   
     He turns to the co-pilot.
   
68b  CO-PILOT "ACE" ANGST IS DEAD
   
     though no wound is apparent.
   
68c  MAJOR KONG
   
     spasmodically takes deep breaths.  Summoning up all his nerve and
     concentration, he leans forward and flips the "fire" switches at
     the same time flying the plane and intermittently glancing into the
     moonlit terrain flashing under the nose of the big plane.
   
68d  VARIOUS CUTS
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Somebody come up here quick, I'm hit.
   
     The seating arrangement in the B-90 is such that the upper deck
     places the D.S.O. and the radio man about ten feet behind the pilot
     and co-pilot, facing the tail of the plane.
   
     The bombardier and the navigator sit facing forward on a second
     and lower level.
   
     Naturally, Major Kong expects help from the nearest crew-
     member, the D.S.O. or the radio man.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Come on!  Hurry up.
   
     He twists himself painfully to look over his shoulder.
   
68e  TWO SHOT - LT. QUIFFER AND LT. TOEJAM
   
     The D.S.O. studiously attends to his work.  The radio, Lieutenant
     TERRY TOEJAM, sits cross-legged, examining his ankle.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
                 (without turning around)
             Sorry, King.  My leg's stiff as a board.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (to radio man)
             Hey, Terry, I'm hit.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
                 (minutely studying a slight
                 ankle wound)
             So am I.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Listen, I think I'm hit bad.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
                 (still absorbed in his ankle)
             Where'd they get you?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Damn you, Lieutenant Toejam!  Lothar!
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Yes, Major.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Lothar, get up here fast, and bring your First-
             Aid kit!  I'm hit kinda bad, I think.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Can't "Ace" help you?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             He's dead.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             What happened?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             I bit his jugular vein.  Now will you shut
             up and get up here???
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Sure!  Sure, I'm on my way.
   
     While the colored bombardier works his way up the ladder, MAJOR
     KONG takes a long and uncomprehending look at his dead buddy,
     Captain "ACE" ANGST.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (puffing)
             Where'd they get you?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (grimaces)
             In the back...feels like an arrowhead.
   
     The BOMBARDIER looks at the co-pilot.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             How do you know he's dead?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Hell, he looks dead.
   
     The bombardier raises the co-pilot's eyelid and confirms that he is
     dead.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             He's dead, all right.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Listen, give me a shot quick!
   
     The BOMBARDIER fumbles in the first-aid kit for a morphine Syrette.
   
     While fixing syringe, BOMBARDIER looks down at back of Pilot's seat.
   
68f  CU - SEAT
   
     We see two small jagged holes ripped in the back of the chair.
   
68g  CU - BOMBARDIER - LT. ZOGG
   
     He looks and frowns.
   
68h  MS - NAVIGATOR - LT. "BINKY" BALLMUFF
   
                       LT. BALLMUFF
             Correct course to two-seven-three.  We
             should be about a hundred and forty miles
             away from Laputa.  Be there in about six-
             teen minutes.
   
68i  MASTER SHOT
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Okay, Binky, two-seven-three.
                 (to LT. ZOGG)
             Lothar, any damage down below?
   
     Rolls up his sleeve.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             I don't know what we got left besides Bim
             and Bam.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Quentin, how's your gear?
   
     BOMBARDIER gives him shot.
   
                       LT. QUENTIN QUIFFER
             I don't know.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             What do you mean, you don't know?
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             I haven't checked.  I'm bleeding again.
   
     MAJOR KONG shakes his head in disappointment.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (slowly and very John Wayne)
             The hydraulic systems out, Lothar, and a
             lot of wiring is hanging loose.  The number
   
                       MAJOR KONG (Cont)
             one and three port engines are hit, and the
             fuel's leaking.  But we're still flying.  And
             what's more, we're going to carry out our
             mission.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (looking out over nose of plane)
             Look, Major.  What's that?
   
68j  DISTANT HORIZON - FORWARD
   
     Eight powerful aircraft searchlights cut long narrow streaks into
     the night sky.  But, instead of a steady beam, they are blinking
     on and off in fairly close unison.
   
68k  CU - MAJOR KONG
   
     Bravely trying to comprehend the distant lights.
   
68l  CU - BOMBARDIER - LT. LOTHAR ZOGG
   
     Screwing up his face in bewilderment.
   
68m  DISTANT VIEW - SEARCHLIGHTS BLINKING ON AND OFF
   
68n  CU - MAJOR KONG
   
     Narrows his eyes suspiciously.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (softly)
             I'll be damned.
   
68o  CU - BOMBARDIER - LT. ZOGG
   
     Staring blankly.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (softly)
             Yeah.
   
68p  TWO SHOT - KONG AND ZOGG
   
     Both men numbly stare at the distant searchlights.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (into intercom)
             Binky, Quentin, Terry!  Come forward -
             quick!
   
68q  CUTS OF THE CREW SCRAMBLING TO COCKPIT
   
68r  THE GROUP - FAVORING PILOT
   
     LT. QUIFFER, LT. ZOGG, LT. BALLMUFF, and LT. TOEJAM crowded
     behind him.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Look.
   
68s  DISTANT VIEW OUT OVER INSTRUMENTS
   
     The searchlights continue their signaling.
   
68t  CU - LT. QUIFFER - PUZZLED
   
68u  CU - LT. BALLMUFF - PERPLEXED
   
68v  CU - LT. TOEJAM - CURIOUS
   
68w  MS - THE GROUP
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             What does it look like?
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             Some kind of signaling.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             No kidding.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
                 (uncertainly)
             Let's see...International Morse, I think
             ...K...E...O...P...E...R...E...C...A...L...
             L...M...I...S...T...A...K...E...O...P...E...
             Gee, I don't know, it seems to be some kind
             of code.
   
     The negro bombardier, LT. LOTHAR ZOGG, has been jotting it down.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             No, look!  It's "OPE - Recall Mistake."
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Recall what mistake?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             No, I think it means, "Recall period Mistake,"
             and the OPE is probably the CRM-114 code.
             Terry?
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
                 (shrugs)
             I'll go back and check my code book.
   
     He hops on his bad ankle back to his desk.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (shaking his head)
             You sure have to hand it to those guys.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             What do you mean?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             I mean pulling a stunt like that.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             What are you talking about?
   
     LT. TOEJAM hops forward again.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             Yep, it's the CRM-114 code, all right.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Very interesting.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             What do you mean?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Well, we sure as hell aren't going home just
             because the enemy tells us to.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Wait a minute, Major.  "OPE," that's the
             recall code.  Where would they get that?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             You tell me.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             They must have gotten it from the base.
             No one else would know it.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Why should they call us back?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             How the hell do I know?  Maybe the war's
             over.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
                 (bewildered)
             Could be.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
                 (wistfully)
             I hope we won.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Lieutenant Zogg, what do our orders say
             about the authentication of orders during
             an attack mission?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Look, this is different.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Our orders warn us to expect the enemy to
             use ingenuity in issuing contrary and confusing
             orders.  And therefore, to disregard anything
             that doesn't come on the CRM-114.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             But the CRM-114 has been smashed for almost
             an hour.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Then that settles it, doesn't it?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Like hell it does.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (impatiently)
             The CRM-114 is smashed, right?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Right.  So how could we get any messages?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (ruffled)
             That's the point.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             I don't get you, King.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             I said that's the point!
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Look, King, maybe you've lost too much
             blood, or something.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (explodes)
             Lieutentant Zogg, how would you like your
             black butt slung into a General Court Martial
             when we get back???
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Take it easy, Major Kong.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Then get off my back!
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             I think Major Kong's right, Lothar.  I mean
             we got the attack order from base, and Plan -R
             is an emergency plan for a base commander
             after a lot of other plans have been clobbered.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Okay!  You tell me how the enemy got the code!
             It's put in our sealed plans at the base just
             before we take off.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             There are plenty of traitors and spies running
             around loose.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             But the code is made up by General Ripper, and
             he's the only one left at the base who would know
             the code.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Nobody's loyalty is beyond question.  Besides,
             how do we know one of his staff didn't see it?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Come on, King.  That doesn't make sense.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (triumphantly)
             Okay, how do we know they didn't shoot down
             one of our planes and torture the crew?  How
             do we know that?
   
     LT. ZOGG frowns.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (the clincher)
             We crossed the coast over an hour ago.
             Okay?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (after some thought)
             You're giving them an awful lot of credit
             for being on the ball.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             First lesson in War College:  Never under-
             estimate your enemy.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (shrugs)
             Sorry, King.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Forget it.  Okay, team, let's break it up
             and get ready for the kick-off.
   
     The team scatters back to their stations.
   
                                                       DISSOLVE
   
69   LOW LEVEL - B-90 - FLYING SHOT
   
70   INT. B-90 - LT. ZOGG
   
     He anxiously flips switches, bangs panels with the palm of his
     hand, curses to himself, and flips more switches.  Various insert
     cuts to important-looking switches and warning lights.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             King?
   
70a  MS - PILOT - MAJOR KONG
   
     Rocking in his seat and emitting soft groans.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Who's that?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             It's me - Lothar.  Are you okay?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             I'm okay.  What's up?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Well, I hate to say this, but I think the
             bomb bay doors are stuck.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Are you sure?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Well, I can't get out and look, King.  But
             I don't get a green light.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Maybe the warning system's out.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             But I get a red light.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Have you tried the emergency system?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             I tried everything.  Something must have gotten
             bent or twisted from the pounding we took.
   
70b  CU - PILOT
   
     He stares out over the nose of the plane for several seconds.  A
     portentous look of valour seems to overcome the pain.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Lothar, can you arm the bombs for impact?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             But I TOLD YOU, I don't think we can get the
             bomb bay doors open.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             I asked you a question, Lothar!
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             But how are we going to drop the bombs if
             the doors won't ---
                 (the penny drops)
             Hey, King....you're not thinking of ---
             You don't mean you'd --- ???
   
70c  CUTS TO OTHER CREW MEMBERS AS THEY REALIZE THE PLAN
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (firmly)
             There's no other way, Lothar.  Can you
             re-arm the bombs for impact?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (stunned silence)
             Let me check.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             There's no other way, boys.  I'm going to
             have to take her in...the hard way.
   
70d  CUTS TO CREW - HORRIFIED, SWEATING, TREMBLING
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Say, King.  If there was any way I could
             help, I wouldn't think of asking, but would
             you mind if I bailed out.
   
     MAJOR KONG is clearly hurt by this lack of comradeship.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (shrugs)
             No, I wouldn't mind, Lieutenant Quiffer.
   
70e  CUTS TO FRIGHTENED AND CONFUSED CREW
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (uncertainly)
             I think it's okay, King.  They should go
             off on impact.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (audaciously)
             Would it matter if they hit at a flat angle?
             I mean, do you think the deuterium mass might
             separate from the atomic trigger?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (faintly)
             Well, it would probably help if you took it
             ...sort of...straight down.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Roger.
   
     The other crew members unhappily watch the D.S.O., LT.
     QUIFFER, prepare to bail out.  His leg seems to have unstiffened.
     He pauses long enough to notice his buddies.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Look, King, maybe the other boys don't
             think it right to ask, so I'm asking for
             them.  Can they bail out too?
   
     MAJOR KONG stiffens at this last shattering of camaraderie.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (in an angry sulk)
             Anyone that wants to save his neck certainly
             ought to.
   
     The other crew members hastily get ready to jump.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             Gee, we hate to leave you like this, Major
             Kong.  But there isn't anything we can really
             accomplish by sticking around.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (shrugs)
             Forget it.
   
                         LT. QUIFFER
             Well, listen, King.  Could you take her up
             to about eight hundred?  That'll help you
             come in at a nice down-angle, and it'll give
             us a chance for our chutes to open.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (shrugs)
             Sure, I'll take her up to eight hundred.
   
                       LT. QUIFFER
             Could you take her up right now, King?  Other-
             wise we'll get kind of close to the fireball.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (shrugs)
             Sure, I'll take her up right now.
   
     He pulls up the nose of the plane sharply.  The men get ready.
   
71   FLYING SHOT - B-90 CLIMBING
   
     As it reaches eight hundred feet, enemy radar, hitherto prevented
     from tracking the plane due to its low-level tactics, suddenly
     zeros in, and all kinds of flak and tracer fire open up.
   
                       LT. TOEJAM
             Listen, King, old buddy.  On behalf---
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Skip it and jump, damn you!  This flak's so
             close, I can smell it.
   
     The crew bails out.
   
                       AD LIBS
                 (as they go)
             Good luck, King!
             God bless you, King!
             Geronimo!
   
     MAJOR KONG starts to fly evasive tactics through the flak.
   
72   MS - NEGRO BOMBARDIER LT. ZOGG - FLOPS INTO CO-PILOT'S SEAT
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (softly)
             We're on course, Major.  Just fixed our
             position on that river back there.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             What the hell are you doing here, Lothar?
   
     The two men are deeply touched by this Stanley Kramer-ish
     moment of truth.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
                 (with masculine simplicity)
             I thought I'd go along for the ride.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (John Wayne)
             Now what the hell did you want to go and do
             a thing like that for, Lothar?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             I thought maybe you'd like some company.
   
     MAJOR KONG punches him in the arm.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             That sure was a hell of a stupid thing to do.
   
     The flak rocks the plane, and the lights of the city ahead
     continue to flash.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             King, would you mind if I keep me hands on
             the wheel when you take her in?
   
                       MAJOR KONG
                 (John Wayne - all the way)
             I'd be mighty proud if you did, Lothar.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Thanks, King.  I've always wanted to take
             one of these big babies in.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Listen, Lothar.  You know that crack I
             made about your...butt?
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Forget it.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             I just wanted you to know I didn't mean
             anything by it.
   
                       LT. ZOGG
             Sure, King.
   
                       MAJOR KONG
             Well, I just wanted you to know how I felt.
             Hell, I know Air Command wouldn't have taken
             you if you weren't okay.  And don't think I
             don't know some of our best ball-players and
             entertainers are of Negro descent.
   
73   NIGHT - EXT. - THE B-90 DIVES INTO THE MISSILE COMPLEX
     (TRICK SHOT)
   
     There is a tremendous thermonuclear explosion caused by two 20-
     megaton H-bombs.
   
                                                       CUT TO
   
74   INT. WAR ROOM
   
     Everyone is predictably gloomy and philosophical.  It should be
     apparent they've heard the news.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (shaking his head, miserably)
             It's wrong.
                 (sighs)
             It's dead wrong.
   
                       ADMIRAL BULDIKE
                 (shaking his head, wretchedly)
             It's not right.
   
     No one is really talking to anyone else.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (indignant)
             I don't care what anyone says, it just doesn't
             seem to make sense to end all human life on Earth.
   
                       ADMIRAL BULDIKE
             I suppose the fishes will take over the world.
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
             Ugh-hhhh, that's a horrible thought.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             It's all so pointless.  I mean a man works his
             whole life fighting for something, and this is
             what he gets.
                 (bitterly)
             You know, I can see twenty, forty, a hundred
             million - but everybody?  It's just a damned
             shame, and I don't mind saying so.
   
     The PRESIDENT sits alone in the corner of the room.  He says
     nothing.
   
                       ZLAT
                 (responsibility weighs heavy)
             Mister President, how are we going to break it
             to the people?  I mean it's going to do one hell of
             a thing to your image.
   
     The PRESIDENT shrugs, irritably.
   
                       VON KLUTZ
                 (with Germanic coolness)
             Mister Ambassador, how long will it take?
   
     The AMBASSADOR looks up, wearily.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (gesturing with both hands)
             Four - possibly six months in the Northern
             Hemispheres.  Perhaps a year in the Southern
             latitudes.
   
                       VON KLUTZ
                 (wiping his steel-rimmed
                 glasses)
             Mister President, I wouldnot rule out the
             chance to preserve a nucleus of human
             specimens, at the bottom shafts of some
             of our deepest mines.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (tiredly)
             At the bottom of mines?
   
                       VON KLUTZ
                 (carefully putting on glasses)
             Yes.  The radioactivity could not penetrate
             a mine some thousands of feet deep.
   
     The PRESIDENT looks blankly at VON KLUTZ.
   
                       VON KLUTZ
             In a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements
             for a dwelling space could be provided.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             But they couldn't come out for a hundred
             years!
   
                       VON KLUTZ
                 (smiling wisely)
             Mister President, man is an amazingly adaptable
             creature.  After all, the conditions would be
             far superior to those, say, of the Nazi concentration
             camps, where there is ample evidence most of the
             wretched creatures clung desperately to life.
   
     Although the PRESIDENT seems unconvinced, looking around the
     room, it is apparent VON KLUTZ's proposal has not fallen upon
     deaf ears.
   
                       VON KLUTZ
                 (smiling modestly)
             It would not be difficult.  Nuclear reactors
             could provide power almost indefinitely.
             Greenhouses could maintain plant life.
             Animals could be bred and slaughtered.
             A quick survey would have to be made of all
             the suitable minesites in the country, but
             I shouldn't be surprised if several hundred
             thousand of our people could be accomodatedd.
             Every nation would undoubtedly follow suit.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             But who would be chosen?
   
                       VON KLUTZ
             A special committee would have to be appointed
             to study and recommend the criteria to be
             employed, but off-hand, I should say that in
             addition to the factors of youth, health, sexual
             fertility, intelligence, and a cross-section of
             necessary skills, it would be absolutely vital
             that our top government and military men be
             included, to impart the required principles of
             leadership and tradition.
   
     The arrow has not missed its mark, and there is an outbreak of
     sober, nodding heads.
   
                       VON KLUTZ
                 (laughs, distastefully)
             Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh?
             There would be much time and little to do.
             With the proper breeding techniques, and starting
             with a ratio of, say, ten women to each man,
             I should estimate the progeny of the original
             group of 200,000 would emerge a hundred years
             later as well over a hundred million.  Naturally
             the group would have to continually engage in
             enlarging the original living space.
   
     Much serious judgment is brought to bear around the table.  Pencils
     are brought into action.
   
                       VON KLUTZ
             When they emerge, a good deal of present real
             estate and machine tools will still be recoverable,
             if they are moth-balled in advance.  I would guess
             they could then work their way back to our present
             gross national product within twenty years.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             But, look here, Von Klutz.  Won't this nucleus
             of survivors be so shocked, grief-stricken, and
             anguished that they will envy the dead, and indeed,
             not wish to go on living?
   
                       VON KLUTZ
             Certainly not, sir.  When they go down into the
             mine, everyone else will still be alive.  They will
             have no shocking memories, and the prevailing
             emotion should be one of a nostalgia for those
   
                       VON KLUTZ (Cont)
             left behind, combined with a spirit of bold
             curiousity for the adventure ahead.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (judiciously)
             You mentioned the ratio of ten women to each
             man.  Wouldn't that necessitate abandoning the
             so-called monogamous form of sexual relation-
             ship?
   
                       VON KLUTZ
             Regrettably, yes.  But it is a sacrifice required
             for the future of the human race.  I hasten to
             add that since each man will be required to
             perform prodigious service along these lines,
             the women will have to be selected for their
             sexual characteristics, which will have to be
             of a highly stimulating order.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (enthusiastically)
             Von Klutz, I must confess you have an astonish-
             ingly good idea there.
   
                       VON KLUTZ
                 (correctly)
             Thank you, sir.
   
     AMBASSADOR DE SADE rises.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (briskly)
             And now, Mister President, I must return
             at once to my embassy to communicate this
             reassuring news to the Premier.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (shaking hands)
             Goodbye, Mister Ambassador.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (at the door)
             We have many splendidly deep mines in our
             country.
   
     He exits.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (thoughtfully)
             Mister President, I think we've got to look
             into this thing from the military point of view.
             I mean, if the enemy stashed away some big
             bombs and we didn't, when they come out in
             a hundred years, they could take over.
   
                       GENERAL FACEMAN
             That's right, sir.  In fact, they might even
             try a quick, sneak attack, so they can take
             over our mine-shaft space.
   
                       ADMIRAL BULDIKE
             They might even try to knock over a couple
             of other countries and take their mine-shaft
             space.  If they had more mine-shaft space
             than we did, they could breed more, and possibly
             take over when they come out.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             We must not allow a mine-shaft gap!!
   
     The phone rings.  ADMIRAL BULDIKE picks it up.
   
                       ADMIRAL BULDIKE
             Hello?...Yes, just a minute.
                 (to GENERAL SCHMUCK)
             It's personal.
   
     GENERAL SCHMUCK takes the phone.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
                 (charmingly)
             Yes?...Well, pretty soon, dear. Yes,
             I've finished my business.  Uh-huh...
             Uh-huh...
                 (laughs)
             Yes, dear.  Same here.  Bye-bye.
   
     Hangs up the phone.
   
     There is a knock at the door.  Enter AMBASSADOR DE SADE.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (haughtily)
             Excuse me, Mister President, but you forgot
             to give me my camera back.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (fishes in pocket for Minox)
             Oh, yes, that's right.
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             Just a second, sir.  He's got films of the
             War Room in that thing!
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
             I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to take the
             film out.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (annoyed)
             Very well.
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             You know, sir, that camera might be a dummy
             he wanted us to find.  He's probably got another
             one secreted on his person.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (sputtering)
             That's utterly ridiculous.
   
                       GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK
             He's been here for almost two hours, and Lord
             knows what he's photographed.  I'd have him
             stripped and give a thorough body search.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (appalled)
             That's preposterous!  I object!!
   
     The PRESIDENT thinks for a moment.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (reassuringly)
             I'm afraid we'll have to - purely as a formality,
             Ambassador de Sade.  Zlat, will you call the
             Secret Service and have them prepare a private
             room upstairs for a body search.
   
     The AMBASSADOR is shocked and angry.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
             Please, Mister President, I am extremely shy
             and do not wish to endure this sort of personal
             humiliation.  Here is the only other camera I
             have left.
                 (he produces a second camera)
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             See!  See, I told you.
   
                       PRESIDENT MUFFLEY
                 (shaking his head)
             You've lied to me twice - I'm sorry, but it will
             be strictly routine.  These men are experts.
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             Zlat, make sure the secret service boys care-
             fully search his seven body orifices.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (horrified)
             My seven body orifices????
   
                       GENERAL SCHMUCK
             That's right, fella.
   
                       AMBASSADOR DE SADE
                 (touches ears)
             One, two...
                 (touches each nostril)
             three, four...
                 (touches mouth)
             five...
                 (freezes, turns red and
                 swallows hard)
             Why you, dirty, stinking...
   
     AMBASSADOR DE SADE picks up a thick custard pie from among a
     large selection of pies previously brought into the room with coffee,
     and smashes it into GENERAL SCHMUCK's angry face.
   
     GENERAL SCHMUCK hurls a coconut cream pie at DE SADE, who ducks.
     It splatters into the face of ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE.
   
     Not realizing why he has been hit, ADMIRAL PERCY BULDIKE flings
     a chocolate cream pie at GENERAL "BUCK" SCHMUCK.  It misses and
     plops into PRESIDENT MUFFLEY's face.
   
     And, as is the case with the great-pie throwing scenes, misunderstand-
     ing piles upon misunderstanding, until everyone in the room is hectic-
     ally engaged in splattering pies into each other's face.
   
                                                       CUT TO
   
75   MOVING SHOT - PULL AWAY FROM PLANET EARTH
   
     into outer space.  (A reverse of the opening shot)
   
                       NARRATOR
             Though the little-known, dead planet
             Earth, remotely situated in the Milky
             Way Galaxy, is admittedly of little
             interest to us today, we have presented
             this quaint comedy of Galaxy pre-history,
             when the primitive organization of
             sovereign nation states still flourished,
             and the archaic institution of War had
             not yet been forbidden by Law, as another
             in our series, "The Dead Worlds of Antiquity."
   
                                            Nardac Blefescu
                                      Macro-Galaxy-Meteor Pictures
   
                          T H E  E N D